OW wanting to facetime DS

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My ex has only just recently got back into contact with my DS (8). He has not seen him for over 5 years. He left me for OW and DS couldn't even remember his father, let alone a woman he only met a few times, before my ex decided he no longer wanted to see DS.

Anyway, i've been very good despite the fact I hate the arsehole with a passion for the way he treated DS and the lies he's told about me etc. Suggested DS FaceTime via my laptop rather than use a phone because DS talks a lot better that way and there is less chance of being cut off due to DS dropping, pressing buttons etc. Ex has seen DS 3 times in 3 months (only wants to see him once a month!) so far.

Ex has now asked if OW (now wife so not really OW anymore but wanted to give context) could facetime DS. I don't like this woman, I met her and she lied to me, as did he because they were already having an affair at that stage, she has told ex to put phone down on me when I rang and asked why he hadn't turned up to pick up DS when he first left and seems to want to push herself on my DS. I had to really fight for her not to be there when contact was first resumed between DS and Ex. Anyway I think he's taking the piss asking that. Its bad enough seeing his face on a computer screen as I'm doing my chores let alone seeing hers and hearing her speak to my DS. Thankfully DS has no interest in speaking to her over FaceTime. Ex seems to think I'm being unreasonable because we have all moved on. Yes I have got over him leaving me and I'm bloody glad he did however, this is a woman he had an affair with and I think I'm allowed to not want her face timing my child in my home.

So AIBU to feel okay with this?

Bloody hell OP you deserve a medal for your patience!

I said earlier that your son's feelings are the only ones that matter. I take that back, I should've said that you, as the lone parent who's done 100% of the donkey work for 5 years, YOU matter too. you've earned your right to have things on your terms and you're owed an enormous apology from your ex, OW and all involved. They should be grovelling to you, not sulking because she can't play pretend with your 8yo.

Hi OP

So all this is so he can get a reduction in maintenance...what a git he is!

trying to invade your privacy and there is no way I would be letting the OW talking to your son on FaceTime.

Stick a plaster over the webcam and tell your ex it's broke!!
He can still FaceTime but can only hear his voice.

If she comes on then shut the laptop!

I have just bought little webcam covers for both my macbook and iPhone! They are permanently shut cos Ive been watching too many spy movies!!

OP after reading your further posts.. Chances are he is not in it for the long haul..

You are his mum. know your ds and how best to support him.

you make the decisions he doesn't get to walk into his Ds's life and decide what is best for him after spending 10 hours with him...

I would also say if he continues to email about the same thing ignore him..

As the adult, female version of your son... you're doing great, OP.

for you and your DS.

Fucking biomum??? Biomum??? Fucking... fucking... what?!!!
Piss off splinterz, you've clearly got one wedged somewhere.

Now I've got that off my chest...
Op I think you're doing exactly the right thing. You are putting ds first, which is something that his father clearly doesn't do.

My ds hasn't seen his father in 3years- I can very much see the time when he makes his reappearance when ds is old enough to toilet, bath and generally take care of himself with minimal input. At which point, ds will behave like he does in school- terribly, terribly well- and then show his true colours when he's relaxed... and to that I say to his useless twat of a father, good luck!!

Not a fucking chance would I have the exes wife in my house, on FaceTime or otherwise. Fuck that.

Given he has only just rocked up again after 5 years of no contact, I think your ex needs to prioritise getting to know his son properly on his own before introducing his wife, regardless of her role as OW. Their (your DS and his father) relationship needs to be built gradually and be on a firm footing before overnights/introducing stepmother/new family.

The fact he is pressuring your DS to agreeing a firm date for OW/Step-mother to come says it all for me- this is less about what is best for your son and more about meeting their wants/needs in regard to this.

What reason has he given for abandoning his son, BTW?

If I'm honest, I would want a formally agreed access plan, preferably court agreed. I wouldn't trust them as I don't understand how any sensible adult could behave this way.

Never mind using the "we've all moved on"- no, OP has moved on from you and for the sake of her son has acted like a grown up by allowing you to build a relationship with the child you abandoned- that doesn't mean she has forgiven you for abandoning her and your child without so much as a second thought.

This is all so weird and unnatural...

I don't think the over night visits should start in April, they should start when your ds is ready

I don't think that your ds should have to meet the OW on the 6th visit again it should be when he is ready.

It will be hugely unsettling for your ds to have his dad, who has rejected him, suddenly back blind his life. You can't trust you're ex, who's to say he won't just drop your ds again when the novelty has worn off?

Also, face time is such a weird and unnatural way of building a relationship, it's fine for someone you know really well but awkward for anyone you don't. I would ask your son if he actually enjoys these calls or if he feels pressure to do them.

You need to protect your son, don't let them set the pace, talk to your son and monitor emotionally how he's coping. I would take it much more slowly. As for his wife, I don't think she should be on the scene until a relationship and trust has been built with his dad, which you can't put a time scale on.

Incidentally, has he paid any maintenance for your son during this 5 years? If he's serious about a relationship this would be a good place to start, with a back payment.

Your DS said no. Your ex needs to respect this.
If he pushes then walk away. Your DS is not a toy he can pick up and put down when it suits.
He "wants" to see his DS once a month? WTAF ?!

I have been living with my partner for a year. He has an 10yo son who we have every other weekend. I wouldn’t dream of facetiming him one-to-one - the closest we get to one-to-one is me making breakfast for him if I’m home from a night shift before my partner is up, or him staying in the house with me for ten minutes while my partner pops to the shop and that is after a year of living together. I am involved and do things for him as much as he likes me to but he sets the boundaries. My priority is making sure he feels comfortable and that he maintains his strong relationship with his dad - my relationship with him is secondary to that.

