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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a little sad? (Secret Santa related)

141 replies

JollyGiraffe · 06/12/2017 19:48

At work amongst our group of 10 including our manager did a Secret Santa.

We are a fairly close group, spend quite a lot of time together and I get on well with everyone (although I don't know my manager as well).

Our budget was minimum £20, and date of exchange decided a month ago.

I found a great gift for the person I was buying for, as they had briefly mentioned in conversation that they wanted it. They were very grateful and genuinely happy with their gift, which to me is much more important than receiving a gift. I get very excited when people open presents I have bought them!

Everyone else received lovely personal gifts, such as a new clutch bag, makeup, something related to their upcoming wedding, scarves, personalised gifts and candles.

My gift was a box of chocolates. It was not even wrapped, and was given in the carrier bag it was bought in, receipt still inside. The person had not spent even the minimum £20. Of course, I said thank you (although I don't know who bought them). It was quite difficult to be ecstatic about a box of chocolates though!

Other people in our department were admiring people's gifts, and when they asked to see what I got they looked a bit awkward and didn't know what to say Blush

I am not a difficult person to buy for- I have interests which the others are all aware of (although perhaps maybe my manager doesn't).

AIBU to be a little upset?

OP posts:
Thetreesareallgone · 07/12/2017 00:13

I would love a box of chocolates. I think it's a gift most people would either like, or could regift, so when you are stuck on what to get, it's a 'go to' item.

My dd has got a huge bar of chocolate and a little gift (e.g. face pack) for her Secret Santa at school and I think that's a nice thing for school age to exchange. Without knowing someone really well, and what they already have, the whole thing is fraught anyway.

We don't do it at our work, for which I am truly grateful.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 07/12/2017 00:14

I'm sure looking around at the rest of the group you probably spotted gifts you'd have rathered receive but I'd be willing to bet some of the recipients dislike scented candles or don't wear the brand of makeup they got or could have lived without yet another scarf...

TBH I think there's far too much pressure for gifts to be "thoughtful" and "personal" and I don't just mean for secret Santa. As a pp said, lots of people struggle to know what to buy for their loved ones! Great if you happen to spot a first edition of your friends favourite childhood book in a charity shop or manage to find a scented candle that evokes memories of great granny's house but of course real life isn't a Hollywood movie so most of us buy gifts we think/hope will be liked and we won't always get it right. Even the people who think they're great at choosing thoughtful gifts often aren't, god when I think of some of the Hmm presents I've enthused over Grin. To be quite honest I think chocolates and wine are very underrated gifts!

Chrys2017 · 07/12/2017 00:15

Look at it this way OP—they thoughtfully left you the receipt so you could exchange the chocolates for something you'd actually like.

HappyVan · 07/12/2017 00:15

A chocolate box that is for £15 must be high quality. I would be very pleased with it and think it's a good gift. It's unfair to say no thought has gone into it. It's an expensive box of chocolates to start with.

BackforGood · 07/12/2017 00:16

But actually, a special, expensive box of chocolates isn't a crap present to many people. As Tallia said, SS 'limits' are usually the 'maximum' amount you are allowed to spend, so it may well be that is what the buyer presumed. They might have a lot more going on in their life at the moment and just skimmed the e-mail or half listened to the verbal instruction or however the 'rules' were sent.

HappyVan · 07/12/2017 00:17

I would much rather receive chocolates than another beauty gift set (!) or another crappy mug!

FiFiLaPoodle · 07/12/2017 00:18

I fucking hate secret twatting bastard stupid cunting Santa.

As you were...........

BackforGood · 07/12/2017 00:18

Oh x-posted Smile
But that sort of proves the point.
I think the opening post's implication it was a box of celebrations or whatever is quite different from the information posted later that it was an expensive box of the sort no-one would just buy for themselves.

FiFiLaPoodle · 07/12/2017 00:18

Oh, sorry for your crap experience OP. Maybe abstain next year???

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2017 00:23

Columbine1 what was it??

I don't mind secret Santa but agree lower price works better
DH and his friends do a £1 thing. One yeah we did lucky dip secret Santa which worked fairly well.

Were they Thornton's? I love Thornton's chocolate but jab no job to do secret 🎅 with boooo

SellMySoulForSomeSleep · 07/12/2017 00:23

Yanbu. I always out so much thought it to mine.

