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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with DS's GF's DM???

125 replies

SottoVoc3 · 12/12/2017 23:05

My DS(15) has been invited to join his GF's family on holiday abroad next year. DS is unbelievably excited at the prospect.
However, he is supposed to be on holiday with us at the time (and he knew this). We don't really get holidays since DH died 6 years ago but a relative is lending us a fab house in a lovely seaside town. Now DS doesn't want to come as he has had his head turned by a holiday abroad with his GF.
It will cost £650. I don't have £650. If I did, I would spend it on a holiday for all 3 of us - me DS1 and DS2. DS1 says he is going to save up to pay for the holiday abroad. DS2 is not enamoured of the idea of a holiday without his brother.
AIBU to be pissed off with the GF's mum who invited my son without speaking to me first?

OP posts:
Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 23:50

Oh they will both be spotty! Grin

Tessliketrees · 12/12/2017 23:52

I would think it's weird but it would just be one of many many many things that other parents do that I find odd.

You can't account for it and there is zero point dwelling on their behaviour.

I would just tell my DS no. Actually I would laugh at him for entertaining the slightest possibility that I would in anyway allow him to go.

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 23:52

Op so sorry about your dh. It must be bloody hard raising sons yourself and you sound like you are raising a nice kid. Flowers

feska5 · 12/12/2017 23:59

Her mother should definitely have asked you first. You wouldn’t be in this predicament now as you would probably would have said thank you but no. Now you ar3 in a difficult situation. If your DS insists he wants to go then he should pay. My guess is they won’t be together and he will regret choosing to go. I would ask him to make a list of pros and cons. He will soon see it’s a no brainier

StarWarsFanatic · 13/12/2017 00:05

Sorry about your DH. I would suggest talking to GF's DM. Don't go in on the offensive just be quite casual in a "It was very generous of you to invite him but what if they break up, not that I want that but you know what teenagers are like. Do you have a contingency in place? What would the sleeping arrangements be?" kind of way. Is it a hotel or a villa? If hotel will he be in a room on his own? If a villa would it matter if he booked flights nearer the time just in case? Or are they hiring a different number of bedrooms/different sized car if he comes.

To be honest I am only saying be polite for DS's sake. What I would want to say is "Who the fuck invites a child to a foreign country without running it past their parent? You demented cow." Grin

Hatsoffdear · 13/12/2017 00:07

Star Grin

ijustwannadance · 13/12/2017 00:13

Off topic, but if he has any decent retired lego sets it would be better to sell these seperate rather than by weight.

Part of me would say no he wasn't going. The other part says let him waste his own money and learn a life lesson.

lalalalyra · 13/12/2017 00:13

Imo if you invite a child on holiday with you then you should be footing the bill, especially if you ask them without speaking to their parents. Of course a teenager is going to want to go. It's utterly ridiculous and beyond rude to invite them and then essentially hit their parents with a £600 bill.

StarWarsFanatic · 13/12/2017 00:22

Just found out my DMiL was angry that my family took my DH to Wales when we had been together for nearly a year without asking her. I had known him for four years and he was 19 at the time. She didn't tell him she was annoyed until after he got back though Grin

Original poster
SottoVoc3 · 13/12/2017 00:27

Do you know, I'm so glad I posted on here. I've been a widow for 6 years and I've learned to deal with the practical (I can put out bins/mow lawn/ repressure the boiler); the financial ( we are poor-no car, no holidays... but I manage and accept it) but it's this sort of thing I really struggle to deal with on my own.
I genuinely feel I'm not on my own with this problem. I've had helpful advice from all angles, and sympathy...so thanks to all.
Now that I know the general consensus seems to be that I am justified in feeling pissed off, I can enjoy a few moments of righteousness then I can let it all go.... and sort it out calmly.

OP posts:
CommanderDaisy · 13/12/2017 00:30

Definitely should have asked you first. What a nutter.

I would say no because they will probably break up before( and will the money still have to be paid etc), it won't be 650 when you factor in the passport cost, the spending money etc etc and because you already have a holiday booked. And you know nothing about the arrangements.

Moanaohnana · 13/12/2017 00:38

Just say no.

  1. They're clearly not responsible people.
  2. It's too much money
  3. He doesn't have a passport - more cost and hassle
  4. It puts too much pressure on a teenage relationship
  5. They may not even still be together by then
  6. As they're not responsible, you can't be sure re sleeping arrangements
  7. You need and deserve family time
  8. You won't have many more family holidays if he s 15

Just say NO.

