AIBU to be pissed off with DS's GF's DM???

[SottoVoc3]

My DS(15) has been invited to join his GF's family on holiday abroad next year. DS is unbelievably excited at the prospect.
However, he is supposed to be on holiday with us at the time (and he knew this). We don't really get holidays since DH died 6 years ago but a relative is lending us a fab house in a lovely seaside town. Now DS doesn't want to come as he has had his head turned by a holiday abroad with his GF.
It will cost £650. I don't have £650. If I did, I would spend it on a holiday for all 3 of us - me DS1 and DS2. DS1 says he is going to save up to pay for the holiday abroad. DS2 is not enamoured of the idea of a holiday without his brother.
AIBU to be pissed off with the GF's mum who invited my son without speaking to me first?

... I'd also be inclined to just say No too, regardless.

Surely what will have happened is that the gf will have asked her parents if your ds can go. Parents will probably have said yes if it's ok with his mum. And also if he pays (possibly as a deterrent). At that point the gf will immediately have told your ds he can go on holiday with them.

Or possibly they might have suggested it, but they're not going to ask you first before discussing it with their dd.

In both cases his gf will have told him before her parents could possibly have had a chance to ask you. I can't imagine a scenario where the parents might have asked you before discussing first with their dd or where she might have kept things to herself until they'd spoken to you.

So yes I think you are being unreasonable to be cross with them.

But every sympathy with a difficult situation. I agree with the poster who suggested you speak to them and find out what will happen to his £650 if they split up before then. It may well be that they realise this is a risk and that's why they've asked him to pay for all the costs involved in taking him.

Tell him and more importantly her a reluctant yes.

Then make it clear it is nothing to do with you. If he doesn’t organise his own passport, clothes, save enough money the consequences of that are between him and gf’s mum. If she thinks it’s cool to ask a 15 year old abroad without discussing with their parents first she either decides to pay the difference if he doesn’t have enough money or the cancellation fees. Remember he’ll need a lot of spending money there too.

Absolutely ridiculous to invite him for something that's happening next Summer! Relationships at that age fizzle out in minutes.

I'd been fuming with the parents, appalling not to have consulted you first. What else won't they have the decency to talk to you about? Where is he sleeping? Will they be allowed out on their own? What are their views on 16 year olds drinking?

Not a chance I'd be letting my child go.

I’d definitely arrange a meeting with all four of you attending (or five to include the dad host). Keep it lighthearted, but focussed. Meetings, formal communication, lists, pros & cons discussions, contingency plans- these are what grownups do to flesh out proposals.

Have your questions ready, have your boundaries clearly figured out (ie sleeping arrangements, adrenaline sports, medical proxies).

Figure out the full budget for DS with everyone’s input. As the $$$ start to skyrocket (tix, insurance, passport, visas, daily spending money) your DS will soon get the picture, without being able to cast you as the ogre.

If the trip should turn out to be unviable (money) or the discussion hits a deal-breaker then everyone will hear and understand it in one go. You might still get tagged a helicopter mum, but it’ll cut down on the Chinese whispers that are currently happening.

I’m reminded of my mum always saying to me ‘There’s no invitation on the table if I haven’t heard it directly from another adult. There’s just a rumour of an invitation’.

Actually, that said, I’d get my DS to set up the meeting. Since he’s so keen and growed up and all.

Is it, in any way feasible that he can save the money? Does he have a job? Not easy to get one at 15....
He will need at least 1000. 650 for holiday. ? 100 ish for passport . New clothes and spending money. So, 200 a month between now and the end of May?
I have to say that it would be a flat no from me. I think its poor on her parents for inviting, full stop.too young and too flaky. I think pointing out that this is not the year but once he has a proper part time job he csn save and do what he likes.

I would also be healthily skeptical about how this came about.
No doubt some double bluffing involved.
Teen girl "i wont go unless bf comes"
Teen parents " no"
Teen girl " what if he pays for himself, in a seperate room, it wont cost you anything and his mum is totally fine with it."
Teen girl to teen boy " they have invited you, its only 650. You can find that."

Seems more likely to me

Her mother is nuts, irrespective of he fact she didn't ask you, he hasn't got the money to pay and they are 15. DS took two different girlfriends away with us on separate occasions, he was 19 and 22 at tge time. The first one was sulking and miserable all week, the second was lovely but they had split up three weeks before we went so the rest of us were walking on eggshells. Awful.

Oh, and don't forget he will want spending money too, 15 year old boys cost a lot to feed so you will be expected to stump up for that and trips too!

