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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

torn between DP and DS, WWYD

133 replies

Goodfood1 · 07/12/2017 10:03

My DS who's 25 sent me a message last night saying he wants to split with his GF & can he stay at ours a few nights. We have a spare room. my DP (Not DS's father) went on a massive rant about how my DS is an adult and should act like one not run to Mum.

I know my DP doesn't feel comfortable with others in the house and in particular my DS. Now I didn't ask if he could come and stay I just told my DP about the message, I then was unable to hardly say a word and when i managed to he wasn't listening and jumped in straight away.

In the end I was really upset, he stayed downstairs till late and I went to bed.

My DS won't stay longer than a few days as GF is leaving next week for xmas and he is going away soon too, but I do understand where my DP is coming from, he even struggled with his own sister staying with before we even lived together.

my family comes from an everyone is welcome background, he hardly ever had people at his home.

Now WWYD?
I have 2 issues here,

  1. balancing the welcome or not of my DS to my home.
  2. DP who when he's on a rant listens to no-one which leaves me angry and frustrated.

sorry if its long.

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 07/12/2017 10:48

It's all very well being the sort of bloke who doesn't feel comfortable with people staying at his house, but not when he shares that house with a partner with grown-up children, surely?

tinypop4 · 07/12/2017 10:48

Both me, my siblings and several of my friends have had to spend a couple of weeks with parents when relationships have broken up in our 20s. We have always been welcome and my mum always always made room for us. She wouldn't have considered saying no and still wouldn't a decade on.
Your DP is being an arse, he should suck it up as he is in a relationship with you and you have DC. I'm kinda surprised you're even considering not allowing your own son home for a few days.

Bobbins43 · 07/12/2017 10:49

Your DP is being a dick. Seriously.

LondonGirl83 · 07/12/2017 10:50

Your son should come first if it's just a week. When you share your life with someone who has children you have to accept that's part of the deal.

MatildaTheCat · 07/12/2017 10:51

Ok, I get the mid twenties son who can be annoying. And he’s stayed recently and presumably been a bit, or lot, annoying then?

So he’s not THAT U to feel upset. However he is U to voice this in anything other than an eye roll.

Be clear to DS that he needs to be respectful, clean and polite and not wake you up in the middle of the night etc. Then tell dp that it’s actually not up for discussion as unfortunately children are for a lifetime.

I’m guessing he doesn’t have dc? And maybe you should have bought a house without a spare room?

BadTasteFlump · 07/12/2017 10:54

Meant to also say I experienced similar with my mother when I was in my 20's and needed help - she had a new boyfriend who made it very clear that it was now 'his' home and not mine. She didn't actively take his side, but definitely didn't take mine, sneaking around behind his back to try and keep me at a distance and him happy - because she didn't want to upset him. Our relationship never recovered because I just never felt she had my back after that - and I know that I would never, ever let a man come between me and my DC.

Original poster
Goodfood1 · 07/12/2017 10:55

Thank you and I agree with what most of you have said, It hard to see the whole context or to explain it, but as I said previously he comes from a home where no-one ever stayed over, mine was always an open house. But he was being a dick last night and its making me want to put some other important decisions on hold to see how we can resolve these issues.
I also have a 6 yr old who lives with us and who he is great with, and like i said he struggled with his own sister staying at mine. for the rest he is a great guy honestly but something triggered last night and it is not good.

OP posts:
dolphinbbq · 07/12/2017 10:56

I am in the middle of a relationship breakdown and running back to my Mum because of circumstances.

It's only temporary. Your DP is being U to think that you would turn your back on your DS.

In the interests of family, do not let your DP win this. Your son comes first.

Daisymay2 · 07/12/2017 10:57

If I were you, I would be seriously upset with your Partner's reaction and subsequent attitude. I can't deal with those who think that once children get to 18 they are on their own. Their brains are still developing until they are 25 or more . He needs your support. Even if he is a character.

It would really make me doubt if I wanted to be with him.

Original poster
Goodfood1 · 07/12/2017 10:58

oh and he does have a DD and DSD from his previous relationship both of which he adores, they are in there teens and have never come to visit yet but only because they are in another country and the mother hasn't been cooperative so he has to visit them.
We have been living together 6 months now.

