To wonder why you had children ?

[Ashamedandblamed]

I keep thinking about children lately.

A lot of my friends have had babies this year and not in the best circumstances. I think it's put me off.

Ndn children scream and bang from 7:30-11pm which boils my blood As it is !

I keep thinking about how will I cope?Will I even be able to conceive? do I even want children ? I don't want to give up my job!

I guess I'm just panicking I don't exactly have my life together anyway.

So would I be unreasonable to not have children?

And could I ask did you always know you wanted them. Did it suddenly click for you and you wanted them.

Did you decide not to and regret it?

I was always a bit torn. I imagined a future with kids, and without kids, and felt more drawn to a future with children. I wanted the experience of being a parent. I think if my partner hadn’t been keen on children it may not have happened, although I’m definitely not having for him. Am now 37 weeks with first child, aged 37.

I realised at a young age that I didn't want children. All parents ever seem to do is moan about how hard it is so I thought "why bother?"

I can't stand being around children, I find them deeply irritating and very boring at all ages. I'm really glad I don't have children.

Having children has made me more stressed, more isolated, more worried, more poor and more tired - but its also the best thing that ever happened to me and brought so much happiness too. If I could go back in time I would still choose to have them without a doubt but it seems like madness in some ways.

I always wanted kids, we had them a lot earlier than I would have chosen to. I was told at 21 I was infertile so we started then, still took 5yrs.

I don’t think anyone should have children because they think they should. If you want to great, but if you don’t want to then don’t, fine either way. What’s not ok is having them because you think you ought to and then bitterly regret it.

My DH said he wanted one and I was curious about what it would be like, so I agreed. I was 33 and had done most other things - that seems to have worked well for my level of contentment now.

I always thought I didn't want kids, was worried about the planet, etc. My DH and I are childhood sweethearts and he has always wanted to be a Dad. I agreed as I knew I would lose him if I said no. We don't have any yet but are going to start trying next year. A couple of years ago I got really broody, it was more need than want, I couldn't explain it. It wasn't "practical" for us to start trying at the time though.

I have now realised there is never a perfect time. Yesterday DH said something about how we would have been better off if we just had one years ago and I agree. But I wouldn't have started trying if I didn't know they were truly wanted. And I doubt I would have ever been ready to try if I were not with DH, I couldn't imagine having children with anyone else.

Hats ok, thanks for replying and not snapping at me 😃
When you’re childfree (Not childless, which is very, very different) you get the same comments over and over again. ‘Breeder bingo’ sums it all up, and if you’re a woman, in your thirties it is relentless.

I'm embarrassed to say I didn't think it through too carefully before I had DD, I had an idealised view of how parenthood would be and its the hardest thing I've ever done.

I absolutely can't imagine my life without them now, I've never felt a more intense love and protective instinct. The only way I can describe it is like putting on glasses after being short sighted my whole life, and seeing clearly exactly what is important and what isn't.

I always thought i would never have children until I met my other half I wanted to have children with him, I wanted his children, I wanted to create a family, our family. We now have 2 girls and I couldn't be happier I love him, them and my life now and could never regret them.

If you don't want children don't have them, I know lots of people that don't have children never wanted them and did not change their minds even on meeting the person they wanted to spend their lives with.

You may not like what I am going to say OP, but if you really wanted to have children, you would not have asked here, it would be a done thing.

Also, remember that it is possible to have a disabled child. Think if you could do it.

clit

I just can’t imagine the bloody cheek of people asking about such personal decisions.

Like you say there are threads in here where family and friends are constantly asking about children while the poor op is desperate to conceive and others where they just don’t want kids. It’s just so rude to comment and judge. No one knows other people’s circumstances.

We have it the other way and been called selfish to have had 5 kids.

You can’t bloody win as a woman can you

@usernameinfinito I disagree. I waffled about for ages, it didn’t mean I didn’t want kids. I just take a long time to decide about things.

We adopted so haven't added to the population but have taken 2 children out of care and given them a family.

I felt a need for it, a deep desire to have a child. Not a baby mind you, for me babies are gorgeous and lovely but I got pregnant to have a baby to ultimately have a child, who I could show life and teach things who would ultimately become an adult.

I am extremely pragmatic but didn’t really take into account how very unpragmatic I’d feel once my ‘baby but future child’ had actually arrived.

