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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL (yup another one of those threads)

87 replies

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 19:24

So I'm pregnant with twins and this week I've hit a wall. I've been quite poorly. Been to Drs this week. Extreme tiredness too. I'm super big (look full term) everything has suddenly become real hard. Can no longer lift toddler, walking causing pain etc.

Husband has been pressured to go visit his mum who lives a flight away. I am so cross with him. It's for 3 days! And I have a toddler to look after too! I am so worried about being left alone with toddler.

He says he's torn as he needs to go visit his mum and his grandparents (even guilting me by saying they might die).

I think now is not the time! And I think she should be more understanding.

Reasons it annoys me:
-She chose to move there knowing that she would not see her kids as much. She did the move after a divorce. And it was for selfish reasons. I could never abandon my kids in the way she has.
-We can't afford it
-3 days is a jolly as far as I'm concerned. I said imagine if I left you for a 3 day jolly.
-we don't get on. She's extremely selfish and doesn't think of me has told me that it would "mean a lot to her if he could go"
-whilst I've been poorly husband has been doing all the jobs and childcare and he's finding it really hard. Yet he has no concern for how I will find it.

Aibu to think he should just not go. Aibu to think she should not insist on him travelling up there.

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 08/12/2017 19:26

If he has to go, he should take the toddler with him!

Kraggle · 08/12/2017 19:29

How far along are you? If it’s not close to your due date I’d say he could go as long as he took the toddler with him.

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 19:29

Unfortunately (and this is a whole other thread) I don't trust her with him. She's like a child herself. She and I disagree about a number of things and I fear she would not follow my wishes. Husband will bend over backwards for his mum. E.g. She told him not to vaccinate toddler as government are poisoning them. Husband just said "okay mum" because he didn't want to confront her.

OP posts:
ladystarkers · 08/12/2017 19:30

Why isnt he takjng the toddler?

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 19:31

I'm 22 weeks along but it's twins and I'm having a rough ride (see my other thread about being in agony with piles) Sad

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 08/12/2017 19:31

Suggest he gets Skype set up.

lurkingnotlurking · 08/12/2017 19:33

He shouldn't go. He should put your health and wellbeing first.

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 19:35

He's up there now for bedtime shouting at naughty toddler. He's getting really stressed. It's just normal toddler behaviour but it's bloody hard on your own completely for 3 days.

OP posts:
pictish · 08/12/2017 19:38

I appreciate that you're not at your peak best atm but I think he should go. Sorry. You might not like her but he does...he loves her. It's three days so not long.

Plus, your beef if you choose to have it, should be with him not your mil. She can invite her son to visit if she likes. If he chooses to visit her and you don't like it, be mad at him, not her. Not that I think you should be mad...just that it's him that is obligated to you, not your mil.

Mumof56 · 08/12/2017 19:39

I could never abandon my kids in the way she has Her adult children (I presume he is an adult if you are pregnant with his child) Hmm

3 days is a jolly as far as I'm concerned. I said imagine if I left you for a 3 day jolly one day flight and arrive, one day there, one day leave and fly. Not an unreasonable amount of time. How short a visit would you prefer?

we don't get on
She's not expecting you to go Confused

YABU

Ragwort · 08/12/2017 19:42

Why are you cross with your MIL and not your DH - he should just have the balls to say 'sorry Mum, it's not convenient at the moment, I will let you know when I can plan a visit'. End of.

It sounds as though he wants to go.

PenelopePickle · 08/12/2017 19:43

YANBU In not wanting him to go but YWBU If you actually tried to stop him.

It’s his Mum and grandparents. Regardless of your feeling towards them, they are part of his family.

(I’m 26 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 4, 3 and nearly 2 year old so I do understand your struggles, I really do Flowers)

pictish · 08/12/2017 19:43

"-She chose to move there knowing that she would not see her kids as much. She did the move after a divorce. And it was for selfish reasons. I could never abandon my kids in the way she has."

I agree this statement is a bit baffling. He is a grown man and she has moved away...she has not 'abandoned' him.

Cantspell2 · 08/12/2017 19:44

He should go and take the toddler with him.
I hope the yes mum to no vaccination was just lip service and you vaccinated anyway. I often agree with my parent to her face but as soon as she is out of ear shot do want I want anyway. It’s how you keep everyone happy and thought most do it at some time or another.

pootlepootle · 08/12/2017 19:53

(I’m 26 weeks pregnant with twins and have a 4, 3 and nearly 2 year old so I do understand your struggles, I really do)

jesus. when struggling with exceedingly stroppy teenagers i'm going to think about you.Flowers to you too.

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 19:53

Sorry for dripfeeding. The abandoning kids is a real thing. She moved away when my husbands sibling was about 20. She has severe mental health issues. I've posted about those too. We are not sure if she has aspergers or something else but she is incapable of looking after herself. She gets into debt frequently, lives in a hoarder type house, makes dangerous decisions, self harms etc. It's all recently reached a peak and is a source of immense stress for us both. Her mum hasn't seen her in 3 years and is too far away to help in any way.

OP posts:
Zevitevitchofcrimas · 08/12/2017 19:56

I have found young dc so hard and the absolute worst was trying ti look after an active toddler when very ill, bedridden with no support.

I wouldn't be happy either and more risk comes with twins. It's especially infuriating that he had struggled with one toddler?!!

However.... Imagine him buggering off after the babies are born? I was say go now but please promise me you won't go when they are born. I would also like get him to take toddler.

However bad your Mil is there is not much damage she can do in three days.

Heelllpppmeeeee · 08/12/2017 20:00

I wouldn't want him to go either op Flowers and think he needs to say no.

Would it be possible for her to come to you? Might make things easier? Also mean that it won't cost you anything.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 08/12/2017 20:01

OP I get why you don't want him to go. But you're only 22 weeks and it isn't going to get any easier. If he goes now, he's not going to jet off at 32 weeks, or 2 weeks post.

If he feels he has to/wants to, do it now.

babyturtles · 08/12/2017 20:06

How the fuck can OP be U when she's pregnant with twins, with a TODDLER to look after, and her DH wants to fuck off to foreign land to see his mummy?

fuck that.

I'd be telling him to fucking stay there if he goes. He needs to be looking after you and DC, not fucking off because mummy has called.

Taylor22 · 08/12/2017 20:06

YANBU. Why does MIL being upset about him not going Trump your very valid physical upset?

FitBitFanClub · 08/12/2017 20:11

I'm afraid I think your last post alters things slightly. Your dh is worried about her. It's only reasonably that he should want to go and check up as to how she is. Would you really be happy that he abandoned her and didn't care? Is there anyone else who could come and help you out for the three days?

Chocolate254 · 08/12/2017 20:11

Yanbu, He sounds like a drip..

Ropsleybunny · 08/12/2017 20:12

He definitely shouldn't go. You and your DC come first.

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 20:13

Hang on. The sibling that my mil abandoned has mental Heath issues (she lives near us).

OP posts: