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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at teacher telling DD to 'hold in' period.

727 replies

yaela123 · 11/12/2017 18:41

DD is 15 and her school have a no going to the toilet during lesson time rule, which I completely agree with on the whole as I know how disruptive it can be if people are constantly in and out, and how everyone just uses it as an excuse to bunk off (I am a teacher too - very different environment though)

Only exception is if you have a medical note from a doctor.

Today in one of her lessons DD says she could feel that she really needed to change her pad, she was getting quite worried about it leaking. She eventually asked the (male) teacher if she could go to the loo.

Teacher: No, you know the rules
DD: I really need it.
Teacher: What did I just say?
DD: It's a girl problem...
Teacher: What do you mean?
DD: Umm... I'm on my period
Teacher: Break is only in half an hour, hold it in til then

Obviously those aren't the exact words said but she says it's pretty accurate.
DD is quite shy so did just wait til break (no leakage btw).

She doesn't seem overly bothered but AIBU to be pretty shocked at him telling her to hold it in? Surely even men have some basic idea that it doesn't work like that?

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 12/12/2017 07:21

user
As many of us have said, there is a middle ground between letting all students out whenever they ask and a blanket ban.
Good grief, I wonder how I've functioned as a teacher managing to be reasonable, firm and fair all these years without being a draconian bully or a pushover.

These threads are always the same 'let's create two opposite clubs and argue the toss when the most obvious and sensible answer is in the middle and done almost every day by most people'

Domani · 12/12/2017 07:26

I think pupils should be allowed to go to the loo when required. Then the lower teaching standards we have today can be blamed on the disruption that teachers claim it will cause.

Verbena37 · 12/12/2017 07:29

I’m pretty shocked that so many women on threads like these have such little empathy with children during their period or even just needing the loo.

At most secondary’s they have a no toilet during lessons rule....which is daft because exceot a very small minority (work out the probability of the number in a class and the number needing the loo in that hour and the number who want to actually miss the lesson becasue of it).most of them just want to go to the loo.

At dd school, there is a rule that you have to get to next lesson within 2 minutes. If you’re across the opposites side of school, there is no way you’d also have time to go to the loo and change your towel as well.

It’s a basic human need to go to the loo...and not at specific times. Some people having their period, will be prone to flooding or perhaps need to just change their towel more frequently to start with. The very fact that the OP’s dd is only 15 means that her periods may not be regular and she may not know from one to the next what the flow will be like.

op, I’d just write a letter saying you expect her to be allowed to use the toilet if she needs to during lessons. Explain that on occasion, she may need to do that and isn’t doing it to mess around.if that means she needs to show a card to the teacher, so be it but nobody has the right to stop a child using the toilet at any given time.....particularly not for half an hour!

WhatALoadOfBaubles · 12/12/2017 07:37

At dd school, there is a rule that you have to get to next lesson within 2 minutes. If you’re across the opposites side of school, there is no way you’d also have time to go to the loo and change your towel as well

Yes, exactly. It's not as simple as waiting for the end of a lesson.

PrincessoftheSea · 12/12/2017 07:40

The teacher should have let her go. Teacher should let children go to the loo because it does happen that you all of a sudden need it.

Domani · 12/12/2017 07:54

I was once working a 4 hour shift on the till at Toys R Us and 1 hour before end of shift I was desperate for the loo. Manager refused even though other tills were in action. In the end, I just had to go. Whilst on the loo, themanager was calling me back over the tannoy. Dh (who also worked there) gave her a right bollocking and i thought he would lose his job.But he didn't and later the manager apologised, citing that she was under pressure and had taken it out on me!! Even as an adult, I felt quite distressed that my urgency was discounted. Why should pupils have to worry about this, on top of other pressures they have in school?

Domani · 12/12/2017 08:01

I know you are a teacher OP but I think anyone who needs the loo should be allowed because the person in charge can never truly know if it is a desperate need or not. You ANBU about the "hold it in" and you should complain and question this stupid remark.

LakieLady · 12/12/2017 08:11

You don't see the anxiety, the reduced concentration as girls wonder if they will make it to the end of the class.

I was chronically anxious for about a year after I had to leave the netball court because I had blood pouring down my legs, despite having changed my pad before the lesson started. I was terrified it would happen again. I used to hate getting the bus to school when I had my period for fear of leaking in public. And this was despite the staff and pupils being very sympathetic and diplomatic (single sex school, all-female staff).

It never happened again, I was blessed with easy periods and menopause, but it really did my head in.

Of course girls should be allowed out of lessons to deal with menstruation-related issues. Not to do so is misogynist imo.

Imagine the same principle being adopted in the workplace. People would be outraged, and rightly so.

sparklepops123 · 12/12/2017 08:17

Yes I'd complain, teachers know which kids do it to bunk out of lessons. Same kind of thing happened to me when I was at secondary school (30 Year’s ago 😱) and I still hate that teacher to a passion!

LakieLady · 12/12/2017 08:22

Ellendegeneres, your school sounds more like a prison than a school - horrifying.

It's 45 years since I left school, and we had none of this nonsense. I don't know anyone else of my generation who did, either - padlocked gates and locked toilets were unthinkable.

I'm having one of my old-fart-shakes-head-in-despair-at-the-modern-world moments now.

