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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL (yup another one of those threads)

87 replies

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 19:24

So I'm pregnant with twins and this week I've hit a wall. I've been quite poorly. Been to Drs this week. Extreme tiredness too. I'm super big (look full term) everything has suddenly become real hard. Can no longer lift toddler, walking causing pain etc.

Husband has been pressured to go visit his mum who lives a flight away. I am so cross with him. It's for 3 days! And I have a toddler to look after too! I am so worried about being left alone with toddler.

He says he's torn as he needs to go visit his mum and his grandparents (even guilting me by saying they might die).

I think now is not the time! And I think she should be more understanding.

Reasons it annoys me:
-She chose to move there knowing that she would not see her kids as much. She did the move after a divorce. And it was for selfish reasons. I could never abandon my kids in the way she has.
-We can't afford it
-3 days is a jolly as far as I'm concerned. I said imagine if I left you for a 3 day jolly.
-we don't get on. She's extremely selfish and doesn't think of me has told me that it would "mean a lot to her if he could go"
-whilst I've been poorly husband has been doing all the jobs and childcare and he's finding it really hard. Yet he has no concern for how I will find it.

Aibu to think he should just not go. Aibu to think she should not insist on him travelling up there.

OP posts:

BelfortGabbz · 08/12/2017 21:14

It sounds like his Mum has problems. I'm not saying he should go but I think it's harsh saying he'd be 'running to Mummy'.

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 08/12/2017 21:16

YANBU. I've suffered with the dreaded piles too, the pain and discomfort was awful. I think I'd be telling him to take the toddler with him.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 08/12/2017 21:18

Have you got SPD? It is more common in twin pregnancies because of the additional weight in the pelvis. Get referred to physio ASAP as exercises/ supports/ crutches can help to keep you functional. It seems to frequently be unidentified though.

Back to your AIBU, I think to some extent you are. You are clouded by your feelings to your MIL. DH's plans are certainly inconvenient to you, but a 3 day visit including flights is about as minimal as it can be, so he's not spending an excessive time away. There never will be a convenient time for him to go. Certainly decreasingly so as the pregnancy develops, and through the babies' early stages until their feeds space out and get reliable block of sleep. How long would you want to prevent him visiting her for? The next year, because there will be no good time within the next year will there?

pictish · 08/12/2017 21:20

"I'd be telling him to fucking stay there if he goes. He needs to be looking after you and DC, not fucking off because mummy has called."

Yes God forbid he should have a relationship with and want to see his mother eh? What a prick.

Notonthestairs · 08/12/2017 21:26

I just want to add that I understand why you'd judge your MIL. I have a wonderful DD with ASD and learning difficulties and nothing on earth would make me leave her - certainly not to leave her with her equally fab brother to look out for her (even if he was keen to do so) - so I do understand why you feel she's let your SIL (and by extension your DH) down.
But I think I'd want to get the visit over with now - but lay down parameters that it won't happen again until life is much easier.

Mumof56 · 08/12/2017 21:33

How often are you allowed to visit your own parents? How long are you allowed to stay when/if he gives you permission?

Basecamp21 · 08/12/2017 21:34

If you think you don't want him to go now when are you going to be happy for him to go?

When you have a toddler and two babies? I think not. This may be his last chance for several years.

ayeportly · 08/12/2017 21:36

I'm not convinced a "hoarder-type" house is the ideal environment for a toddler. Especially since I get the impression that your DH isn't hugely hands-on.

pictish · 08/12/2017 21:37

"But I think I'd want to get the visit over with now - but lay down parameters that it won't happen again until life is much easier."

What? It's a marriage not a dictatorship. If my dh tried this shit on me I'd tell him where to go. So would you. People are allowed to see their family for God's sake!

woofmiaowwoof · 08/12/2017 21:41

Bit as always with these threads - the underlying issue is why DH is not able to cope with your toddler, and even more so when you're expecting twins.

TheMShip · 08/12/2017 21:49

Did anyone else catch that they can't afford the trip? Unless MIL is going to cough up for the flights etc, the rest of this is completely moot.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/12/2017 21:50

If you are unable to lift your toddler he should not be leaving you unless he can get someone else in to help you. If his grandparents are seriously ill then there might be a bit more leeway so he can visit them. But this is not the time to be visiting his mum simply because she would like to see him.

That's sort of the easy bit though. From what you've posted I think you should be a bit concerned about why your DH currently has to do all the childcare, with why he can't cope with it well and with why you can't trust him to look after his child when he's with his mother. You're about to triple the number of children you have. Maybe a sit-down and talk about what you need to do to shore up your family would be a good idea?

