Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OW wanting to facetime DS

94 replies

clippityclock · 10/12/2017 20:28

My ex has only just recently got back into contact with my DS (8). He has not seen him for over 5 years. He left me for OW and DS couldn't even remember his father, let alone a woman he only met a few times, before my ex decided he no longer wanted to see DS.

Anyway, i've been very good despite the fact I hate the arsehole with a passion for the way he treated DS and the lies he's told about me etc. Suggested DS FaceTime via my laptop rather than use a phone because DS talks a lot better that way and there is less chance of being cut off due to DS dropping, pressing buttons etc. Ex has seen DS 3 times in 3 months (only wants to see him once a month!) so far.

Ex has now asked if OW (now wife so not really OW anymore but wanted to give context) could facetime DS. I don't like this woman, I met her and she lied to me, as did he because they were already having an affair at that stage, she has told ex to put phone down on me when I rang and asked why he hadn't turned up to pick up DS when he first left and seems to want to push herself on my DS. I had to really fight for her not to be there when contact was first resumed between DS and Ex. Anyway I think he's taking the piss asking that. Its bad enough seeing his face on a computer screen as I'm doing my chores let alone seeing hers and hearing her speak to my DS. Thankfully DS has no interest in speaking to her over FaceTime. Ex seems to think I'm being unreasonable because we have all moved on. Yes I have got over him leaving me and I'm bloody glad he did however, this is a woman he had an affair with and I think I'm allowed to not want her face timing my child in my home.

So AIBU to feel okay with this?

OP posts:
ivenoideawhatimdoing · 10/12/2017 21:12

You're far more diplomatic than I, OP.

I'd have barely mustered a 'lol, no'

I'd be mindful that his relationship with his 'father' may not last. He's seen him three times, that is nothing in the great scheme of things. Why introduce another stranger for him to perhaps have to lose, again.

Adults have to earn a right to a child's attention and affection, it's not an automatic given because she's married to his 'Dad'. If he wants to have her there on his time that's up to him, you do not have to condone it nor facilitate it.

DS not wanting it is the kicker really, he wouldn't want to FaceTime you neighbour's cousin who met him a few times when he was a baby, so what's the difference? To him; none. His Father only wants it to serve his own agenda.

Starlight2345 · 10/12/2017 21:15

I don't know.. but I sure as hell would be asking why he abandonded my DS and why he wants to return now to ensure its not a phase and my DS doesn't get hurt over and over again.

My DS has not seen his dad in 7 years since he was 3 . He knows he would have to take me to court if he wanted to see him to make sure it is the right thing for him.. Although my situation has complicated history which means I would need to ensure my \ds's safety

SpottedOnMN · 10/12/2017 21:19

Is he wanting your DS to have one to one FaceTime chats with her?
Or just for her to be sat with him while he's talking to his son and talking to him a bit herself?

Because for the former YANBU but if you're objecting to the latter YABU although as someone who ex is married to the OW I completely understand why you wouldn't be keen.

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:20

Best thing in all of this is that now that he is seeing him once a month, he will ask CSM to reduce his payments as he has to spend petrol getting here. He did this with his older daughter. Jesus christ I'd like to charge him for the petrol it costs me running DS about to childcare, activities etc.

OP posts:
Namow · 10/12/2017 21:21

I think it's a bit of both. Your'e absolutely right that dad needs to be prioritising him and the son he abandoned right now. It's far too soon to be worrying about his son's relationship with his wife - it's totally irrelevant until he's on much more of a firm footing with his son. (As an aside, I can't imagine what kind of person can not see their own child for 5 years - his own little boy!)

At the same time, I do think you need to not consider the fact she's the OW or how much you hate seeing her face or your personal (justified) anger at her. She is now your son's stepmother (I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be hurtful but that is what she is) and building a relationship with his dad will involve building a relationship with her. That can only be a healthy relationship if you don't make him aware of the fact that you hate her.

