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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dd needs to be more considerate?

83 replies

Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 20:29

Dd has a December birthday. As it's difficult to get stuff booked for Dec I asked her back in the summer if she wanted a party or similar. I didn't just ask once we discussed several times as she was unsure but eventually I said she had to make a decision one way or the other.

She said no, no party. Then last weekend she decides she wants one, her asking resulted in an argument because I felt she has blindsided me. Result is she is now having some friends to our home but boundaries have been discussed.

Then tonight she decided she wants to start prepping our home tonight even though we had already discussed and agreed we'd do it at the weekend.

It involves moving some furniture around. I have a pain condition and I also have severe anxiety which she knows I manage by being organised and knowing what I am doing day to day.

She is saying she is too busy to do it another time before the party and so it won't get done the way it needs to be done (my opinion not hers).

So it's 2nd time in a few days she's just dumped a huge job on me.

Aibu to think she needs to be more considerate of the fact it's my home too and of my anxiety and physical limitations?

OP posts:
HermionesRightHook · 07/12/2017 20:34

I don't think YABU at all but I think she's probably pushing boundaries here - how old is she? I'm going to make a guess at turning 14 or 15?

I was not very good at consideration at that age and I was likely to have been pushing at the edges of your anxiety/pain limitations because that that age I just didn't understand them and I would have felt IT'S NOT FAAAAAIR and no further. And I was quite a nice teenager.

LovingLola · 07/12/2017 20:36

How old is she? Is it possible that she is fed up with her life being circumscribed by your anxiety? I know my own kids would have no idea 6 months ago what they would like to be doing in December (and neither would I).

deepestdarkestperu · 07/12/2017 20:37

How old is she? I think it's a bit much to expect a young child to cope with your anxiety.

Kentnurse2015 · 07/12/2017 20:39

It must be hard for her though as she may be at an age now where she feels she shouldn't be constrained by your issues (I'm not agreeing, I'm just stating what she may feel). She may see others get whatever they want when they want it and feel she is hard done buY.

It's a tricky one as I see both sides. I see a teenager wanting some control and a mother trying to do her beat

Greyhorses · 07/12/2017 20:41

Personally it would drive me mad to be asked to plan things 6 months in advance and not to be allowed any spontinuity at all.

I think you need to cut her a bit of slack really.

user1493413286 · 07/12/2017 20:43

I’m guessing a teenager but developmentally children and teenagers are quite focused on themselves and it’s up to their parents to remind them/teach to consider others etc which is exactly what you’re doing but it takes time and maturity

SparklyMagpie · 07/12/2017 20:44

I also see both sides, how old are we talking here?

LovingLola · 07/12/2017 20:44

Are you dealing with your anxiety? Or has she lived with it all her life?

overnightangel · 07/12/2017 20:46

Why do people pander to their children like this

Kentnurse2015 · 07/12/2017 20:47

It's not pandering to a child though if the child has had to 'pander' to her mum's anxiety all her life.

It's a hard balance

LovingLola · 07/12/2017 20:48

It's not pandering to a child though if the child has had to 'pander' to her mum's anxiety all her life.

I agree with this. And this could have a life long affect on the girl.

GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries · 07/12/2017 20:50

I don't really see the issue? Pander? The daughter is having a few friends over and moving some furniture

deepestdarkestperu · 07/12/2017 20:50

Why do people pander to their children like this

What? Who's pandering to their children? Confused

Original poster
Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 20:52

She'll be turning 17. So not young. The December birthday thing is not a new issue, even when she was quite young and having 'jelly and ice cream in the village hall' type parties we had to book the hall by July latest as most places aren't available throughout December and the slots that are available go quickly.

It was also when she first asked about having a party at home she expected it all on her terms - number of people, very late finish etc it was only through us eventually discussing once she'd calmed down a bit that she agreed to sensible boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 20:55

She can't move the furniture alone it's very heavy and awkward.

I've had the anxiety all her life but sometimes it's worse than at others, tends to be worse this time of year which she knows and there's little I or anyone else can do about that. I do get treatment for it but it will never be completely gone.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 07/12/2017 21:00

Say she can move furniture if she gets a couple of friends round to help and you oversee?

