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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take a 6 month old baby to a funeral?

126 replies

Xanadu44 · 12/12/2017 10:59

Hi there my great Auntie died the other day who was such a lovely woman. I am EBF and am about to start weaning DS, she turns 6 months the day before the funeral. DH only has 1 holiday day left at work and we're moving house so I'd prefer him to take it off for that rather than the funeral/looking after DS while I go to the funeral. He only met my great Auntie once so I think this is ok. (And I know my family will) I only realised it was weird me taking my baby to the funeral when people reacted to it like "really!?!?" "Are you sure that's appropriate?" If she kicks off I will, of course, take her out and make sure she's fed before we go in. What do you think? Should I arrange for DH to look after her and go alone or go with DS and the rest of my family?

OP posts:

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 12/12/2017 12:56

Please do take your baby - to the service and especially to the gathering afterwards if there is one. Just be prepared to get up and go outside when your baby makes noise at the service.

I took my 5 month old to a family funeral. He was passed around so many relatives that day! It was a real comfort - especially for some of the older relatives - to have a baby to coo over. As someone upthread said, it's circle of life stuff. A ray of hope on a bleak day.

Also - people often don't really know what to say at a gathering after a funeral. A baby can give them something to talk about.

Lastly - lots of families don't get together that often. My more distant relatives only really get together for funerals and weddings, and there haven't been any weddings for ages (lots of people not bothering to marry). It's an opportunity for the family to meet the baby despite the sad circumstances. For those who are family minded, this does mean something.

Mumsnet is weird about this kind of stuff. Ignore the baby-haters, they're not representative IMO!

The key is not making a disturbance. And letting others have a cuddle - if your baby obliges.

Trinity66 · 12/12/2017 12:58

Yeah i think it's fine as long as you take her outside if she starts making noise

CarrotVan · 12/12/2017 13:02

My older child attended 3 funerals (elderly relatives) before he was 2. I had to take him out when he blew raspberries at the minister at one (all though said relative would have approved as she never wanted a religious funeral but her son in law arranged one anyway)

No-one (including said minister) was at all bothered and the Methodist minister at the other two funerals brought out little bags of toys and books for DS1 to have during the service

The other attendees came up to say how nice it was to have little ones at the funeral

He also attended his cousin’s funeral when he was three and made everyone laugh which was just what his cousin would have wanted.

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a funeral where there weren’t babies or small children. It’s a family event and the kids are family too

SPNWinchesterGirl · 12/12/2017 13:16

I took my DD to my grandmother's funeral when DD was 6 months. DH couldn't take the day off and we were a 4hr drive away anyway so it was either that or I didn't go. None of my family had anything bad to say (at least to my face) and were quite happy that the youngest member of the family said goodbye to the eldest. I was ready to take her out of she kicked off a fuss but she was quite happy sitting in the funeral with soft toys to chew on/slobber all over (she was at her teething stage).

I don't bat an eyelid at babies and children being at funerals. All sorts of reasons they will be (including the parents not having someone to babysit). As long as yours willing to take your child out should they kick off then it's very similar to any other event.

Tinysarah1985 · 12/12/2017 14:07

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, my nan had died suddenly (had a massive heart attack on the bus when she was visiting her other daughter in Yorkshire) and the funernal was held back in hampshire were all the other part of the family lived.
My OH works in london as a private security bloke and had no holiday as he was on a 3 month contract. I drove down from Peterborough to gosport with my 7 month old girl and 6 year old giant dog (not the same but hey, he was there). Luckly it was nighttime drive so she slept all the way and only woke up about 5 mins from my parents house. I had to take her to the funeral, sat at the back and only had to pop out once- granted it was a cremation so a very quick service.

Hatsoffdear · 12/12/2017 14:11

It’s fine. My darling mil died when my dd was 6 weeks old. We other went to her funeral and she’s named after her. If your child makes a noise you would obviously take them out. Funerals are about families. I imagine your aunty would have said yes.

Ginseng1 · 12/12/2017 14:17

Its absolutely fine! Bring her out if she gets fussy. Mine were great to bring to mass funerals etc till about 1 then they a nightmare won't sit for a minute!

Spartaca · 12/12/2017 14:22

I would, and have. In fact I read a eulogy at my grandmother's funeral with my daughter in a carrier on my front when my aunt didn't want to...no-one batted an eyelid. If she cried when I was sitting in don't remember, if she had I would have either fed her or taken her out. I've also taken a 5 and 3 yr old

RatRolyPoly · 12/12/2017 14:26

You're family, it's fine.

