to find MILs behaviour disrespectful?

[overthetop2]

OK, so I know lots of people hate posts about MILs, but I need some advice in case I'm blowing this out of proportion. MIL comes to stay for weekends sometimes and I feel she treats us like children (we are 39 years old) and undermines me with regards to my home.

She moans that we have power-saving lightbulbs and actually expects us to change them for her (they take too long to light up).

She wants us to fix the bath tap because it's too stiff to turn on and hurts her wrist, even though we are having our bathroom changed in three months, so it would be pointless (and we can turn it on fine).

She insists on having the doors left unlocked when we are in the house (not sure why - maybe phobia about being locked in), which I am totally against with my kids in the house. She repeatedly asks me to 'leave it unlocked'. My DH sometimes agrees and leaves it open, which causes an argument between us because I know he disagrees with this and would NEVER do it if she's not around.

She kept saying my cupboards are messy and I need to organise stuff into sorting boxes. Then she bought sorting boxes and offered to sort my stuff. I said, "No thank you, it may look a mess but I know exactly where everything is".

She called my house 'cluttered'. It so ISN'T cluttered - it's practically minimalistic.

She often buys products that she thinks I should use, instead of my normal products - i.e. laundry washing liquid, instead of washing powder, because it's 'better'.

There is lots of other little stuff. It's also me who ends up having to disagree with her or explain why I want things a certain way, because DH is too frightened to challenger her (but pretends he isn't).

overthetop2

re your comment:-

"Yeah we've had the conversation about him standing up to her loads. I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. I think he is so used to her dictating that it has become the norm for him."

Correct.

It won't happen also because his own inertia when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you. He simply cannot and equally will not deal with his mother because of years of conditioning at her hands; he thinks on some level this is par for the course from her. Someone has to however, stand up for your own selves here as a family unit and it won't be him because he is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother. He is far more afraid of her than he ever is of you.

Where is his dad in all this, I ask only as he is not mentioned at all.

You can help your own self though by raising your own boundaries re her a lot higher than they have been to date. Why do you want someone like this at all around your children?. Start cutting back all the visits she makes to your home.

Dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy people display such behaviours towards other people, this sort of power and control is not just confined to mothers and mothers in law. I would say it is a given as well that she has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. You probably have not come across someone as emotionally dysfunctional as his mother before now either.

I would have it out with her but in a nice way. I'd say you love that she so hands on and the relationship you all have with her but you'd appreciate it if she didn't do, say, xyz as you find it difficult to deal with. You could also ask her what if anything you can do differently when you visit her.

My (now departed) MIL actually had OUR kitchen decorated while we were on our honeymoon. It was meant to be a 'lovely surprise' for us when we got back to our new home. It was hideous, not my taste at all and we had to live with it for years before we dared change it for fear of upsetting her.

I only do it, as I said, when I'm staying there full time and she had asked me.

The clothes usually STINK , after washing, because she puts too much in, they're not clean. What's the use of washing them? Oh and she leaves the clothes damp in the machine . I never say anything I just do the washing properly. I feel very sorry for my GD who has to wear them.

I agree with a PP, your MILs behaviour sadly indicates that her self worth is based in her superior 'housekeeping' skills.

My MIL does this incessantly, and I find cheerfully taking up the offer of help to be the best response in not cases. For example, my MIL would constantly dictate (unecessaruly long winded) recipes which I could cook (for her son). I started buying the ingredients, leaving them in the kitchen for her and then excusing myself. she stopped suggesting new recipes sharpish.

I'd get the tap fixed or buy one of those fitments aimed at older people that helps them turn taps more easily. That's a gesture towards making her stays in your house more comfortable. The rest I would ignore and I'd insist on doors staying locked. Pick your battles as pp have said.

curryforbreakfast
She sounds like your average M/MIL. You need to just chill a bit

My MIL/DM are nothing like this.

When my kids were small they would help chop veg etc, do the dishes, take the kids to the park so I could get some me time. They have never taken it on themselves to go in my cupboards and start re arranging them.

Well if yours is nothing like that it obviously means other peoples aren't!

Or not.

I don't see anything here that is a big deal.

Ask her to do some useful tasks if she offers to tidy the cupboards. Ironing? Explain the dc must be kept safe so the door must be secure( safer word than locked?). If she’s visiting because of the dc maybe look at ways she can be involved more?

I had many years of similar niggles but learned to negotiate gracefully. Over the years we became very close indeed.