I once got a little handbag which was clearly a free gift with something else.

If you can't be arsed doing it just opt out!

ReanimatedSGB · 07/12/2017 00:38

Thing is, in workplaces that do Secret Santas, a lot of the time people think that refusing to join in will make them stand out as Not A Team Player or whatever, so they agree, then grab something vaguely appropriate (and, for most unimaginative people, chocs/bath salts/wine are perfectly adequate gifts anyway).

But whining about what you got and insisting it's because Everyone Hates You is pretty feeble. You're an adult. It's unlikely you're the only person who didn't get a pleasing gift. It's really not that big a deal.

yumyumpoppycat · 07/12/2017 00:39

Tricky, I agree SS should be a fiver and fun,however a few people at my work don't open them at the office they take them home as they wont have many to open on the day so for those people they are probably hoping for something lovely.

Original poster
JollyGiraffe · 07/12/2017 02:34

Backforgood, the Oxford dictionary definition of embarrass is 'to cause someone to feel awkward, self-conscious or ashamed'. I felt awkward. Indeed, not by anything I had done. But that doesn't mean I can't feel embarrassed. I think maybe you have your definition wrong?

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 07/12/2017 06:14

Yanbu to be sad about this,it’s very thoughtless but you should have said something, even in a joking manner.
Next year I’d just opt out and spend the money on myself.

Our ss you just spend £5 and everyone picks out of the bag. I put in a £5 Greg’s giftcard which I thought was ingenious and the most useful of them all because most of the tat was just left discarded. The recipient was pleased

isthistoonosy · 07/12/2017 06:48

Last secret Santa we did was a pass the parcel so everyone brought in parcel(s) worth £5 we drank 2% mulled wine, ate ginger biscuits and played pass the parcel (most re-gifted things from home, a mix if useful and random). Much more fun and everyone still got something they thought was ok to take home, as swapping pass the parcel prizes is fine.

ovenchips · 07/12/2017 06:49

I agree with BigMouthStrikesAgain.

You are a very thoughtful gift giver - it's important to you. Through bad luck of matching, you got someone who isn't.

It's a shame the gift has hurt your feelings but very easy to read too much into someone else's lack of thought and take it personally.

LellyMcKelly · 07/12/2017 07:02

I once got the free gift that you get when you buy 2 or more No. 7 gifts in Boots. It was a real kick in the teeth.

wonkylegs · 07/12/2017 07:13

My old company we always did jokey presents (except for the office manager as she didn't have a sense of humour but luckily liked gaudy tat) and because we all knew each other well (most people worked there 10yrs +) they were always well matched
Now I have my own practice and no employees it's easier but a lot less fun.

TotemIcePole · 07/12/2017 07:24

Were they Thorntons?

ShakeShakeTheMuffin · 07/12/2017 07:43

I got a scented candle one year. I hate scented candles (I gave it to my mum). Much rather have a nice box of chocs. £15 and Christmas themed sound good to me. Although I'll admit having then wrapped would have been nice. If they were hotel chicolat Christmas chocs then yabu.

userabcname · 07/12/2017 07:53

I hate Secret Santa. YANBU OP, I had a similar experience a few years ago and I was seriously pissed off. Somehow I have become embroiled in another secret Santa this year but I'm just going to expect to be disappointed (and also the budget Is only £5 so expectations aren't that high in any case).

ShowMeTheElf · 07/12/2017 08:01

It's a safe but not necessarily thoughtless gift. If the giver doesn't know you well then it's as good as any other generic gift and probably better than most.
YANBU to be a little disappointed, especially as you don't like those particular chocolates, but YWBU to show your disappointment or to say anything unpleasant.

Aria2015 · 07/12/2017 08:03

Hopefully the person who gave them you feels embarrassed now that they’ve seen all the the thoughtful and more expensive gifts everyone else got. They won’t want to admit they are the thoughtless Scrooge of the group! I like your idea to put them out at work for everyone to help themselves lol! It’s passive aggressive but the amusement factor makes it worth it IMO!

LoniceraJaponica · 07/12/2017 08:07

Those of you who like to spend time buying thoughtful gifts probably don't get that some people hate shopping for presents, or that they don't really know the person they are buying for. I was lucky this year that I drew a name of someone that I know what to buy for, but it hasn't always been the case.