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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at teacher telling DD to 'hold in' period.

727 replies

yaela123 · 11/12/2017 18:41

DD is 15 and her school have a no going to the toilet during lesson time rule, which I completely agree with on the whole as I know how disruptive it can be if people are constantly in and out, and how everyone just uses it as an excuse to bunk off (I am a teacher too - very different environment though)

Only exception is if you have a medical note from a doctor.

Today in one of her lessons DD says she could feel that she really needed to change her pad, she was getting quite worried about it leaking. She eventually asked the (male) teacher if she could go to the loo.

Teacher: No, you know the rules
DD: I really need it.
Teacher: What did I just say?
DD: It's a girl problem...
Teacher: What do you mean?
DD: Umm... I'm on my period
Teacher: Break is only in half an hour, hold it in til then

Obviously those aren't the exact words said but she says it's pretty accurate.
DD is quite shy so did just wait til break (no leakage btw).

She doesn't seem overly bothered but AIBU to be pretty shocked at him telling her to hold it in? Surely even men have some basic idea that it doesn't work like that?

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 13/12/2017 19:21

Can’t wear tampons, they are full within minutes and leak through pad too. Have to wear night pads for day time.

This is my life too. Roll on the menopause.

Originalfoogirl · 13/12/2017 19:21

I will never be ashamed of being that parent.

Me neither.

MaisyPops · 13/12/2017 19:29

I will never be ashamed of being that parent
You should be.
Those parents are rude, confrontational, undermine the school and hinder school at every point.

I have no time for 'those parents'.

I have all the time in the world for parents who wish to raise issues, have concerns about their child's education, need to talk about a situation where a teacher has messed up... as long as they are polite and reasonable.

Originalfoogirl · 13/12/2017 19:33

maisypops

Complaining on your terms? Using your rules? With your judgements? I guess you are happy to be “that teacher”

Most i’ve dealt with understand it’s not always possible to be calm and “reasonable” when your kid comes home for the third time in a week having been subjected to degrading treatment at the hands of staff.

CosmicCanary · 13/12/2017 19:34

Mmmm how polite did you expect me to be when the actions of the teachers caused my son to start self harming again?

MaisyPops · 13/12/2017 19:38

Originalfoogirl
Complaining in a way that is reasonable and appropriate.
I find it a reasonable approach to raising issues in all areas of life.

It is possible to be firm and polite.

Should a situation escalate then it would be more than reasonable to be firmer and more animated. If, like in your situation, nothing was done and you needed to be particularly assertive then that is reasonable for the situation and the circumstances. Context is everything.

Overthehillsandfaraway8 · 13/12/2017 19:39

Totally humiliating for her to have to tell a male teacher why she wanted to go to the loo. Girls do use the 'I'm on my period' all the time at school to get out of things but this is completely unacceptable.

RidingWindhorses · 13/12/2017 19:40

Why does Maisy take over threads and talk about herself.

Originalfoogirl · 13/12/2017 19:42

It is possible to be firm and polite.
It is also possible to have human emotions which get in the way.

As I said, if you are happy to be “that teacher” you carry on.

CandiedPeach · 13/12/2017 19:44

He was being unreasonable and his comment was so wrong. I’d get in touch with the head of year, ask what the policy is on bathroom breaks/times and what procedure is in place for emergency use.

I admit I had a natural rebellion to stupid school rules (despite being a good student with 100% attendance and actully enjoying school). But having to ask if I can remove my blazer when I’m too hot or if I can have a drink of water and of course if I can use the loo. Those things never sat right with me.
I always took the position of asking, if I was refused I’d say “I really need to” if I was still refused, I’d say “sorry but it’s a matter of personal comfort/hygiene/need” (depending on what I was asking). Then I’d do it regardless.

MaisyPops · 13/12/2017 19:50

RidingWindhorses
Someone asked about a situation and their feelings on teachers.
I answered the best i could (using my experiences)
They said thank you.
Others have replied.
Or are you the thread police?

Originalfoogirl
I know i am not that teacher so the view of strangers means nothing

CandiedPeach
I agree. It is worth a chat with the head of year.
You're right about some of the other rules. They are silly.
Most things in schools would be better with a spot of common sense on all sides. Smile

Lizzie48 · 13/12/2017 19:57

It is possible to be firm and polite.
It is also possible to have human emotions which get in the way.

This. Please accept that parents won't necessarily be objective when we're speaking up for our children. But that's because it's hard when our child is struggling and we don't feel that they're getting the help they need. If that makes me 'that parent' then so be it.

There's never any call for rudeness though.

