torn between DP and DS, WWYD

[Goodfood1]

My DS who's 25 sent me a message last night saying he wants to split with his GF & can he stay at ours a few nights. We have a spare room. my DP (Not DS's father) went on a massive rant about how my DS is an adult and should act like one not run to Mum.

I know my DP doesn't feel comfortable with others in the house and in particular my DS. Now I didn't ask if he could come and stay I just told my DP about the message, I then was unable to hardly say a word and when i managed to he wasn't listening and jumped in straight away.

In the end I was really upset, he stayed downstairs till late and I went to bed.

My DS won't stay longer than a few days as GF is leaving next week for xmas and he is going away soon too, but I do understand where my DP is coming from, he even struggled with his own sister staying with before we even lived together.

my family comes from an everyone is welcome background, he hardly ever had people at his home.

Now WWYD?
I have 2 issues here,

1. balancing the welcome or not of my DS to my home.
2. DP who when he's on a rant listens to no-one which leaves me angry and frustrated.

sorry if its long.

I agree curry , that's a positively unhealthy view IMO. So a child who abuses his cousin or hits his mum or steals from his step father should always come before any of those people?

I also agree that the DP in this case is justified in his reaction. If he's usually a decent man (which OP says he is) he is probably dreading the return of the man he's only just managed to get rid of.

I have my own house, went to stay at my mum and dads for the weekend because I'm struggling with my mental health, that was 6 weeks ago and I'm still here, my mum and dad haven't once asked me when I'm going home

Has anyone actually read the OP's posts at all? Or are you just so determined to give the man a kicking hmm

I read them. I can’t see any justification for siding with him, he has absolutely no reasoning for not allowing it other than “he should be an adult”

He’s not being asked to give up his bed, he’s not being asked to look after him, to take time off work, to go without. His reasoning is entirely on principle and he doesn’t get to dictate that to his partner. Children absolutely do come before a partner that partner is not their parent.

That's a positively unhealthy view IMO. So a child who abuses his cousin or hits his mum or steals from his step father should always come before any of those people?

I don't think anybody is suggesting that. And unless there is a massive back-story that the son is abusive or a thief, that doesn't seem to be the case anyway - the fact that the son has recently stayed with the OP means they must have a decent relationship - I would just question why a grown man who supposedly cares about his partner would want to come between her and her DC.

Have you read them all Original? There was a major dripfeed about the son's track record.

I wasn't saying that's what's happened in this case BadTasteFlump, I was saying that the assertion that a child must always come first in all circumstances, which has been made numerous times on this thread, is simply not true.

I work with children who have been permanently excluded from school and with young offenders and I'm afraid (among many other problems) very many of those children grew up in households where the world revolved around them, at great cost to their parents and their relationships.

I don't understand as a Mum how you can be torn. Your child needs you. He is emotional, going through a break up. The last worry he should have is that his own Mum might potentially not let him home for a while.
Why did you even get in to a relationship with someone who didn't want to be around your child?
The responsibility doesn't stop at 18. You are a unit for ever.

The other major concern is that he feels he can rant at you rather than talk things through. Are you just sitting back and accepting that? Would you allow your son or your boss or any one else rant at you without compromise?
People treat us how we allow them to.

My dh is not the father of my two adult dc(43 and 47) nor am I the mother of any of his 3. If any of them asked to come home for a while they would be welcomed with open arms.

I would seriously reconsider any man, who didn't understand the concept of motherhood. As for him shutting down, spitting his dummy out, the guy is a disaster waiting to happen.
Your Son comes first, if you can't turn to your own Mother, then who can you turn to, this shouldn't be a debatable issue.

In his position I’d be pretty pissed off too. They’ve only just moved in together and can’t hack living together after just one month. You say your ds can be a dick and your dp too. Perhaps your ds is difficult to live with by the sound of it. And your dp as well.

Bottom line, I’d want this to be a very short term arrangement. Not because my child isn’t welcome. But because I think he needs to grow up and I don’t think living with you will help. You helped him find a place to live with his now exgf. So I imagine you can do the same again.

I don’t understand how he’s gone about leaving the property, which I assume is a rental and therefore on a minimum 6 month tenancy. They must have signed a tenancy agreement. I’m perplexed.

You've only been with/lived with this man for 6 months and he's like this. I would be seriously considering how long term I wanted this to be.

