torn between DP and DS, WWYD

[Goodfood1]

My DS who's 25 sent me a message last night saying he wants to split with his GF & can he stay at ours a few nights. We have a spare room. my DP (Not DS's father) went on a massive rant about how my DS is an adult and should act like one not run to Mum.

I know my DP doesn't feel comfortable with others in the house and in particular my DS. Now I didn't ask if he could come and stay I just told my DP about the message, I then was unable to hardly say a word and when i managed to he wasn't listening and jumped in straight away.

In the end I was really upset, he stayed downstairs till late and I went to bed.

My DS won't stay longer than a few days as GF is leaving next week for xmas and he is going away soon too, but I do understand where my DP is coming from, he even struggled with his own sister staying with before we even lived together.

my family comes from an everyone is welcome background, he hardly ever had people at his home.

Now WWYD?
I have 2 issues here,

1. balancing the welcome or not of my DS to my home.
2. DP who when he's on a rant listens to no-one which leaves me angry and frustrated.

sorry if its long.

I remember calling my parents whilst sitting on the floor of DDs bedroom with DD in my arms, both of us sobbing as now XDH had just lost his temper monumentally (again) (n.b. it never happened again as I threw him out, called the police and divorced the arse) and I needed to get out of there temporarily for safety/sanity's sake. They said "no - you're a grown-up, you need to stay there and deal with it".

I will NEVER forgive them for that and have made a promise to myself that my door will always be open to my daughter and stepdaughters if they need me.

Grown men going to their mum when relationships break down/crises happen is not at all uncommon - you hear about it all the time on MN!

So no, you're not U - your DP is.

Any man who tries to tell me my son isn't welcome in our house will quickly find himself looking for housing. Fuck that shit. Controlling cunt.

If your ds asked to come back on a more permanent basis, I could understand your dp being in a huff. But for a few days?? That's not much to ask, is it? If it was me, I'd have put my foot down and gave dp a complete earful (and then some!)

Red flag much?

Can you afford where you live without dp? I wouldn't normally chuck out a ltb but it's your son who has just had a relationship breakup and now has nowhere to live of course you have to be there for him.

Seeing as DP finds this so unworkable he will have to go.

DP is being dick unless there’s a massive backstory with your DS

Thankfully both my parents’ new partners were always welcoming when I went to stay. I spent months living in my stepmothers house (my dad had moved in with her) at one point.

I am 50 and I am damn sure if I needed to 'go home' to mum she would welcome me with open arms!

My children always, always come first if they need me. A few days is an entirely reasonable request.

Who owns the house/pays the mortgage?

This is your own child asking to stay for a few days, not your sibling or friend, and not someone asking to move in.

If you live with somebody you do have to take their needs into consideration - but that works both ways. Its not only you who should have to consider him, but equally he, you.

You wouldn't move your son back in long term because of your partner's discomfort, but did you move in together on the understanding your son / children would never, ever again stay the night with you? If you did that was a very strange thing to do - it seems unlikely any parent would agree to that condition!

I've let 2 different friends stay in my spare room for a few weeks while they were in similar circumstances, isnt that what people do for people they care about? It's sad that your partner wont even consider that for your own son.

HOw can you be 'torn' between your son and your dp?

Son first, foremost and always, in my house/heart/life.

You should allow your son to stay. Your DP sounds like a twat. I'm not sure how you ended up living with a man who is uncomfortable with you having your own child in the house, but given that you have, then you are going to have to be prepared to stand up to him about it.

There is no discussion to be had as far as I am concerned. Your DS needs you support for a few days or weeks. Your DP either sucks it up with good grace or fucks off.

Inform your 'd' p that being a dm doesn't stop once they get to 18.
Bunting BTW not flag.

I hate having people stay. I struggle with anxiety and my home is my refuge so I try and avoid having anyone over but meet people out places. However in your dps position I would totally suck it up and realise it's one of those situations I just need to put up with. Maybe tell him this is your son and he cant always dictate who stays and this is important to you. Maybe he will calm down? You might need to put some house rules in place and tell your son it's not long term though.