I would say no, and explain all ten reasons why it's not going to happen.

£650 + spending money + passport is a huge amount of money to save up. Will he have the opportunity to work / earn money at 15?

Penggwyn- what a great idea to send him down the mine. Other people have suggested he get a part time job but no one else has come up with anything concrete

Thanks to PPs suggesting this has probably come from GF who hasn't waited for her DM to approach me. You are probably right and I should dismount my high horse.

Unfortunately can't reschedule the family holiday. The relative rents the seaside house out (over 2k a week in high season) and it is now booked up by paying guests.

Think I will just ensure my son is aware of the risks/ pitfalls and let him make his own decision. I can't drag him off to the seaside if he doesn't want to come. My brother and his family are now going to come and share the house with us!!

Could you turn the tables, explain you can't afford the cot and invite his GF to come with you and your sons? Much cheaper and easier for you, and, if they have ended their relationship your holiday is already booked for the 3 of you?

When mine were teenagers (4 in just under 3.5 years, but my 3rd son died, and a single parent, unexpectedly) I let each of my children take one friend each on our holiday. Me, and 6 kids with a 4 year age difference eldest to youngest. The ONLY reason I did that for the 1st year was a similar situation to yours. We had a fantastic summer holiday each year for 4 years. Must have been crazy, but they were the best holidays we had.

How many of the people saying the parents should have gone to the OP first have teenagers? At fifteen/sixteen it's likely that the conversation has come about between the teens themselves who have then asked the mum and the mum has said "yes I suppose so but he'll have to pay for himself and his parents would have to agree."

At fifteen/sixteen most parents are way beyond organising their children's social lives for them or asking their parents' permission before mentioning it to them, because most teenagers are capable of and will be having the conversation with their parents anyway.

At fifteen/sixteen you are in the period of balance between a child who is going to tell you how it is going to be and being the parent who sometimes has to say no.

So in response to "I'm going on holiday with x next year/x's mum said I can/invited me to go on holiday next year" you simply say "sorry y but the answer is no. You A, don't have the money, B, don't have a passport, C chances are you might not even be together then anyway and D, we already have a holiday booked for that time," and then you stick to it.

It's hard but you're going to find more and more at this age that he will come to you with something he presents as a done deal and you'll be the one shattering his illusion.

Can DC2 bring a friend on holiday?

650 for a holiday abroad sounds like a lot of money. Really, he should only be paying for his flights and activities, with you possibly offering to pay towards food but for that to be politely declined.

It seems odd that they would have no concept of how much money this might be for you and have no understanding of your potential financial circumstances.

My typo looked as tho your son went straight from boyfriend to father!! Oops, apologies.

I meant, explain you can't afford the COST, not the COT!!

I would speak to the parent directly. If she has invited him, she should pay.

• she invited him
• she knows he isn't earning
• if they break up, it's her holiday, if she's in charge of how that's handled, she should pay.

I would ring her ask her if it's a gift. If she says not, ask why she didn't directly ask the person who would need to pay. It's probably not the best way to pave future relations but this would make me so cross! There's so many problems with this invite and they may very well not be together next year as others have said.

I would also counter invite the GF to your holiday.

The mother probably said something like "If its ok with your mum you can come away with us next year" - your DS hasn't actually relayed that message, he's heard "sunshine beano with sex GF"

Why haven't you phoned the GFs mother to ask the situation? Three pages of ifs and buts but you haven't even phoned the other parents. You're getting yourself in an absolute twist over a third party conversation that in all probability hasn't been reported back to you correctly.

Will D'S be 16 by next summer? If so, there's not a lot you can do to stop him.

Send her a text 'Ohh mother of DSs GF how lovely of you to take him on holiday, we'd never have been able to afford for him to have a holiday abroad so it's so kind of you to offer. He will of course be paying for his own passport and spending money, but he's more than happy to take you up on your offer of a holiday!'

*Disclaimer: I am of course saying this because I am fully expecting her to then start a MN thread titled 'Is DDs BFs mother a cheeky fucker or should I pay'

haven't even phoned the other parents ...absolute howler!

I am sure the other mother would have relished a call about this in the small hours between half eleven last night and now

It does seem the other mother has got no idea and I would lay good money it is exactly like AJPTaylor said, so I'd not be the one to say he could not go, but I'd be putting a serious downer on it and pointing out all the negatives.

I suspect the gf invited him rather than the parents and they are in cahoots.

Forgive me for being cynical, but if this is a villa holiday, taking an extra person who's paying for themselves may well reduce the cost for the rest of them!