Kentnurse2015 · 07/12/2017 21:02

She's nearly 17 so can make her own mind up but I guess she also knows she can't rely on you for things so maybe she has just planned badly this time.

It's both sides really - you need to accept she can plan her own birthdays by 17 and she needs to accept that she can do that if she plans appropriately and gets whatever assistance she needs. Asking anyone to do it short-notice is unfair whatever the situation

ReggaetonLente · 07/12/2017 21:03

My mum was severely anxious. Having friends round or having parties was horrendous as she would be on edge and nasty for days before, vile to me during and ignore me afterwards. She took out her anxiety on me and in the end I just went to other people's houses.

Not saying you're the same OP but it is so hard when you just want to do what all your friends do, but your mum's irrational thoughts mean that even seemingly simple requests are impossible to accommodate.

My exchange partner from France had to stay with another family because last minute my mum decided she couldn't handle it. I had to tell everyone that my mum was ill, which she was, but not in the way everyone assumed. It was shit. I felt like a liar and a fraud receiving sympathy when really all that was wrong with her was that she didn't like the idea of someone in the spare room.

I understand it's more complicated than that now, of course, and I've struggled with anxiety too as an adult. But I do sympathise with your daughter OP.

deepestdarkestperu · 07/12/2017 21:08

I think at 17 she should be able to invite friends round for her birthday without months of advance planning - I wouldn't know what I wanted to do six days in advance at that age, let alone six months. Expecting a 17yo to plan her life around you to that extent is unreasonable, sorry.

What treatment are you getting for your anxiety? Are you on medication or in therapy?

Original poster
Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 21:12

Her friends wouldn't help. (Whole other issue).

Kent she's effectively given less than 2 weeks notice for something she knows is not only anxiety inducing for me but her too and which requires planning. She doesn't plan - that is what is driving me nuts! She just gets an idea in her head and is determined to do it. Regardless of the effect on others inc me. It's not just having friends round it is organising moving the furniture, food, drinks, cups plates etc when money is really tight too and if I had known even a month or so ago I could maybe have saved toward.

Reggae I'm not that bad. But I do expect a decent amount of notice AND for her to be open to compromise which she isn't. Our place isn't that big and she was wanting too many people initially too. 'We'll squeeze them in' but I don't think any parent would accept that and risk kids getting hurt or things being damaged or broken. (That has happened before certain acquaintances of hers are now banned)

OP posts:
iamyourequal · 07/12/2017 21:13

TeenTimesTwo

Say she can move furniture if she gets a couple of friends round to help and you oversee?
I would second this. Try and overcome your fears about this. It's not a big thing. Let them move furniture so they have space to dance, give her a budget for some party food and cokes/lambrini or whatever is allowed and let her enjoy it. Give a clear party start and stop time in advance and limit the guest list; grab the nicest birthday cake in the supermarket. This is a great opportunity for you to cope with your anxiety for one evening and make your daughter proud of having such a great mum. I wasn't coping well with anxiety this time last year. The GP gave me meds which made me sick as a dog for days. The first day I felt better I vowed to STOP stressing about things so much. OP get fresh air and sunlight each day and know you can cope with these things. You are stronger than you realise.

Kentnurse2015 · 07/12/2017 21:15

Almost teenagers push boundaries though - especially when it comes to birthdays or occasions. It's striking a balance of her being more aware of things whilst not really making your anxiety part of the issue because that's not totally fair

Original poster
Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 21:16

Tbh I'm not finding the comments re the anxiety very helpful. I have said what the situation is there and said I'm getting treatment, beyond that is tbh nobody else's business.

Also my mum didn't have anxiety or anything if I'd done this as a 17 year old it would have been a straight no! With less than 2 weeks notice and having to be argued into sensible compromises so things don't get outta hand?

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 07/12/2017 21:17

Do you really expect a 17yo to give you more than two weeks notice of some friends coming over?

Original poster
Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 21:18

You know what I'd actually like to know is how to get her to be a little more of a planner and more considerate. This is my home too and I'll have to be here when the celebration is happening as there's nowhere for me to go plus I couldn't afford to go out anyway.

OP posts:
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