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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dd needs to be more considerate?

83 replies

Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 20:29

Dd has a December birthday. As it's difficult to get stuff booked for Dec I asked her back in the summer if she wanted a party or similar. I didn't just ask once we discussed several times as she was unsure but eventually I said she had to make a decision one way or the other.

She said no, no party. Then last weekend she decides she wants one, her asking resulted in an argument because I felt she has blindsided me. Result is she is now having some friends to our home but boundaries have been discussed.

Then tonight she decided she wants to start prepping our home tonight even though we had already discussed and agreed we'd do it at the weekend.

It involves moving some furniture around. I have a pain condition and I also have severe anxiety which she knows I manage by being organised and knowing what I am doing day to day.

She is saying she is too busy to do it another time before the party and so it won't get done the way it needs to be done (my opinion not hers).

So it's 2nd time in a few days she's just dumped a huge job on me.

Aibu to think she needs to be more considerate of the fact it's my home too and of my anxiety and physical limitations?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 21:19

It's not just a few friends coming over its around 20 it's actually a party. She has her close friends round most weekends this is beyond that

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 07/12/2017 21:19

X-post. I think expecting two weeks notice is really extreme, sorry. I used to arrange to have my friends over the same day I rang them. I didn't have to ask permission unless they wanted to sleep over, and even then my parents pretty much always said yes.

I've had anxiety and I get it's horrible but you're letting it negatively affect your DD's teenage years and I think she's bound to be resentful. I'm sure most of her friends don't have to plan to hang out at each other's houses two weeks (or more) in advance.

deepestdarkestperu · 07/12/2017 21:20

Well, you didn't mention that in your OP. 20 friends is obviously different. I think if you'd said that from the outset, the answers would have been different.

Rooooooood · 07/12/2017 21:27

I would just get the first few guests to help move the furniture. It would only take a minute.

I'm also not sure that you need to worry about food, drinks and plates etc. I'd just leave it all to your daughter if you are finding it a bit much. Parties at that age don't really involve food as far as I'm aware. You certainly don't need to spend much money on it. How about hot dogs and rolls for ridiculously easy and cheap food....and she can make it.
I wouldn't have expected much notice of my kids had wanted a party at that age, however, they would have been happy to fit in with my plans.

Kentnurse2015 · 07/12/2017 21:28

I would probably expect it to be around 20 for a 17 year old.

I do get where you are coming from OP and that's why I have said I see it from both sides. Teenagers are never going to be easy to parent. It's in their job description!

Neolara · 07/12/2017 21:29

I think deciding to throw a party 2 weeks in advance of the date is pretty normal.

Goshthatwentwell · 07/12/2017 21:31

People are commenting in the anxiety because that was a key part of your opening post. If you had just said she wanted a party with a weeks notice most people would have commented solely on that.

Ermm · 07/12/2017 21:33

YABU and trying to make your daughter behave in a way that you want to enable you to manage your anxiety. Your anxiety is NOT HER PROBLEM.

She's really doing something pretty normal for a 17 year old that is really not a huge ask.

See it as an opportunity to use techniques to manage your anxiety so that your daughter can do normal things

(and yes I am very aware of the impact of extreme anxiety - it is something for you to mange not for other people to walk on eggshells around)

PrincessLuna · 07/12/2017 21:35

I’m a bit confused. What plannin is actually required? When I was 17 you invited people round, maybe organised a few drinks and some crisps and that was pretty much it? Teenagers might have got more demanding these days though!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/12/2017 21:36

Your AIBU question is 'does my 17 year old daughter NEED to be more considerate?".

I think the answer is yes but it absolutely will not magically happen.

It is developmentally appropriate for a teenager to see things largely from their own point of view. It is our job as parents to cajole, explain, and hold them to account - over and over and over again. If your teenager lacks empathy, she is behaving fairly typically. It is your job, and that of the other adults in her life, to teach her to be more considerate of others. If you think she should just have developed this skill, on her own, by the age of 17, then I think you are being a bit unrealistic. Not unreasonable, just unrealistic. Most young people grow out of the self-obsessed stage but not by 17. This is normal. It's your role to teach - positively, firmly & consistently.
I hope that doesn't sound harsh. It's not meant to. I just think you'll catch more flies with honey here. You need to lead her in the right direction. She wants to be treated as an adult but she needs to behave like one. She needs to internalise that you give respect to get respect. If she is considerate of your anxiety, you will be considerate of her wish to have a party. She is bu to think she can have it all her own way but don't get to frustrated with her. She's being downright normal.
I hope it goes ok op.

JaneEyre70 · 07/12/2017 21:38

We've often arranged DDs parties literally 24 hours before hand, as it takes them forever to decide what to do. Not an issue, and less time to worry and stress about it. Let her move what she wants with her mates, and just remember that it will all be put back in a few days. It's her birthday and she's having a party - let her be a teenager. I don't know many that are that capable of planning a party 6 months ahead.

Maria1982 · 07/12/2017 21:44

You say you want to know how to get her to be more of a planner... I don't think you can! You can't make someone be a planner.

What you can do is make it clear what you will and won't do, and not pick up the slack (if eg non planning means deadlines are missed). Set your boundaries.

Some of my friends in their late twenties and are not planners.
It's just not their personality. This means sometimes things which they have proposed don't end up happening because they didn't plan. On the other hand, in a spontaneous meet up they are great fun. I am a planner, and I've had to learn to step back, not interfere and not rescue.

