AIBU to be pissed off with DS's GF's DM???

[SottoVoc3]

My DS(15) has been invited to join his GF's family on holiday abroad next year. DS is unbelievably excited at the prospect.
However, he is supposed to be on holiday with us at the time (and he knew this). We don't really get holidays since DH died 6 years ago but a relative is lending us a fab house in a lovely seaside town. Now DS doesn't want to come as he has had his head turned by a holiday abroad with his GF.
It will cost £650. I don't have £650. If I did, I would spend it on a holiday for all 3 of us - me DS1 and DS2. DS1 says he is going to save up to pay for the holiday abroad. DS2 is not enamoured of the idea of a holiday without his brother.
AIBU to be pissed off with the GF's mum who invited my son without speaking to me first?

If they are still an item in the summer, he will be vile company on your holiday, & may well ruin it (although less so if you have other family joining you now)
I would tell him if he can afford it, including the passport, spending money etc, he can go, but you will not be funding it.

I’d tell him the first step is getting a passport. And see what happens. It might just be enough to get him to realise just how much he is going to have to sacrifice to pay for the holiday. The photos alone will cost him £5-£10.

Its also an ideal time of year for a paper round. Cold and dark.

I think if it were me I would say no. If it didnt clash then I would let him go but as it does I would ring the DM and explain its not possible this time. If they are still together for the next time then great. But in this case family takes priority. He is 15 and it will be one of the last family holidays you have together while they are still kids. Depending on how stubborn he is he may save the money and go against your wishes and if he does then so be it. He may learn a hard lesson in the long run. Or he may not. But, I would not give my permission for him to go.

I agree with most of that @LoverOfCake but if you’re expecting your child’s boyfriend’s family to pay for the holiday, it would be politer to say “No, that’s not how it works. I need to speak to @SottoVoc3 first.”

And you don’t have to be very smart to work out that a child who is being raised by a single mum in the worst of circumstances and who has never been abroad before probably doesn’t have £650 lying around.

Maybe GF's parents are equally pissed off with you for inviting their daughter on a holiday without speaking to them first which is why you havent heard anything... And your DC are planning a jaunt together!

You can wisk him off to the seaside, he is a child, if the holiday abroad offer is genuine, yes, GFs parents should have spoken to you.As other posters have said it is very unlikely they will still be together then anyway.

Aghhhhh Tangled I hadn't even thought of that possibility. It's like a step up from the old "I'm sleeping over at my mate's house" trick

I’d call the mum too and say you don’t have the money. Thanks for the invite and all... then I’d say to my son it’s in his hands, if he wants to go he sorts it. He’s not going to find £650, plus the money for a passport (I think you said he didn’t have one), and it would resolve itself.

Next summer is a long time away, agree they’ll likely not be together.

Grand father? God father? What is GF?

This caught me on the hop, too Coastal

I thought it referred to Darling Son's Grandfather's Dear Mother (ie the boy's Great-grandmother.

I really mixed me up on the tread I can tell you, especially when I got to the "dating" posts . . .

More fool the the parents. I hope they have £650 going begging, plus costs for name changes on tickets, because even if they are still together, which I doubt, it doesnt sound like he will have the money!

FWIW, DD got an invitation like this from her friends mum at the same age and she didnt speak to me first either. It did annoy me that the girls got all excited about going on hols together when I hadnt actually been asked never mind said yes! I did agree after I spoke to the mum but she had no right to do that imo, its like inviting a kid on a play date without checking with mum first, some things you just dont do!

It will be more than the 650 when you factor in spending money and the like ...

I think you need to say 'no', both because of this and because his choosing the holiday with the GF essentially ruins your plans and those of your other DS as well. He gets it all and you get left in the cold. Plus he is 15. Plenty of time for other trips with (likely other) girlfriends.

Rats make lovely pets - they are like intelligent, extremely clean little puppies. Find out more and I guarantee you will be pleasantly surprised

This ^ - what Moana says.

They get a bad press because of their sewer-dwelling relations, but none of us can choose our relative, I'm afraid.

They are clean, affectionate and a total delight. Much, much less stinky than mice (which PONG) and much. much less bitey than hamsters (which can be little bastards). If you tickle them, they laugh, which I think is one of the most charming things ever (it sounds wheezy).

Think of them as bald-tailed squirrels. . Seriously - they are wonderful pets.

At that age I was invited on holiday with a friend, I didn't realise at the time but it was so they could get a deal for 4 and not pay the supplement. I'm pretty sure now that they got the arm in with the cost but my DP let me go.

Her father was massively tight, like trying to negotiate on buses tight.

This could be completely different but just reminded me of it a bit..

Very inappropriate to have asked him without checking your family can afford to pay. Who invites a child along leaving open the possibility of him being let down? They should be offering to pay in these circumstances, otherwise it's more of a curse than a blessing from your point of view.