OP I think you are being very reasonable in saying no to OW. It’s possible she might have a closer relationship with your son in time but it needs to be on his terms and her pushing him like this won’t help. Also if she comes on really strong at the start but then loses interest he might end up feeling rejected and hurt. I think you would be quite within your rights to tell your ex that HE needs to build a relationship with your son himself first.

I think it is all really weird to be honest. I would definitely say no. There is no reason for her to be on a video call at all really, especially not a one on one. It's very odd, she has no relationship with your son (seeing him 3 times hardly counts).
I am a step-mum and see the kids regularly. But if for whatever reason my husband was video chatting with the kids I would leave him to it. If I was in the room I may say a brief hello but that would be it.
The reason for the call is so he can talk to his dad not her. She should also be sensitive to the fact that you will find it uncomfortable because she has no relationship with your son and because she was the OW. She is not showing any respect for you and is forcing herself on your child a bit too by doing this.
It's fine for her to naturally build up some sort of relationship with your son when he is with her and his dad. But that is different, it is in not in your home on your time.

Tbh what sort of person chooses not to see their son for 5 years and then comes back demanding Video chats and only wants to see their child once a month. Very odd

I think his father needs to first build a relationship with his son before he reintroduces his new wife which DS doesn’t remember.

It needs to be gradual contact and needs to put DS’s interests at the centre which means putting everyone else’s feelings aside. If DS doesn’t wish to speak to her that’s his choice and he shouldn’t be forced to

I wonder if the Dad's new wife has FaceTime sessions with the 14 year old daughter?
What is she going to be chatting about to an eight year old boy who hardly knows her?

It all reeks of him trying to control you clippity.

I get what you're saying here and think contact ought to be weekly to be able to build that relationship but how long does he keep her seperate?she may actually be a positive influence on your ex building this relationship with his son

YANBU.

The focus has to be on your ex proving to your child that he is going to be a permanent fixture in his life from now on. This is going to take time. I’d say a year, minimum. Just spent donor and DC. Then if he managed that, then a conversation can happen about OW and extended paternal family. This is about your child feeling safe and secure and seeing who HE wants to see, not who they want him to see.

Side bar: my DC is almost 3, hasn’t seen STBXH since she was newborn - again his choice - my solicitor told me if he decides he wants to see DC, he’d likely be told short bursts of supervised contact for a minimum of 6 months and then another 6 months of short bursts with CAFCASS involved in making sure ExH has what DC needs at his home. It’ll never happen because he’s an utter tosser but I wanted to prepare myself he starts with it when he’s served the divorce papers.

SplinterZ
'As ever this shouldn't be about whatever the biomum want, it should be about what is best for the child. If the father is making strides to build a relationship, that will also include his spouse and wider family'

But yet it can be about what the absent father wants, even though the child doesn't want a relationship with his wife yet? Why does the wants of the absent father override those of the child and his mother?

When I looked into this I was told by various people that it would probably be supervised visits for a while and then overnights. For the first 2 times it was in my house. No way was I letting him take him out anywhere plus he only gave me his address on his second visit because DS told him there was no way I was letting him go out with him unless he gave it to me LOL. However, after the first visit he said DS that he would take him swimming next time. Cue DS asking me in front of his Dad if he could go swimming and me being stood going to DS 'we've discussed this haven't we DS and how I feel about this and whats best for you' all very manipulative by ex.

In the end I compromised and said half and half for the next visit. Its very difficult when its actually happening to be very forceful in these situations because I will, for whatever reason, look the like the bad person. Ex is very good like that.

My DS spent 3 years wanting to have his last name changed to mine and I eventually relented and had him known as my last name. One FaceTime from his Dad who said he is never going to call him that name and DS is saying thats fine. I had 3 years of him crying that his last name wasn't mine, 3 bloody years! I feel like I'm already losing my DS to him. Its very heartbreaking for me that has slogged my guts out working full time, getting him to various activities etc. Not having a life and rarely buying anything for myself so that DS has a really fun life to have ex walk in and be the hero.

In regards to the weekends if DS isn't happy with them, then he's not going thats that. I've always said to DS that this is to be done at his pace not mine and certainly not his dads. Ideally it would be over a much longer time but in reality it would be such a huge battle and I really don't want to go to court. Everything will be turned onto me, he's very good at presenting a certain image than I am.

There was a few emails between me and his first wife a few years ago and basically she was saying how uncomfortable her daughter feels in going to their house or the weekends she spends with him because the new wife is always there and very forceful about things. Think along the lines of being very negative about first wife and asking what her DD wanted from contact etc. I am very doubtful she will be a good influence, anyone that wants to force there way into my DS life like this is not a decent person in my eyes. I have repeatedly told her in the past to back the fuck off and keep her nose out. We are talking weeks after he left me for her, her wanting to be there at contact. There when he picked him before he decided to not see him anymore.

bigsunny he doesn't want weekly contact. Only once a month and out of all the school holidays he only wants 4 extra days. Its not me preventing contact. I think its bloody easy to manage one face time a week without her sticking her nose in which at this point of the relationship she is.

AdaColeman it is all about control, which is why when I've put down time frames etc it has been one huge battle and when he hasn't got his own way he's stropped off. I think because this is the 4th year in a row i've been consistent and literally said its this way or court and trust me you won't look very good to a court right now after 5 years of no contact, he relented.