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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For crying out loud, I'm not snobby! Or am I?!

564 replies

NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 10:13

I moved to this area a year or so ago to be closer to work. It's a predominantly a working-class neighbourhood (nothing against the working class, BTW, my parents were ones - it's just a description). Except I tried so many times to be friends with the neighbours and other parents at my child's school. Everything goes perfectly fine and pleasant until they learn about what I did for living.

It usually goes like that: what do you do? Ah, well...I'm an academic researcher/university lecturer. Then, almost every time, a deafening silence follows! Almost always, they try to avoid speaking with me afterwards. Some even stopped saying 'hi' - including the parents of my child's best friends (they came to my house a couple of times before).

For the love of God, I'm not the 'elitist' snob they think I am. Take for example this, the other day the plumber came to fix something in our house. We were chatting and having a laugh for nearly an hour. As soon as he learned what I did, his attitude changed completely and started to stonewall me by being 'too formal'. It's either they don't understand what I do, hence the silence, or think I'm that educated snob similar to those posh snobs who have driven the country's working-class into the gutter. Then again, why the stonewalling and the avoidance? I don't really speak philosophy or political science to them.

I never ever experienced this before - until I moved into this area.

Please tell me what's going on?!

[Message edited by MNHQ]

OP posts:
Humpsfor20yards · 14/12/2017 15:03

Belgium?

PrincessoftheSea · 14/12/2017 15:25

Why would it be boring? OP has not even said what he is lecturing on/ researching. Do you not think anything of interest to you goes on at a university?

DistanceCall · 14/12/2017 15:26

I know someone who was not allowed to adopt because he and his wife are university lecturers. It was argued that any child whom they adopted would be "cut off from their roots".

Yes, that was the sole argument to refuse them adoption.

So yes, uni lecturer can be perceived as posh per se (with the ensuing effects).

Fuckoffee · 14/12/2017 15:29

It might not be what you are saying, but how you are saying it.

My MIL can kill a conversation stone dead when she tells people her son is a doctor. She ups the volume (just so Margaret in the corner definitely hears) and over enunciates “doctor” in a fake posh accent. It’s alienating and a little bit wanky. She doesn’t hear herself doing it either.

Most people tend not to be phased by other people’s career choices. It sounds like you are very proud of what you do and this could be coming across in your delivery.

catiinbo0ts · 14/12/2017 15:38

Just got home op. Having a day off. Having major building work and have 5 men on site today. Kettle's on for a brew. In a min I'll have a laugh with them and they call me "my dahlin" and I've occasionally said "you silly sods". No problem with them at all, they are very helpful, gritted the drive on Friday without being asked. They know I work for a uni and that DH works "up London". They can be in no doubt that we have a few bob but none of us would mention it.
*
They have no idea that I am a member of the SLT as a director of service or that DH is a QC. Why would they? Why would we share the detail?**

Jesus fuck. Patronising much?

Impala1980 · 14/12/2017 15:38

Try telling parents at the school gate that your a child psychotherapist!

Impala1980 · 14/12/2017 15:39

*you’re

PoisonousSmurf · 14/12/2017 15:39

If you earn a wage, then you are 'working class'. Only people who get money for nothing can call themselves otherwise.
Really don't get this class system. My dad is a Professor of Physics and writes journals and books for exclusive Swiss Universities, but he lives in a run down house in a rough part of Cardiff.
He's not bothered what other people think of him. He lives only for his work and is proud to be called 'working class'.

Battleax · 14/12/2017 15:41

If you earn a wage, then you are 'working class'. Only people who get money for nothing can call themselves otherwise.

That's such unmitigated shit. So sorry for saying so but it's repeated so much and so stupidly Grin

NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 15:41

@RaindropsAndSparkles - Yes, it's shit. I know! Next time I'll write you an academically immaculate post - will even proof-read and edit it to your satisfaction. That being said, I'm pleased my 'substandard grammar' made you exhilarated about your own abilities. Glad I helped boost your ego.

OP posts:
Battleax · 14/12/2017 15:42

Impala GrinBrew

mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint · 14/12/2017 15:44

Just popping in to say my ex was a uni lecturer and we certainly ARE working class. Grin His salary was miserable for all the hours he did, so I don't consider it a 'snobby' job.

It must be something else!

Thetreesareallgone · 14/12/2017 15:46

OP I have been playing down what I do and what I have achieved my entire life, in a probably very female way.

At school, when asked what results I got 'oh, I did quite well' to mean yes, I got outstanding results.

