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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL (yup another one of those threads)

87 replies

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 19:24

So I'm pregnant with twins and this week I've hit a wall. I've been quite poorly. Been to Drs this week. Extreme tiredness too. I'm super big (look full term) everything has suddenly become real hard. Can no longer lift toddler, walking causing pain etc.

Husband has been pressured to go visit his mum who lives a flight away. I am so cross with him. It's for 3 days! And I have a toddler to look after too! I am so worried about being left alone with toddler.

He says he's torn as he needs to go visit his mum and his grandparents (even guilting me by saying they might die).

I think now is not the time! And I think she should be more understanding.

Reasons it annoys me:
-She chose to move there knowing that she would not see her kids as much. She did the move after a divorce. And it was for selfish reasons. I could never abandon my kids in the way she has.
-We can't afford it
-3 days is a jolly as far as I'm concerned. I said imagine if I left you for a 3 day jolly.
-we don't get on. She's extremely selfish and doesn't think of me has told me that it would "mean a lot to her if he could go"
-whilst I've been poorly husband has been doing all the jobs and childcare and he's finding it really hard. Yet he has no concern for how I will find it.

Aibu to think he should just not go. Aibu to think she should not insist on him travelling up there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lime19 · 08/12/2017 22:30

My dh is an excellent dad but he does have a tendency to go along with his mum for an easy life e.g. The vaccines thing I mentioned. He came to me after that and told me his mum might be onto something as the "mmr vaccine causes certain conditions". I could have cried! I'm a scientist and very pro vaccine.

OP posts:

pictish · 08/12/2017 22:30

Sounds like a compromise that works for you so that's a good outcome.

You don't have to like your mil and it's clear that you don't but your dh does. He will want to visit her from time to time and that is something you will have to factor in to your family set up now and in the future. If your own mum is so wonderful and helpful what was all the fuss about him going in the first place? Because you don't like her? Not your call I'm afraid.

Kentnurse2015 · 08/12/2017 22:31

YABU. You are 22 weeks and have family to call on.

woofmiaowwoof · 08/12/2017 22:33

Presumably you did vaccinate though op? You can't stop the transfer of bonkers ideas, you can only fight them with science.

Anyway, I very much hope you feel better soon, sounds horrible

BewareOfDragons · 08/12/2017 22:41

If he goes, he should have to take the toddler. Surely she should be visiting her grandmother, too, and it will take most of the pressure off of you.

RadioGaGoo · 08/12/2017 22:48

So it's impossible to feel a bad at 22 weeks then KentNurse2015?

Kentnurse2015 · 08/12/2017 22:51

I'm not saying that @RadioGaGoo. I'm saying she is only 22 weeks so far less likely to have an issue than at 30/32/34 weeks etc. Obviously things can happen but not expected at this point. Also she says she has family who can help, so let DH go see him mum for 3 days. She is family too

RadioGaGoo · 08/12/2017 22:57

She said she's having issues though?

Fitbitironic · 08/12/2017 23:07

lime why won't dh take DC with him? Surely mil would like to see him/her too? Beyond differences with food choices and bed times, what damage could she do in 3 days?? As op said, much easier for him to go now rather than when the twins have arrived...
With all due respect, it sounds as if you want everything on your terms without consideration of other's wishes. And I can understand that. (But speaking as someone whose dh was away for months when I was pregnant with second DC, with no family to help out, you sound a bit u.)

leftwiththedognow · 08/12/2017 23:10

So it's impossible to feel a bad at 22 weeks then KentNurse2015

Its possible to feel bad every week, but later weeks are safer for a 3 day visit.

C0untDucku1a · 08/12/2017 23:11

It is three days. There are going to be no vaccines to miss in those three days.

What are you worried about your dh going along with in three days?

CaledonianQueen · 08/12/2017 23:24

I would happily wave him off. I would, however, expect him to help pack me and toddler up and help get us to my Mum's before he leaves. That way you get to put your feet up whilst your Mum looks after you and your toddler. I would probably stay for longer than three days as well though, especially with how poorly you sound! You sound stressed, exhausted and in a lot of pain. You need your Mum way more than he does right now! So don't let him make you feel guilty for your wanting to pay to go there.

If you do have SPD you need to rest and move very carefully, I have had severe SPD in both my pregnancies and ended up wheelchair bound and then on bed rest as every time I tried to mobilise contractions and early labour started. You do not want to be hospitalized and put on strict bedrest until delivery! Trust me I know! That's exactly what happened to me during my last pregnancy, I was in for the last six weeks. My dh had to take unpaid leave to look after our two year old!

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