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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL (yup another one of those threads)

87 replies

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 19:24

So I'm pregnant with twins and this week I've hit a wall. I've been quite poorly. Been to Drs this week. Extreme tiredness too. I'm super big (look full term) everything has suddenly become real hard. Can no longer lift toddler, walking causing pain etc.

Husband has been pressured to go visit his mum who lives a flight away. I am so cross with him. It's for 3 days! And I have a toddler to look after too! I am so worried about being left alone with toddler.

He says he's torn as he needs to go visit his mum and his grandparents (even guilting me by saying they might die).

I think now is not the time! And I think she should be more understanding.

Reasons it annoys me:
-She chose to move there knowing that she would not see her kids as much. She did the move after a divorce. And it was for selfish reasons. I could never abandon my kids in the way she has.
-We can't afford it
-3 days is a jolly as far as I'm concerned. I said imagine if I left you for a 3 day jolly.
-we don't get on. She's extremely selfish and doesn't think of me has told me that it would "mean a lot to her if he could go"
-whilst I've been poorly husband has been doing all the jobs and childcare and he's finding it really hard. Yet he has no concern for how I will find it.

Aibu to think he should just not go. Aibu to think she should not insist on him travelling up there.

OP posts:
Blahblahblahzeeblah · 08/12/2017 20:15

By 18 weeks with twins I was fit for nothing. He's being very unreasonable

Crumbs1 · 08/12/2017 20:23

He should go and take the toddler. They are his family and your child’s grandmother. Your not having to trust her with the little one: his father would be responsible. Part of his stress is probably the animosity between you and his mother. So he didn’t confront his mother about vaccinations- why would he? It would be a battle that wasn’t necessary, wouldn’t it? She has no say in the mater so her view isn’t going to make any difference.

You are only 22 weeks, so shouldn’t be too incapacitated although it is a bit harder than a singleton - you maybe need to get checked if you can’t lift a toddler and are really struggling.

Oysterbabe · 08/12/2017 20:26

I think YABU. If he doesn't go now then when will he? It will be much harder if he left you with a toddler and twins.

Notonthestairs · 08/12/2017 20:31

If now is not the time when will be?

I am sympathetic honest! But better he goes now and maybe commits to not going again for the next 6 months (or longer!) than leaving it another month when things may well be even harder.
Can you pull in some help from friends or family?

iamyourequal · 08/12/2017 20:31

Sorry OP but I think YABU. Surely this is the best time for him to go visit them. You don't want him going later in the pregnancy and you will need him when the babies come when everything really will be fully on. I'm sorry you are struggling, but feeling a bit under the weather and having piles whist pregnant shouldn't render you an invalid in need of his care. In the gentlest possible way, I think you need to toughen up and get on with it. How on earth will you cope with 3 under 3 otherwise?

RemainOptimistic · 08/12/2017 20:32

He can take toddler off to Mil and you get a jolly of your own at home. Simple solution, everyone's happy. If questioned you can say "Ohhhh but it would be such a shame for Mil not to see toddler, they're growing up so fast!"

RemainOptimistic · 08/12/2017 20:33

Iamyourequal clearly a person who has never had piles or been pregnant Hmm

Fattymcfaterson · 08/12/2017 20:33

Honestly? I think there would never be a good time for him to go would there? Because there would always be a reason you need him more (pregnant/small children)
You need to ask yourself how much of this is you not wanting him to go because you hate his mother, which must be hard for him BTW, or how much is because you genuinely need him for those 3 days.

Also why can't he take toddler with him? Is their any real reason? Other than because you don't like her/trust your husband to look after toddler when away... But trust him to look after toddler at home 🤔

Original poster
Lime19 · 08/12/2017 20:36

I think everyone copes with different pregnancies differently. Twin pregnancy is HARD. Much harder than my first. The stress of it all is difficult alone (especially after the loss of my previous twin pregnancy). Morning sickness was terrible. Piles in my opinion... worse than pushing the head out!

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 08/12/2017 20:37

Nice to be told how incapacitated you should be, isn't it OP?

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2017 20:45

Why do people always assume that because they coped, or it wasn't that bad for them, that other people are the same?

I think he's wrong to go too.