MaisyPops · 13/12/2017 20:01

This. Please accept that parents won't necessarily be objective when we're speaking up for our children. But that's because it's hard when our child is struggling and we don't feel that they're getting the help they need. If that makes me 'that parent' then so be it.
Showing emotion doesn't make someone that parent.Disagreeing or needing to complain doesn't make someone that parent.
'That parent' is people who are rude, obnoxious, undermine school etc.
There's never any call for rudeness though.
This ^^
And the rudeness is the defining feature of those parents.

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/12/2017 20:04

@MaisyPops why are you assuming that anyone on this thread who has said "speak to the teacher" would be rude and confrontational?

Ioosewoman · 13/12/2017 20:04

Angrypoor girl, I had the pissing out with blood all of a sudden problem when I was a teenager. It was horrific and so embarrassing when I was 13. I settled down in adulthood with the combination of drugs and coils but I still remember the bubbling feeling that brought me out in a cold sweat. I also remember the teasing I got when I leaked after 20 mins.

Please tell her to ignore the idiots in these cases and go and sort the problem. As a mum I would have a quiet word to educate the male teacher about the impossibility of holding it in for future reference.

Thanksto your daughter, it's horrible and it might be worth having a chat with the doc about things that can help

rozes · 13/12/2017 20:11

I’ve definitely had periods that gush out with no warning. Reading some of the comments on here some people are lucky not to have ever had this happen to them. I’ve leaked in adulthood a lot as a result. It can go one month to the next with heavy or light flows so it is always unexpected.
I probably wouldn’t complain but I would suggest dd finds a way to manage it.
As an adult i still have heavy periods but if I’m in a client meeting I couldn’t change my pad mid meeting. Now I’ll either wear tampon and pad or two pads so as not to leak. I’ve also had to do speeches for hours and again, it’s unlikely it would go down well if I suddenly went to the loo for a long time. If your dd learns to cope now life will offer more opportunities in the long term.

greenhairymonster · 13/12/2017 20:12

MaisyPops I often get the feeling from your responses (across MN) that you have passion and compassion in teaching and you are fair....it's just sometimes on thread like these you come across like an unfeeling hard nut, like you are trying not to smile until Christmas.

MaisyPops · 13/12/2017 20:15

assassinated
Speaking to the teacher would be reasonable. In fact, I think what needs to happen is the OP speaks to the head of year about the school policy, what level of discretion staff have and to establish if a toilet pass can be issued. All of that would be entirely reasonable.

Stupid pointless comments like I think you should give him a biology lesson, accusing him of all sorts and other ridiculous comments are indicative of the sort of rudeness that's really quite unhelpful when someone needs advice,

CosmicCanary · 13/12/2017 20:18

Maisy you are NOT the teacher of this thread.

Stop telling posters how to reply. I am sure the OP can filter out the sarcastic posts and will not use them in her chat to the school.

FuckCalmRhageOn · 13/12/2017 20:23

OP- did you send an email/ get a reply?

greenhairymonster · 13/12/2017 20:26

I think you should give him a biology lesson - to be fair the holding it in is a really stupid comment - male teacher can hold in his urine and his faeces, so he extrapolates - why can't a 15 year old hold in her menstrual blood - he's an idiot - someone does need to educate him about the female bodily functions - maybe his line manager should but he does need to be told/educated.

IsaSchmisa · 13/12/2017 20:28

If he's talking about holding menstrual blood in, it's just as reasonable to assume he needs a biology lesson as to assume he doesn't because he must have been joking, or something.

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/12/2017 20:31

Yes, this teacher really does need to understand some basic human biology in order to not make this mistake again. It's entirely reasonable for the parent of this child to ask that the teacher be spoken to about this comment. If it was a mistaken use of an inappropriate phrase in the stress of the moment then I'm sure the teacher's line manager can establish that.

MaisyPops · 13/12/2017 20:34

greenhairymonster
I do genuinely care. You're right.
Not unfeeling though, just I think I'm just all too aware how a situation with a perfectly logical next step can get whipped up into something overly dramatic (in part because a bit like someone else said on relationships the other day, people love the drama and like stirring it in others lives).

I worry a little when people dish out advice that's not that helpful or try to whip up the OP into being more angry etc than is needed as it can lead to people storming into school feeling egged on by others and it makes dealing with a situation more difficult than it needs to be.

In this situation, the teacher has obviously been crap with wording and it is worth talking to the head of year about school policy. All that is required is a sensible chat and some reassurances or arrangemebt where should their DC have an issue she can go.

greenhairymonster · 13/12/2017 21:37

The thing is some people are put off defending their kids because they don't want to be seem as someone causing trouble, asking awkward questions, when that is exactly what parents should do when they have a concern that's what draws out abuse of all kinds, on all levels - people need to feel they have the right to talk, too many people have had the power and they have managed to shut up too many people for too long!

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