PineappleScrunchie · 12/12/2017 08:33

rabbit are you saying you have an instinct which tells you if a girls sanitary protection is about to fail? And because the OP’s dd didn’t actually leak in this case, so does her male teacher? That’s quite a skill Hmm

Givemeonereason · 12/12/2017 08:51

I would also enforce the message that she is not a prisoner at school. Yes they can have rules and regulations, but if she needs to go to the toilet for genuine reasons (on the cusp of wetting herself or leaking through a pad) then she just goes and deal with the consequences. If she is a good kid and ensures her work doesn't suffer as a result, then surely she could be mature about doing this. I know this may lead to other children doing the same who are time wasters and that isn't fair on the teacher, so that's not really very good advice in that respect, but I would be beyond furious if my child soiled themselves at school.
Obviously this would be a last resort. Using the toilet during break times and between lessons should still be the norm where possible.

Willow2017 · 12/12/2017 08:53

I am disapointed to keep reading on a predominantly support website women still being slagged off because thier lives are not exactly like someone elsed. "My period was 20 mls and lasted an hour a month" How can you possibly bleed more than that you liar". Types.

Its perfectly easy to flood a pad or tampon all of a sudden. It happened to me on a regular basis all my life. Sometimes i was ofc work due to horrific pain and bleeding. I actually got admitted to hospital once as gp thought i was miscarrying due to the contractions i was having and the blood loss. I wasnt but hospital said it wasn't that rare an ocurance.

The teacher needs to read up his biology. Its quite possible to flood within a 2 hour lesson and his ignorance is appaling.
Def speak to him about it or pastoral care about educating thier male teachers on basic biology.

Willow2017 · 12/12/2017 09:04

The teacher 'predicted' dd could last the lesson!!!
Ffs no he didnt he just got lucky he didnt end up with a humiated pupil covered in blood. He thinks women can "hold in" periods he isnt the brightest button in the box is he? How on earth would he know the difference between desperately needing to go change a pad or not?

greenhairybottle · 12/12/2017 09:22

I've been managing my period for 35 years and occasionally I still get caught short and it arrives 5 days before it was supposed to....should a young woman wear a pad every day of the month just in case they have a bloody stupid ignorant teacher who tells them they can just hold it in??!!!

greenhairybottle · 12/12/2017 09:26

I’m pretty shocked that so many women on threads like these have such little empathy with children during their period or even just needing the loo. I think these are the women who find having a period predictable and painless - they should shut up and be thankful that they have a manageable bodily function instead of belittling woman who don't!

MardAsSnails · 12/12/2017 09:26

Just adding another voice to the surely she knows how long between changes etc etc

I know exactly how long between changes - and that's 'however long my stupid fucking body decides it is'. Take today for example. Woke up, changed, lay down for half an hour and needed to change maxi Tampax AND pad, half hour to get dressed, toilet again to change. Got to work at 8am. Then nothing til 1pm. I'll probably need to change 2-3 times this afternoon.

Tomorrow will be just as random. Yesterday was bad - I was paranoid all day and there was minimal.

Last month was a dream - 3 days of light flow. He only issue was the paranoia that the gushing would start at any time.

This is after 23 years of periods. And with no medical issues making them abnormal.

Total sympathy with OPs daughter - and the rest of you who suffer similarly.

Willow2017 · 12/12/2017 09:29

If its anything like our high school going to the loo between classes isnt an option. There are 3 floors you only get enough time to get to next lesson no chance of finding a loo and changing a pad in between.

OrangePeels · 12/12/2017 09:30

How horrible for your DD!

Around the same age a girl I sat next to asked to use the toilet and the male teacher refused. We could see her getting more agitated. Myself and the girl on the other side asked her if she was ok and she said she thought she was leaking. She shuffled forward and blood was all over her chair - thankfully a plastic chair. We convinced her to just run for it. We managed to clean up her chair without anyone else noticing. The teacher cane over to ask where she had gone and we told him she had to leave. She stayed in the toilet until the end of the lesson. He wouldn’t let anyone go check on her. After the lesson we went to find her and she was in a mess crying, skirt covered in blood. We thankfully had a sports skirt she could borrow to leave the toilets in but had to call her mum to collect her as she was so distraught and embarrassed. So yes, it happens! None of the boys noticed anything wrong thankfully.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/12/2017 10:01

I think I’d ask school if DD can have a toilet pass to avoid it happening again. I don’t think it’s worth complaining as teacher is in a difficult position. So look for a solution in future.

youarenotkiddingme · 12/12/2017 10:17

Ask someone who does get gushes half an hour is a long time.
One gush fills a pad and a second can flood it.

I’d. be tempted to email the teacher personally and ask his advice on how he expects his female pupils to ‘hold in’ their period so you can advise DD for the future in order to not disrupt his lessons. Hmm

stickytoffeevodka · 12/12/2017 10:24

It never ceases to amaze me how many people will happily talk about flooding, pad changes, clots etc. on these threads.

Damnthatonestaken · 12/12/2017 10:26

U2hastheedge, well said. People must be very naive and self absorbed to think everyone bleeds the sMe as them

Willow2017 · 12/12/2017 10:30

Sticky
Its just a fact of life. Nothing to hide or be embarrassed about.

And when people call others liars because they dont have the same experiences it gets anmoying.

VileyRose · 12/12/2017 10:33

I generally have light periods but it's not something you can plan. I sometimes have no blood for hours and then a lot. I hate sitting down for long periods of time when I am wearing a pad. I think it's outrageous to not let children go to the loo as and when.