I have three and love them dearly. They are all adults now (though not all financially independent yet) and have all left Belgium for the UK and I miss them. It’s not been an easy ride and they have been incredibly expensive (no uni maintenance loans for EU students) but I don’t regret having them. However, if I were younger now, I’m not sure I’d have them. Not because it’s selfish - quite the opposite in fact. Not only for the planet but for them. What sort of a life would they have to struggle through? It’s already more difficult for my dcs than it was for me and I can’t see that improving with future generations.

Someone said about having children to secure your future. My df passed away earlier this year and my dm has repeatedly said that she doesn’t know what she would have done without the family. We have all pitched in to do as much as possible to keep her company (I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been over this year) and I’m glad we have been able to do that and also have wanted to do it. However, if I were in this situation, I would of course love to see my children but I wouldn’t expect it or want them to feel obligated. I didn’t have children to look after me in my age. They will potentially have their own families to look after.

Despite a shitty childhood I always wanted children, as in whenever people asked me what I wanted to be when I was a grown up I said "a mum" even once at high school I still said this but also added I wanted to be a paediatric nurse, I did work as a nanny for several years but weirdly when nursing I ended up in geriatrics. Other end of spectrum but with some similarities skill wise.

As it turned out it wasn't entirely meant to be. I wanted at least 3, but only have the one.

Pregnancy 1 - unplanned at 18, mc and I didn't deal with it well which resulted in a desperate need physical and emotional.

Met and married ex.

Pregnancy no 2 mc twins, endo, twisted and enlarged ovary and some scar tissue discovered, I had to have a few surgeries and medical treatment before I was advised I could ttc again.

Pregnancy 3 - dd, medically very difficult pregnancy and at the birth we both almost died.

I couldn't have any more. Ex wouldn't foster or adopt either.

Maybe something (nature, God, karma, the universe) knew something I didn't.

Ex turned out to be an arse and dd has a disability which was only diagnosed a few years ago. It's the 2 of us against the world and has been for years.

I have friends who have chosen not to have children and some who can't, the judgment and abuse they get is disgusting.

i think it's a totally sensible thing to do to not have children if you don't want them, all children should be wanted ideally. It's a very personal decision.

Of course you wouldn't be unreasonable not to have children. If it keeps playing on your mind then it's right to rationalise the prospect and work out the right reasons for you to even consider having them.
As the oldest of four with a handicapped sibling it was clear to me from a very young age how demanding it was to be a mother.
When I was in my 20s I used to say I didn't want any children then I recall my DM saying to me how sad she'd be on my behalf if I never had any. Then in my mid thirties when I was in a long-term relationship a random GP said not to leave it too late. A few years later I came off the pill because of unwanted side-effects.
We tended to use condoms except when we forgot and after a year or so of being haphazard I conceived somewhat, but not entirely, unexpectedly.
I've had interesting jobs and worked in some fascinating places but I can honestly say DD has given me the most sheer pleasure I've ever had in my life. Some of the usual anxieties of course but the joy more than compensates.
But I will enter the massively important caveat that she has almost always been healthy and happy. It's essential to think really carefully about how you would cope if you don't hit that jackpot of a happy, healthy child. A child is for life not just for eighteen/twenty-one/forty years.

I was never the broody type and we had said we weren't going to have children.
Then we got married and something just clicked, I think for the first time in my life I felt safe and could relax, I got massively broody.
Discussed at length with Dh for months. I realised that I wanted us to have something that only Dh and I could create, something that would be real and tangible and show we'd been together, even if one of us suddenly passed away. Not sure if that's selfish or not. Cheesy though.
I very much wanted a child though, not to just have a baby. I can say I have loved each section of her growing up. So now we have a nearly 4yr old DD.
Yes they're difficult bits, the times without sleep, ill bits, but oh I love her so so much, she's the best and has helped to make me a better person.

I wanted to share my love and help my child grow into a lovely soul. I wanted to care and nuture and love.
I adore my daughter, she is the light of my life. Noisey and exhausting but the best part of my life.

I have said this before on Mumsnet, but I'll say it again because I haven't seen it said yet.

For me, a lot of having children was honestly about being able to be mindful with my time again, to notice it going by and appreciate it rather than letting it slip away.

When you are a child, summers last forever, a week is eternity to wait, every day is a whole new experience. Every year is quite different, to the point where most of my childhood memories can be pinned down to a specific month of a specific year, even decades later.

