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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my Christmas present from DH

353 replies

lilypoppet · 14/12/2017 00:54

I've realized DH has bought me a gift set of chutneys this year and I hate it. Especially as I helped him choose a lovely gift for his mother which cost three times as much and which I would have loved. I can't even take it back because it's gift food. Is that all I'm worth to him a tenners worth of chutneys? AIBU?

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 14/12/2017 09:52

He is utterly thoughtless and you need to tell him. Actually spell it out as he's so clueless he can't see he needs to make an effort for you.

whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 09:54

I'm sorry, but florentines >>>>>>> chutney x 10000000.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2017 09:54

You need to tell him, don’t you? I would. Otherwise it’s going to eat you up. He’s just incredibly shit at buying the gifts. You mentioned benefit make up for your dd so he can get help from her. Dh takes my 9yo dd with him. Branston pickles are unacceptable. Have the conversation.

Hulder · 14/12/2017 09:57

I wish he'd asked me

Well, lesson learned. Your DH is a shit gift buyer. The only reason your MIL gets good gifts is you buy them. Ditto the children. You know your department store inside out. You need to be a lot less passive in this.

Next year, in mid November:

You: What are you getting me for Xmas?
Him: Dunno, thought a budget of about £10
You: Hmm, we spend more than that on MIL. Plus I felt quite hurt by the jar of Branston pickle, I'd like something that suggests we really value each other. What about a budget of £x? I'll email you a list of stuff you can pick from. What do you want?
Him: Socks.
You: Well, given the effort I make for the family, I do want more than socks or pickle as a gift. I'll send you the list.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2017 09:58

More fool you for doing all this. Why are you the one buying his and your kids presents

That’s unfair without further info. He could easily be paying all the living expenses inc birthday presents.

whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 10:03

My DH paid for everything for about 3 years while I was very physically unwell. He still bought me great presents. I don't think buying presents for one another as a couple is a job that gets put into the divvying-up of chores, because it shouldn't be a chore - it's a gesture of love. Just as you don't say "Well, I had sex with you this morning, so you should take the trash out". It's just not part of the exchange.

CRZ1988 · 14/12/2017 10:05

Is anyone thinking about OPs partner? If he genuinely thinks that's what she wants, he's going to be so upset on Christmas day when she opens it and hates it. Its difficult to fake liking something when you've been thinking about how much you're going to hate it for a while.

I think maybe you need to bite the bullet and speak to your partner OP. Tell him that you know about the chutneys and give him the opportunity to fix it.

As you've said previously you spend £10 on each other, you may have to explain that you've gone over budget by x amount and that means he has extra funds to spend. Use the chutney on Christmas day instead.

One point though, you think he has wrapped the chutneys up. Can you be 100% certain that that is definitely what your gift is?
Maybe its something else in a similiar shaped box?

Willow2017 · 14/12/2017 10:13

I think some people just seem determined to be disappointed no matter what their DH buys them for Christmas

I think anyone would be disappointed with a bloody jar of Branson chutney for xmas. If you are not it says a lot about how low the bar is set on what your oh is capable of.

There is a huge difference between someone trying to get a nice pressies and getting it a bit wrong and someone picking up the first thing that costs £10 and thinking that will do.

QueenUnicorn · 14/12/2017 10:13

I'd rather the Chutneys over the Mouton brown set.
I'd be quite pleased with chutneys.

RafikiIsTheBest · 14/12/2017 10:16

Just as you don't say "Well, I had sex with you this morning, so you should take the trash out". It's just not part of the exchange.

You mean I'm not supposed to do that?

Grin

I couldn't get too worked up about it, tbh. If there was a larger budget or no budget set and he'd decided to be a tight arse then I can understand it, but at £10 without specific instructions, I'm not sure how he would know what is reasonable.
I also don't get all the 'no food gifts'. I often buy DP a little something and love when he gets me something. We know what each other like better than anyone else and it's nice to have that little extra treat at Christmas. That said it's never been the main or only gift.

