To be shocked at teacher telling DD to 'hold in' period.

[yaela123]

DD is 15 and her school have a no going to the toilet during lesson time rule, which I completely agree with on the whole as I know how disruptive it can be if people are constantly in and out, and how everyone just uses it as an excuse to bunk off (I am a teacher too - very different environment though)

Only exception is if you have a medical note from a doctor.

Today in one of her lessons DD says she could feel that she really needed to change her pad, she was getting quite worried about it leaking. She eventually asked the (male) teacher if she could go to the loo.

Teacher: No, you know the rules
DD: I really need it.
Teacher: What did I just say?
DD: It's a girl problem...
Teacher: What do you mean?
DD: Umm... I'm on my period
Teacher: Break is only in half an hour, hold it in til then

Obviously those aren't the exact words said but she says it's pretty accurate.
DD is quite shy so did just wait til break (no leakage btw).

She doesn't seem overly bothered but AIBU to be pretty shocked at him telling her to hold it in? Surely even men have some basic idea that it doesn't work like that?

Absolutely agree with what green has just typed.

I support teachers 100% as its a difficult job with very little thanks.
But there does appear to be no middle ground between considered being 'that parent' and supporting school 100%.

I've had to challenge the schools position in something recently. Something which I felt was genuinely unfair. It is a case where a teachers personal opinion of ds (which she is absolutely entitled to!) has been allowed to cloud her professional judgement.
The school can see me as 'that parent' all they want. But the fact the only subject ds has negative behaviour points in is hers and the fact he's gone from exceeding progress expectations to below pretty much tells its own story without personal opinions being banded about!

If they are reasonable then they should never feel worried about speaking up. If there are genuine concerns then it needs saying.
In my experience probably shouldn't say that in case i get told off people who are worried about being seen as awkward will probably never be seen as awkward or rude because they are the type of person who is polite and self-aware.

The type of people who are rude and awkward are usually the ones who think nothing of kicking off over nothing and are generally a pain in the backside.

But there does appear to be no middle ground between considered being 'that parent' and supporting school 100%.
Sorry you feel that way.
I've tended to find there is a massive middle ground where parents and teachers get on, respect each othet and work together in the best interests of the child.

I've known situations where staff have seemed to target particular students (like your situation).
Equally, i've seen students in my tutor group who only get behaviour points from one teacher and it's because they've decided not to behave for sir.

The main thing is to be able to talk about things reasonably without flying off the handle. That way things get resolved.

I certainly don't fly off the handle. I originally rang the teacher direct and opened with "I'd like to hear your opinions of what is happening here and how we can help ds and improve things".

Wasn't exactly a productive conversation when the answer was (paraphrased) "ds doesn't write legibly, doesn't engage with his peers well often annoying them and not picking up when he's doing so, lacking concentration, yes, he has run out of lessons sobbing and yes the reasons he's given you are what he's given me - he's right that I' question his version of events and don't think they happened that way - but no, as your asking, I didn't witness what happened, first I knew was hearing the door slam as ds ran out sobbing"

Not great in itself - pretty terrible when we are talking about a child with ASD, sensory motor difficulties exacerbated by spasticity in his muscles which have cause his arms to contract.
Oh - and who has an EHCP!

youarenotkiddingme
You sound reasonable to me.
There's clearly what seems like a potentially serious issue gone on.
You've called up politely to find out what's gone on. Supported the school's behaviour policy even if you personally wouldn't have dealt with it that way (teachers have to do this too for things).
When it's clear that it's not being dealt with appropriately, you went to thr next person up and assertively put your point across stating you support the teacher up to X point but for the following reasons you are unhappy about Y.

At that point the HOD will probably go and speak to the teacher and they'll realose they didn't give the dates, it will be dealt with and it goes back to the original arrangement.

To be honest, nothing in that sounds 'that parenty' to me at all.

I am quite amazed at the number of women who don’t realise that some other women have different periods to them. Flooding is just that, it’s not just leaving sanitary products too long between changes, it’s a sudden gush causing a leak or filling the product all at once.

I admit to have only skimmed through the thread, reading only the OP's highlighted posts (as we can, when we don't have time to RTFT, in case anyone missed that memo).

I think you would be better off buying a good book explaining periods for the teacher. It might be cheaper than a doctors letter and might make him understand for the future why a girl should not be asked to 'hold her period in'. Then give it to the person above him, with a letter explaining why! It will not be easy to pump into this idiot and you will need support from his superiors!

I would complain. Just because some girls may use it as an excuse is no reason to humiliate the many girls who may randomly flood or generally have very heavy periods.

I sometimes flood if I sneeze or cough, or try to move quickly. It's always been like that. Despite being told the same bullshit as I was at school about "spotting" to start with, DD had heavy period days right from the first.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing to the school, but I would definitely speak to a head of year or head of pastoral about possible inappropriate application of rules.

I do remember particular day of the week I used to struggle to get through my maths lesson following registration, due to not being able to visit the toilet.
I've had flooding before at work where I've changed my (super plus extra) tampon, walked back to my desk and a few minutes later been leaking badly. It does happen to some women and girls.

I don't normally leak, but it has happened before, out of the blue. That dreaded damp feeling. How are you supposed to hold it in? If the flow is heavy enough, no amount of pelvic floor exercises will help to keep it in, (PFE not something I can imagine most teenagers doing anyway).

