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Original poster

To wonder why you had children ?

111 replies

Ashamedandblamed · 12/12/2017 22:24

I keep thinking about children lately.

A lot of my friends have had babies this year and not in the best circumstances. I think it's put me off.

Ndn children scream and bang from 7:30-11pm which boils my blood As it is !

I keep thinking about how will I cope?Will I even be able to conceive? do I even want children ? I don't want to give up my job!

I guess I'm just panicking I don't exactly have my life together anyway.

So would I be unreasonable to not have children?

And could I ask did you always know you wanted them. Did it suddenly click for you and you wanted them.

Did you decide not to and regret it?

OP posts:
Clitoria · 12/12/2017 22:59

[waits for digs about why people who choose not to have a kid are on MUMSnet though ]

WickedLazy · 12/12/2017 23:01

I got pregnant at 18. I wanted to have the baby and I'm glad I did. I had to put my big girl pants on, grow up and get on with it. In hindesight, it would have been much easier without my fuckwit ex. I'm 25 and feel about 45, but it's totally worth it. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Dogsmom · 12/12/2017 23:01

I was adamant I didn't want kids, I really disliked them and even asked to be sterilised when i was 21.

However when I was 34 I knew I was finally with the right guy and it suddenly felt like the natural thing to do, my Mom was also diagnosed with a brain tumour and it hit home how important family are to me.
It took 3 years to conceive and so I'm really glad I didn't wait any longer. I realised I was more scared of not having one.

I now have two amazing daughters aged 2 and 4 and although it's hard I couldn't imagine life without them

I do really worry though about the world they'll live in though, society has gone to pot over a few short decades and I feel almost sick at the thought of what things will be like when they're adults.

BertieBotts · 12/12/2017 23:02

I have always wanted children, I became a mum when I was 20.

Later on thought about it much more and even though it's been v tough at times still want more!

I like children - I work with children, they are funny and see the world in a different way. They are also v exasperating but the funny and nice bits tend to be what stick with me, so there you go (I'm probably mad.)

I like the idea of knowing a person for their whole life and being around for their formative years. It's amazing seeing their personalities develop.

I like the genetic lineage thing. It's fascinating seeing how DS is similar to me and members of my family and I want to know what DH and my children will look and act like!

TBH I don't really know what I would do with my time if I didn't have DC? Probably waste it all on the internet or sleeping. I like a challenge, it gets me going.

hellofresh · 12/12/2017 23:05

I had my first at 40. I think it was a lot to do with realising it was now or never. I'm so glad I did. I thought I wasn't maternal. I thought dcs would drive me crazy. I thought I preferred puppies to dcs. I am actually the complete opposite of that. They make me so happy. I can't begin to imagine how I managed before I had them.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 12/12/2017 23:07

I don't have any good reason to have children. The best reason is that it would make other people, eg my parents, very happy, but that doesn't seem enough. It looks like very hard work and I'm a bit of a hedonist so don't really fancy it. I feel no compelling urge to add to the overpopulated human race or to pass on my genes.

JacintaJones · 12/12/2017 23:09

Because I knew they'd be wonderful.

They are also annoying, draining me of my resources, a constant worry/consideration and quite frankly trouble.

I don't know what I'd do without them and I say that as a full time working professional.

I'm one of those people who thinks that children give your life purpose beyond your own wants and needs. Some people manage fine without this. Some don't.

Honeybooboo123 · 12/12/2017 23:09

Our dog seemed to like children so we thought she'd be happy.

I was bored of sleeping and having time to myself.

gg1234 · 12/12/2017 23:09

Decide whats best for your life .Childless or full of children ,You have just 1 life .Decide for yourself .

RosesInTheHospital · 12/12/2017 23:10

Accidental pregnancy
Couldn’t face an abortion.

Trb17 · 12/12/2017 23:10

Honestly... I missed my DD before I had her. It’s the only way I can describe it. I felt like a family member was missing before she was born. Weird but truly how I felt at the time. Perhaps just hormonal clock ticking but I’ll never forget that feeling.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 12/12/2017 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clumsyduck · 12/12/2017 23:12

I accidently got pregnant

Best thing to ever happen , I know everyone says that but it really was

Love being a mum and now I'm older and more settled I'd love another

TrojansAreSmegheads · 12/12/2017 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catkind · 12/12/2017 23:15

We were uncertain about pretty much everything except that we had love to spare to give them. And I have to admit, just a huge curiosity as to what they might turn out like. They're pretty cool so far Wink

We had very serious conversations about it being a joint endeavour and NOT my career down the pan. I don't think I'm a natural at parenting, but kids don't know that - you're the best mummy in the world to them.

cakedup · 12/12/2017 23:18

DS was unexpected. I always thought I wouldn't be able to have children due to having chemotherapy when I was younger. I got pregnant at 33, DS is 12 now and the father has not been in touch since he was 3.