Out clubbing, when asked about where you go to college, don't mention you are at Cambridge.

Don't mention your PhD or put your title, that makes you look 'snobby' apparently.

Say things like 'I work at the university' so you could be a cleaner, even though you are not. Do you think my lovely work cleaner says 'I work at the university' in a vague way? Of course not, she says 'I'm a cleaner'!

Pretend to work part-time/in a lesser role/don't say 'academic'/don't say 'lecturer' even though it's your actual bloody job title.

Obviously don't become a Professor, because then you'll be totally embarrassing and have to wear jeans all the time to prove you are an ordinary person (joke: even though of course you are anyway).

It's very tiring and tiresome, one reason I loved going back into academia in my late twenties was I got to hang out with people for whom this was no big deal, and being a clever woman was perfectly normal and not something to be remarked on or hidden.

Weirdly, even the lovely female Professors I know still try to make out it was all luck/they aren't that clever. I have never ever met a male Professor who does this. All except one who totally owns it, I aspire to be like that now.

It's actually very destructive for females within the academic system, as they continually downplay their results, suffer from imposter syndrome, don't get promoted quite as quickly (as less likely to put themselves forward/less identified as candidates), have to do better than many males who, despite, 50/50% at PhD gender levels, by Professor level, there's about 20% women.

mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint · 14/12/2017 15:50

Also I've found the opposite. I work with a lot of foreign people who have very recently moved here and are still finding their feet. I'm doing a 'traditonal' degree at a very prestigious university for a job people think of as snobby and work part time... everyone is lovely, tells me they hope it goes well and some people have even said they admire me for sticking at it when I'm struggling. I've never experienced any animosity!

The only animosity I've ever experienced was a colleague who was upset as they could not get a student loan and couldn't go to uni Sad

Honeybooboo123 · 14/12/2017 15:53

Hmm, I'm probably on the other side of the spectrum if you told me what you did.

I'd ask which institution and then judge if it wasn't Russell Group.

I work somewhere considered internationally well-regarded and am MC, seem to get on fine with people from all backgrounds, although to be honest majority of friends and family are MC too.

bbcessex · 14/12/2017 15:55

Definitely just youSmile

mostlikelyanunpopularviewpoint · 14/12/2017 15:55

thetrees

I think I'm the exception to that. I've always been very academic and intelligent in this respect and I've never hidden it. I'm hopefully going to complete a doctorate soon and I shan't downplay it.

I have had people make comments sometimes. But my defence is that everyone has their talents. I for one may have some academic intelligence but I have no common sense, am far too blunt, clumsy and not at all creative. I believe the reason this happens is because people do not appreciate other intelligence such as creative intelligence as much as they should

My ex wasn't 'intelligent' traditionally but he could build anything, work things out insanely quickly and had miles more common sense

Honeybooboo123 · 14/12/2017 15:59

Thetreesareallgone

brilliant post, agree wholeheartedly.

bbcessex · 14/12/2017 16:01

OP .. I think you are having some fun with us 👏👏👏👏

Good work ..

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/12/2017 16:09

Just try telling them you write books.

They will, quite literally, never shut up. They will have a billion 'here's a great idea for you to write about...'

You may have to lock yourself in the toilet to escape.

Teensandfuture · 14/12/2017 16:14

I’m an accountant and I also get the deafening silence when I say what I am
So do I . Nowadays I say I work in accounts ,that's all

carefreeeee · 14/12/2017 16:24

It can be tricky. There are all different kinds of people and some have a chip on their shoulder whilst others are genuinely put off or don't know how to talk to people from other backgrounds.

The number of people who, upon being told what I do, immediately started criticising the profession in a most unpleasant way! It is really rude. I now say I work in admin, this just makes people go oh and move on.

People judge you on age, sex, looks, clothes and accent before they know your job, so if they are really inversely snobby, they will probably already have made up their mind before they find out what you do.

NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 16:31

@Thetreesareallgone Absolutely!

OP posts:
NoBreakNoProblem · 14/12/2017 16:36

@bbcessex

No harm in observing social interaction. I, however, didn't expect all these responses. I might as well learn a thing or two while at it Wink

OP posts:
iveburntthetoast · 14/12/2017 16:37

I’m also an academic and have had this problem. I’ve felt that it’s more to do with the fact that people don’t particularly like university lecturers—in that we are overpaid, sit around doing nothing and have very long summer holidays. None of which is true, of course! It’s better if I tell people what I research as that tends to draw some interest.

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