Let's hope this thread has raised some much needed but surprising awareness!
I have never had a teacher refuse me or my dcs a visit to the loo (ds has a toilet pass) and the numerous toilet threads on Mumsnet with teachers refusing have lead me to give my support to my kids that if they really need to go, then they should just go - we will deal with consequences later but the school consequences will never be as bad as soiling yourself!
My dcs don't want to leave class except for a good reason, they work hard - I trust them, I know according to MN and teachers I shouldn't because they are apparently all liars but I do! I have their back!

I was 14 when I started my periods. At 15 they were still all over the place. I got sent home a couple of times (once they settled down they’ve not been problematic at all). I really think adults need to show a bit of flexibility with adolescent girls.

...and FWIW I’m perimenopausal now and having that same unpredictably. It would be awful if I couldn’t go to the loo when I needed to.

I still regret not reporting the way the Headteacher treated a child with ASD at my dc’s first school, my friend witnessed it too but from my pint of view I had complained about so many incidents with my Ds, I felt like I had become that parent” and I let that child down and it still haunts me. It was a very badly run school, despite Ofsted approval, the teachers were out of control - I removed my kids, many parents approached me afterwards looking for reassurance that their gut feel about the school was right, and many other left - they also worried about being “that parent” so they said nothing!

Interesting how many people who’ve never experienced heavy periods must be right based on their own limited, subjective experience.

It is, @ObsessiveWitch. It's like all these people moaning about heat, I'm cold most of the time, they must be faking it.

Way too much to read but I'd suggest a mooncup for her and reeducation for him

It is ObsessiveWitch. I’m always cold too paxilin, pesky liars all of them.

I do not think a mooncup is a practical solution for a girl in secondary school using the loos only when all the other girls could possibly be using them. You have to leave the cubicle to rinse out your mooncup and then get back to reinsert it. If the girls can only go between classes or at lunch there is a chance that she would be left waiting for a cubicle to open up, leaking in the meantime. Plus, there is a loss of privacy involved in rinsing the mooncup at the sink.

My dcs don't want to leave class except for a good reason, they work hard - I trust them, I know according to MN and teachers I shouldn't because they are apparently all liars but I do! I have their back!
Sigh. For the millionth time, it's not about saying every kid is a liar.

When people advise not taking everything as a given & to avoid just going in all guns blazing because 'my child would never lie' it's because people in general can lie or at least their version abd what they focus on is different to the whole picture.
I've has perfectly nice chats with nice students where they have insisted they got a lunch detention for 'just going to sharpen their pencil' but actually that was the trigger point for the detention because sir has already spoken to them multiple times or, 'i only asked to borrow a pen and got in trouble', vs been talking all lesson abd asked to borrow a pen when the teacher was talking.

Both situations were perfectly nice students but when they spoke to me (i'm their form tutor) they felt very hard done to because in their eyes it was totally unfair and it after speaking to them they realised that it was a chain of events leading up to that point.

It's why when I talk to my form and thry are annoyed at what Miss/Sir has sanctioned, my first question is 'ok. You seem annoyed by the sanction. Were you meeting expectations the rest of thr lesson? How was the lesson before that point?'

If a parent had called up saying 'but my child doesn't lie and i don't care if I'm that parent because they are not attending the detention because I kniw my child and have their back' then the child just gets told that if they go home and complain then mum kicks off.
Whereas if home called and said 'hi Mrs Pops, Charlotte seems to have had an issue in IT. Do you know about it?' Or 'Hi Geography Teacher, Daniel has a detention with you can he says it was for only sharpening his pencil. Can you talk me through what happened please?' Then they have raised concern, but are open to thr fact that even nice people can offer a partial pictute.

I find it odd that some parents think their child is some kind of angel who would never do anything wrong or tell a partial story etc. The reality is they are human and that can be true of everyone.

I've has perfectly nice chats with nice students where they have insisted they got a lunch detention for 'just going to sharpen their pencil' but actually that was the trigger point for the detention because sir has already spoken to them multiple times or, 'i only asked to borrow a pen and got in trouble', vs been talking all lesson abd asked to borrow a pen when the teacher was talking. I would say the teacher is failing to communicate the reason for the detention, which is a basic when trying to correct behaviour - there is no chance of this working if the student has to think has as to why they got it - the teacher needs feedback in this case.

greenhairymonster
It was on the detention letter very clearly and the teacher had explained (which the students accepted)
It's just teenagers, even lovely ones, can be indignant and moody when they are busy feeling hard done to (however reasonabke the adult in the situation is - parents of teens will know this ) so go away being all chewrd up when they leave thr lesson together all discussing why sir is awful/unfair. You get mini group think.

Sometimes, teens need to discuss it later with either the same adult or a different trusted adult who can talk them through it. It's why I would like it if instead of kicking off about detentions, parents said 'right and were you meeting expectations throughout the lesson? Did the teacher have to speak to you before?' Because actually at that point a lot if kids will be truthful.
Much better than 'my child says... thry aren't doing it'

Sigh. For the millionth time, it's not about saying every kid is a liar.

Actually, MaisyPops, your whole post is about how parents should take everything their child says about what happened in school with a nice big dollop of salt.

Do all the teachers/posters on this thread defending such crap behavior from teachers also expect a pupil to hold in diarrhea?

I am sure all students in the classroom would love to deal with a bloody/poopy mess