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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that NRP should not do all the driving?

97 replies

Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 14:38

AIBU to think that the non resident parent should not have to do all of the pick up and drop offs when they have the DC?

At the moment DH has his DC 3 days week. The drive is around 30 mins each way depending on who he is picking them up from or dropping them off to.

For some background the DCs mum does not do much driving herself. Her partner takes them to school despite her working by the school and him working further away. Either my husband or another relative pick them up from school. She picks them up from the relative later on her days and my Dh or I drop them off on his days. She refuses to do any of the journeys as she says that it is my DH responsibility as she does all the driving on her days (although this is not really true!). She will not even pick up the next day when we have them overnight.
He doesn't necessarily even want her to do half of the driving, just to do some every now and again but she refuses this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 22:39

If he just suddenly said he was having them overnight she just wouldn't let him have them obviously!
He did act, she ignored it again and followed it when it suited her. The courts don't really care, heavy bias in favour of mums.
And where is the money for this coming from? After he spends over a third of his net income on the kids. He has to be able to afford to keep a roof over his head, car etc and live himself.

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 09/12/2017 22:41

So, you are actually pissed off at your partner because he won’t do anything about it, says he is happy with it but you end up doing some/most/a little bit (it seems to change) of the driving.

Simple solution, if he is happy with it but you are not, then stop doing it. Not sure why his ex is responsible for settling an argument between you and your partner.

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 22:56

No I'm not annoyed with my partner.

Read the posts back and I said I often do it or contribute to it so not sure where you have got that from. It varies depending on the week with work schedules etc.

I clarified this before. He is not happy doing all of the driving, he accepts doing the majority of it. Doing all of it is very difficult with his work.

Ok so I'll stop doing any driving. This won't mean that she will start doing any. It will probably mean he will either lose his job to see the kids or see the kids less.

OP posts:
RosemaryHoight · 10/12/2017 01:44

This makes for uncomfortable reading.

Before you met him who did the driving?

Casmama · 10/12/2017 01:57

Just reading the title I knew this was going to be a sm posting. You can have all the chat you like on this thread but ultimately you knew you were getting into a complex situation and one you can have very little influence on. Your DH needs to sort it out with his ex and you either facilitate where he can’t or you don’t but you don’t get to control what she does and this shouldn’t be news to you.

Frusso · 10/12/2017 02:05

But also I am doing some of the driving for her children when she refuses. So why is it my job and not hers? you are asking the wrong question. You are not doing her driving, you are doing his driving. Whether she drives them anywhere or nowhere is irrelevant. His time his driving. It is also irrelevant to her whether you or dp do the driving. You need to be asking why is it your job and non his.

cakeymccakington · 10/12/2017 07:36

She wouldn't just stop him having them. If he's picking them up from school what is she going to do?

I know court is expensive. But that is the only way you will get this sorted. Sorry

cakeymccakington · 10/12/2017 07:56

Or... he picks them up from school as normal and says to her "I'll keep them overnight as that's easier. Unless you want to pick them up?"

According to your op she won't c want tp bother so problem solved.

Or if she does then she will do the driving. Also problem solved

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/12/2017 07:59

I think cakey has the solution here.

Ellisandra · 10/12/2017 08:04

I am always Hmm about these women that supposedly get such a good deal financially in the divorce, and the ex husband's get skinned.

It's just nothing I've ever seen in real life.

What I have seen, is men complain they've been skinned when an XW has been awarded more than 50% of assets, but has the children and has previously been part time / SAHP.

My friend's XH was part of my social group (a friend of my then H) so I heard all his bleating. Oh, everyone knew that she had got the house, all of it!

Except the actual truth was she got 70%, and voluntarily didn't touch his extremely valuable pension.

Out of interest, did your husband have a PSO?

My XH cheated on me, so believe me I have no sympathy for your H's XW. But my experience is that actually, courts do not fleece the husband.

I simply do not believe that he doesn't have the money to go back to court (he can self represent anyway) to request overnights. If he has 3 days of just picking up and having to drive back with no overnight, the court is going to give him overnights.

He had the money to get married again. Are you telling me he spent less on his wedding than his court fees would have cost?

You said that his salary has increased since he split. He could have spent that increase on legal costs.

When he split, he was single. Now he's married - he's sharing living costs with you. Could have used that saved money for legal costs.

Are you telling me he hasn't been on holiday?

I'm not sounding it, but to you OP, I am sympathetic.

But - this is a husband problem not an XW problem.

She might be an utter bitch, but the person causing you to do all the driving is him.

He hasn't even tried to sort it out.

Ellisandra · 10/12/2017 08:16

Oh dear.
The joys of advanced search.

So, your prince of an arsehole husband:

  • tells you off like a child for not finishing your dinner, and threatens not to buy you chicken again
  • tells you off for using your phone when he wants you to watch TV with him
  • shouts at you and scares you
  • flicks the light off on you and storms out of the room because you're not doing what he wants
  • expects you to go to bed at the same time he goes, not when you want to go

All of a sudden, I'm slightly more understanding of the XW cheating on and then leaving him. She shouldn't have cheated, but I'm now actually thinking "go her!" over the leaving. And if it took an exit affair to get her to realise that there are decent men out there... well, so be it.

