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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with DS's GF's DM???

125 replies

SottoVoc3 · 12/12/2017 23:05

My DS(15) has been invited to join his GF's family on holiday abroad next year. DS is unbelievably excited at the prospect.
However, he is supposed to be on holiday with us at the time (and he knew this). We don't really get holidays since DH died 6 years ago but a relative is lending us a fab house in a lovely seaside town. Now DS doesn't want to come as he has had his head turned by a holiday abroad with his GF.
It will cost £650. I don't have £650. If I did, I would spend it on a holiday for all 3 of us - me DS1 and DS2. DS1 says he is going to save up to pay for the holiday abroad. DS2 is not enamoured of the idea of a holiday without his brother.
AIBU to be pissed off with the GF's mum who invited my son without speaking to me first?

OP posts:

MotorwayMingebag · 13/12/2017 17:21

And talk to him about insurance costs. If it all did fall through for whatever reason he may still be down £650. Can't rely on her parents picking up his tab if they split up or if he fails to save enough and has to cancel for that reason. I can see the thread title now AIBU TO DEMAND £650 FROM MY DD BOYFRIEND WHO PULLED OUT OF HOLIDAY PLANS

milliemolliemou · 13/12/2017 17:26

Poor OP

I'd tell him you would want to speak to the GF's DM. I wouldn't go in there all guns blazing

Thanks for inviting DS
ask what does the £650 cover? Even if it's a half board hotel, lunches/drinks/coffees all mount up esp with the £ going up and down.
You just concerned about them not necessarily being together next summer - is GF's DM happy funding a name change if anything happens and refunding DS?

Would your relative's luxury villa by the sea be a place to invite the GF instead?

After various experiences myself (flying one bf home early because he'd broken up with her half way through holiday, another bf coming out even though they'd broken up) I would welcome a horde of 4 legged rats. I love them, but even fancy rats have a rodent smell.

Ethylred · 13/12/2017 17:52

Wow, £400 for Christmas and birthday money? What were the rats made of? [Misses point totally.]

Someonessnackbitch · 14/12/2017 18:18

I don’t think it’s an issue she asked him before asking you but saying that I think it’s inappropriate that a 15yo couple are going on holiday together, regardless whether her parents are there.

impossible · 14/12/2017 18:18

Can you discuss with GF's mum? Explain the situation and also tell her you can't afford to pay for DS1. My DS15) has been invited on a couple of holidays and I've always explained I can't afford to pay for him (which is true) so he hasn't gone. Be very clear about that and don't be embarrassed. When he can earn for himself he can go.

If your ds does manage to pay for himself could you let DS2 take a friend. A holiday with an unhappy DS is never worth it.

user1485778793 · 14/12/2017 18:24

Let him get the rats.....theyll last longer than the gf.

Seriously tho, they should have asked you first so you could say No, can't afford it. It's cheeky to ask you to pay. I'm wondering if they are asking coz someone else has dropped out or just to make it cheaper all round

caringcarer · 14/12/2017 18:25

Say no if you are still together the following year, in 2019. He may be angry now but should have forgotten by next summer.

Winebottle · 14/12/2017 19:06

I think you are being unreasonable.

If he is old enough to be in a romantic relationship, he is old enough to receive an invitation.

He should understand that being invited doesn't mean you get to go. If you can't afford to go or if you have prior commitments, you miss out on things. That's life.

They did a ski trip at school which cost £800. My kids did not go because we didn't have the money. It doesn't mean they shouldn't have offered the trip. They might as well get used to the fact that richer people get to do nicer things.

It is a parent's responsibility to say no to their kids even though it can be difficult. It's unreasonable to expect others to protect you from that by running everything by you first.

Jedimum1 · 14/12/2017 21:23

I'd definitely not ban your DS from the holiday with GF, and I'd not force him to go to the cottage. He'll probably be miserable, bitter and moody, he'll upset all the family.
I'd call GF's mum first for clarification of costs and invitation. I'd pass this info to DS and ask him to start saving. I'd pay for the passport as a gesture of goodwill and because he's likely to use it in the next 5 years anyway, so it's done. I'd be the supportive mum... but I'd make him pay for the trip and ask him to promise to come on holiday the following year and invite GF over instead. Chances are that either he cannot save enough, or he'll split up. In these cases, you'll still be seen as the supportive mother. If he manages to save money and they are together by then and GF's mum is still ok with him going, then he'll be grateful that you didn't stop it. And he'll have shown you maturity and organisation, if he manages to save that much. I can only see advantages of allowing him to go. Banning him is going to bring resentment and potentially ruin your holiday.
I still think this has been arisen in a quick conversation but never seriously, maybe her mum is not even aware that your son thinks he's invited or that he's taken it seriously (if she said). You need to clarify first with her.

PirateMother · 14/12/2017 22:32

I’m sat reading this on holiday with my 3 daughters. The two older ones (15, 17) have brought their boyfriends.

blueskypink · 15/12/2017 00:29

Did the boyfriends pay for themselves Pirate?

pallisers · 15/12/2017 00:44

I’m sat reading this on holiday with my 3 daughters. The two older ones (15, 17) have brought their boyfriends.

Did you have any discussion with their parents first or did the 2 boys just rock up to the airport, passport in hand after your daughters asked them to come on hols with them.

If the 15 year old boyfriend has a medical emergency, how will you handle consent?

