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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A guy has asked me if I want to 'hang out'.

112 replies

SingleSoda · 07/12/2017 23:08

Maybe i've watched too many romantics but being asked to 'hang out' doesn't quite strike the right note.

We're in our mid twenties and met last month as we both train for the same sports team. We seemed to click, he added me on Facebook and then we spent 6 hours solidly talking over messenger until the early hours. He's randomly popped up on messenger tonight asking if I want to hang out next week..

See I usually date absolute control freaks (I must admit I like the traditional gender roles/not having to making decisions/being swept off my feet) but I made the conscientious decision to date people who weren't my type just to try to end up with a guy who isn't a complete self centred arse. But I just can't seem to get excited about 'hanging out' or the energy to now play 'when/where/what'. I feel he's gone from a 8/10 to a wet 4/10. AIBU?

OP posts:

deepestdarkestperu · 08/12/2017 08:39

So you normally like control freaks and people who make decisions for you - and you wonder why you end up with self-centred fuckwits?

This guy sounds perfectly normal to me. He wants to spend time with you - you clearly like him as you spent six hours talking to him, so why not go and have fun?

All my early dates with DP were of the "hanging out" variety. I hate the formality of getting dressed up to for drinks/dinner with a random stranger - doesn't seem the best way to get to know someone as you're generally both very nervous and worried about how well dressed you are!

Our first date was a picnic by a lake - our second was a trip to the zoo. Of course we went out for meals eventually but it was never anything formal. We just hung out, talked and got to know each other. It was fun

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2017 08:45

Yes, I understand op, he sounds totally wet. No balls, can’t muster the courage to ask for a date so goes for the lame teenage terminology, then if you say no he can pretend he wasn’t asking you out.

There is a mid ground between control freak and scared child , I would find a guy in his mid twenties talking like a young teenager a total turn off too.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/12/2017 08:49

Bluntness100 he sounds far too good for you

RidingWindhorses · 08/12/2017 08:52

I can't get my head around someone who says she likes her decisions made for her calling someone else wet. He asked her out. It's more than she had the balls to do.

I think his phrase was apposite: they can hang out without the pressure of it being a date to see if they actually fancy each other.

Rudgie47 · 08/12/2017 09:02

Sounds like you are a bit off to me OP, what do you want the 1950s? Stepford?

ILoveMillhousesDad · 08/12/2017 09:04

You both sound a bit drippy, so would probably get on great.

Frogletmamma · 08/12/2017 09:12

I thought hang out was a term only used in Dawson's Creek (an I sad or what)

diddl · 08/12/2017 09:15

Don't go, Op-decision made for your!

Pleased/relieved or disappointed at the thought of not meeting up with him?

YellowFlower201 · 08/12/2017 09:18

You sound hard work OP and a bit of a princess. Let's face it it's not going to go anywhere because you'll find something else that's totally ok which you don't like.
You'll end up with a drama lama again soon enough.

KioskKeithForPresident · 08/12/2017 09:19

Don’t go. If you really were interested you would get hung up in something so trivial.

I agree with ^ PP. If this man was your idea of hot (whatever that is - from Brad Pitt to Justin Bieber ) you wouldn't care what he'd said, you'd be bouncing around with excitement that he just wanted to see you.

Question is whether it's worth you "giving it a try" or you are so not interested already that you are wasting his time and your time.

FWIW I know a couple of men who are very "hang out" types. One of them says "I don't do dates. I prefer things to develop more organically". He's not wet or wimpy at all. His personality type is just more laid back that's all. He'd prefer to get to know a woman down the pub rather than go to a swanky restaurant. This is a personality type - it will suit some women but not others as a way to develope a relationship.

Raysmum · 08/12/2017 09:28

you Both have something in common, which is good, and you chatted on line for hours...he is testing the waters..it must be hard for guys these days they can’t do right for doing wrong, go and “ hang out” with him, then if you get on you can suggest going on a date, if he had suggested a date and it didn’t work out he would have lost a friendship, but just hanging out is not putting pressure on either you..sounds like a great guy to me 😁

Namechange16 · 08/12/2017 09:30

I think some women have watched too many romantic movies and have unrealistic expectations of dating and love.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 08/12/2017 09:31

I don't think you should go. He probably wants someone relaxed and easy to get along with that is happy to own her own life.

Ansumpasty · 08/12/2017 09:31

What's the big deal? Yes, it's an American expression but maybe he didn't know how to word it? YABU to be uptight about it

Crackednips · 08/12/2017 15:25

Whats the big deal? it's a flipping, flaming well annoying abuse of the English language, that's the big deal...Bloody Yanks with their Chewing Gum and their Nylons...When do they ever "Fancy anyone" or find anything *brilliant", or just talk a bit quieter in shops?

carefreeeee · 08/12/2017 15:47

If you're not interested don't waste his time. He sounds nice and you sound unpleasant

BoredOnMatLeave · 08/12/2017 15:58

Don’t go. If you really were interested you would get hung up in something so trivial.

Also agree with this.

BackforGood · 08/12/2017 16:26

Very well put TheColonel at 06:44:54

g1itterati · 08/12/2017 16:43

It does sound very teenage tbh, but maybe he was worried he might scare you off if he asked you on a proper date?
I'm a bit older than you OP and in the nineties I think men were a bit less wishy- washy, though admittedly my memory is a blur. I do remember DH took me to dinner for our first date and drove across London to pick me up. I appreciate directness in men actually, at least you know where you stand.
In this instance, he could have asked you to go for lunch or even a coffee if he was worried. But something more specific is needed, I agree.
What is supposed to happen next?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/12/2017 20:19

I suspect the whole date thing is considered rather old hat in some circles though.

DS1(24) asked a girl he works with, if she would like to hang out on their day off, this week. It sounds to me like they like each other but it is slightly complicated in that they work together (and for other reasons). They are sensibly taking things slowly and working out if they want to get serious or not.

Meanwhile my DD1(22) is dating a guy she has been through the hanging out stage with, but apparently he is not her boyfriend.

It is all much more complicated than in my day when you snogged some guy at a party that you'd liked for ages and that was pretty much it, you were together.

Iooselipssinkships · 08/12/2017 20:28

OP, Prince Charming doesn't exist. Well, he does but he'll kick ten bells out of you.

oldlaundbooth · 08/12/2017 20:37

God it was easier in the 90's

oldlaundbooth · 08/12/2017 20:40

One of them says "I don't do dates. I prefer things to develop more organically"

So just shagging eh

Ohyesiam · 08/12/2017 20:45

Two things
The term to hang out comes from England. In 15 th and 16 th centuary, When a member of the aristocracy went into a city, they would hang a banner with thirty coast of arms on it out of the window, so people knew where to find them.
As in " where doth thy lord hang out? " " in thread needle street , sire".
So not a nasty American mangling of English at all.

Explaining that has made me forget the second thing. I'm menopausal. And I have ear ache. A bit.

yorkshapudding · 08/12/2017 20:55

Sorry I have to say it “not having to make decisions/ being swept off my feet” makes me feel a bit nauseous

Absolutely. Would you rather he just clubbed you round the head and dragged you back to his cave, OP?

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