I really didnt want to drip feed ...sorry

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 07/12/2017 10:59

They do have a spare room, MatildaTheCat, they had the DS and his GF staying for a month not long ago. And yes, it would be understandable if there was an eye roll and a 'not again' comment, but not to rant and not listen.

Surely that's how family works at its best? Helping each other out when we need help? And a DS is for life, then in years to come your DS and DD will be there for you when you become elderly. Mutual love and support.

chocdog · 07/12/2017 11:02

Leave your partner obviously. He sounds like a right bastard.

What RestingGrinchface said.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2017 11:03

I don't like having guests but you simply can't say no to your own DS and your DP is being awful about this. But if there is a backstory about your DS causing trouble well that could be a bit different. But I still think a few days should be fine whatever the circumstances.

Original poster
Goodfood1 · 07/12/2017 11:04

Thanks Lizzie you are so right and I have always put my children first and always been there for them and will continue to do so.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 07/12/2017 11:04

Sounds like this experiment isn't working. If only six months after moving in he's trying to distance you from your kids then how can he possibly be the man for you?

Does the six year old ever have friends round?

Daisymay2 · 07/12/2017 11:05

Don't 'spose he will be wanting his kids to stay when his Ex is more co-operative then? What about if they want to return to the UK- will he welcome them to your shared home?

Get the distinct feeling that last night is making you think about your relationship

RosyWelshcakes · 07/12/2017 11:06

I know my DP doesn't feel comfortable with others in the house and in particular my DS.

Wow! Cant you see that he's isolating you from your loved one? Its the hallmark sign of an abuser.

Show him the door now and save yourself further heartache.

Your son must be feeling like shit. I can remember when one of mine broke up with a longterm girlfriend he'd hoped to marry. It was horrific. He came home on compassionate leave from where he was working away and we all rallied round him. Its what families do.

Your son will never have another mother but you can find another partner.

BadTasteFlump · 07/12/2017 11:08

If you've only been living together six months and have no DC together - I'm wondering why you're prepared to put up with this kind of controlling shit? Don't let him isolate you from your real family Sad

DonkeyOil · 07/12/2017 11:08

My ds would always take priority. I'm assuming your dp doesn't have children? Don't turn your back on your ds when he needs you. It may have disastrous consequences for your relationship with him. I would question whether I could remain with a partner who didn't respect the importance of my relationships with my children and other family members.

curryforbreakfast · 07/12/2017 11:08

oh come on, that is a massive dripfeed!

so its not at all "my DP won't let my son stay for a few nights" its more like "My DP is mad that my very difficult son wants to come back only a few weeks after we got him and his GF to move out of our house"?

Epic dripfeed. I feel sorry for the DP here.

PinkyBlunder · 07/12/2017 11:09

Stop making excuses for him.

Your DP sounds pathetic.

Redhead17 · 07/12/2017 11:10

Your partner is being a throbber of the highest order I expected this to be about step dad and teen not getting on.

Also when you got together I am assuming he knew you had a child? Which clearly he did, send him off to his mum.

Children no matter how old should come before anyone

Originalfoogirl · 07/12/2017 11:11

All three of us have ended up going back to my parents at some point. We’re all in our forties now but would absolutely be welcome if we had to do it again. It would be different if you were talking about a friend or if you constantly had lots of guests and he hated it, but this is your son, it sounds like it is your house so son comes to stay and if he doesn’t like it, bloke can go somewhere else for a few days. The issue is whatever crap went on in his life with his parents. You and your children come first. Would he have the same issue if your 23 yo daughter wanted to come and stay?

It’s ironic that your OH is ranting about not being an adult when the only childish behaviour I can see here is his.

curryforbreakfast · 07/12/2017 11:11

Children no matter how old should come before anyone

This is so not true.

Has anyone actually read the OP's posts at all? Or are you just so determined to give the man a kicking Hmm

inlectorecumbit · 07/12/2017 11:12

Do not turn your back on your DS when he needs your help. Your DP is an arse.