(and do you ever worry that you are pushing your daughters into getting more serious than they need to be with their teenage boyfriends by bringing them on holiday with you - especially the 15 year old)

Mxyzptlk · 15/12/2017 00:50

Ask the Mum what happens about the £650 if they split up and he doesn't go.

Original poster

SottoVoc3 · 15/12/2017 06:49

GF's DM got in touch with me yesterday - so invitation is now official! and we've been able to talk things through. I'm inclined to agree with everything Jedimum says and be supportive-give DS the opportunity to demonstrate his resourcefulness and maturity to save up and make his own decision. I'll even buy the passport myself!
My annoyance wasn't so much about him going on holiday with them per se... but the fact it clashed with our precious family holiday and I hadn't been asked first so my son was dead set on ditching us to go with them.
Thanks all for advice, sympathy and warnings on this matter, and extra advice on rats as pets and on selling Lego!

OP posts:

blueskypink · 15/12/2017 07:11

Glad contact has been made op - and I hope you managed to let slip that they are buggering up your own holiday!.

Did the gf's mum have any thoughts on what will happen if he can't save enough? Will you be obliged to cover the cost?

maras2 · 15/12/2017 07:44

My first thought was 'It'll be over by new year' BUT
My mum said something similar when I asked < told > her that I was spending Christmas day with my boyfriend.
We're just about to spend our 49th Christmas together
Hope it all works out for you one way or another.
Glad our teenagers are all 40 plus now.

AnnabelleLecter · 15/12/2017 08:08

See if he spends his Christmas money first.
Then if he does he can't afford it this time, maybe suggest he start saving for next time?
Dd's bf came with us once, he was 17, she 16.
Tbh he positively added to the holiday, she was in a fab mood the whole time.
So we included him on the next holiday a few months later but a couple of weeks before they had split. Like the first break, it was a self catering holiday in the UK, so no-one suffered a financial cost. No way would I be including/allowing anyone that age on an upfront booking abroad. Far too likely things will change.

Jigglytuff · 15/12/2017 08:32

Yes I would just be concerned that he won't be able to save up £850 (assuming another £200 spending money/clothes) or they split and you'll be left to foot the bill. Either way, I suspect you'll end up paying a lot more than just the cost of the passport

FinallyHere · 15/12/2017 10:56

, I suspect you'll end up paying a lot more than just the cost of the passport

I really hope that you give your son the opportunity to save up and also, to learn any lessons going. It would be a real pity, if the lesson he were to learn was 'no matter what, my mother will fund my more stupid ideas and even use money intended to treat our whole little family, to cover costs i committed to pay'. As an adult, I now realise that it was actually more difficult for my parents to stick to their guns and not just bail me out. It would have been easier for them to just pay up and I am very grateful that they stuck to what they said they would do. Apart from anything else, it made the occasions when i really did step up and get something organised, sooo much sweeter and worthwhile.

ThePants999 · 15/12/2017 11:07

On this date, when I was 15, a girl and I thought we were madly in love with each other. I'd totally have gone on holiday with her family. We broke up a month later.

On this date, when I was 16, I'd been with my then girlfriend for a few months and thought we were stable. I'd totally have gone on holiday with her family. We broke up two months later.

Planning that far ahead in a 15-year-old's relationship is madness!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/12/2017 11:24

My annoyance wasn't so much about him going on holiday with them per se... but the fact it clashed with our precious family holiday and I hadn't been asked first so my son was dead set on ditching us to go with them

That's why I would have said no ...

OP (I'm not being critical), I'm just curious as to how you will make it up to your other DS? I don't mean the money, I mean the fact that his holiday has been effectively ruined.

Or can you manage to change the dates of the family holiday at all?

Original poster

SottoVoc3 · 15/12/2017 11:53

Maras2 -that's lovely!
Spartacus can't change the date of my family holiday but have invited my brother and his family to join us, so DS2 will have 2 cousins for fun.

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/12/2017 11:57

Sounds like a great compromise - hope that there is also room for DS1 if things go sour or he is not able to save the money necessary.

I'm curious btw - is the money for flights and accommodation or what? Because if (for example) the family were renting a three bed apartment (parents, boys' room and girls' room) and would be doing this anyway then I think it a bit off if they are asking DS to stump up for some of this cost. Different if they are upgrading from a two-bedder to a three-bedder though.

blueskypink · 15/12/2017 13:49

YetAnother - am also intrigued by this. I think it's reasonable to ask for some investment from the young person being invited. This demonstrates that they are serious about coming and are less likely to decide at the last minute that they won't be coming after all. But I don't think it's fair to expect them to contribute to costs that would have been incurred anyway.

When DS's gf came on holiday with us, we asked her to pay for her flight. But that's all. We were staying in a villa and always get more sleeping space than we need and certainly didn't expect her to contribute to that. We paid for all her food too. She would always offer to pay something towards meals eaten out but we refused - though did let her buy the odd round of drinks or ice creams.

They were 17 then. Had I known they'd still be together 6 years later, I'd have paid for her flight too!

It's a bit of a minefield really.

Jedimum1 · 20/12/2017 10:14

Can you also book cancellation insurance just in case, for his flight? Sometimes is a small fee but it's the peace of mind that you can cancel or swap the name on tickets if anything goes wrong. Your son is probably over the moon anyway, and that might bring a nice Christmas atmosphere. Invite GF for boxing day? Lol
:)

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