It's never a good time to have kids. I don't think many of us get to a place where we think, ok, I've enough money, a good relationship, the perfect house etc. So I'm glad mine happened without planning.

I love all the usual things about having a child and find all the usual things difficult. But from a selfish perspective...
DS was the making of me in many ways. I was living a very selfish, hedonistic life, taking drugs and showing no signs of growing up. I stopped all the parties and drugs when I became pregnant, and having a child - although at times sent me round the bend - it also gave me a life long purpose. I have had mental health problems in the past and being responsible for someone else really helps with that - I know I have to try my hardest to get on with it for DS' sake.

I also wanted to lead by example. After failing at school, ending up in dead end jobs and even working cash in hand jobs, I went back to uni, got a degree and now got a job that I work hard for and love. I don't think I would have done that for myself.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 12/12/2017 23:21

If you don’t want them, don’t have them. It is no ones business but yours. I always knew I wouldn’t have my own, I do have 2DSC that I love but never had any desire to procreate & my DH definitely didn’t want more, we have a great life & I have only once been accused of being selfish by a friend.

Sashkin · 12/12/2017 23:22

I really like kids, knew I’d be a good mum (I’m responsible, caring and don’t get stressed easily - obviously I have plenty of flaws too, but luckily none that have much impact on my parenting). So yes, I did always want children.

DH was much more ambivalent even throughout all of my infertility treatments - he wanted us to have children so that I could experience being a Mum, not because he particularly wanted to be a dad. But he loves DS, is a great parent and is really thrilled to see DS develop and grow. He really enjoys bathing and feeding and playing with him, which he never imagined he would like at all.

He said to me a little while ago “babies aren’t at all what I imagined. I thought a newborn would be like a robot or a cat, but DS is a little person isn’t he?” And he is. He’s had a personality and obvious thought processes and decision-making going on since day one.

DS whinges a bit, but he doesn't scream unless he’s overtired these days (so maybe once every couple of days, for about 10mins. He’s 9mo). And you certainly don’t need to leave your job if you have kids- this isn’t the 1970s.

Insomnibrat · 12/12/2017 23:26

Great insights on this thread, from both sides.

roundaboutthetown · 12/12/2017 23:27

I always wanted children - I had a very happy childhood, so why not? Do you not find the idea of creating something that is part created out of you and part out of someone else strangely compelling?

As for those who say it is selfish to reproduce, if you were really that selfless and didn't believe we could improve things and evolve into something better and less destructive, then shouldn't you be killing yourselves now instead of continuing to contribute to the mess? Imo it's nothing to do with selfishness one way or the other. If continuing life and watching a life closely connected to you grow and develop isn't important to you, it doesn't matter - there's no law saying you must reproduce. Quite a lot of my friends remain child free.

Strokethefurrywall · 12/12/2017 23:29

Mine was total biological urge. I have always wanted kids, now have a 6 year old and 3 year old.

I would never have gone into it if I hadn't really had the urge. I totally understand that as much as its a biological urge to have them, it's also a biological urge not to.

I love my kids to the ends of the earth but I certainly understand women who don't want them and frankly commend them for acknowledging that in the face of such massive societal expectation to reproduce!

Viviennemary · 12/12/2017 23:30

I didn't want kids for quite a while. I could see they were demanding and hard work and non-stop crying and falling over. However, I got broody and did have two. And I like peace and quiet too which I didn't get. Of course I don't regret it. If you've decided not to have any then don't. But don't leave it too late and then change your mind.

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 23:31

clit

I used the word selfish about my sister as she is. She is utterly self centred and I am the one who helps care for my elderly altzimers parents.

She leads a selfish life because she’s selfish, I wasn’t meaning to infer that she was selfish because she didn’t have kids.

I know many selfish parents. I worded it wrong.

Not having children is s prefectjy sensible persona decision just as having kids is too.

GabsAlot · 12/12/2017 23:34

you houldnt hav kids coz othrs think you should

I had that for years people give up in the end

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 23:34

cakedup

Lovely post.

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