DS comes first without a doubt. It is an exceptional circumstance from the sounds of it, not like he is turning up all the time.

I'm 32. I know I can still run back to my mum whenever I need to. Her partner would also be supportive. You have some things to evaluate regarding your relationship.

In this case, (unless as I said there's a massive backstory) of course the son should be able to stay for a while, but I don't believe children always and absolutely being number one priority, regardless of the circumstances is either necessary or healthy, regardless of their age.

Thanks, Yes I know my DS comes first, but tbh he's a particular character (Can seem a bit of a dick sometimes) and even my DD who is 23 struggles with him, but yes this was a temporary thing. normally we discuss things properly and like adults, but he just went off into one
Sorry to drip feed but i forgot to say that my DS and his GF lived with us up till a month ago for about a month whilst looking for a place, nothing went wrong there was no argueing, and I think DP just struggled with the thought of oh not again. But he didn't listen at all, I didn't get a word in so that we could even discuss it.

I can afford to live in this house alone but its not what i want.

Really sorry for not writing all the above in original post.

I know my DP doesn't feel comfortable with others in the house and in particular my DS.

Still mystified about how you can end up living with someone who feels that way about your son, even if he is 25.

It doesn't really matter the circumstances (break-up or not), but living in a situation where your adult children are not welcome to stay overnight at your house is not a healthy one to be in. I could completely understand if your DS was asking to move in with you and live there full-time for the forseeable future. But having adult children come to visit and stay with you is a normal part of being a parent. I don't personally love house guests myself. Frankly, they are a lot of work. But family is family. My mum comes to stay with us for a week at a time and our children (when they're grown) will of course be welcome to come and stay. My MIL has a partner (there are bigger issues here than just this, but to make a point) who refuses to allow anyone to stay with them. We live 1.5 hours away. Your DS may not have children of his own yet, but likely one day he will. What will you do at Christmas or for birthdays or other special days if he isn't allowed to stay over with you? For us, it's meant we rarely see family because going to visit them means getting a holiday cottage to stay in, which becomes expensive. I do totally understand not wanting house guests in and out all the time (especially if your partner is the one who does all the cleaning and cooking and entertaining, but something tells me he doesn't), but your parents or children or other close family staying for a few nights is part of normal family life. I wouldn't be with someone like that. It's very controlling. I would tell him to shove it and have your DS come stay with you.

Prick. Sorry OP but your DP is a prick.

I can't imagine not helping out my kids in a time of crisis.

All your DP has to do is be supportive for a few days. Ffs. It's not hard. This might be an opportunity to have a long hard look at your relationship.

Ah ok, sorry crossed posts, that gives it some context.

Young adult children can be very very trying at times and it's hard for us to love being around them sometimes, even harder for people who aren't parents to them.

But I still think he has to suck it up. It's part of the deal of being in a relationship with someone who is a parent.

Ok so maybe there's a bit of "Oh no not again" as you put it - I could understand that feeling about almost anybody being in 'my space' - but not ever my own DC. For some reason your DH doesn't seem to have read the memo that your children always come first - or at least equal to. And that your home will always be their home too.

I would bring him up to date on the way it stands pretty quick. If he can't accept that, I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with such a selfish man-child, to be honest.

My dd 28 came home after a recent break up, my dh - not her df - welcomed her with open arms. We wiped her tears, packed her stuff, found her a new home and helped her move. It's called parenting - she needed us, why would we not be there for her? Your 'd'p really is showing his true colors.

My brother went back to live with our mum in his 30s when his marriage ended, my neice and nephew regularly stayed over and after a couple of years his new girlfriend and her 2 daughters moved in with us too while they saved for a house. My mum slept on a mattress on my bedroom floor. I'm sure my mum would welcome me back if needed and she definatly wouldn't let a partner decide whether I was welcome or not, she would get rid of him.
I would do the same for my children.