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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at teacher telling DD to 'hold in' period.

727 replies

yaela123 · 11/12/2017 18:41

DD is 15 and her school have a no going to the toilet during lesson time rule, which I completely agree with on the whole as I know how disruptive it can be if people are constantly in and out, and how everyone just uses it as an excuse to bunk off (I am a teacher too - very different environment though)

Only exception is if you have a medical note from a doctor.

Today in one of her lessons DD says she could feel that she really needed to change her pad, she was getting quite worried about it leaking. She eventually asked the (male) teacher if she could go to the loo.

Teacher: No, you know the rules
DD: I really need it.
Teacher: What did I just say?
DD: It's a girl problem...
Teacher: What do you mean?
DD: Umm... I'm on my period
Teacher: Break is only in half an hour, hold it in til then

Obviously those aren't the exact words said but she says it's pretty accurate.
DD is quite shy so did just wait til break (no leakage btw).

She doesn't seem overly bothered but AIBU to be pretty shocked at him telling her to hold it in? Surely even men have some basic idea that it doesn't work like that?

OP posts:
Ellendegeneres · 11/12/2017 22:44

Adding to the bloody chorus, I suffered terribly as a teen- but I was bullied so scared to ask for the loo- plus, they were locked unless break or lunch, and by the time you went to the office and got halfway round the school to the bathroom (only one set in whole building) you'd leaked. Not to mention how badly lit and maintained they were, out of about 10 toilets, you could use 3, and they were horrifically filthy, smelly and you could barely see. I left 15years ago, so it's not like the dark ages either ☹️
The couple of occasions I did, it was too late and I'd leaked. But you had to clean up and spray and hope nobody noticed- school would make you stay even if you were bloodstained through your skirt. And the gates were padlocked so you couldn't leave.
Fuck was I glad to get out of there.

PinkAvocado · 11/12/2017 22:45

Rabbit- I am a teacher and as well as trusting teachers know their stuff, I accept that I am just a teacher not a medical professional, not a mind reader and not someone who will risk a pupil’s embarrassment and discomfort for the sake of ... well of what?! To show them I’m boss? To not be made a fool of? To avoid ‘embarrassing’ mentruation talk?

catkind · 11/12/2017 22:45

If they are stuck and asking politely hasn't worked then yes I'd advise them to walk out and take the sanction. I doubt the sanction is as bad as blood soaked clothes. (My kids are sufficiently law abiding that this fact probably wouldn't occur to them unless pointed out.)

stitchglitched · 11/12/2017 22:46

I wouldn't be trusting the judgement of any teacher who thinks you can hold your period in til breaktime.

RidingWindhorses · 11/12/2017 22:50

Trust me. And all other teachers telling you the same thing

The teachers aren't all telling us the same thing. I trust the sensible ones and don't trust the weird ones.

Dilligaf81 · 11/12/2017 22:54

Looks he'll she's 15 so people saying use your pelvic floor to hold it in or half an hour won't make a difference. Have some common sense and compassion. I also have flooding so can't always tell how long between changes. This teacher needs educating in biology and I couldnt care less if girls use it as an excuse. Op is only concerned with her daughter and she wasn't lieing so this definitely needs complaining about.

rabbitwoman · 11/12/2017 23:03

shrugs

I am happy with the way I deal with things. Perhaps differently from you, avocado, but not necessarily wrong. Just different.

EmpressoftheMundane · 11/12/2017 23:06

Seems there are two kinds of posters here, those with light easy periods and those who gush. Could those with light periods please believe those who talk of gushing and uneven flow? Or is it some sort of superiority where those who aren't so lucky should be made to suffer shame and humiliation?

As to the idea that one can "hold in a period," this is just ridiculous. I don't think you have much of one if you believe this. And you aren't helping anyone to encourage this idea. If we could all "hold it in" why buy sanipro, moon cups, etc?

PinkAvocado · 11/12/2017 23:10

I think choosing to ignore a person’s reasonable request to go to the loo is wrong. Teacher or not.

rabbitwoman · 11/12/2017 23:51

When my school introduces a policy to allow any student who asks to go to the loo to leave the classroom I will follow it. It will be carnage, but I will follow it. However, my school has a policy of NOT allowing any student who asks to leave the classroom, unless in an emergency, so I follow that policy.

This is a policy that's been introduced and implemented for a good reason. As I don't actually spend my breaks mopping up wee, poop or menstrual blood from the classroom, i can see that it is a reasonable policy. If any huge problems ever arose from that policy, I am sure it would be changed. But actually, there's nothing wrong with it.

PinkAvocado · 11/12/2017 23:55

So basically waiting until something goes wrong for someone instead of reasonably seeing that a course of action could result in embarrassment. Poor pupils.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2017 00:21

You don't see any huge problems.
You don't see the anxiety, the reduced concentration as girls wonder if they will make it to the end of the class.

Ergo, no problem.