I think the only time I'd be a bit about it is if I was at the funeral of a relative or close friend and some barely-an-acquaintance rocked up with their millions of disinterested children and a noisy infant and sachet'ed around like we should all be truly cheered by their generous attendance. But I have never known this to happen.

I took baby ds to a family funeral, but being a close relative I wouldn't have given a toss what anyone else thought about that to be honest.

rabbitsdontlayeggs · 12/12/2017 14:31

My Grandfather died recently and I chose not to take DD to his funeral, but she is 21 months. To old to lie there quietly or sleep and too young to understand how to behave appropriately/not shout loudly and laugh or clap because we're in an echoey church at a solemn and sad occasion.

I'd have taken her at six months though. Wouldn't even have thought about it.

MothButterfly · 12/12/2017 14:38

I've taken both my children as young babies and toddlers to funerals. I've made sure I can exit quickly if possible and breastfeed if necessary. they have been no problem at all and guests / mourners have enjoyed having them there. circle of life and all that? If you feel it would work for you and the situation, do it.

Igneococcus · 12/12/2017 14:40

I took ds to my father's funeral when he was 10 month old. It wouldn't even have occured to me or anybody of my family not to. Funeral wasn't in the UK though if that makes a difference.

apostropheuse · 12/12/2017 14:50

I think it's fine to take your baby to the funeral of an older person. What really did upset me, in fact infuriate me, was when someone brought a small baby to the funeral of my full-term stillborn granddaughter. That was entirely inappropriate and insensitive.

RatRolyPoly · 12/12/2017 14:54

Oh jeez apostro, that really is low

LynetteScavo · 12/12/2017 16:09

I absolutely would. I've taken all of my DC to family funerals. As babies they seemed to pick up in the atmosphere and be perfectly behaved.

Not only did holding a baby give me something to do with my hands, it's a great conversation starter with people you haven't seen for years.

Pinky14 · 12/12/2017 18:09

At my mums funeral my friend bought her baby.My mum would have loved that it was perfectly behaved and if it had started crying I’m sure my friend would have snuck out. I don’t see the problem x

NoodieRoodie · 12/12/2017 20:50

Iamagreyhound DS didn't make any noise throughout as he sat on DMs knee. The pain part refers to the sheer unpredictability of under 2's who have been in the car for nearly 2 hours and then are expected to sit quietly rather than social with everyone. Anyone I could have left him with was there and if he had have started making noise DH would have removed him. When DHs DGPs died within a couple of months of each other I had the luxury of leaving the children with my DM for the funerals as they were both under 3 and I didn't think they would be able to sit through a long church service without being disruptive.

BertrandRussell · 12/12/2017 21:03

My ds was a baby at his grandad's funeral. Dp was holding him when he did a reading- people still talk about how lovely it was.

milliemolliemou · 12/12/2017 21:43

Just go and as PPs have said - sit at the back and whisk the DC out at first whimper. Why isn't it appropriate? If you're concerned, talk to the organisers. I'm sure your GA would have been delighted.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/12/2017 21:48

Yes of course

Sit in the back row and be ready to take her out if she makes a noise xx

knowsnowt · 12/12/2017 21:59

I took my 2 week old to my great aunties funeral. It was DHs first day back at work so this was our first solo outing. We sat near the back just in case but she slept throughout x

Original poster

Xanadu44 · 12/12/2017 22:58

Thanks everyone! It's an overwhelming yes then! Phew! Also DD is really good generally (famous last words) and I will definitely take her out at the slightest disturbance plus I will take note of the exit/entrance and the best place to sit before it all starts as advised by many of you. Thank you very much for your tips, your kind words and also your encouragement! It really means a lot! Xx

OP posts:

Nelliesmummy · 12/12/2017 23:10

My great aunt passed away in June and my little girl was only about 6 weeks old and all mine and my other halfs family went off the rails telling me that it was wrong but none of them actually understood that I couldn't and still can't leave my daughter for long. Do what you need to Do, your child won't know any different and others at the funeral won't actually be that fussed if your child is there or not.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 12/12/2017 23:37

Sorry for your loss Xanadu. It seems like a nice tribute to your great for her great-great nephew to attend her funeral.

It wouldn't have occurred to me that it's inappropriate to bring a baby to a funeral* because you know, they are people too.

*except in the case where the deceased is an infant, but even then it wouldn't be an automatic no, it would depend on the family.

Jakeyboy1 · 12/12/2017 23:39

I went to a funeral where my friend bought her baby. It proved a great talking point and welcome distraction to the mourners they were so welcoming to the baby and mum. Hopefully same for you!

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