Then you enter the working world, you meet someone you stay together with, and life can start to become permeated with a sort of sameness. A whole year goes by and you're still having the same conversations with the same coworkers and you've got to deal with that one trait of your partner's that still drives you vaguely crazy a few times a year but it's all. the. same. Sometimes it feels like being on a treadmill.

You know what's not the same? The way you feel about your sweet, ever-moving cyclone of an 18-month old versus the way you feel about your roly-poly smiling 6 month old. Every year of your children's lives is again differentiated, much the way your own life used to be when you were a child yourself. Baby groups give way to ballet, preschool birthday parties with cake and ice cream change into pizza-scarfing sleepovers. A fascination with dinosaurs yields to a fascination with guitars.

It's too easy in our society to let your prime years become routinized to the point of total, unending sameness. My bachelor uncle told me that he regrets that part -- he has wonderful friends, he has a routine he has followed most every day for 40 years, but now he is having health problems and feels he let those years pass without really even noticing how fast it was happening.

If there's one thing being a parent teaches you, it's how fleeting each moment is, and that they don't come again -- you have to take advantage of each one as they arise.

@stroke you're so right when you say NOT wanting them is also a biological urge.

I never saw myself as a mum even as a kid, it just never crossed my mind that children would be in my future. As I got older my desire to never have children only grew deeper. I honestly think becoming a parent would ruin my life. I can't see any positives to it, I don't like children I find them pretty difficult to communicate with and I'm incredibly grateful that none of my friends have kids as I really don't enjoy being around them (probably due to never having any young kids in my family, I'm an only child and never really saw other family, we're not a large or close family).

I accidently got pregnant three years ago and knew immediately I'd have an abortion. The sense of elation and relief I felt after the abortion just confirmed to me that motherhood isn't for me. Even my own mum says she thinks it would destroy me and advises me against it!

Sorry to any parents who might find my feelings extreme and upsetting, I have no doubt that it is a deeply enriching and wonderful experience for some people but I don't think it would be that way for me.

I never really had a desperate urge for children and then was told in my mid-30s that I couldn't for medical reasons.
Then at 44 I was suddenly very tired and there he was on the ultrasound. Faced with a very late, one-time opportunity, I went for it.
I love him to bits but one is enough for me

I was a 37 year old single woman with a great career and total satisfaction. Boyfriends but no one close to wanting to make a life long commitment to. Then I met someone who was not my type but strangely captivating. He was divorced with two children.

At one of our early dates I made it clear kids were not a priority. He laughed and said 'you should have a baby...kids ruin your life but they also bring endless unimaginable joy to your life....you shouldnt miss it, so go on, I will have a baby with you....you haven't got long...let's do it for fun!'. So mature.

Without boring with the details this humorous chat led to my being pregnant 3 months later. It wasn't an accident - we both knew we were trying this crazy project (we both needed something spontaneous in our lives at that time) and we had the means to make it work if it happened. But neither of us really thought it would be the month after I had my coil out.

I was irresponsible and far too casual about conceiving a baby. At the start it was like an interesting new project with someone I admired and fancied and trusted. Of course the relationship was wobbly through my horrible hyperemesis pregnancy and early newborn stage. We had no relationship history then to give us both the faith.

Three years on I am 42....we have two sons now aged 3 and 6 months....we are married....shocked by our new life together but I could not be happier. Thank god I took a risk suggested by a crazy man....because if I hadn't I would missed out on the two things that make me so deliriously satisfied and happy every day. And kids do mess everything up entirely, but I have also broken new records in productivity and managed to secure a full time job that offers enough flexibility to be with my sons nearly enough to make me sick with guilt every day. I accept the guilt now....it is one of the treats that awaits a new working mum.

Lots of it has sucked....but overall it is the most exciting happy journey I have been on. Everything Is kind of more interesting with my kids (and step kids). None of this was planned. I took a risk because I kind of liked the man offering himself, and I kind of wanted to know if I could make a decent job of getting pregnant and carrying a mini me to term.

And my having kids brought me so much closer to my husband as finally I understood what his bond with his previous children meant, and why I never needed to feel threatened by it. I get it now and I find myself happy to be a part of this club which for many years I never wanted to join.

It's never unreasonable to choose not to have children if you don't want to, or you're not sure.

For me, I always vaguely thought that I would want them at some point, wasn't totally sure but started TTC anyway. It was difficulty in getting pregnant that really made me want a child. The fear we might never have that was huge.

However I can't imagine myself wanting children without my DH. If I were single I think I'd have happily remained childless.