AdaColeman · 10/12/2017 21:22

I'd say no for now, but if your son starts to form a bond with her then that might change.
Be prepared to review things in six months, or if your son asks to speak to her while he is talking to his Dad.

Really this isn't about what OW or Dad want, it should be about what the child wants and what is best for him.
As there has been a long break in contact, obviously there is a lot of work for the Dad to do, and that should come first.

I think it's quite an odd thing to ask TBH. My thoughts are that she has had her nose put out of joint a bit by your son's visits, and is feeling left out of this new relationship of her husband's so she wants to make sure she is included in it, and to some extent control it.

This could all be a short lived experience of course, so I'd take things slowly at first, who knows what the Dad's motives are in re establishing contact, let him make all the effort in order to see just how committed he really is.

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:24

One on One chats separate to his chats. It takes everything to not smack his face via the laptop I'm not sure I could hold back with her!

He states that he has always wanted to see him and that it is better for DS to have him in his life and surely I should understand that. Hmmmm not sure why he hasn't been here for the past 5 years then!

Trouble is I have no way of knowing whether its a phase or not and he is a lying bastard so I wouldn't get the truth anyway. I just have to be here to pick the pieces up when he no doubt fails to turn up some weekends because he's got a function to go to or what a weekend away with his wife (happened a lot that after he first left!)

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 10/12/2017 21:25

now that he is seeing him once a month, he will ask CSM to reduce his payments as he has to spend petrol getting here

Less than 52 nights of contact a year won't affect the maintenance, it's the lowest entry on the calculator.

MajesticWhine · 10/12/2017 21:25

I think this sounds like a ridiculous suggestion. Say no. DS doesn't want this, so No.

SpottedOnMN · 10/12/2017 21:26

'One on One chats separate to his chats. It takes everything to not smack his face via the laptop I'm not sure I could hold back with her!'

Yeah fuck that!!

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:29

AnathemaPulsifer it does get reduced for travel expenses. Unfortunately, despite him not seeing my DS, my money also got reduced due to him seeing his daughter and it will no doubt get reduced again now he is seeing my DS.

It stinks tbh.

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 10/12/2017 21:31

For me, it would be the invasion of my home that would make me say no. That's your own private, safe space and to have to hear her voice floating around, even if in another room, would be intolerable. What if she then asked your son to spin the ipad round so she could see his bedroom? No, no, no. She cannot invade your home in this way.

I hate hearing my kids talk to their friends on Facetime too, so it's not even about it just being the OW. It's a bit similar to how I'm fine with hearing two people converse say, on the train, but I get really irritated hearing just one side of a conversation on a phone call.

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/12/2017 21:32

Really?! That's awful. It's a poxy enough amount as it is.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/12/2017 21:32

One on One chats separate to his chats.

Sorry but that is weird. Is he trying to mess with you or genuinely thinks this is a good idea?

And 'biomum' yuk.

Chocolate254 · 10/12/2017 21:32

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all op.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/12/2017 21:35

He has an older daughter with another woman too?

Yanbu. Thing is it's tricky territory, because whilst I gather you don't want to be a blockade, your son was very little when he left so you were able to build what has now become just normal life to him. His dad could potentially blow this up by being inconsistent amongst other choice terms an utter feckless bastard of a father

Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:35

Thank you for all your responses. I'm glad I'm not the only one to think it odd and intrusive.

My new lodger (male) thinks he's doing it to wind me up and also thinks its very odd. I think so too however, my ex's ego is massive and he thinks he's just fantastic and everybody should just love him blah blah so I think there is an element of 'why would you not want to speak to us, we are amazing' if you get what I mean. Fuck knows why I was ever with him tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
clippityclock · 10/12/2017 21:37

Yes, she's 14 but I think he only sees her once every couple of months. I'm also thinking that maybe she is getting a bit more clued up to what a twat he is and not being the adoring daughter anymore which could be why he's wanting to come back into my sons life. Who knows.

