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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OW wanting to facetime DS

94 replies

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 20:28

My ex has only just recently got back into contact with my DS (8). He has not seen him for over 5 years. He left me for OW and DS couldn't even remember his father, let alone a woman he only met a few times, before my ex decided he no longer wanted to see DS.

Anyway, i've been very good despite the fact I hate the arsehole with a passion for the way he treated DS and the lies he's told about me etc. Suggested DS FaceTime via my laptop rather than use a phone because DS talks a lot better that way and there is less chance of being cut off due to DS dropping, pressing buttons etc. Ex has seen DS 3 times in 3 months (only wants to see him once a month!) so far.

Ex has now asked if OW (now wife so not really OW anymore but wanted to give context) could facetime DS. I don't like this woman, I met her and she lied to me, as did he because they were already having an affair at that stage, she has told ex to put phone down on me when I rang and asked why he hadn't turned up to pick up DS when he first left and seems to want to push herself on my DS. I had to really fight for her not to be there when contact was first resumed between DS and Ex. Anyway I think he's taking the piss asking that. Its bad enough seeing his face on a computer screen as I'm doing my chores let alone seeing hers and hearing her speak to my DS. Thankfully DS has no interest in speaking to her over FaceTime. Ex seems to think I'm being unreasonable because we have all moved on. Yes I have got over him leaving me and I'm bloody glad he did however, this is a woman he had an affair with and I think I'm allowed to not want her face timing my child in my home.

So AIBU to feel okay with this?

OP posts:
pallisers · 10/12/2017 21:49

Stepmother!! The man is barely a father except in the most literal sense so how could the woman he married be a stepmother??

I would say no. I would keep all communications very simple and short. I would not prioritise this relationship in any way and I would be trying to warn your son that his father may not be in it for the long-haul.

I think this is going to end in tears for your son again. Anyone who can abandon a child for 5 years and then see them once a month and then ask for a reduction in maintenance because of that once-monthly meeting is not really engaged or interested in their child. Won't be there through thick and thin, when the kid is a horrible teen or needs help etc.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/12/2017 21:49

I think he’s trying to get you to react so he can drop out again then blame you.

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:49

The overnight stays are not until April next year and obviously only if he turns up every month. DS wasn't too enthused when I said his Dad had sent dated to have him for the weekend. I asked if his Dad had mentioned it to him and he said yes but not until next year. I asked him if he was okay with it and he said yes as long s its not until next year. Obviously if he doesn't want to stay overnight he won't. I won't be forcing him.

I know full well that his dad will be very pushy about things but all I can do is say to DS that if he is not comfortable with anything he needs to say so. However, its very tricky for a kid of his age. He knows I don't like his fathers behaviour or his wife but I've very much emphasised his relationship with the pair of them is very separate to my thoughts and feelings and he has every right to like and love them.

They literally don't think there is anything wrong with her face timing him, nothing at all. The long winded email I had back showed that. Its like banging your head agains a brick wall.

OP posts:
pallisers · 10/12/2017 21:51

If someone sees being a parent as optional, that mindset tends to be fixed.

This is such a precise way of summing up the situation. If you leave a kid for 5 years, being a parent is definitely optional.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/12/2017 21:53

I know it’s too late to bolt this particular stable door, but after 5 years of no contact I’d have told him to go to court if he wanted contact. I know Court would have said ‘yes’, but tbh he probably wouldn’t have bothered would he?! Anyway, too late for that, but it’s not too late to say ‘YOU chose not to see your Son for 5 years. If you can’t follow my wishes regarding being in his life again then you will have to go to court to get contact time with DS because I am not having you mess him about. OW is not to FaceTime DS & neither of you are to pressure him into her being there when you see him. After 5 years he doesn’t know you & you need to work on that first’.

There’s no way I’d let DS sleep over for quite some time. EXDH chose not to see him for 5 years, I wouldn’t trust him to have DS’s best interests at heart. He is essentially a stranger to DS, i think short visits are fine for now.

Slapdasherie · 10/12/2017 21:53

The OW is not his stepmother just because she married his father. She has no legal standing, christ, she has no actual relationship.
If she spends the time to naturally build a relationship overtime, it could happen. But given how it is going at the moment, that doesn't seem at all likely.
It seems to be all ego-driven and when it doesn't pan out as they think it will, with Happy Families all round all on 1 visit a month after no contact for years, they will chuck a tanty and disappear and this boy's mother will be left to pick up the pieces for her child. Again.

perfectstorm · 10/12/2017 21:54

I think so too however, my ex's ego is massive and he thinks he's just fantastic and everybody should just love him blah blah so I think there is an element of 'why would you not want to speak to us, we are amazing' if you get what I mean.

Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean.

FitBitFanClub · 10/12/2017 21:54

Long-winded? Then I'd be inclined to piss him off by refusing to engage with any of his nonsense and just say, "no." Don't enter into any sort of debate about it. Just no.

perfectstorm · 10/12/2017 21:56

What matters here is your son's feelings.

Actually, no. When there is a single parent - a sole parent, really - their emotional state directly impacts the child. Having this woman's voice in her home will eat up emotional energy that could be far better spent. There's no need for it, and the OP is clear that she is fine with contact with the stepmother in the father's house. Just not hers. That's completely reasonable, and about sensible boundaries.

WhooooAmI24601 · 10/12/2017 21:57

Perfectstorm has worded it incredibly. Exactly what I think about things like this.

