To think that NRP should not do all the driving?

[Marissa2727]

AIBU to think that the non resident parent should not have to do all of the pick up and drop offs when they have the DC?

At the moment DH has his DC 3 days week. The drive is around 30 mins each way depending on who he is picking them up from or dropping them off to.

For some background the DCs mum does not do much driving herself. Her partner takes them to school despite her working by the school and him working further away. Either my husband or another relative pick them up from school. She picks them up from the relative later on her days and my Dh or I drop them off on his days. She refuses to do any of the journeys as she says that it is my DH responsibility as she does all the driving on her days (although this is not really true!). She will not even pick up the next day when we have them overnight.
He doesn't necessarily even want her to do half of the driving, just to do some every now and again but she refuses this.

@Ellisandra but you have made a lot of assumptions that simply aren't true. I have seen the documents, she did get pretty much everything. He had no choice but to live with his parents and he was devastated.
You are making the assumption that he can afford this . He actually can't right now. Maybe in time.

Not replying anymore on here had enough of being bashed and not subjecting myself to it anymore.

Some of the driving is to pick them up from school though. How far away is that?

I'm not disputing that she got "pretty much everything" - although you're keeping quiet about the PSO that can often be more than equal to house equity.

Women with children and the majority childcare often choose or have to choose the short term gain of house over pension.

Just because a woman gets even 100% of asssts doesn't mean that's unfair. The court looks at the needs of the children first. As they have a CO, this has been approved by the court. The courts really don't routinely screw men over, or allow women to do so. She may have got the house - but perhaps the pay rise he got after the split only happened because he worked full time and developed his career whilst she enabled that by caring for their kids?

I don't have an axe to grind here. I took about 20% of our marital assets against legal advice because I didn't feel morally entitled to some business related assets. I also don't claim £400 a month CM that I'm entitled to.

I don't believe in anyone getting screwed in a divorce - that shouldn't be allowed.

But I also have a big face for men who complain they have been - because the devil in the detail says that they haven't been.

You're not being bashed, he is.

@Ellisandra don't know why you want to know this but fwiw she worked full time, they earned the same amount, similar pension etc.

I don't want to know - I'm suggesting that in my experience it's unusual for a court to seal a CO that's blatantly unfair to one party and I'm dubious when men (it's always men in my experience) claim that it is!

Maybe his was unfair.

But what matters to your issue now, is that the way to fix this is:

• tell his XW he wants overnights, not to save on driving but because he wants a family life that includes those
• be prepared to go to court if she refuses

I do not believe that a man working full time, who has a pay rise so not NMW, who has shared living costs with another person working full time cannot make sacrifices in his budget to enable him to afford something as important as this.

Ergo: it's not as important to him as it is to you.

And I am sorry, that I came on too aggressively about him. Your other thread made me red for you. Here you are, posting for advice to make his life easier and it return he treats you like that

@Ellisandra that's ok he was an absolute plonker the other night to be fair.
He will try but it takes time to build up savings. After tax, pension, maintenance, child costs, bills, car etc there is not a lot left.

@Ellisandra also he doesn't want to piss her off too much. It would be much better if they could actually get along.

Tbh in his position I'd be chucking it all on a credit card in order to get proper access.

I think he needs to be very clear with her that they can either sort this out sensibly or he WILL take it through court again.

@cakey perhaps that is what we should do. Will have to have a look and see what the options are. Although a bit pointless if she just ignores it. But this thread has made it more clear that he should really be able to have them overnight more.

How often does he have them overnight?

If you choose to live that far from your kids then you have to put up with driving that far to see them

Some people have no option but to move to a more affordable area. The NRP tends to hand over a large proportion of their income for the RP to upkeep accommodation for the off spring.

What about if the RP moves away and the NRP still has to do all the driving. That's what happened in our situation and DSS's mum's view was that if DH didn't do all the driving then he wouldn't get to see his son. I think in the best scenarios, both parents work together to come up with a fair solution that facilitates contact between the children and both parents but the fact remains that some parents don't manage to arrange that which can be down to the behaviour of the RP, NRP or both. There does always seem to be an assumption on MN though that the NRP is always the one in the wrong.

The NRP tends to hand over a large proportion of their income for the RP to upkeep accommodation for the off spring.

A large proportion? Have you seen the CSA calculations? I guarantee most RP spend a far larger proportion of their income on the children than most NRP ever do.

Ok so I'll stop doing any driving. This won't mean that she will start doing any. It will probably mean he will either lose his job to see the kids or see the kids less
Or, he will do what he should be and challenge his ex in the courts to get overnights rather than moaning about the costs. How much do you spend on 2 hrs of driving 3 times a week? That can’t be cheap.

Op I now remember your previous threads. Your husband sounds like an arse, god knows how he treated his ex (not good that she cheated but I can see why she wanted out). People that bully grown adults like that tend to bully children too, maybe she doesn't trust him to have them overnight?

He can self represent in court if it is as straight forward as ahe wants them with her and there are no issues then he will walk it in court by himself.

He's not moaning about the costs, he will pay it he just doesn't have it atm. That's why I said we will look into options e.g a loan or see if he can self represent. It's all well and good saying go to court but he has to think about preserving the relationship with his ex wife as well. He needs to talk to her more about her reasons for not wanting them to stay over more I think.
Also he does not in any way bully his kids and is probably too soft on them if anything. I cannot believe that this is being said. He is a very nice dad and they enjoy their time with him. They are very confident children who could definitely stand up for themselves if he said anything out of line, which he definitely has not. If anything like that ever happened fwiw I would intervene and tell their mother.

But sometimes you reach a point where it's clear that you can't preserve a relationship with the other parent. It's sad,and it's not ideal but it might be unavoidable if he wants more overnights and less travel (which wouldn't be unreasonable)

I would definitely go down the road of saying that he'll keep them overnight unless she wants to come and collect them.
That might be a push enough to sort it out at least partly

Point taken @cakey I think that is good advice. Have talked to him and he will take it from here. Not my place to really talk to her about it unless she actively talks to me, which she sometimes does