OP posts:
Eatalot · 10/12/2017 21:40

Fuck her facetime request. On another note:

I think him wanting over night stays at this stage is very unreasonable and not fair on your son. He does not know this man and this takes time. I wouldnt be even thinking about overnight stays until regular contact has been maintained and this so called gather has proved his worth. You dont get to just come back into someones life and make demands on your terms. Dont let anyone make you feel like you should let ex make the rules. He fucked off now has to prove he is responsible. You ds comes first and he needs stability.

BrizzleDrizzle · 10/12/2017 21:41

Well you've got two possible options IMO.

  1. Fuck off
  2. No

depending on how polite you want to be.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 10/12/2017 21:42

One on one?

No, inappropriate completely - especially as he doesn't want to. What will they talk about?

I'm also a negative to the overnight stays. He's met your child three times, whether he's his father or not, he's essentially a stranger.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/12/2017 21:46

Having thought about this a bit more. No fucking way. Fuck that. Tell them to go whistle.

SpareASquare · 10/12/2017 21:46

Is this on her own, or with the father? If the father wants her there when he face times, I see no issue. On her own I'd find a bit strange.

My childrens father came back into their lives after a few more years than yours OP. Pretty much after I'd raised them myself, at least the older ones. I suspect it was due to the new (at the time) partner. For whatever reason, he came back and my youngest was around the same age. I do have no issue with his partner and, in fact, the children actually like her more than dad. My youngest spends time with her without her father, who still can only manage a once a month arrangement.
I was very much like you OP in that I wanted a relationship to be built with dad first. Now I'm 'meh'. They don't have that bond with him, they see him out of obligation but they like her and, if she makes the visits more bearable, I'm ok with that.

perfectstorm · 10/12/2017 21:47

This father has form for two things: prioritising his dick, and pulling a vanishing act. He is lucky that the OP is prepared to consider the risk of her son growing up not knowing his dad as graver than the risk of his dad doing yet another disappearing act! Which is absolutely a risk, and would fuck him up all over again.

He will be having overnight stays (one a month, his choice) and she will there and I don't have a problem with this. I just don't want her face timing him in my home.

Completely reasonable.

The child's welfare has depended upon his mother. She is the one who stayed, who has done all the work, who has prioritised her child. If having this woman's voice floating around her home would upset her then she shouldn't allow it, because the child's wellbeing is directly connected to hers. She's the reliable and primary carer. The father has, by his own actions, rendered himself optional.

Yes to encouraging (cautiously!) contact, in a slow, steady and incremental way. Yes to doing it in that way to make sure that her son isn't too devastated if Daddy and/or the stepmother decide they've had enough at playing families and want out again, which is a definite risk. But the OP absolutely should protect herself here, because her child's welfare does, in every way, hinge on hers.

And before people make assumptions: I've never been in the OP's position. I have been in her son's position. Contact is not always a good idea. If someone sees being a parent as optional, that mindset tends to be fixed. And a parent with that mindset is a very painful thing to deal with as a child, because they are not stupid. They know that someone who loves you does not vanish for years at a time, and bob up again when they feel sentimental. It took me most of my twenties to recover and move on from that. Was my mum right to try? Absolutely. I know who my dad is, and made the choice to walk away myself. Would it be great if the dad has grown up, and the stepmother, and they are now good parents? Well, obviously, and people do change. But appearing not to understand why his mum might not want the OW's voice invading her home does not bode well for their increased insight, sensitivity, or capacity to place the needs of the child ahead of the wants of their own, does it?

DistanceCall · 10/12/2017 21:47

What matters here is your son's feelings. If he doesn't want to talk to this women, don't force him. But be neutral. If he eventually feels like talking to her now and then, don't take it as a slap in the face. Hard as it is, this is not about your feelings (or your son's father's feelings, or his wife's feelings). It's entirely about your son.

Swipe left for the next trending thread