He is fine with your six year old now, but what about when they become a stroppy teenager?

Most people would like to think they can rely on their parents when they're having a tough time.

Your DS isn't looking for money or favours, he is looking for a bed. And the home of your parent(s) should always be a safety net for anyone, at any age. I'm 35, and at least twice a year my dad reminds me that the door is always open (I work in the charity sector and he thinks I'm skint, but I'm fine!). But I find it sweet and reassuring.

This shouldn't be called in to question.

Can you imagine if this was the other way around? The OP posts about how she moved in with her partner 6 months ago but he moved his (that is a dick to be around, his family says) son and GF in without asking her, knowing she hates guests, and when they finally left weeks later the so wants to come back yet again, and nobody cares what she thinks?

It wouldn't be "adult kids come before anything else" it would be ltb, he doesn't care about your feelings, you should have a say in who lives in your home,..."

The bias is appalling and the martyrish idea of always putting adult kids first is worse.

I'm in the your kids come first camp, no matter how old, if they need a roof over their head.

Try and make sure he's there the least time possible though, if your dp struggles with it.

My biggest issue isn't about putting a partner first, and if that's ever appropriate (I'm sure in some cases it is) - but about putting a partner of six months first. Six months is absolutely nothing, and if a new partner (which six months is, imo) even hinted about putting up barriers between me and my DC, that would be it for me.

Your home is as much yours as it is your OHs, you have as Much right to say who does and who doesn't come to stay. If you want your DS to come and stay its up to you really

but its not her DP's home and its not up to him who comes to stay? How is that fair?

Really don't agree with you curry.

My biggest issue isn't about putting a partner first, and if that's ever appropriate (I'm sure in some cases it is) - but about putting a partner of six months first. Six months is absolutely nothing, and if a new partner (which six months is, imo) even hinted about putting up barriers between me and my DC, that would be it for me

Do you think she met him the day they moved in together? He is not a partner of 6 months.

Ok Thanks everyone, and sorry that I drip fed, really didn't mean to.
I have just got of the phone to my DS and told him he's welcome to stay but has to be short term. I've also asked him to give me till tomorrow to discuss with DP, i explained DP's difficulty accepting people in the house and he understands that.
DS isn't a thief or abusive just a bit of a know it all, and I think they are both dicks TBH.
Curry I agree with you and am trying to see it from both sides, but we will have to let my son stay for 1 week if that's what he needs.
we have been together longer than 6 months, That is just the time we have lived together.
I think there is an in the middle road here, and hope there is room for compromise.
the rant and not letting me speak to discuss options hurt the most, si I will try to talk about it again tonight and where I accept he wouldn't want my son long term he cannot refuse him a week.
Thanks everyone, a lot of constructive help and perspective has come from your replies and I am grateful

There was a major dripfeed about the son's track record.

No there wasn’t. There was a note about his having lived there with his GF for a short while. There is nothing to suggest he has a “track record”. Still not enough to rant and be unreasonable about.

I'm glad you are looking at it from both sides, OP. you have more sense than the other posters on this thread.
They'd have you single and alone and only important as a safety net for your children. I imagine you see yourself as more important than that.

No there wasn’t. There was a note about his having lived there with his GF for a short while. There is nothing to sugest he has a “track record

his own mother said he is a bit of a dick and that his sister struggles with him too.

I'm not seeing the red flags that other people are seeing. My DH really struggles in some environments. He finds it hard to deal with guests, just as my son (who is possibly autistic) just can't tolerate a shopping centre. It's not him being a dick, it's just a really difficult thing for him to cope with. It's a very out of control, overload situation for him, and other people saying it's trivial doesn't help.

Hopefully when your DP has calmed down you will be able to talk about it and agree a solution. Children not being welcome in the parent's house is a shitty option, hopefully he has enough love for his children (who will hopefully visit someday) and enough respect for you to find another. Eg could he arrange to go out some evenings to get some headspace?

I think I'd approach it that this is something he can get over, and take steps towards that. You have a (partly grown up) blended family, it's unrealistic to expect none of your children ever to stay again. But just saying he's being a dick won't get anyone anywhere IF it's a genuine thing, not a power play/dick move.

I hate having house guests, but what is the reason he particularly dislikes your son staying over?

That would be a huge issue for me. If my DH’s son needed to be I would make him feel welcome.