I see three options, now it's bought and can't be returned.
Tell him straight, it's not what you wanted, you will happily keep it/pay half/add to other Christmas food in the kitchen and want x (which is also £10).
Be passive aggressive or drop hints. Gah, I spotted so and so's husband at work, he's buying her Branston pickle for Christmas. Or people on Mumsnet were saying how they hate food gifts, I think they're right.
These two might result in a fallout. Personally, if I was going to say something I'd go for one with my DP and two with anyone else.
Or just suck it up and pretend you're happy. Get in some cheese and crackers and buy yourself a pair of gloves.

SparklyMagpie · 14/12/2017 10:18

So in all seriousness...are you going to say anything to him?

StormTreader · 14/12/2017 10:20

Sorry OP but I think youre being a very wet blanket about this.
He announced he would not be spending more than £10 each in future, and you went along with that, but are spending more on his mum in the hope that he will then spend more on you?

If you want him to spend more than £10, you have to tell him. If you want particular things for your present, you have to tell him. Saying nothing and then being upset that what you secretly wanted didnt happen is just not ever going to work.
You said he was happy about putting the present under the tree, hes happy because AS FAR AS HE KNOWS he did a perfect job.

whiskyowl · 14/12/2017 10:26

Just raise it with him. It doesn't have to be a fiery argument - you can simply say "I feel a bit disappointed by this gift. I don't really like chutney. Can we return it please? I'll sit down with you on Trouva - we can have a glass of wine - and show you the kind of thing I like, then you will know more in future what I want".

Marcipex · 14/12/2017 10:35

Just as you don't say "Well, I had sex with you this morning, so you should take the trash out". It's just not part of the exchange.

Disillusioned now 😕

Belleoftheball8 · 14/12/2017 10:37

Do the gifts have to be from your store. I got some lovely pjs for 6-10 pounds from
Primark the other day and slippers for 4pounds. Of course I picked them out as dh would never have thought to get me something like that.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 14/12/2017 10:42

No they don't have to be from my store. It's just I work all day with really nice stuff and there are one or two things in there I'd like. I wish he had asked me.

OP posts:
Aridane · 14/12/2017 10:44

We were in the supermarket last week and I said I love pickles, but I didn't mean I wanted them as a gift!

You see, I think it's fair enough he bought them on the back of that comment

Trinity66 · 14/12/2017 10:44

Chutney? Really? Bloody hell lol

g1itterati · 14/12/2017 10:44

"I buy all the kids presents from the money I earn working 40 hours at the store."

So you don't even have joint finances? He is the father, no? Why are you buying the DC presents? What the hell is this set-up?

I think you have bigger issues than Branston pickle.

Frederickvonhefferneffer · 14/12/2017 10:45

I have bought myself £100 worth of lovely cosmetics and have told DH that is my Xmas present from him. He wins. I win.

chocatoo · 14/12/2017 10:47

Tugtupite 's idea is the best!!

lurkingnotlurking · 14/12/2017 10:52

Buy yourself a present from the children. Treat yourself. And buy him something rubbish for his present. There are some passive aggressive geniuses on this thread

Original poster
lilypoppet · 14/12/2017 11:02

I am working up to saying something. But it is already ruined that I had to say something. My gift was clearly an afterthought after the Moulton Browne gift which was quite expensive.

OP posts:
Laiste · 14/12/2017 11:07

See i'm wondering about the who earns what thing now. You've mentioned it a couple of times OP.

I've been married twice and both times finances were all lumped in together no matter who earned what. I know folk all do stuff differently, but if it's not working for you (and it sounds as if it's not) then why have it set up this way?

IrritatedUser1960 · 14/12/2017 11:09

That would really piss me off, is there no jewellery shop near you? For fuck's sake.
My ex never managed to get me a decent gift in 15 years despite me actually telling him and pointing out stuff I liked the whole of December.
I can only assume as he ignored everything I said that he didn't give a shit, and after he ran off with another woman that did seem to be the case.
Get him a can of WD40 extravagantly wrapped and see how he likes it.