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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OW wanting to facetime DS

94 replies

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 20:28

My ex has only just recently got back into contact with my DS (8). He has not seen him for over 5 years. He left me for OW and DS couldn't even remember his father, let alone a woman he only met a few times, before my ex decided he no longer wanted to see DS.

Anyway, i've been very good despite the fact I hate the arsehole with a passion for the way he treated DS and the lies he's told about me etc. Suggested DS FaceTime via my laptop rather than use a phone because DS talks a lot better that way and there is less chance of being cut off due to DS dropping, pressing buttons etc. Ex has seen DS 3 times in 3 months (only wants to see him once a month!) so far.

Ex has now asked if OW (now wife so not really OW anymore but wanted to give context) could facetime DS. I don't like this woman, I met her and she lied to me, as did he because they were already having an affair at that stage, she has told ex to put phone down on me when I rang and asked why he hadn't turned up to pick up DS when he first left and seems to want to push herself on my DS. I had to really fight for her not to be there when contact was first resumed between DS and Ex. Anyway I think he's taking the piss asking that. Its bad enough seeing his face on a computer screen as I'm doing my chores let alone seeing hers and hearing her speak to my DS. Thankfully DS has no interest in speaking to her over FaceTime. Ex seems to think I'm being unreasonable because we have all moved on. Yes I have got over him leaving me and I'm bloody glad he did however, this is a woman he had an affair with and I think I'm allowed to not want her face timing my child in my home.

So AIBU to feel okay with this?

OP posts:

user1482573375 · 10/12/2017 20:33

If your son doesn't want to speak to her, there's your answer. It sounds like you've been very good, considering the circumstances. YANBU. Good luck

Splinterz · 10/12/2017 20:35

Whether you like it or not, she is still his step mother, and when DS gets over night stays etc, she will be present. Would you not rather that she has a decent relationship with the boy?

SilverdaleGlen · 10/12/2017 20:36

Fuck that shit.
Say no.

SouthWindsWesterly · 10/12/2017 20:37

You can’t say no just because you don’t want to see her face on a laptop. However you can say no as your ex should be building a relationship with his son instead of foisting the new wife on him. He needs to put his child first not try and justify his new relationship to him.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 10/12/2017 20:37

she's not his step Mother because she and your ex haven't worked to build that relationship.

Say no.

Original poster

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 20:41

She's seen 3 times over 5 years ago that certainly doesn't make her a step mother!!! She's my ex's wife not my child's step mother, there has been no parenting going on from either of them and so saying 'mother' is a bloody slap in the face to me who has actually been a mother to him.

Yes I would like them to have a decent relationship however, he has no idea who sees is even. He will be having overnight stays (one a month, his choice) and she will there and I don't have a problem with this. I just don't want her face timing him in my home.

OP posts:

Splinterz · 10/12/2017 20:42

she's not his step Mother because she and your ex haven't worked to build that relationship.

Legally tha is how she would be described. And no, I don't suppose she can build a relationship if she I prevented from speaking to he boy.

As ever this shouldn't be about whatever the biomum want, it should be about what is best for the child. If the father is making strides to build a relationship, that will also include his spouse and wider family and a child has a right to know those people. Even if biomum hates their guts.

ToadsforJustice · 10/12/2017 20:45

I would be questioning why Ex has got in contact after so long. I would also view OW with extreme suspicion as to her motives. Does she want an instant family with your DS? Is their relationship in trouble and is she trying to use DS to paper over the cracks?

I would tell them both to fuck off.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 20:47

DS has no interest in speaking to her over FaceTime

This is all your ex needs to know. He's old enough to make that decision and it matters not a jot what she wants, your son is the ONLY person whose feelings matter in this.

