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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my Christmas present from DH

353 replies

lilypoppet · 14/12/2017 00:54

I've realized DH has bought me a gift set of chutneys this year and I hate it. Especially as I helped him choose a lovely gift for his mother which cost three times as much and which I would have loved. I can't even take it back because it's gift food. Is that all I'm worth to him a tenners worth of chutneys? AIBU?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2017 11:11

Bloody he'll I wouldn't be happy with that. Tell him thanks for the house present, but you wod like something more special. Mabey e mail him an Amazon gift list, or give him a gift list of reasonable things you wod like.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2017 11:13

I don't know many people who would be pleased with getting chutney from their loved one, unless they have a chutney addiction.

EDSFI · 14/12/2017 11:17

A couple of years ago I got a charger cable, yes it was useful but it’s not a gift from husband to wife! I said something and, then last night I asked him if he needed some ideas of presents because even through he made a trip to homebargins with the kids and spent £12 I would like a proper present of him. He looked a bit shocked and in my defence I will 39 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day but I think he was pleased I said something and didn’t just ‘brew’ about it. Am also of the thought Christmas is for everyone, not just for kids and our kids will get lots of other people so why can’t we spend a little less on them and spoil ourselves a bit. Sorry if that comes across as selfish x

ravenmum · 14/12/2017 11:24

I think one probem is that you agreed to the tenner rule even though you didn't want to. You can't agree to spend a tenner on each other, then complain that he's only spent a tenner on you and more on his mum.

The other problem is debatable. Either he's just grabbed the nearest thing for a tenner or he genuinely thinks you might like chutney, based on your comment about liking pickles. Sounds like you don't think he'll have put any actual thought into it? All too common after a few years together. Then again, it really is hard to get anything nice for a tenner. Will he really be thrilled with his hat?

My ex gave me a thermometer for measuring the temperature of wine. I'm not a big wine drinker.

Jakeyboy1 · 14/12/2017 11:26

Chutney 😂 wow that's truly special!

I have had to lay the law down in my house that I no longer wish for gifts off Amazon. My husband is addicted to Amazon Prime and buys stuff of it for the sake of it, he has forgotten there are normal shops. I do not want weird fleece pyjamas or branded dust caps for my tyres (yes really - had those one birthday) please just go to M&S it's not that hard!

bluesu · 14/12/2017 11:36

This would be me

"Omg DH this is shaped exactly like the chutney gift set hahahahaha thank goodness you know me better than that! Imagine - chutneys for me and MB for MiL hahahaha"

Then watch him squirm.

I avoid this by constantly taking photos of things I'd like and texting them to DH all through November and December. Yes I'm annoying, ok maybe I'm slightly materialistic BUT I get good gifts year after year. Sometimes you really have to be OBVIOUS with what you want, spell it out! Xmas Wink

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 12:01

OP - is he working? If you don't have shared finances and he doesn't contribute towards the DC's gifts, what presents has he actually had to buy? Did he buy the gift for his mother, or you?
If he is working and only has to buy for his mother (not even his own DC)!! then £10 on you is very mean indeed.
You don't need to "build up" to anything. Just tell him straight.

tiptopteepe · 14/12/2017 12:04

It doesnt sound like hes tried at all so I would be pissed off too. Did you give him any clues as to what you would like? I mean clear clues like 'I would like something like this for christmas!' If so then theres really no excuse for this lack of effort on his part. Its not the monetary value so much as the lack of consideration of what you might actually like.

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 14/12/2017 12:23

  1. Tell him it's shit
  2. Tell him spending a tenner on each other is also shit
  3. Tell him it makes you feel like he doesn't value you

I understand the frustration, it is proper crap to get chutney. I tell my dh what to get me, but it would be lovely to get a surprise sometime! There's always that hope Grin maybe jewellery

Justmuddlingalong · 14/12/2017 12:36

Don't be a martyr. Something along the lines of "That better not be what I fuckin think it is," should suffice.

Lynnm63 · 14/12/2017 13:23

I don’t normally AS but I’d say from your previous threads the chutney is the least of your problems. £10 isn’t an issue it’s the fact he’s put zero thought into it. My dh’s Favourite present last year cost £1, this year I found a gift he’ll love and needs for less than a fiver. Good gifts need, time, money and thought and you need a minimum of two out of three. Your dh couldn’t even manage one of those, Sorry.