MIL died this week and yes, she was very exacting and her way was always best but my god I miss her and loved her so much.

She buys op washing liquid and asks to be able to use the bath taps, she's not fucking toxic. What words do you have left for someone that is actually awful if you bandy around toxic for this shit?

Hear Hear.

Matildathecat- So sorry for your loss x

She sounds like a classic old SAHM - someone who has nothing to show for her life but her housekeeping ability

Aargh no wonder SAHMs get no respect when people keep saying stuff like this! I'm a SAHM, I don't give a toss how other people do their washing and I don't derive my self-worth from being the bloody laundry expert! I just do do the laundry!

Imagine if a person who worked their whole life reacted in the same way. Turned up at their old work, David Brent style, and told everyone how they're doing it wrong. Such a person would rightly be pitied. It's not normal for workers, it's not normal.for SAHs.

I think he is so used to her dictating that it has become the norm for him.
Ooo a man who doesn't mind being dictated to. Get in there!

She does sound a pain, I can sympathise about the taps as I need my taps changing and they are definitely making the arthritis in my hand/wrist worse. Obviously you can't insist other people change their taps, I just mean I feel her pain.

Don't worry about it. She makes the effort to see you and loves her grandchildren. Allow the lady her quirks and just do what you normally do

Is she trying to impose her way on Op, or does she think that she's being helpful?

Does she leave stuff if you ask her to?

If so, that's something.

Has she actually ruined any clothes with the way she does it?

I can't imagine looking for stuff to do around the house when visiting people though.

How would she take it if you gave her things to do of your choosing-if you wanted to?

She sounds like a classic old SAHM - someone who has nothing to show for her life but her housekeeping ability

Aargh no wonder SAHMs get no respect when people keep saying stuff like this!

This in spades, wtaf Kimmy?

could you out a chain on your outer doors, so that they can be left unlocked comparatively safely (does sound as though she can't help this obsession).

Is she on her own? She sounds like she has nothing to do but think of things to "improve' your lives.

I've had almost exactly the same problems with my MIL. Politeness / ignoring / persistence / changing topics - nothing works, in her mind she is always right and will tell me at great length (me and not dh) how we should be organising cupboards, where to keep our keys, when to open and close windows, draw curtains, lock doors, the one and only correct way to recycle, make coffee, peel potatoes, wash dishes, stack your dishwasher, dry yourself when you come other of the shower. I wish I was joking!

My DH doesn't have my back so she is poison for our marriage. Get on top of this OP before it damages your relationship.

I have terrible eyesight and am with your MIL re the light bulbs. Dim lighting depresses me as well.

The rest is bonkers.

If my MIL tried saying anything like that I'd be asking her straight to her face why she bothered visiting if she disliked my home and my habits so much.

Mine rarely interferes, the last attempt was over our cats litter tray-a passive aggressive remark was passed that visitors might not like it. i told her that our pets are part of the family and if visitors didn't like that, they were welcome to walk out the door.

I'm a mother in law and I'd never dream of criticising their home no matter what I thought, I just keep my mouth shut.

It all sounds really irritating. You need to decide where your "red lines" are and just roll your eyes and ignore the other things like the "clutter".

I would hold very firm on the locked door - insist! DD2 (12 at the time) and I (in a wheelchair) had a very scary experience when a very large, very drunk man let himself into our rural and isolated house and we found him in the kitchen. He was so drunk that I think he had no clue where he was - he insisted that it was his friend's house and that the friend had his mobile. But the name was none of the 4 neighbours who live within half a mile. Such a relief when DD and I got him out of the door!

Can you save up some "MIL jobs" that you don't really care about and ask her to do these - keep busy.

Keep a big smile and "yes the bathroom will be great when it's done" - tell her to call DH to do the tap everytime she wants a bath

With things like the washing powder - just thrown it in the back of the cupboard and save it "specially" for her visits . Make sure that either your white or coloured load is in the machine when she arrives.

With the lightbulbs - I am sort of with her on this. I would get some of the more modern energy saving bulbs that don't need to warm up for her room and the hall etc. they make life much easier.

Next time you're at hers moan about everything and make similar demands, see how she likes being undermined in her own home.

Don't actually do that but just imagine if you did!!!

I’d happily ignore everything expect for leaving the door unlocked. I always had my door locked when the children were little, I still have it locked all the time I’m home now. I’d rather someone didn’t have access to just Burt in on me or worse my children be able to wander off unnoticed.