To think that NRP should not do all the driving?

[Marissa2727]

AIBU to think that the non resident parent should not have to do all of the pick up and drop offs when they have the DC?

At the moment DH has his DC 3 days week. The drive is around 30 mins each way depending on who he is picking them up from or dropping them off to.

For some background the DCs mum does not do much driving herself. Her partner takes them to school despite her working by the school and him working further away. Either my husband or another relative pick them up from school. She picks them up from the relative later on her days and my Dh or I drop them off on his days. She refuses to do any of the journeys as she says that it is my DH responsibility as she does all the driving on her days (although this is not really true!). She will not even pick up the next day when we have them overnight.
He doesn't necessarily even want her to do half of the driving, just to do some every now and again but she refuses this.

So in one evening he will do 2 hours driving. 30 mins to pick up, 30 mins back with kids, then 30 mins to drop off and 30 mins back home again.

Hmm I see her point if her or her dp transport on her days then your dh should transport on his days...

I don't get why he's doing 2 hours Driving in one evening though, are they not staying over?

Well I am a RP. You think I should do all the driving on my days, then do school runs/drop offs etc on ex-H's days?

That's nonsense. YABU.

My ex-MIL does most of the driving. Ex pays minimum maintence, as and when he wants, which doesn't cover basic expenses including clubs, driving to and from clubs etc and I'm not adding more petrol money on given those circumstances.
Whether ex compensates exMIL is none of my business.

When exMIL cannot drive myself and my partner do it because ex refuses to spend his money on public transport.9

Who moved 30 mins away as I think that would have a bearing on who does the majority of the driving.

Yeah why is he doing 4 trips an evening?

you sound a bit like my ex's partner - she bang on about this constantly - but on the 2 evenings he has them he ONLY picks them up once - and does their tea (as I am at work) - this is unacceptable to her, and he does 2 school drop offs - I do all the rest and pay the CM, school dinners etc

when I am not responsible for the kids it's his job to sort the arrangements not mine

I expect my ex to collect and drop off the children when he has had them.

He chose to leave, and he chose to live where he does so that is just how it is

Who moved away?

The "who moved" is a bit of a red herring as when a relationship breaks down someone has to move

My XH and I live close together and have quite flexible arrangements. We have a rule of thumb: whoever has them, takes them to next place (school, other house, club, event...)

In your case, it's relevant who moved away.

What isn't relevant is how much driving she does vs her boyfriend when they're not with dad. None of your business.

It sounds like he should review the arrangement though. Why is he taking them back the same day? Just arrange contact in more practical blocks.

They don't have to move half an hour away though?

If you choose to live that far from your kids then you have to put up with driving that far to see them

I don't think who moved is a red herring.
It depends on the details.
Some parents don't have a lot of choice where they move to - might need a cheaper area to run two homes. So in that case I wouldn't "penalise" for moving, and I'd share the driving.
If my XH could have stayed local but chose not to, his issue.

I agree with others. Who moved is a key question.

So he picks them up has them for the evening and then drops them home? How often does he do that vs having them overnight?

I have dd 24/7 apart from Monday's (no overnights, she sleeps in my house 7 nights a week).

I have never done drop off and pick ups - I refused from the start over 2 years ago. Sounds like I am a bitch, by in the grand scheme of things exdp does very little on the parenting front. Never has to wake up at silly o'clock on his days off, never gets up in the middle of the night, never has to organise anything, do the mountains of washing, cover childcare, clean up vomit etc etc etc, so therefore he can collect her and drop her off. I have enough to do. The other day she vomited whilst with him, I got handed back a bag of clothes, and had to bath her as he hadn't thought to get the sick out of her long thick hair which had now dried in and was full of big bits of sick!!!!!

Now I am working it would be a nightmare for me to pick her up (I can't drop her off to him as he collects from school), would involve me getting bus home from work (I can't afford parking so bus only option)and then whilst still in rush hour head back towards town centre to collect her. We would be lucky to make it home for 7pm, and she is in bed usually by 6.50!

My ex does all the picking up and dropping off because he is the one who left and moved away, initially he lived abroad so did not see DC much but when he moved back to the UK he moved an hour away from us for no other reason than his new gf preferred to live there.
He would get very short shrift from me if he even thought I should be sharing the driving.
That being said I would probably do it for their sakes if the DC wanted to see him and he was being an arse about it. It's not really your business how much she drives when she has her DC and if your DH was the one who moved away maybe that's why she feels he should be the one to do the pick ups.

I think you're probably speculating on what goes on in terms of her routine with her DC, and that's not going to help you because you sound quite negative towards her (what does it matter that her DP drops the DCs off despite her working closer to the school - that has no bearing on your life at all, does it?).

The who-moved thing doesn't count for us; I chose to move 30 minutes away from Ex, he collects sometimes and I drop off sometimes; we try to keep it flexible and fair between us because neither of us wants to do it all. I think if your DH is unhappy HE has to be the one to change things and organise a new routine.

However, I think the NRP (if they see the DC less often than the RP) should be willing to put themselves out more. Expecting another person to raise your DC but also to make your life easier isn't really what parenting is about.

It's not a red herring. It might have recently changed but a few years ago this was also considered and put into contact agreements. My ex-was pissed because he had to pay for my travel to him to facilitate his contact.

someone made a conscientious decision to move 30 minutes drive away. When this person moved contact should have been taken into
consideration logistically.

There are also many reasons why they have their current arrangements -
Working patterns meaning who it's easier to take the children.
The children wanting the stepdad to take them
Mum not a confident driver
Relative picking up because erm, mum and step dad are working
Costs - maybe they cannot afford to run 2 cars all the time.
Plus many other reasons not mentioned,

You want her to do the driving on her days as well as either organise it or do it on her days? Unreasonable.

I'm the RP and I do half the driving for access. XH lives an hour away, his choice where to move, although as a PP pointed out, one parent does have to move.

In the main, we have a very good relationship, he is a loving Dad, pays generous maintenance and is a supportive co-parent.

I realise that I am very lucky in this respect, so I am happy to meet him half way to save him a two hour round trip.

I think a strong dose of commonsense on both sides is helpful in these situations, though obviously it's often not possible... for e.g. With my DSD my DH did all the driving to and fro 99% of the time, but in return his ex-w was at home after school for DSD to wander back there first and get a drink before DH picked her up, as he couldn't leave work until 4pm and had a 30 min drive. Things often cut both ways, it's just not always obvious.

YABU

It sounds like you don't like her very much OP - perhaps you have your reasons, or perhaps you have decided to make it a point of policy that your DH's ex must be some kind of unreasonable cow. But if this is the worst you can say about her (you think she ought to be helping your DH when it's his turn to parent his children, plus a few vague insinuations that she is lazy, and leaves her children longer at their relatives than you think she ought to) then you are scraping the barrel a bit.

If he thinks she ought to do some of the driving on his days, does he offer to do some of the driving on her days?

Who moved is a red-herring.

Surely on your contact days you parent. You're still a parent whether you're resident or not.

Which includes school runs, picking up etc etc

it should be split evening, my DP had this issue before i was on the scene - constantly driving round everywhere for them (ie football practice etc) even though it would have made sense for her to take since they are with her. I told him he needs to sort it because he was exhausting himself working all day then ferrying kids around even on her days. We now have a good routine which is basically whoevers house the kids are at is who does the driving - so she brings them to us weekend and we drop them back sunday night, football practice is her job as its her day and matches are split between the two of them. it isnt really fair to expect one parent to do all the driving about regardless of who is RP