To take a 6 month old baby to a funeral?

[Xanadu44]

Hi there my great Auntie died the other day who was such a lovely woman. I am EBF and am about to start weaning DS, she turns 6 months the day before the funeral. DH only has 1 holiday day left at work and we're moving house so I'd prefer him to take it off for that rather than the funeral/looking after DS while I go to the funeral. He only met my great Auntie once so I think this is ok. (And I know my family will) I only realised it was weird me taking my baby to the funeral when people reacted to it like "really!?!?" "Are you sure that's appropriate?" If she kicks off I will, of course, take her out and make sure she's fed before we go in. What do you think? Should I arrange for DH to look after her and go alone or go with DS and the rest of my family?

I assume Vivienne wouldn't mind the presence of a silent non-disruptive baby? The problem is it can't be guaranteed.

I'd rather a baby than a toddler to be honest. There's virtually no chance a toddler will sit there good as gold, whereas there's a pretty good chance a baby will just sleep.

I took ds2 to my husbands grandad funeural. I think he was about 4 months old. He got a bit grizzly so I fed him and he was quiet. Not a problem.

I left the toddler with my mum.

I would. At 6 months, if I'd timed it right and got in a good feed before the service, all of mine would have almost certainly slept right through it in the sling anyway. And as you're fully prepared to go out if the baby creates a disturbance, I don't see a problem with it at all.

I'd definitely take a baby, they're good tonic for grief.

I don't see any issue. I've never understood why children are kept away from funerals here. The circle of life & all that.

It can also we a welcome distraction with a wee gurgling baby

Sorry for your loss x

I think it's ok to take him along, but (and it's a BIG BUT) TAKE HIM OUT IF HE SO MUCH AS MAKES A TINY NOISE.

People who promise to remove a baby if they cry and don't are the reason children don't get invited to weddings/funerals etc. I honestly couldn't count the number of times I've missed vows/important parts of a ceremony because a baby is making those preliminary little cries that precede full crying, which YES, stop me hearing the vicar and couple concerned! The parents always (noisily and futilely) shush them, until finally the crying starts, then take them to the back, which because there is no magical sound barrier, doesn't change a damn thing.

The baby is tiny and doesn't care, but the adults around them very much do. So go if you want to, but please sit at the end of a pew near the back, and the minute your DS so much as snuffles, whisk him outside.

If you do this, you will be part of a greater movement of meaning parents can actually be trusted to take their children out in future.

I think I would object to the presence of any small child or baby at a funeral. I don't mean object by saying something but I'd simply think the child shouldn't be there. But everyone is different. If I thought the family actually wanted a baby there then I might take it. I wouldn't take a toddler though who might be aware of what is going on. And if people think that a child wouldn't be welcome then I don't think people should take them.

My 2 month old dd came with me to my grandmother's funeral and her sister came with us to dh's grandfathers funeral when she was about 9 months. Either you or someone else sit at the back with them and anything more than a quiet babble you leave.

Ds went to his granny's funeral as a toddler of about 18 months (DH and DFiL wanted him there). I whisked him out when he wiggled too much, but he was a great comfort to his grandad and to a great many people there, so that's why he went.

See what your family thinks and if they're happy, that's all there should be to it. Just be prepared to whisk her out if she gets upset.

I really don't think it is up to the child's mother to "decide" the baby will be the perfect distraction.

My uncle died 2 days after DD was born and she was a week old at the funeral. It was a very small close family affair and to be honest everyone was thrilled to see her. I think in our case although it was sad, his death had long been expected. DS who was nearly 2 was far more of a pain but thankfully the service was short!

i think it's absolutely fine. My DS went to two different funerals before he reached 9 months old. One of those was a full requiem mass, the other was at the crematorium chapel. I sat at the back for both services and would have taken him out if he'd made a sound - which he didn't.

YABU. There was a child screaming at the front of the line of mourners at my Dad's funeral. My Mum didn't want children there and it was most inappropriate. Organise childcare.

Tami g babies to the wake is good. But if you take them to the funeral they've actually started to kick off and disturb before you take them out. What's the 'circle of life' got to with mourners being disturbed/distracted at important moments?

Your 2 year old was a "pain" during the service, Noodie, yet you just sat there? That's the scenario people are envisaging when they advise against taking kids. There's always one who couldn't give a toss about the disruption they cause.

I would take the baby, and not worry about it.
My dd took Gds, a bit younger and EBF, , to the funeral of a very close family friend. It was fine. She was prepared to take him out if he started wailing, , but he didn't. This was in a village church. She had him 'plugged in' for most of the service.

TBH I think most people - and there were a lot - were happy to see a baby there - a sign that life goes on, and all that. Nobody tutted, at least not that we were ever aware of.
Gds got a lot of fuss at the wake too - in the village pub!

I've missed a few funerals in the family due to having young babies - it was more or less expected that I'd stay away. But I did meet up with everyone after, so I still felt that I'd shown my respects. I'm not comfortable at all with babies/young children at funerals.

I would ask the main mourners of the family - it's better to ask than cause massive offence on the day. Older generations are sometimes much more focused on funeral etiquette.

I took DD to my grandmother's funeral when she, (DD), was three weeks old. She cried, DH took her out, it was fine.

If I were in your situation, I'd go, sit near the back, and leave if necessary.

In my experience of funerals (especially funerals of people who've lived until a ripe old age) the hope and cheer of a baby is a welcome relief.

I think it's unusual for children not to go to funerals TBH. But I'm from an Irish Catholic background (though come from London) where it's common. My nieces and nephews all went to my Mum's, the youngest was 9 months.

When my MIL died a year ago, (Northern Irish Catholic) her body was kept in the living room. My husband's cousin's young children came in and went straight to view the body. They were both primary school age, and weren't in the slightest bit traumatised.

I think a small baby can help the situation in a way. It distracts people from their grief, and reminds people that life goes on and gives hope for the future.

I personally like babies, very much. I am aware this makes me a bad feminist and they aren't very interesting but they are warm, make cute squeaky noises and are cuddly. All good.

But I wouldn't have appreciated someone assuming that the perfect cure for my grief at either of my parents' funeral was someone else's undoubtedly lovely baby. In fact, it would have upset me at my dad's in particular to think of the grandchildren he would never get to hold (was a bit young at my mother's to be a consideration.)

It's a bit arrogant to assume your children, lovely as they doubtless are, are the cure-all for someone else's pain. Take them by all means but let the mourners mourn.

I think that's absolutely fine. We took our 2 year old to her great grandfather's funeral. It was an otherwise heavy day and people were actually really grateful to have a distraction and everyone really enjoyed playing with her at the wake. Just sit on the aisle in the back so you can quietly get up and make an exit if you need to as you want to respect other people's need for quiet and solitude.

Unless there is a much closer relative to the deceased who you know will or think is very likely to object, I would absolutely take the baby. You sound very considerate and I’m another who finds small children rather comforting at wakes.