YANBU, the mum should have asked you first.

However as pp said, they may well have broken up by then anyway.

Although, that said... At age 16 I invited my 16 year old boyfriend on our family holiday. By the time it came around we had indeed broken up and I had a new boyfriend.

Somewhat bizarrely, my ex still came with us on the holiday. It didn't seem so weird at the time though.

I think this is one of those heartwrenching moments where you realise a kid is growing up into a young man, and that a whole world of possiblities outside of the domestic nuclear family is opening for them. It's really hard to accept, but at 15 he may simply be a bit old for a family holiday and ready to spread his wings and go away with others.

I think he needs to find the cash to do this, though - via work or sales of his things.

I'd be the ogre here, to spare him the potential heartache of either losing £650 on a holiday he can't go on because he's broken up with gf, or of saving madly to discover it still isn't enough and he can't go.

Tell him no, this is the last time you will get a family holiday with him, and he can go with his girlfriend whereever he likes when he's 18

I'd talk to the mum saying that you can't afford & if they want to risk a 15yr old magicing up the money that's their lookout!

As for making him holiday with you-well yes, you can-he's 15!

I agree that he is looking at closer to £1000 when you factor in spending money, new clothes etc.

Have you sat him down and shown him the figures? Include what lego is going for per kilo (not much) and second hand prices for anything else he may have that is saleable as I bet its alot less than he is thinking. Kids tend to have a "it'll be fine" attitude, but you cant argue with figures down there in black and white, although he will try!

Ime of teens (2 down, 2 current, 2 to go!) its best to try and make them think it is their idea to not do something by presenting the facts in a non patronizing way and then leaving them to it for a few days. Most will eventually see sense and the ones that dont will soon learn from their mistakes!

Has the invite come from the GF or her mum? Are you absolutely sure her mum has invited your DS or is it a case of "my mum says...". I have a 15 year old DS and get this a lot.
As an aside, if he plays football (or even likes it) , look into him doing the junior refereeing course as a nice little earner. DS1 earns £20-25 an hour each weekend refereeing local junior leagues.

Agreeing with everyone saying that there are a number if ways this might have come about, not all of which paint's the girlfriend's mother in a bad light. However, i would strongly encourage to to work it through, rather than just say a blanket no. A blanket no will focus all his anger and resentment on you, very fairly and give him much less chance of learning what a bad idea all this is...

At a similar age, my parents always just said no, no discussion. My response was to sulk a bit for a while, well until i had worked out how to do something much more dangerous, with much more shady people, which they never ever found out about. Think hitchhiking, staying overnight well, where ever we happened to be. Thinking back, well, i'd rather not.... But they thought they were keeping me under control and now I get that they loved me and only wanted the best for me. At the time, they were just an obstacle to be overcome and wow, i got good at that.

I really would talk to the parents first, quite i formally, asking them their understanding and work from there to a position you can agree about. The statement money not needed til later sounds as if they are buying the tickets and only expecting to be paid back later....If its true, maybe they are wanting their daughter to have company on the holiday and are keeping their options open and prepared to pay the admin fee to change the name if necessary... They should be aware that you are not in a position to pay, and why should DS1 be paid for at he expense of DS2 ? and make sure you both are aware of what is being agreed.

Then enjoy....all the best.

I'd be the big bad I Said NOOOOOO on this. If I said yes, I'd be worried he would turn around in ten years time and say "I paid £650 and sold all my lego for a holiday with a girl I split up with 2 weeks later, WHY DID YOU LET ME DO SOMETHING SO STUPID, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE!!???"

This. Because something similar happened to me. When I was 13-17 I had a relationship that was so emotionally fraught and complex that I just couldn't cope with it. I desperately needed someone to see this and step in to parent me as a vulnerable child should be parented. I DON'T blame my lovely parents, more than than 10 years on, but I'm probably projecting a bit. So if this was me I'd say no, you can explain the reasons, of which there are many. But essentially, I think you'll save him heartache in the long run as the chances of them staying together are minimal. Also, chat about contraception.

Hope you have a lovely holiday with your family

no ynbu thy shold hav checked first

and what about food spending money? not jut hotel ad flight u hav to consider

I don't expect the GF parents have made the decision that your son is coming along too.
I expect it is like the saner posters others have suggested an informal agreement in principle. Probably knowing it would never happen.

Who in their right mind invites their 15/16-year-old daughter's spotty boyfriend to go on holiday with them?

I would be saying ing no way you are far too young to be going on holiday with a g/f. Not even to do with the money, I'd be on the phone to the g/fs parents wondering why they thought it was ok to ask him without asking me first.

Also, I agree it's a bit optimistic to think that 15 year olds are going to stay together for a year