Taylor22 · 08/12/2017 20:47

Because women should at all times suck it up, slap a smile on their face, never complain, never moan and certainly never not cope!!
Especially when there is a man who is about to be inconvenienced!

HandbagCrazy · 08/12/2017 20:48

I don't think you are BU, but I do think you're blaming your MIL for things that are your DHs responsibility.

It doesn't matter how much MIL guilts him, he is a husband and father, he has the power to say "I'll talk to DW and let you know" about visiting.
I also don't understand the issue of not trusting your DH with your toddler because he might be influenced by his mother? He is the child's father, you should be able to trust his judgement no matter who he's with.

Blaming MIL is easier but actually, your DH is the one leaving his pregnant, struggling spouse and child to go away for a few days.

Notonthestairs · 08/12/2017 20:49

I agree that everyone deals with pregnancies differently. So, ok I'm not pregnant with twins so I don't know exactly how you are feeling - but when can he visit his mother and grandparents or would she visit you? Which is the worse option??Grin

woofmiaowwoof · 08/12/2017 20:49

I'm always amazed with the replies about how it's not that hard - fwiw op, I totally agree on the bottom front - main reason I would not have any more dc!

Also, your DH needs to be able to cope with your toddler for 3 days. It doesn't sound as though you yourself have any other backup?

Do you work? Could you take holiday or call in sick whilst he's away to rest?

Oysterbabe · 08/12/2017 20:53

Him taking the toddler does seem to be a good compromise. Take the days off work and have 3 days of peace watching Netflix and eating crisps. Perfect.

Wellthatwasembarassing · 08/12/2017 20:55

maybe write out a list of pros and cons and if he genuinely insists on going ask him what he plans to do if something happens to you/the toddler/the babies.
How far is the flight? Is it realistic to expect him to be in the hospital quickly if you have any complications?
Can you plan the three days so you have very little to do or someone reliable to come and help you so you aren’t under loads of pressure yourself?

Also are his grandparents genuinely at risk of dying? If so he will resent you if he can’t go and say goodbye. I would still only go myself if I knew it was planned out to have the least effect on my DP and I could get back quickly if there was a complication with the pregnancy.

Mummyontherun86 · 08/12/2017 20:56

YANBU. She needs to fly over if she wants to see husband anytime in the next two years!

Mummyontherun86 · 08/12/2017 20:59

Also, pregnancy may not be a sickness in itself but complications certainly are. I’ve been very, very unwell and unable to walk, breath, sleep or eat with one pregnancy and totally healthy in another. It’s totally not on for posters to suggest you are well enough when you clearly say you aren’t! All pregnancies are not same.

StarWarsFanatic · 08/12/2017 20:59

How long is the flight? If it less than a couple of hours I would suggest day trip, maybe two days.

Is money really tight, how is DH planning to finance his trip? Is he willing to save money in other ways to justify the expense? Or is he expecting you both to go without to find the money for it?

To me it doesn't sound like your OH realises that there are two of you responsible for the pregnancy, you didn't make those babies on your own.

I agree that if you trust your OH to care for toddler at home he should be able to manage while away (especially if he cuts a day out of the trip).

Do you have anyone who could stay or you could stay with for a couple of days?

How soon is the planned trip?

Marnie182 · 08/12/2017 21:00

I think if he really wants to go then he should take toddler.
Toddler is with daddy and it's only 3 days, they will be absolutely fine.
Once the the twins are here you won't think twice about him taking toddler or twins off for 3 days Grin
Enjoy the break Flowers

RestingGrinchFace · 08/12/2017 21:00

It's your DH you should've annoyed with not your MIL. Her bad behaviour isn't an excuse for him to be a bad husband.

KERALA1 · 08/12/2017 21:10

He has to take the toddler. No brainer.

pictish · 08/12/2017 21:13

So when is he allowed to go and visit his mum then...if not now?
That'll be never.

So that's nice.

MrsHarveySpecterV · 08/12/2017 21:13

I understand why you feel the way you do but agree with PP. Your husband has an obligation to you, his Mum doesn't, could she be inviting him now because she knows it will be harder when you're further along? If he doesn't go now when will he go? It will be worse if he goes when you are nearer your due date or after the babies are born. Let him take your toddler and enjoy sometime to yourself. You have my sympathies re the piles, I had to have banding surgery on mine they were so bad!