Hmm
ginplease8383 · 12/12/2017 00:28

The cheeky teen in me would have said ‘ok if you want puddles of blood on your classroom seats, me going home to change and everyone’s wondering why you didn’t just let me pop to the loo that’s up to you’ or id have gone up to him and waved a pack of pads at him. I wish I was as confident now!!!

TheJunctionBaby · 12/12/2017 00:32

rabbitwoman Hmm

If it weren't for the poor kid that'd be embarrassed, I'd hope that one day you do get the pleasure of mopping up bodily fluids.

WhatALoadOfBaubles · 12/12/2017 00:44

Rabbit appears to be another one of the "it's never happened to me, so it's never happened" persuasion that is so depressingly apparent on this thread.
Plenty of PPs have related their stories of leaking and menstrual embarrassment in school; possibly quite a few of your pupils have had leaks. But as leaks don't often result in actual huge pools of blood, but rather a smear on a dark plastic seat that will quickly dry and may not be easily spotted (do you ever look at your chairs? No, didn't think so), then perhaps there have been scores of girls that have had problems in your class. They're not going to jump up and down and shout "Miss Miss I've leaked blood over the seat" after the event, they'll just slink out quietly, feeling uncomfortable, mortified and hoping no one noticed.

DeleteOrDecay · 12/12/2017 00:49

Hold it in??? I'd be complaining for that alone. Totally unacceptable and downright ignorant.

PumpkinSquash · 12/12/2017 00:57

Not read all the replies, and as a mum to 2 DS's, not a problem I deal with.
However, as a female, how the F**K do you "hold it in?!" Confused
It's not the same as wee. It just comes out when it wants!
In my earlier days, I'd be more understanding of the mindset it can be controlled. As I've got older (I'm 40, not ancient lol) I accept that it can go from being all fine and then half an hour later KABOOM and you need to go to the loo right now. People are different!
Definitely would be saying something in your case, and I'm not usually a complainer.

Ollivander84 · 12/12/2017 01:02

I honestly didn't realise quite how different periods were for people. If I have had a pad on overnight, when I get up in the morning there will be nothing and the minute I stand up I have to hold the pad and run the 8ft to the toilet or I will flood everywhere including through pjs and down legs
Same with standing up. But I can't tell when it's going to be like that or when it will be ok, every month is different
As a teenager I wore two pads and two pairs of knickers to try and avoid leaking Sad

sashh · 12/12/2017 06:47

Unless DD has just started her periods then she must have some idea of how long she needs to go between pad changes ... so she really should have gone before the lesson.

It's not unusual for lessons to be 1.5 or 2 hours these days. As a teen I would bleed through a tampon and a pad in that time. I had to change every hour at least, sometimes there would be flooding or clots.

Letter to school OP.

MaisyPops · 12/12/2017 06:51

They're saying that if their child has asked and been refused and they really really need to go then they should just go
But they can't say 'walk out ahd school will do nothing'. They simply can't because school will do something (otherwise they'd have kids walking out as and when).

If they want to tell child that then fine.
However they cannot say to people on the internet 'school won't do anything'.

That's my point. People dish all kinds of crap advice out on what schools will/won't do or can/can't do (and lots of it is total bollocks).

RavingRoo · 12/12/2017 06:56

Unless your dd has form for disrupting lessons then yanbu. It’s quite possible to drench yourself in 30mins even without regularly heavy periods or any problems like endo- at a similar age I once flooded a tampon and three pads, and bled all over my seat to the point where the ambulance had to be called.

laudanum · 12/12/2017 07:02

What a fucking 🔔🔚

Maybe next time he needs to take a shit, and he's close to losing control he can sit for half an hour and see how THAT feels.

user1478939671 · 12/12/2017 07:07

The comments about girls using it as a 'get of jail free pass', good grief so someone with a heavy period should suffer embarrassment because a few people want to bunk off?
'I’ve never had a period myself that would cause instant drowning in a half hour, I must admit.' someone said...is that the point? You are only allowed to change your pad if you risk 'drowning?'
I hope you complained. Fed up to the back teeth of people treating women's issues as unimportant basically as a reflection that they think women are unimportant.

user1478939671 · 12/12/2017 07:10

'Unless DD has just started her periods then she must have some idea of how long she needs to go between pad changes ... so she really should have gone before the lesson.'

Is this a woman saying this!? Periods can change flow behaviour at any time for any number of reasons.

mumof2sarah · 12/12/2017 07:11

All those saying it's can't happen that are... believe me it can and it's not nice. I'd perhaps just ring the school and speak to the highest female member of staff, explain what has happened and ask if she could perhaps speak to the teacher and make him aware of the trials and tribulations of periods. Especially for teenagers, my teenager and her friends said it's so traumatic at the beginning and they are so self conscious at that time of the month. More so because they know how horrible teenagers can be without anything what they class as embarrasing happening. I had a frank conversation about it being a part of life and how as you get older it's not an embarrassing thing it's just something that women go through. They still said it's embarrassing though 🙈I wouldn't make a big issue about it but I would ask someone to just have a quiet word with the other teacher x