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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why you had children ?

111 replies

Ashamedandblamed · 12/12/2017 22:24

I keep thinking about children lately.

A lot of my friends have had babies this year and not in the best circumstances. I think it's put me off.

Ndn children scream and bang from 7:30-11pm which boils my blood As it is !

I keep thinking about how will I cope?Will I even be able to conceive? do I even want children ? I don't want to give up my job!

I guess I'm just panicking I don't exactly have my life together anyway.

So would I be unreasonable to not have children?

And could I ask did you always know you wanted them. Did it suddenly click for you and you wanted them.

Did you decide not to and regret it?

OP posts:
WhoAteAllthePercyPigs · 13/12/2017 04:17

I was never hugely broody but I did know I wanted kids. But I was under no illusions about how hard it would be and I was right. It is damn hard and utterly exhausting. But. It is also utterly amazing and at the risk of sounding like a naff Facebook meme, the love I have for my DC is overwhelmingly powerful, its intensity took me by surprise.

However. I do miss my childfree life, I miss sleep, holidays, me time, the chance to really perform well at work, spare cash to treat ourselves, my pre preg figure, sleep...the list goes on. Did I mention sleep??

It is all absolutely worth it though and I wouldn't, couldn't be without my DC. But I do wonder if ideas selfish of me to add to an already overcrowded planet, and I worry about what their future will be in this world.

So yes, to echo PP, if you're not feeling that urge to have kids...don't. There are many routes to living a happy fulfilled life, having children is only one of them.

The80sweregreat · 13/12/2017 06:19

The thing I struggle with is the worry mostly and my two are both in their 20s now. Its never ending on that front for me.

I suppose we had them as other people had them and it seemed the thing to do after 5 years together ( married 3 years by then) I was very naive though, my brothers were older than me and had children so i had a bit of a romantic view of them - that soon changed. My mum warned me that they were hard work, but i didnt listen! love to them pieces and don't regret it, i just wished i was a bit more clued up at the time ( and didnt listen to other people!)

Ecureuil · 13/12/2017 06:24

Of course YANBU to not have children if you don’t want them! Only you can make that decision.
Mine are 4 and 2 and have been in bed from 7-7 since they were 4 months old. Certainly no banging and screaming Grin.
I had them because I wanted them. I don’t have much family (parents divorced, brother died, no extended family) and I wanted to create my own family. I knew DH would be a fantastic father (and he is). Yes we’re knackered but we’re happy!

MsHopey · 13/12/2017 06:33

My OH has always wanted kids. I always said no. As the oldest of 8, I knew how much hard work was needed, I thought my husband was always very naive as he hasn't been round many babies and only saw the fun side as they got older.
Anyway, when we'd been together for 5 years, the idea seemed more appealing, I kept thinking about it, but then kept changing my mind.
I kept waiting for life to get more stable, better jobs, better house, and nothing was going right to be honest.
7 years after we met, I don't even know how it happened, but one day I said we'd do it. I came off the pill. 4 months later I was pregnant, I cried, i was so scared, what if I'd made a terrible mistake.
As the due date got closer, I kept worrying I wasn't going to love the baby, I wasn't going to connect with him, or I was going to be a shit Mom.

Who would have thought it would be the best thing that ever happened to me? I am so in love. I feel like I've found my purpose. Everyone that knows me can't believe I've turned out the way I have after so long of saying I don't want any.
DS is 5 months old now. But we already know we want a second. But if someone had asked me when I found out I was pregnant, I don't know. It's all so strange. But that's my experience.
I suppose you always regret the things you didn't do.

SparklingSnowfall · 13/12/2017 07:03

Of course it's acceptable not to have children.

I could have taken or left having them, I really wasn't bothered but I did feel like something was missing from my life. As cheesy as it sounds, the moment I had DS I knew that's what it was, I just have 2, that's enough for me but I love them more than it's possible to say.

ChristmasAddict · 13/12/2017 07:23

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting children. They completely change your life and I would never encourage anyone to do it unless they really wanted to. I had the burning desire and I don't regret it but on discovering how hard it actually is we decided to stick with one. Thankfully I haven't been revisited by the burning desire :)

kaytee87 · 13/12/2017 07:29

I always knew I wanted children so there was no decision to make really. I've always been a 'carer' of people and I love being a mum.
I'd say if you don't really want children then don't try and talk yourself into it. There's nothing wrong with not wanting children at all.

fantasmasgoria1 · 13/12/2017 07:36

I love my children and they are amazing but I am not naturally maternal so found the whole process difficult. In another life I probably would not have had any children but I did and as I said they are brilliant better now they are young adults!

Tumbleweed101 · 13/12/2017 07:38

I always wanted children and ended up with four. The one thing you don’t realise until later (at least not on a deeper level) is that they are there forever! I found the teenage years harder work than the baby years and most parenting stuff you read before having children is about caring for baby and toddlers.

There is no reason to have children just because and plenty of other things to do in life. As to regrets- we can only make our choices as we go, we can’t go by how we might feel later in life. So long as each decision is a choice then there should be no regrets. (As opposed to someone who wants children but can’t conceive for example).

Ohyesiam · 13/12/2017 07:42

If you have to think about it to the level of soul searching, then maybe you shouldn't. It's hard work and will turn your world upside down.
It is the best thing I've ever done, but it's best if you want to.

Curiousgeorgey · 13/12/2017 07:45

As simple as it sounds, I always dreamed of being a mother. Fell pregnant unexpectedly at 20 and although nervous about it, I was overjoyed. Its been hard but great too and absolutely my calling in life. I know ill die happy now that ive experienced having my children.