PS) Rats make lovely pets - they are like intelligent, extremely clean little puppies. Find out more and I guarantee you will be pleasantly surprised.

Italiangreyhound · 13/12/2017 00:48

So sorry to hear about dh OP.

Jigglytuff · 13/12/2017 00:52

No, that is incredibly rude. If you invite a child on holiday, you pay for them. And you talk to their parent first.

Put your foot down

Chrys2017 · 13/12/2017 00:56

Can't you change your holiday date so DS1 can have two holidays?

And I would assume the girlfriend's parent issued the invitation on the assumption that your son would then ask for your permission, so I don't see any wrongdoing here.

DrunkUnicorn · 13/12/2017 02:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RemainOptimistic · 13/12/2017 03:26

Don't you want a break? Someone else is volunteering to look after him for a whole week, he's going to pay for it himself, it's a win win. Dragging a pissed off 16 year old away with his younger brother doesn't sound a very nice holiday for you. DS2 is going to have to learn to enjoy life without DS1 around at some point. Maybe you'd enjoy the one on one time with him too?

pallisers · 13/12/2017 03:29

This would be one of the few instances where I would call the mother (or father?) up and ask to meet. I would make it very clear that no holidays were to be offered to my child that were going to severely impact my family life and budget without her first checking with me.

She is batshit to do this without checking with you first (and even then I think it bizarre) so god knows what else she could do - invite him for christmas dinner?? You need to be clear with her.

I know someone who has 2 teens. the older one was invited to his girlfriend's for thanksgiving dinner and he went (thanksgiving is a huge deal for families in the US) leaving them with just the 3 of them on the day. Teens will be selfish but I thought it was just horrible of the other mother to have extended the invitation anyway, knowing what it would mean for his mum and dad and sister.

For the holiday itself, I'd say no. But more likely I'd say nothing at all and wait for the relationship to break up/him not save enough etc.

roundthehorn · 13/12/2017 03:34

I've invited the kids' friends on holiday in the past and, as my girls have become older, their (established) bfs have often been included. I've alway paid for accomodation and most food and guests pay for flights and spending money. The kids' friends generally sleep in the same bed, (which is why BFs don't come until they've got their feet under the table) so don't really cost me very much.
I would speak to the girl's parents, explain that as he will be paying for himself there is every chance that he may not save enough and you are not in a position to help him. Also check it's already booked as they may be able to change dates so he can join you and ds2.
Good luck, I'm a single parent with my daughters' father living on another continent so I know exactly what you mean about the emotional stuff being harder than the day to day physical parenting x

mammmamia · 13/12/2017 03:47

You sound lovely OP.
I would say no to this but I don't have a teenager yet.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 13/12/2017 04:01

Well if they invited him at 15, as a non earner, they should've asked you first as you're expected to find the jolly! Very rude

(a) they should have asked you.
(b) as they invited him , a non-earner, presumably to make their daughter happy, they should be paying, not him.

AstridWhite · 13/12/2017 04:39

Tell him he can go on the understanding that you pay half and he saves for the other half. If in the interim they break up, any lost deposit or unrecoverable expenses will have to be covered by him, not you.

If, closer to the time, it looks like it's going to go ahead, tell your other son he can take a friend on your holiday to keep him company. As it's a cottage there shouldn't be any extra expense on you that way.

RosyWelshcakes · 13/12/2017 04:52

I’d call the Mum and say - re this holiday, we work out from now what’s going to happen if they break up in the meantime? And can we also talk about sleeping arrangemts, as well as contraception just in case they manage time away on their own during the trip?

All of that should make her rethink it.

Saladtongs · 13/12/2017 05:19

Reduce the amount of Christmas and birthday money he will receive so it'll take longer to save up. Xmas Wink

Who asks to take somebody else's child abroad without asking their parent first? He is under 16 for goodness sake. There's no way I would take somebody's child on holiday because I want to relax. I won't be able to relax if I have to be responsible for somebody's child.

NotAgainYoda · 13/12/2017 05:32

Are you sure you've got all the facts and this wasn't just mentioned in passing. Ring her (them? is there a father here who bears some responsibility too?).

Most people would have called you by now though, so you don't have to be worrying about it.

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