To think dd needs to be more considerate?

[Mumchanges]

Dd has a December birthday. As it's difficult to get stuff booked for Dec I asked her back in the summer if she wanted a party or similar. I didn't just ask once we discussed several times as she was unsure but eventually I said she had to make a decision one way or the other.

She said no, no party. Then last weekend she decides she wants one, her asking resulted in an argument because I felt she has blindsided me. Result is she is now having some friends to our home but boundaries have been discussed.

Then tonight she decided she wants to start prepping our home tonight even though we had already discussed and agreed we'd do it at the weekend.

It involves moving some furniture around. I have a pain condition and I also have severe anxiety which she knows I manage by being organised and knowing what I am doing day to day.

She is saying she is too busy to do it another time before the party and so it won't get done the way it needs to be done (my opinion not hers).

So it's 2nd time in a few days she's just dumped a huge job on me.

Aibu to think she needs to be more considerate of the fact it's my home too and of my anxiety and physical limitations?

she wouldn't even listen to my concerns just lost temper and tried to guilt trip me into everything being done her way.

But were you trying to guilt trip her into doing things your way? How reasonable are your concerns? Not all concerns have to be listened to or taken seriously. Not all are equal. You don't have concerns over the real issues, like whether someone will bring drugs or whether hundreds of people will show up. A lot of your remarks begin with the sentiment, 'I can't...' Too much of this sort of negativity will wear the other person out very fast.

I can't go out as I can't afford to go anywhere and I'm not walking the bloody streets in the middle of December! Friends that are around/I could visit at other times of the year are either away for Christmas or on works nights out etc. People are busy this time of year. Including me
This is the sort of thing I have in mind. It was a response to a PP's suggestion that you don't have to feel trapped at the party all evening and could make other plans. It is just sheer grumpiness. It puts people's backs up. I can see how your DD lost her temper.

Go for a walk or to the cinema, return, meet and mingle and be gracious, retire to your room for a while, come out about 11 and start singing the 'Clean Up' song.
Or not. This is not your DD's problem to solve for you.

Who is the parent here? Who will ultimately deal with the fallout (replacing broken objects, controlling gate crashes, possible sex in the house with all the potential consequences)? And, on a more mundane level, who will actually tidy up the mess?

Unless the daughter is very mature and will plan all this, the parent/home owner can set the rules however they like.

'Who is the parent here? Who will ultimately deal with the fallout (replacing broken objects, controlling gate crashes, possible sex in the house with all the potential consequences)? And, on a more mundane level, who will actually tidy up the mess?'

Those would be the issues you and I would have, and, given robust and open lines of communication, we could discuss these with our child and find solutions all are happy with (e.g. if it were me, I would obv make myself scarce but NFW would I be actually be going out). But these aren't OP's issues. Hers are moving furniture and the (inconcrete) effect on her anxiety. So she'd rather call off the whole project before it gets to the stage of dealing with the issues you mention. But, as becotide rightly points out, she hasn't asserted that right and instead is expecting her dd to naturally do things in exactly the way she would (presumably so she can feel OK about having allowed her dd to have the party and therefore maintain to herself the illusion that she's 'doing well' and her anxiety is not limiting her dd's life). That's an impossible and damaging expectation. I say this with the voice of experience. I had the expectation placed on me that I would do things exactly as my mother wished me to - it was an unspoken expectation, but when I violated it the consequences were terrible. And I hear that attitude in the OP.

OP, I'm sorry for using the third person. You need to reflect closely on your expectations of your dd and take them into your therapy. I know what I am saying isn't easy to hear, but in some ways I have been your dd.

I don't have anxiety OP, but I can be sympathetic to you. You are getting some really shitty responses here.

She can have a party in January if she doesn't make her mind up until early December. Nobody died b/c they had a birthday event weeks late. It's pretty jolly easy to get bookings in January. Doesn't sound like you ever made this suggestion.

It sounds like the party@home is outside your comfort zone, but not impossible for you. I'd want to be pushed outside my comfort zone. I suppose someone will shout comfort-zone-pushing is never a way to make anxiety better; yet it's what normal folk do to become stronger.

She does sound selfish... selfish is a good net thing. I'm fed up of reading about women on MN who won't stand up for their own interests. A bit of sharp-elbowed cow behaviour is something I'm glad about in DD, even though it causes me stress sometimes, too.

I feel for you organising a party at late notice at this time of year. But I think you should have just said no and offered her some money to stand her pals a coffee/drink/cinema or something. Better say no, which is completely reasonable that say yes but then become critical of her.

I think OP is getting a hard time here too. I would just say no to teen parties in the family home and so would plenty of other parents I've known. They have a reputation for good reason.

OP you have said yes, you've done your bit. She can't make you move furniture. Just tell her to make the arrangements herself. Give her the agreed budget and she can go and buy plates cups food etc and her friends can help her move furniture and decorate.

She is 17 not 7, so far beyond the right to big birthday parties like was expected at primary school. Based on the OPs past experience of a house party and knowing how these things can get out of hand, it is understandable to be worried about this. Who wants to risk their home being damaged or being responsible for 17 year olds being drunk or hurt? Ultimately it is the OPs responsibility so if she doesn’t want to take this on I really this that’s pretty reasonable.