Clippityclop79 · 13/12/2017 07:58

ringle

1. The alternative was going on ever more exotic holidays which is even worse than climate change

No. It really isn't. Without wanting to derail the thread, having a child is, per year, about 20 times as destructive as a (very) long-haul flight.

I don't have children.

  1. Because I don't want them.
  2. Because the planet is fucked enough as it is, we don't need to add to the population.

But number 1 is the main reason of course, it's a selfish reason: I want... Same reason as people have children: I want.

As simple as that really :/

Trills · 13/12/2017 08:21

don't really fancy it

I just don't like doing things that are hard and boring and I can't get out of. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Clippityclop79 · 13/12/2017 08:42

Trills Grin

purpleRH · 13/12/2017 08:53

OP, I have very similar feelings to you, so can only say that I understand the conflicting thoughts and views you may be having! All of the women I know are bar one are either pregnant / have had children, so I do feel slightly strange for feeling different about children. I just don't know either way yet what I want, but have always been more against having children then having them.

I hope you manage to figure it out. Never feel like you're being judged - having children is a very personal decision and there is absolutely no right or wrong choice. It's your life and your choice only. Smile

Arealhumanbeing · 13/12/2017 08:57

I decided not to because I felt that to agonise over something meant that you didn’t actually want it (so OBVIOUS to me now).

I have never wanted children but I confused a slight desire to fit in along with fear of being without family for broodiness for a while. It just wouldn’t have occurred to me to go ahead without really really wanting to.

I’m so glad I listened to myself. The sheer amount of people (friends of mine) who have had babies they didn’t want, for their partners, because they might regret not doing so etc etc is scary. Also in my fairly progressive left wing circle of friends, the women do the majority of the house work and childcare. I spend time with my male friends in the pub. I spend time with my female friends, their wives, at their house, looking after the kids. It drives me absolutely mad.

I was desperate to get my women friends together for a Christmas meal and drinks. It turned into a very big deal and won’t be happening but I will see them all for a drink individually. At their homes, once the kids are in bed.

I love children and I love family life but I don’t want my own and I sometimes spend time mentally preparing for the future. But it looks bright and I love my life now too.

I felt like you, OP and now I’m grateful every day that I didn’t have kids.

JaceLancs · 13/12/2017 09:03

I didn’t but ex DH did! I gave in and had 2 DC quite close together
He left me for OW when they were 3 and 4 and offered to take DC
I had got v attached to them by then and refused!
They are adults now and we have a fab relationship - best thing I ever did
Ex DH has never been happy and has had a series of failed relationships and a distant one with DC

Original poster
Ashamedandblamed · 13/12/2017 09:42

Corcory

We adopted so haven't added to the population but have taken 2 children out of care and given them a family.

Love this Smile

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 13/12/2017 10:19

Only you can decide op. Sorry, I know that's not helpful but it is true. I know of only one person who openly regrets not having them.

It's not something I really thought much about until my late 20s and then all of a sudden something clicked and I wanted at least one.

I now have two and they're my absolute greatest achievement. I get a bit fed up with all the doom merchants who are forever warning others about how hard it is tbh. Some find it hard, others don't. I work, have maintained a career, somehow manage to juggle everything (with a strong and supportive dh who pulls his weight with everything) and really thoroughly enjoy my dc, with only the odd blip. I don't regret having them, they have made me who I am now, who I have become. I'm a much stronger person because of them.

You will hear lots of horror stories. It's good to have realistic expectations. But there's a lot of false negativism out there ime and if everyone listed to them, nobody would ever have children.

bibliomania · 13/12/2017 11:02

In all honesty, I admire someone who makes the decision not to have children.

I had mine for selfish reasons, because I wanted to experience that part of life. I also panicked (prematurely) about running out of time and not getting the opportunity and had dd with someone unsuitable. This has made life harder than it needs to be for dd, and I'm sorry for her sake, but I can't help rejoicing that she's here.

blue2014 · 13/12/2017 11:51

I was never a coo-Ing broody mess for children - they were ok but I mostly didn't want to spend time with them but I always knew I wanted to be a mum, especially to an older child. It was just something I knew I wanted even though i expected it to suck

It took IVF to get DS here but it turns out I love being his mum. It's great fun. I'll be sticking at one though because it's also relentless and exhausting.

I have several friends who don't want kids - i would honestly say if you not fancy it, don't do it. It's a 24 hour job (and I thought I was busy before DS!)

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 11:53

YANBU to not want children lol if you don't want them don't have them :p Mine weren't exactly planned but I always knew I wanted them anyway so no big deal

Timmytoo · 13/12/2017 12:42

I’m not having any. Mental health issues which they’d inherit, the endless work, responsibilities etc and I’d feel trapped. I’m a carefree introverted individual who likes doing what I like and exploring lots of things and places and I also need copious amounts of space. My DP and I are the same & I think we’d find children unbearably stressful. I’m finally doing well at work and I love where I live, I’ve never been questioned on my decision though so I don’t think people are all that bothered.

hellofresh · 13/12/2017 13:20

LHReturns crazy but lovely Smile

Arealhumanbeing · 13/12/2017 13:39

Mental health issues which they’d inherit, the endless work, responsibilities etc and I’d feel trapped. I’m a carefree introverted individual who likes doing what I like and exploring lots of things and places and I also need copious amounts of space.

This.

Me too, @Timmytoo

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