Mumof56 · 08/12/2017 21:51

Bit as always with these threads - the underlying issue is why DH is not able to cope with your toddler, and even more so when you're expecting twins
That's an intresting spin you've put on things

The OP doesn't say the DH can't cope with the child care. In fact it says he's whilst I've been poorly husband has been doing all the jobs and childcare but the OP doesn't trust the mil with the toddler. It's the op who doesn't feel able to cope with the toddler And I have a toddler to look after too! I am so worried about being left alone with toddler

leftwiththedognow · 08/12/2017 21:52

Yet another my MIL is a wanker thread.
He's not going away until you drop. Its 3 days. Tell him to take the toddler. Or not. He cant win either way can he?
He wants a relationship with the other woman he loves. But She's extremely selfish and doesn't think of me has told me that it would "mean a lot to her if he could go"
Yep, what a bitch.

MrsBonato · 08/12/2017 21:56

DH and mil did exactly this when I was 7 and half months pregnant. He went for a week, and by train which took 9 hours. He also went up into the mountains and I couldn't get hold of him at all for a few days.
I didn't even have other DC's and was only pregnant with one.
She also chose to move away after the divorce.

It's the feeling of being let down and put out and on your own. It sucks and makes it all a bit more anxious.

I did end up in hospital too whilst he was away, I was in for high blood pressure (not really a surprise).

I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's not nice being pregnant, having a bad time and being on your own. Do you have any help at all?

C0untDucku1a · 08/12/2017 21:57

Think about when would be a good time for him to visit his mum. You may decide that it is now. He should take his toddler too. You should rest.

perfectstorm · 08/12/2017 22:05

He may not want to go if you say fine as long as he takes the toddler. And your MIL may not want him to go, either!

Offer that as the compromise. Suspect it may take the gilt of the visit's gingerbread, but if it doesn't, then enjoy the break. Your toddler will be fine with them for a handful of days and it will certainly increase his respect for your own solo care times. And you can SLEEP. Or at least, as well as a woman pregnant with twins can.

leftwiththedognow · 08/12/2017 22:06

So, lets say he decides to stay home...what crumbs of his time are you going to offer her after you have had the babies OP?

woofmiaowwoof · 08/12/2017 22:14

mum it doesn't add up - if the DH is fine with the toddler, surely it's obvious the dh safeguards the toddler at his MIL's house? I don't see how that's a spin, I don't understand why this isn't the logical solution.

Original poster

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 22:19

I have taken on what you say about maybe now being the best time. Even though it's not great.

I want to clarify my mil is not the one with mental health issues. Her daughter does and I feel like her mum has let her down by moving far away. But that's just my opinion. That's a whole other thread but I am very concerned that somewhere down the line me and dh will be responsible for a poorly sibling because her parents didn't care or make provisions at this stage or indeed when her worrying symptoms started appearing (early teens).

Mil and I have fallen out about a variety of things over the years. Such as her visiting us and not interacting with her grandchild but instead sitting on phone and Internet ALL DAY. I come from a very different family. My mum gets on floor and plays hide and seek etc and is beyond helpful when she visits.

We have both decided that he will cut the trip down from 3 full days to coming home early on the 3rd day so he can help with bedtime etc. I'll ask for help from my family. They are very helpful.

OP posts:

Mumof56 · 08/12/2017 22:21

mum it doesn't add up - if the DH is fine with the toddler, surely it's obvious the dh safeguards the toddler at his MIL's house? I don't see how that's a spin, I don't understand why this isn't the logical solution

It is a logical solution but it seems from op's post it is not a viable solution because the op appears to have control issues

Unfortunately (and this is a whole other thread) I don't trust her with him. She's like a child herself. She and I disagree about a number of things and I fear she would not follow my wishes

toomuchtooold · 08/12/2017 22:21

He's not going away until you drop

It's a twin pregnancy. I sincerely hope that for OP and her twins' sake that this is true but twins do come prematurely sometimes.

C0untDucku1a · 08/12/2017 22:24

Im really curious as to why you dont trust your husband to take care of his toddler. That would be the best solution so wondering whatnit is thats making you choose a more dififcult solution.

woofmiaowwoof · 08/12/2017 22:26

Agree mum it's a strange one as either she trusts her dh or she doesn't, MIL is unlikely to be able to cause much life altering havoc in 3 days when a competent parent is present?

woofmiaowwoof · 08/12/2017 22:28

Ah I'm glad a solution has been found. I have to wonder op though, even if your MIL sat your DS in front of Peppa pig and fed him chips and fish fingers for 3 days, is that the end of the world?

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