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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A guy has asked me if I want to 'hang out'.

112 replies

SingleSoda · 07/12/2017 23:08

Maybe i've watched too many romantics but being asked to 'hang out' doesn't quite strike the right note.

We're in our mid twenties and met last month as we both train for the same sports team. We seemed to click, he added me on Facebook and then we spent 6 hours solidly talking over messenger until the early hours. He's randomly popped up on messenger tonight asking if I want to hang out next week..

See I usually date absolute control freaks (I must admit I like the traditional gender roles/not having to making decisions/being swept off my feet) but I made the conscientious decision to date people who weren't my type just to try to end up with a guy who isn't a complete self centred arse. But I just can't seem to get excited about 'hanging out' or the energy to now play 'when/where/what'. I feel he's gone from a 8/10 to a wet 4/10. AIBU?

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 07/12/2017 23:43

Well you seem to find dickish sexism attractive and like the kind of knobs most educated women give a wide berth. So I think it's fair to say you have some work to do on what you find attractive...

Carouselfish · 07/12/2017 23:44

Making a conscious decision to date against type means you end up trying to fancy someone you just don't fancy. You don't fancy him. He wants to 'hang out' with you ergo doesn't particularly fancy you either. It's all a bit of a lukewarm waste of time in the romantic stakes.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/12/2017 00:05

It's just what young people say these days. I'm an old gimmer but it sounds very reasonable to me: he's met you once or twice, you've messaged a bit, the next sensible step is surely to spend a bit more time together casually to see how you get on.

Grand romantic gestures and being instantly full on is a massive red flag for a controlling personality.

CharisMama · 08/12/2017 00:07

If you'd got to know each other and that was all he was offering you, hanging out, then I'd be wary, but at this point you're just getting to know each other a little. You might hang out and then decide he's not for you.

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 08/12/2017 00:08

Gawd. You were glued to Messenger for six hours so you must fancy him. Go 'hang out' with him and stop fretting over it as though you've been tasked with solving the Arab Israeli conflict.

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 08/12/2017 00:10

Is he (a) infantile (b) on some sort of medication (c) suffering from an infection (d) American?

Some people really try and look for the negative in the most inoffensive of things. Life must be very tiring for them.

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 08/12/2017 00:11

No offence but you don't exactly sound like Little Miss Assertive yourself!

VladmirsPoutine · 08/12/2017 00:14

If I were him I'd run for the hills.

AbsentmindedWoman · 08/12/2017 00:15

This sounds like you're self sabotaging.

The men you're drawn to are problematic.

Sancerresanwine · 08/12/2017 00:16

It's a nice way of asking you on a date.

Somerford · 08/12/2017 00:23

He probably said it without expecting you to attach so much significance to a simple turn of phrase. If he'd known you'd give it this much thought, re-evaluate your view of him and then make a thread about it on an internet forum he probably wouldn't have asked in the first place. What are you doing? You obviously like him. Its ok to enjoy yourself and meet new people, do that.

BackforGood · 08/12/2017 00:40

YABU and sound a bit ridiculous.
Sounds like a really sensible way to start getting to know each other a bit better to me, rather than an unrealistic and unsustainable "sweeping off feet" scenario. Spending a bit of time together without any pressure. If it doesn't work out / you find you aren't that attracted to each other, you can still get on at the sports events without it being awkward.
No idea where you get the "wet" idea from.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2017 00:45

Dates have lots of pressure. Where to go. Who pays
Kiss. Sex. Somewhere inbetween.

For osmeoje you don't know "hang out " is surely a good first step? Spend some time together, no pressure, no expectations. It isn't wet to not rush into a date but actually fiat want to spend some time together.

Chrys2017 · 08/12/2017 00:50

I wouldn't bother going... he will probably do or say something else wrong within the first ten seconds and you'll be totally put off again and have to hang out for the entire evening gritting your teeth.

TheStoic · 08/12/2017 00:51

Have to admit, if a man asked if I wanted to ‘hang out’, my sexual interest would deflate like a balloon.

But I’m 40, not 25.

StarWarsFanatic · 08/12/2017 01:04

Ask him what he has in mind.

scottishdiem · 08/12/2017 01:11

I think he is probably too nice for you to be honest. If you want dominante arseholery then he isnt for you anyway.

CheshireChat · 08/12/2017 01:30

Sorry, but you're coming across as all princess-y in the worst possible way.

Ultimately he bit the bullet and did something you didn't have the guts to do and now you're complaining he didn't read your mind.

Go and meet with him if you're willing to genuinely give him a chance, but don't bother if you're only looking for excuses to be disappointed. He may not be your type and that's fine, but why be a dick about it?

SilverySurfer · 08/12/2017 01:34

Casmama
Sorry I have to say it “not having to make decisions/ being swept off my feet” makes me feel a bit nauseous.

With bells on. Be careful what you wish for OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/12/2017 02:09

He doesn't happen to be American, does he? Because saying 'let's hang out' is pretty common here for a 'casual' date, i.e. meet for coffee, meet for a walk in a park, stroll around window-shopping. It sort of implies a no to low cost activity and implies 'no expectations' regarding sex. More of a 'get to know you'/easy exit if you don't 'match' type of thing.

Source: American and asked my single mid-20s son.

StupidSlimyGit · 08/12/2017 02:22

I think he's probably spent the last three weeks plucking up the courage to ask me out and all he could muster was 'hey do you want to hang out this week?' I don't know, I know i'm being unreasonable but I find the whole wetness just unattractive.
YANBU, he sounds lovely and relaxed and you sound like hard work. Let the bloke find someone who won't grind him down.

Huppopapa · 08/12/2017 03:10

He might be a tremendous knob who habitually speaks like a teenager from the Midwest &/or treats women like playthings.

Or he might be a thoroughly decent chap who, having been charmed by spending six hours with you Messenging, rather tripped over his thumbs in trying to find a form of words that would indicate his interest without putting you under pressure.

Or somewhere in between.

The risk of rejecting the second for fear of the first would be to do both of you a substantial injustice.

You must however conceal a small biretta beneath your hat (appropriate apparel for what is a date, non?) in case the need arises to dispatch him for crimes against linguistic good taste. As you will also presumably be wearing full-length gloves your prints will not be on the weapon but do ensure, dear, that you burn them thoroughly at a convenient distance from the um... incident in a locale where the ground will not leave an impression of your natty shoes.

sonjadog · 08/12/2017 03:33

Don’t go. If you really were interested you would get hung up in something so trivial.

Domani · 08/12/2017 04:46

Beware, the last bloke who asked me to hang out was my exh. Wasted years of my life with him, thinking he just had a low sex drive. Turned out he was gay and using me to make himself look straight! To this day, he still hasn't "come out" and has remarried.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 08/12/2017 04:55

I'd be delighted if someone who's company so enjoyed suggested we hang out - whether friend or romantic interest (were I single).

Can't believe the shallow comments here. People never cease to amaze me.

OP you are destined to date arseholes until you grow up a bit IMO. You like men to make the decisions for you? And you have the cheek to call this guy wet?!

Go with an open mind if you can. Or maybe let this guy meet someone who appreciates him.

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