Wineandrosesagain · 14/12/2017 13:42

For God's sake Op - speak to him about it. Why can't you just say "I don't agree with max £10, and I want something thoughtful from you - if you think that jar of chutney you've wrapped up is thoughtful then you're an idiot". Also why are you paying for all of the children's presents?

Sorry but I think you have to take some blame for this. Silently seething each year is not working for you. Speak up.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2017 13:52

My gift was clearly an afterthought after the Moulton Browne gift which was quite expensive.

Your gift was at least a thought. He didn't do any thinking about his mother's gift - you did.

If you are unhappy, say something. About the £10 budget, about the gifts you don't want, about the gifts you would like, about the finances and present-buying for the kids.

Perhaps he's a thoughtless arse, I don't know. But based on just this thread he's not really done anything wrong per se, apart from not read your mind.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 14/12/2017 13:57

You have two children - if you don't tackle this soon then they're going to end up intervening which isn't fair on them. Having had to have the same talk with my father it was a very awkward and would have been easily avoided if my mother hadn't been such a damn martyr.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 14/12/2017 13:59

He's only working part-time so money is tight for him. I work full-time so pay for a lot more. But he managed to spend three times more on his mum than he did on me.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 14/12/2017 14:01

The thing is, you said "little luxuries". The chutneys are all packaged up as a luxury Christmas gift. They were retailing at £16 but he got them for less so he's already thinking that the value of the gift is high and he's done well for the budget. He knows you like chutney.
He thinks he's bought you a good gift that you'll like. I do feel a little bit sorry for him, giving the pasting he's getting.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 14/12/2017 14:05

The thing is, I work in one of the most desirable department stores in the country and I gave him a discount card for.there; how hard can it be?

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 14/12/2017 14:06

That's because you choose MILs present and hadn't set a £10 budget.
Talk to him! There's no point simmering about it. I think he genuinely may not know there's a problem.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2017 14:06

he managed to spend three times more on his mum than he did on me

Because you agreed to a £10 budget, and you helped him to spend that money on his mum.

You had an almost identical thread last year about your DH's Christmas present (forgive me searching, I was curious). If you haven't managed to sort it out in a year, you never will.

YANBU to think Branston Pickle is a shit gift. YABU if you just fret about what it means and never act to fix it.

If the case is really that this gift is symptomatic of wider issues in your marriage, then stop pinning your emotions on his gift-giving to show that he cares for you. Decide what to do next.

BaronessBomburst · 14/12/2017 14:08

Quite hard if shopping and beauty products don't interest him. I'd struggle to buy DH an electronic gadget as the finer points of each would bore me senseless. I'd most likely get it wrong too.

BaronessBomburst · 14/12/2017 14:14

My DH is shit at gift buying. Not just for me, but for anyone. I don't let it bother me. I tell him exactly what I want, and where to get it. He occasionally goes off piste with interesting results, but it has nothing to do with how much he loves me.
He just hates shopping with a passion; he won't even buy things for himself and just grabs the nearest thing because "that'll do".

Original poster
lilypoppet · 14/12/2017 14:15

Last year I got a £10 book token from h which was great because I got to choose the book. But I think this was what set the £10 gift theme.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 14/12/2017 14:47

I quite like chutney (and I assume they will be something slightly more interesting than Branston picle even if they do come in a cardboard house)
But I agree with others - buy yourself somethingyou want. I'm single and frankly I find Christmas so much less stressful now than when I was married and wondering what 'must have' gadget XH had bought himself and wrapped up in present labelled to me.

Now I buy myself something I want and am never disappointed. This year I am getting a book on wonders of the world and some alcoholic chocolates. I'm really looking forward to them.

RoseWhiteTips · 14/12/2017 14:56

Chutney. Good god.

Porpoises · 14/12/2017 15:00

Thats is funny because another thread has been started by a poster who is very upset about £100 of book vouchers. Which just goes to show that there are no great or shit gifts, everyone has a different opinion. Communication of each others expectations is vital!