Love, forget about the kids and driving for now, and have a chat with Women's Aid Flowers

He doesn't like women, so I'm taking an even bigger pinch of salt over his claims that she got all the money Hmm (as above, would love to know if that included a PSO, as IME the mouthy fleeced men types conveniently forget that!)

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 10/12/2017 08:58

@Ellisandra he didn't pay anything for the wedding. My parents covered it. So that point isn't valid.
When they split he lived with his parents. He was trying to save to get somewhere on his own. He worked out that if he saved really hard he would have had enough to get a small 1 bedroom flat after 7 years of living with parents. The only reason he was able to get a house sooner was because of me.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 10/12/2017 09:00

You know that none of that makes him sound any better?

Ellisandra · 10/12/2017 09:05

Please tell me that you have a deed of trust regarding ownership of the house and prenuptial to at least try to protect your home when it's your turn to realise that you don't want to be in this abusive marriage?

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 10/12/2017 09:06

@Ellisandra they were addressing the petty points that you made. I won't take advice from someone who thinks it's good that his ex-wife cheated on him Hmmanyway. Also someone who thinks that it is great that women get to cheat and get everything and call all the shots. Can you imagine the uproar if this was a man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marissa2727 · 10/12/2017 09:08

@Ellisandra you are so rude. I am not in an abusive marriage. Came here for advice and now being torn to shreds. Lovely Mumsnet

OP posts:
cakeymccakington · 10/12/2017 09:10

But she doesn't get to call all the shots.

If he has PR he has just a much "right" to the children as she does.
If he has done nothing to ensure he gets contact that's really up to him isn't it?

He is enabling her unreasonable behaviour. If you want it to change then you have no choice but to find the money for solicitors/court

cakeymccakington · 10/12/2017 09:12

Oh and if Ellisandras post outlining your previous posts is true then tbh that IS abusive behaviour

JacquesHammer · 10/12/2017 09:16

and call all the shots

If by "calling the shots" you mean she doesn't drive when it's your DP's contact, then sure.

I am sensing there isn't an issue over court fees at all. I don't think your DP wants more contact; there are processes set up to fix this. Hiding behind "can't afford it" isn't the mark of a decent father

Creature2017 · 10/12/2017 09:17

Ignore nasty comments above. First of all he is a good man for making the effort to see his children and this is the way he will keep up a relationship with them. (My chidlren's father hardly ever sees them).

Secondly, sometimes things are just very unfair (I pay 100% for my children and have them all nights a year - it's not fair but just now it is - quiet acceptance can be better for you psychologically in my view often when things are bad and you cannot change them).

I think he just needs to accept that the driving is how it is and yes 2 hours in a day is bad although no worse than for many of us who commute an hour to full time work and back every day. When the children are in the car he can talk to them - my father did - he drove us to school 30 mins or 20 mins every day until we were 18 and it was acutally useful chatting, bonding time. Secondly his drives back home without them well that's 30 minutes in the car alone, relaxing, radio on, thinking. Not the end of the world.
I think he just needs to accept it.

I was going to say move right near her but it sounds like his own place is in a nicer area and nearer his parents so it makes sense to live in the house you have enabled him to buy.

Have they got final court consent order by the way on their finance which was sealed by the court? So many people fail to get that.

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 10/12/2017 09:20

Thanks @Creature2017 that seems like good advice. Yes they have a consent order.

OP posts:
Goodclearout · 10/12/2017 09:21

30 minutes driving each way doesn’t seem much to me. That’s not even across town in my area. My exh lived about that much drive away and it didn’t bother me or the children.

Ellisandra · 10/12/2017 09:24

@Marissa2727 my posts have been sympathetic to you

The only tearing to shreds is directed at a man who told you off like a toddler for not finishing their dinner and shouted at you.

Why is it petty to suggest that actually, he probably can afford the court fees?

I didn't say that it's good his XW cheated. In fact, I clearly said she shouldn't have. I just said that if she had an exit affair that helped her out of an abusive marriage, then I wouldn't vilify her. And I say that as someone whose own XH was a cheat.

I have not been rude to you.
I feel really sorry for you.

You've believed the "XW got everything" trope (PSO?) and you've believed the "I can't afford to sort out Access" line too.

And now you're married to a man who treats you like shit, has now got a legal interest in your home, and expects you to pick up the taxiing round of his kids.

Believe me, I'm on your side here and worried about you. I won't post further because you are very defensive and I can see that I came on far too strong, I'm sorry about that.

But keep your wits about you, yes? Flowers

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 10/12/2017 09:24

@Goodclearout well I guess it's what you are used to. I think 2 hours driving is a lot in one evening after work.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 10/12/2017 09:25

Well given what you've apparently posted before I think the driving is the least of the issue. I can see why the ex might not want overnight contact.

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