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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that NRP should not do all the driving?

97 replies

Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 14:38

AIBU to think that the non resident parent should not have to do all of the pick up and drop offs when they have the DC?

At the moment DH has his DC 3 days week. The drive is around 30 mins each way depending on who he is picking them up from or dropping them off to.

For some background the DCs mum does not do much driving herself. Her partner takes them to school despite her working by the school and him working further away. Either my husband or another relative pick them up from school. She picks them up from the relative later on her days and my Dh or I drop them off on his days. She refuses to do any of the journeys as she says that it is my DH responsibility as she does all the driving on her days (although this is not really true!). She will not even pick up the next day when we have them overnight.
He doesn't necessarily even want her to do half of the driving, just to do some every now and again but she refuses this.

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 09/12/2017 15:45

Maybe she was tired of doing a lot of the driving, and was tired from ferrying them around 5/6 days a week, parenting them and working.

RavingRoo · 09/12/2017 15:49

The non resident parent should do the driving, as the kids aren’t living with them so they have to do some parenting type activity. Otherwise what’s the point?

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 16:40

Don't see how this is relevant but as people keep asking. She cheated on my husband with her current partner (one of his friends), kicked him out and divorced him. He had to move in with his parents 30 mins away as he could not afford to go anywhere else.

She kept the house and nearly all equity in it. He pays a substantial amount of maintenance to her as he earns more now and has always paid this. He has also always regularly seen the children.

She then sold the house and moved closer to this relative with her new partner. In time we were then also able to get a house together. My husband did not want to live close to her new house it is not a very nice area or close to our families.

We do not have them overnight more because she will not allow it, she feels that they need to be with her. I am not particularly keen on her no, she has made our lives difficult in many ways. She is also nasty to my DH. But again don't see how that's relevant.

Love how people say it's none of my business when I am often the one doing the driving! My husband also has to work. She is not as some people suggest fed up of doing the driving because she barely does any. The relative lives 5 minutes from her and that is the only driving she does in the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 16:44

Don't get the point about driving as a parenting type activity. He is happy to do the majority of this driving, every now and then it would be nice if she could do some. A lot of the kids time with their dad is then spent in the car with him.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 09/12/2017 16:45

So why hasn't he challenged her for proper overnight contact?

selfishcrab · 09/12/2017 16:50

If he's happy why are you making it an issue?
My DSS even before he came to live with us was collected, driven around, returned by us (who ever was free).
Now he lives with us (9) years I still do it for him.
As long as the NRP gets to see their child who gives a fuck who does the driving?

Inertia · 09/12/2017 16:51

How old are the children? If they're babies/ toddlers (especially if they're breastfed)I can see why she might have a case for them only being with her overnight. If they're (say) 14 and 16, harder to justify.

Perhaps your DH could suggest that he collects the children one evening, keeps them overnight and drops them at school the following morning?

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 16:57

They are not babies.
He has challenged her about having them overnight, she will generally not allow it.
He's not happy to do all of the driving, I said he was happy to do the majority of it. But again this is with my contribution to it and I am not particularly happy about having to do it either, especially when she is not nice to us. Surely if it's not her job then it's certainly not mine! Dh will obviously do anything to see his kids so he's going to do the driving when she says she will not. The reality is though he works long hours and is exhausted!

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 09/12/2017 17:00

So he needs to think about taking her to court to get the sort of contact he desires

confusedlittleone · 09/12/2017 17:00

If he's not happy with the current arrangement and she's being difficult then he needs to look into mediation/court options then doesn't he

confusedlittleone · 09/12/2017 17:01

It's also between you and your DH to sort if he's making you do more of the driving for His kids then you are ok with

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 17:01

We can't afford to go to court at the moment. Plus she has ignored court orders in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 17:04

I know that is between me and my Dh but what can I do really...say no? He would not be able to see his kids then. Surely if I wrote a thread like that on here I would get slated even more than I am on here!

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 09/12/2017 17:09

Then it's a choice for her of doing more driving or letting them stay overnight. I don't suppose that will go down well.

How old are the kids? Are they keen to see more of their dad?

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 17:12

They are junior school age. They love seeing their dad and me (although I know I don't count... none of my business bla bla bla)

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 09/12/2017 17:12

Mother of DSD moved a significant distance away and yet my DH still does all the driving and swallows the extra fuel costs despite it not being his choice to be that distance away. It’s not fair but if he didn’t he wouldn’t see his DD so no other choice

Whizziwig · 09/12/2017 17:13

I used to find this annoying. DH's ex ended the relationship and moved 30 minutes away. A few years later she moved even further away, about 45 minutes. I don't think she dropped DSS off or picked him up more than a handful of times in 15 years. She wouldn't even meet half way and would sometimes want DH to drop DSS off at his grandparents, even further away. Of course he did it because he wanted to see his son but it cost a lot in petrol. DH always paid well over CSA minimum and she was a higher earner than him so it wasn't as if she couldn't have afforded to do the journey a handful of times.

BrizzleDrizzle · 09/12/2017 17:31

We moved away but the NRP does the driving. If they hadn't refused to let us stay in the family home even though they were leaving to live with OW then we'd be living just down the road and no driving would have been necessary. As it was, they refused, we couldn't afford a house in the part of the country we were in at the time so we had to move whether we liked it or not.

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 17:46

Wondering whether she doesn't want him to have them overnight that often because she thinks maintenance will go down. Better for her to get full maintenance and him do pick up dinner, homework etc take them home.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 09/12/2017 17:52

We always did all of the collections and drop backs for my DSS when we lived 15 minutes away, 30 minutes away and 2 hours away. It can be wearing and obviously eats into the weekends but it was what it was and we did it because we wanted to see DSS.

Your DH should go through the courts for proper access to his children. I am not sure why he isn't.

mummyrabbitpeppapig · 09/12/2017 17:56

My DP then wife cheated then moved 1/2 hour away. ( Her choice ) He does 99% of the driving.

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 17:58

@Allthebestnamesareused he hasn't because he doesn't have the money to do so. Also she has ignored court orders in the past and so it would be a waste of time and money. Basically she will do what she wants and he has to follow her rules or he won't get to see them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marissa2727 · 09/12/2017 19:11

@WhooooAmI24601 that doesn't have a bearing on our life but it does set the scene and show that her argument that she does all the driving in her time is not actually true.
That's good for you but she cheated with this guy, kicked DH out, moved new partner in, divorced DH then moved further away herself and had more children.
Yes 'HE' has tried, she refuses, I have not tried because it's not 'my place'. But also I am doing some of the driving for her children when she refuses. So why is it my job and not hers?
Exactly though, that's what I was saying she doesn't actually see them more than he does because she relies a lot on other people. On the days he doesn't have them they are with relatives/new partner and stay over with them regularly.
Lots of very judgmental people on here. Guessing they are ex-wives whose husbands left them. Not the case here, she cheated, kicked him out, divorced him, left him broke and gets a lot of money out of him. It's not always 'oh poor woman, bad man'.

OP posts:
cakeymccakington · 09/12/2017 22:11

Ok well before court they would have to go through mediation anyway.
A court WILL grant him overnight access so she would be silly to let it get as far as court anyway.

So I would suggest that he tells her he will have them overnight and then just does it.
If he has parental responsibility he is perfectly entitled to do this.

cakeymccakington · 09/12/2017 22:13

Also if she's ignored court orders in the past then he should have acted and got that sorted.

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