Obviously a daughter is different than a friend. And as others said, you do have to teach empathy. But teaching planning as part of core personality trait? Not sure it can be enforced.

ButchyRestingFace · 07/12/2017 21:48

Get her and her pals to move the furniture. Otherwise no party.

Are you going to be in the house upstairs whilst this party goes on, OP?

Wolfiefan · 07/12/2017 21:48

Give her a budget and tell her to organise it. If she can't afford what she wants then tough. That's all the money there is. If her friends won't help her shift furniture and it has to happen then she will have to cancel.
She's 17 not 7.
I'm sorry but your anxiety isn't her problem. (I say that as someone who has it too!)

Original poster
Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 21:49

The 6 months ahead would have been if she had wanted a bigger party (which some of her friends have done - talking 60+ guests) not because of the anxiety but because we know from experience it can be murder finding somewhere free at this time of year.

LESS than 2 weeks notice and she is the one that wants food, drink decorations etc organised.

What's thrown me is she used to be more thoughtful, she seems to be in a phase of thinking she can just click her fingers and get what she wants!

OP posts:
JustHope · 07/12/2017 21:53

I am always perplexed by threads relating to teens on MN. Many seem to think they should be self sufficient and independent from Y7 - it is a crime to help them out with homework,organise them for school and they absolutely must do their own laundry. Then on other hand when if want a party mummy and daddy absolutely must facilitate their every whim.

I don’t suffer from anxiety but the thought of 20 teens and possibly more partying in my house fills me with dread so you have my sympathies OP.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 07/12/2017 21:57

What Ermm said, word for word.

OP, YABU. You talk a lot about wanting her to be more 'considerate' and 'thoughtful'. What you mean is you want her to arrange her wants and needs around you, your issues, your anxiety. About which you are very passive (there is nothing you can do about it, it gets worse at this time of year, as if it's a law of nature).

I think she may be pushing your boundaries deliberately. Which isn't nice, no, but I am guessing she has lived with a lot of limitations for a long time and is becoming more assertive - which you call inconsiderate.

I speak as someone who was put through a lot in the name of her mother's (different from yours but in some ways similar) issues and as someone who I suppose also 'has anxiety' - but I am damned if I'm going to make it my dc's problem.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 07/12/2017 21:58

And yy to the PP who said teen self-absorption is a developmental stage. Perhaps she hasn't bee 'allowed' it so far and now she is trying to live it. Better now than she does it to her own dd in her turn, tbh.

I probably sound harsh but the course of my life has left me with little tolerance and understanding for this sort of thing.

RestingGrinchFace · 07/12/2017 22:01

17?! Bloody hell. I would have just said no. If she changed her mind she should have sorted something out herself.

titchy · 07/12/2017 22:02

She is planning ahead though Confused Two weeks ahead is plenty. She wants food drink etc organised - she's being exactly what you want her to be. To have things planned and sorted in plenty of time for the event.

Having to decide six months in advance is so unreasonable it's laughable.

And she has accommodated what you want and cut numbers by two thirds.

treeofhearts · 07/12/2017 22:06

Hand her some cash, point her at Tesco and tell her if she wants furniture moved now she will have to get some pals round to help her shift it. If she moans point out that you asked her months ago if she wanted a party and she said explicitly that she didn't. She is welcome to change her mind but she needs to be cooperating here.

Witchend · 07/12/2017 22:07

At 17yo, it won't be arranged in the summer (when they would have been thinking the world may well end on GCSE results day Wink

What's probably happened is a couple of friends have said "what are you doing?" and she's said "nothing" and they've gone "oh, shall we come round?" Teens do arrange things in a casual way, with little notice. I know my dd1 (also 17yo) when she's been gone to anything like that has usually had less than a week notice. And it's often been done as a "are you doing anything?" "shall we..." rather than formal invites etc.

I don't think it's self absorbed to not want to plan it in the summer-and in a lot of ways especially the summer when GCSEs are happening and people are moving on-she may not have known who she'd still be at school with.

I know my dm was adamant the year she turned 69 that she didn't want a big bash for her 70th. About 3-4 months before her 70th she suddenly decided that she did. My df, who is anti-social to say the least, arranged everything for her without a moan that she hadn't wanted one.

gillybeanz · 07/12/2017 22:09

At 17 she is capable of planning her own party, weeks in advance, especially at this time of year.
YANBU and I wouldn't be pandering to her, irrespective of your anxiety.
It's scary that posters think YABU because you have anxiety.

DistanceCall · 07/12/2017 22:11

You seem to be very comfortable with your anxiety.

becotide · 07/12/2017 22:18

Actually I think you are being rather self absorbed. You expected her to 'just know' that you wouldn't like this, that you wouldn't handle it very well, that money might be tight. You've allowed the party "in my own home" despite hating the idea and not being willing to go out for the evening.

You could have said no to this, but you didn't. Stop the passive aggressive flopping around and lay it down. Don't help her move furniture if it hurts you, tell her to sort it out herself. Give her a small set budget and tell her to arrange extra with her friends. make sure she cleans up afterwards.

And please stop expecting more empathy than a teenager is capable of. You are expecting kindness and understanding from a 17 year old girl, because you feel you need it. You may need it but it doesn't follow that she's able to give a great deal of it, and resenting her for that is grossly unfair.

I suffer anxiety too, if I can't handle something my kids want to have or do, I say no. I don't say yes and then whine.

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