BTW I think your astonishingly selfless and strong to go along with this so well, you must be absolutely furious with the selfish bastard ex for popping up again when it suits him! Tell him if he's not willing to take it at a slow pace then the deal is off

PurpleMinionMummy · 10/12/2017 20:51

Yanbu. His dad has seen him 3 times in 3 mths after years of nothing. He should worry about seeing him some bloody more before worrying about whether his mrs can facetime

Original poster

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 20:55

Splinterz have you read the part that they haven't wanted anything to do with DS for the last 5 years, their choice along with all his family. They chose to support his decision to not see his son. I'm not preventing anything but thank you for suggesting that I am and please do not call my biomum I'm his mother thanks. I just don't see why I can't be a bit off with her wanting to FaceTime my DS.

OP posts:

Furgggggg12 · 10/12/2017 20:55

Splinterz

As ever this shouldn't be about whatever the mum want, it should be about what is best for the child. If the father is making strides to build a relationship, that will also include his spouse and wider family and a child has a right to know those people. Even if mum hates their guts.

FTFY.

He's not seen him in 5 years. They can both fuck off.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 20:57

I don't suppose she can build a relationship if she I prevented from speaking to he boy.

Children are not there for people's pickings, you have to earn relationships with them. Being married to their spleen donor does not count

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 20:58

*sperm

Original poster

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 20:59

ToadsforJustice she never wanted children and ex had the snip not long after leaving me for her. I always said that once my son was 7-8 years old they's come crawling back as he wouldn't be so difficult to look after then. Lo and behold here they are.

He doesn't want to see him more than once a month. I've asked what holiday contact he wants next year and for the whole year of school holidays he's going to have him an extra 4 days. Nothing at easter and doesn't want to see him over Christmas. But yes I'm the one preventing a relationship between him and my ex's wife! (I don't bloody care about the legal term of what she is!!)

OP posts:

Original poster

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:02

I think I might feel differently if she wasn't the OW however, I just think its an odd thing to want to do when you have no connection with the child and have actively not seen them in over 5 years.

Obviously to some I'm wrong in thinking that way.

Thank you to those who have made me not feel i'm utterly unreasonable for thinking it was an unreasonable request.

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 10/12/2017 21:03

i would say no on the grounds that he needs to build relationship with ex and also ds doesn't want to.

she legally is step mother..same as your ex is dad even though neither have acted in such a way.

I would be very suspicious of motives too but assume you have looked into these.

TrinitySquirrel · 10/12/2017 21:05

Can I just point out that a step mother is generally only called as such if the child's actual mother isn't in the picture and she takes over the mothering role, or if the child and the new partner build up such a relationship?

Being the Dad's gf or partner or new wife DOES NOT make someone a step-mother. It makes them just the aforementioned.

Original poster

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:05

I've not looked into any motives actually, it didn't occur to me. What kind of motives do you feel they might have?

OP posts:

Valerrie · 10/12/2017 21:06

My ex left when DD was 2. She's 9 now and if he suddenly came back into her life I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that it would be HIM needing to build a relationship and no one else at this stage.

She can absolutely do one. So can he if he's so bothered about her and not his own relationship with your DS.

PositivelyPERF · 10/12/2017 21:08

Fuck that biomum crap. She's his MUM! That thing is simply his father's wife. I bet you call women cis women too.

Original poster

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:10

I did say that for 6 months it was to be only him. However, he then asked me to ask DS if she could come along on the 5th visit but DS said no. He then pushed for when and so DS agreed to her being their on the 6th time. I literally had to fight for her to not be there from the beginning, to the point I said you'll have to go to court then because you are not putting his needs first and he has to build a relationship up with you. Its been hard going but he finally relented but he is still very keen to push her into their relationship so very early on.

OP posts:

Original poster

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:11

thankfully that poster didn't write 'cis bio mum' or my head might have exploded!!

OP posts:

anothernetter · 10/12/2017 21:12

YANBU. There is no way in hell I would even entertain the idea.

PositivelyPERF · 10/12/2017 21:12

cis bio mum OP! 😆

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