It takes time, effort, love and energy to be a parent. It takes even more to be a Step-Parent. If your Ex and his DW had been part of DS' life since he was small with regular, trustworthy and suitable contact I'd understand her taking an interest in his life. But this, this is simply a temporarily measure til they get bored and walk away again.

And for me, adults don't get to walk in and out of children's lives. DH and I met when DS1 was very young. It took almost 9 months for me to introduce the two of them and then it was tiny weeny steps at a time because I'd said to DH that meeting a partner's child is making a commitment. It's not something you take lightly, it's not something you dip in and out of. It's a big deal. For the two of them to have disregarded your son's needs and welfare for so long is hugely revealing. YANBU at all, OP. Listen to your son's opinions on this and don't feel as though you owe your Ex anything at all. He has to earn a relationship, he has to earn your son's love, respect and time. You don't do that by going awol for 5 years.

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 22:00

The three years prior to this year, he would ask to see him again, I'd lay down ground rules i.e. build up contact and only him.

Every single year there was a reason why he didn't want to see him after all and he blamed me.

First year - I swore in an email at something he'd written therefore I was being abusive and so he would not be seeing DS and thats my fault.
Second year - said it should only be him and not her again I was unreasonable and he would not be seeing DS after all and thats all my fault.
Third year - I said he could not take DS out of my house without him giving me contact details and again it had to be just him and it had to be supervised because DS had no clue who he was. Again I was unreasonable and he wasn't going to give me his address or phone number and that he'd take him out without anyone supervising him. So yet again he didn't see him and that was all my fault.

Each time I prepared my DS for his visits that never happened at the last minute. However. I don't want my DS to think it was in anyway me that prevented his dad from seeing him so I have to keep letting him. At least he his actually turned up this time and if he fails to turn up at any point then thats it. No more.

I think the worse thing, apart from him asking for that woman to face time him, is my DS asking if he could buy his Dad a Christmas present and then watch him choose one. My bloody money has been spent on that fucking arsehole but I could not say no to DS or show how fucking painful it was for me to do.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 10/12/2017 22:01

The "biomum", Splinterz???? Are you for real?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/12/2017 22:01

Sorry, cross posted with several of your posts,

What was the basis of his last no email?

He has a fucking nerve with anything beyond ‘Sorry, I should have realised it was inappropriate’ .

This is going to be painful isn’t it 😖. Start as you mean to go on. Take NO shit. NONE. And don’t be ‘nice’. We are so programmed into ‘nice’. Just be factual.

I have space for two under my patio 🥃

ToadsforJustice · 10/12/2017 22:02

I wouldn’t let DS sleep over for 5 years.

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 22:07

I wouldn’t let DS sleep over for 5 years. Grin that made me chuckle. I'd love that however, it would be used against me particularly when DS is older. Plus ex would keep on at DS and that would not be nice for him.

Make space AnnieAnoniMouse I don't want them under my patio LOL.

My mum reckons that once my DS starts being more like himself and not on best behaviour they will not see him so much. My DS, as much as I love him, is loud, energetic, argumentative and generally a pain in the bum most of the time. Not sure thats going to fit into their lifestyle tbh!

OP posts:
beingsunny · 10/12/2017 22:07

If they are now trying to build a relationship with your son I would say you should allow it, she is an important adult in his life now regardless of past behaviours (not excusing that) it's your job to ensure your son develops healthy relationships with them for his future, ask him to wear headphones so you don't need to hear her.

My exh partner had a birthday yesterday and he asked if our sons could FaceTime her to say happy birthday, we did, it's reinforcing that he has adults who love him, and showing him that we all care about him.

Your some doesn't need to feel your anger at his dad and the other half it will make for stressful visits where he will feel anxious and may feel he need to hide his feelings or experiences from you.

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 22:08

AnnieAnoniMouse his last email spouted on forever about how they thought is would be best for DS and that we have all moved on and I should be able to deal with her face timing DS, that they only have his best interests at heart blah blah blah!

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 10/12/2017 22:08

Your Mum is right. Wink

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 22:09

beingsunny you realise my DS has only met this woman 3 times and that was over 5 years ago. Totally different to face timing someone to say happy birthday they have developed a relationship with.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 10/12/2017 22:13

I’ll say one more thing - it would be best if they just move on with their lives and leave you and DS alone. They haven’t got DS’s interests at heart. They are emotionally bankrupt and are not to be trusted.

beingsunny · 10/12/2017 22:14

But you say he has been seeing his father for six months, and you have refused to allow this woman to be there, when does the relationship get an opportunity to start?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 22:15

it's your job to ensure your son develops healthy relationships with them for his future

It's really not. The OW is a stranger to her DS. Have you even read the OP's posts?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 22:16

But you say he has been seeing his father for six months, and you have refused to allow this woman to be there, when does the relationship get an opportunity to start?

Surely when the sperm donor father has cemented a good relationship himself where the DS trusts him and feels a connection? When the DS is ready. He doesn't care right now.

OP does your DS see his paternal grandparents or any of your ex's relatives?

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 22:17

No he has seen him 3 times in 3 months. He will be seeing her at the 6 month point and then staying overnight from then on. I fully believe that my DS needs to build a relationship with his father first. So far he has seen him in total for 10 hours. My ex only wants to see him once a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 22:20

Ex’s mum and all his brothers and sisters supported ex’s decision to not see DS so they haven’t seen him in over 5 years either.

Ex’s dad and his wife refused to go along with this so ex cut them out of his life. I take my DS up to see ex’s dad etc every couple of months and it’s a 5 hour round trip for me.

OP posts: