Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dd needs to be more considerate?

83 replies

Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 20:29

Dd has a December birthday. As it's difficult to get stuff booked for Dec I asked her back in the summer if she wanted a party or similar. I didn't just ask once we discussed several times as she was unsure but eventually I said she had to make a decision one way or the other.

She said no, no party. Then last weekend she decides she wants one, her asking resulted in an argument because I felt she has blindsided me. Result is she is now having some friends to our home but boundaries have been discussed.

Then tonight she decided she wants to start prepping our home tonight even though we had already discussed and agreed we'd do it at the weekend.

It involves moving some furniture around. I have a pain condition and I also have severe anxiety which she knows I manage by being organised and knowing what I am doing day to day.

She is saying she is too busy to do it another time before the party and so it won't get done the way it needs to be done (my opinion not hers).

So it's 2nd time in a few days she's just dumped a huge job on me.

Aibu to think she needs to be more considerate of the fact it's my home too and of my anxiety and physical limitations?

OP posts:
Andylion · 07/12/2017 22:18

If it's a party for 20 people I think your DD should have given you more than two weeks notice, especially as, as this time of year, you will likely have a lot of other things to do.

PumpkinSquash · 07/12/2017 22:19

Why is the OP getting such a hard time? Surely it's not difficult for a teenager (17 years old at that to say whether she wants a party or not a few months before hand and not spring it on OP a few weeks before her actual birthday?!
The dd said she didn't want a party. Then a few weeks before said she did, knowing that it can be hard to get one booked in Dec (OP's words.)
I feel for OP, cannot be doing with ditherers myself, they drive me mad!
YANBU, and all the comments about her anxiety are a bit uncalled for as that's neither here or there - it won't help the situation, but the dd's dithering and messing her about won't help.

larrygrylls · 07/12/2017 22:20

What is this brave new world in which teenagers’ every whim has to be pandered to? Why do people have such low expectations of teenagers?

If it is ‘developmentally normal’ to be selfish and unempathetic and it is an adults’ responsibility to teach it to them, then that means saying no sometimes and meaning it.

There is no divine right to have 20 people around at 2 weeks notice. Some people are v cool with it, good for them (of course easier with s big house and a lot of money). OP, on the other hand, isn’t. That is also fine. Her daughter should be told to find a compromise, a dinner with a few friends or a party later on when the OP is up for it.

Jux · 07/12/2017 22:21

By this age, she should be organising her own party, and doing all the extra work, just within a budget set by you, and checking with you frequently along the way.

If she wants heavy furniture moved then she does it, by herself or with friends, but not with you. And she moves it back after or sanctions apply.

LemonysSnicket · 07/12/2017 22:22

two weeks is a decent amount of notice though? she's having some mates over ... they'll eat pizza and have fun. When i was seventeen ( and a very good kid) I ended up with 50 teens in my mums house getting drunk.
I think she's doing her best but tbh, with teenager politics, she may have been uncertain as to who to invite more than two weeks prior ( fall-outs, suddenly being mean etc).
I think you're being really constricting, which isn't you fault, but let her live a little.

becotide · 07/12/2017 22:22

What is this brave new world in which we say yes to something we don't want, because we're weak, and then whine about it?

PumpkinSquash · 07/12/2017 22:25

What is this brave new world in which we say yes to something we don't want, because we're weak, and then whine about it?

And if she'd have posted "AIBU to have told my daughter no, she's not having a party?" you can bet the responses would have been along the lines of " why should your dd miss out because of your anxiety and hang ups, YABU, let her have a party!"
Can't bloody win on here.

Whoyagonna · 07/12/2017 22:36

What exactly makes you anxious about his party? Why does furniture need to be moved?
Presumably, it will be 20 kids, loud music (alcohol?), hi-jinks, and a few pizzas which you can cook in the oven.
2 weeks is plenty of time to plan and organise it.
Break it down to one thing a day for her (or you) to organise.
She's a teenager. She's entitled to a life. She's entitled to a birthday party. Heck, 4 year olds have 20 kids over for their parties. And they are a lot more anxiety-inducing in my experience!

Whoyagonna · 07/12/2017 22:39

Is your anxiety more that you are worried about having the house clean and tidy enough?
Poundland sell oodles of decorations. 10 should see the place decked out.
Another 10 on pizzas.
Another 20 on drinks (depending on whether you are allowing alcohol or not).
If things are that tight, the party can be her birthday present.

Whoyagonna · 07/12/2017 22:41

50 paper plates are about £1 in poundland.

becotide · 07/12/2017 22:43

And why the hell would you ask on Mumsnet AIBU about anything to do with a teenager and expect reasonable answers and a clear conclusion? I have a teenager. No parties. NO. That's that. I don't care what anyone thinks on the matter. Therefore I don't ask.

But if I DID ask, I would listen to the answers.

Whoyagonna · 07/12/2017 22:44

And if the thoughts of 20 kids in your home sends you over the edge, just take yourself to your bedroom with ear-plugs or the TV on loud.

Whoyagonna · 07/12/2017 22:47

Becotide - you're a big meanie! Did they have parties as kids?

Original poster
Mumchanges · 07/12/2017 22:59

I do feel like I'm getting a hard time on the anxiety. I haven't chosen to have it nor am I passive about it. As I said I am having treatment which I am fully engaged with and have actually done really well this year. That actually may be part of the problem, dd has seen the improvement and thinks I'm doing a lot better than I am.

I don't cope well with strangers coming over, I only know about 6 of the guests AT ALL as most are people she's met relatively recently.

The last time it was more than the close friends stuff did get damaged/broken and someone almost got hurt. I feel responsible for these kids if they're in my home and il sure if I didn't I would get slated for that too Hmm

It'll be music, dancing, carrying on, at least half are over 18 so drinking too.

It's a small flat and awkwardly laid out which makes fitting people in difficult so won't be contained to one room.

I can't go out as I can't afford to go anywhere and I'm not walking the bloody streets in the middle of December! Friends that are around/I could visit at other times of the year are either away for Christmas or on works nights out etc. People are busy this time of year. Including me.

I do my best to ensure dd has as normal a life as possible (she also has health issues) but initially she wouldn't even listen to my concerns just lost temper and tried to guilt trip me into everything being done her way.

OP posts:
Whoyagonna · 08/12/2017 00:01

Just don't panic about it. It will all be fine.

Whoyagonna · 08/12/2017 00:04

Remove vases or ornaments or photos etc. It won't be that bad. There will be some friendly kids and some awkward ones, but your dd is the hostess, not you, so keep yourself scarce!

Whoyagonna · 08/12/2017 00:05

And hopefully she'll have a lovely birthday party to remember in her dotage (like me haha).

kmc1111 · 08/12/2017 01:24

It's a house party for 20 people. Two weeks notice is loads. She hasn't asked for any activities or a venue, nothing that would be hard to book or organise. Just some people over to the house, some food and some decorations. When my DC were teenagers they and their friends would regularly organise that type of party on less than 24 hours notice. Usually with considerably more guests.

You want her to plan ahead, but you're also upset with her because she's thinking ahead about things like moving the furniture. It doesn't sound like she can win really, unless she just does everything exactly as you would choose to do it.

Just give her whatever you can afford for food and decorations and leave her to it. There's no reason this has to be difficult.

GertyTheGert · 08/12/2017 01:50

Strikes me everyone is "blaming" the Mum - showing no sympathy for her at all! I feel for her actually - 17 yr olds have a brain and I think pandering isn't too a strong word as the daughter should appreciate if money is a bit tight, more notice is/was required for the drinks/snacks/food. Its not as though its orange squash and crisps night! I agree also that the anxiety IS no-one else's business - the Mum only mentioned it in passing really. Also it isn't a case of "some friends coming over" is it?! Or maybe its just an innocent remark with little experience of 15/16/17 yr olds and their parties?

twattymctwatterson · 08/12/2017 01:57

People are commenting on your anxiety because that's actually the thing causing the problem. Your DD is behaving like a normal 17 year old. You are the parent and she's not there to manage your anxiety. It's great you're getting help but I think you need to deal with this by realising that DD isn't the problem and the way you're feeling is a symptom of the anxiety.

WilyMinx · 08/12/2017 02:03

I'd just be hands off with the whole thing. She'll be 17, not 7. I'd give her some money and she can arrange it all herself. By 18, I was working and living on my own, certainly not hanging around the house waiting for mum to arrange a party and move some furniture. I don't see why her friends can't help.

GertyTheGert · 08/12/2017 02:04

PS Entitlement? To a party? Children/teenagers (etc) do need to learn the meaning of money and what is or isn't entitlement. I found it a bit odd that folk are saying oh its easy, throw some drink and food together - so that takes money. 20 people ain't going to cost £40 - alcohol will be expected, soft drinks will be needed, grub, snax. My two sons had parties but like this Mum, I asked them in advance (and we put in boundaries like - finishes 1am etc etc). Nowadays its also a slight worry over Facebook issues etc - will uninvited people turn up etc etc etc......

MarrowWang · 08/12/2017 02:05

I would have just said flat out no to be honest, when it was decided last week that her plans had changed.

GertyTheGert · 08/12/2017 02:10

WilyMinx I sort of agree with you - daughter organise with her friends - the money issue will make her see how far/not so far money goes for parties ...........

mathanxiety · 08/12/2017 02:43

Asking for two weeks notice is unreasonable.
Fretting about things getting broken and strangers in your flat and the layout and how it will all work is also unreasonable.
So is fretting about buying paper plates and plastic cups and cutlery.

You can do something about all of that and teens will figure out how to manage the layout. So it won't be contained to one room - possibly not a big deal.

She is already trying to get a start by moving the furniture. This is good. Your objections are unreasonable.

You can also ask your DD to brainstorm with you to get it all accomplished. How will she manage food and drinks? Would she be willing to show you SM profiles of people she is inviting? Can you move things or put them away so they won't get broken?

Can she ask her friends to this pot luck style? Bring their own crisps and popcorn, bring their own drinks (or you supply soft drinks), and whatever other nibbles or sandwiches anyone fancies, along with the plates and containers for it all?

It's not unreasonable to establish a finishing time. Say 11.30 and expect them out by midnight.

In my experience, teenage parties are planned and executed with a minimum of detailed planning, and as long as your teen isn't a real wild child of some sort, with a group of equally wild friends, all is well.

You have to go with the flow more with teens that it appears you are able to do. This really is causing the problem here.

Your anxiety is causing you to try to control far too much - flat layout, whether DD moves the furniture and when... Your anxiety is also causing you to try to control the pace at which it is all organised.

Try to imagine the absolute worst thing that could happen wrt this party - what is it that you fear here?