Aibu to "starve" my 5 year old daughter

[Arrowfanatic]

Ok, hear me out.

As a baby my 5 year old ate a wide variety of food, she's my 3rd child and was the best eater. However as she has gotten older she has started to refuse more and more food. It has gotten to the stage now where all she will eat is chocolate cereal, shreddies, ham sandwiches and cheese and tomato pizza. She will eat crisps, chocolate, sweets and Apple's but "meal" wise that is it.

What do I do? I have never pandered to her, she gets exactly the same served up to her as the rest of the family and she just won't touch it. She is the most stubborn child ever. My health visitor said to refuse to cook anything she likes, that she won't let herself starve. Well that wasn't true, she went 3 days only eating cereal at brekkie and a sandwich for lunch. Would cry she was hungry but refused anything else until eventually on day 4 I relented and cooked pizza.

My aibu I guess is, would I be unreasonable to again refuse to cook what she does like even though I know she won't try to eat anything else. She's always coming down poorly, and gets sore lips and things which I'm sure is from a diet lacking in goodnss. I tried to get her to take vitamins, but she refused them totally.

Help me, I just don't know what to do??

Those who say a child won’t starve themselves have never encountered a truly “fussy” eater.
Just wanted to agree with this and sympathise OP. Some really sensible strategies upthread. My eldest DS is one. He would have starved in preference, still would at 12 though his range is much better now. My younger DS is not a truly fussy eater however- I can tell because he swaps about what he says he doesn't like. DS1 was/is always totally consistent. Good luck

I had some success with a multi-section plate, picked up in a charity shop - the sort in which Abigail might put out her nibbles! Just fill up with various veg and put it on the table in easy reach.

Something about the attractive arrangement of the food seemed to help.

My GP told me he was ashamed when he remembered the mothers he had told to let them starve and his children wouldn't make such a fuss. Then he had number 3, same name as my DD and apparently another fussy eater.

I have 3 dc like you 1st two ate most things put in front of them.Then I had d's,he would only eat yellow coloured things at one time,I tried not to get stressed and like you listened to stupid to health visitor.
Ignore health visitor and try to squeeze as much secret nutrition in as you can,as suggested to me by nutritionist.
My ds went 3 whole weeks without eating when he was younger,it turned out he had ASD not that I'm suggesting that's the case here.
Over the years,he's now a teen he eats a much better diet including fish,seafood,steak,chilli con carne, steak,egg and homemade veg soup,big menu now.Nutritionist told me that there is no such thing as bad food when your child is a very poor eater,even milkshake and chocolate supply the body with calories but I suggest you get a good multi vit to cover any deficiency from diet for now .Please don't despair or be made to feel bad by other people,it has nothing to do with bad parenting.Most of all don't give up introducing new tastes of new foods and involve your daughter in this process....good luck.

Forget to say don't laugh but temp of food was another factor,my d's hated tepid food but was slow eater.I bought a larger version of a toddler's bowl where you put hot water underneath to keep food warm,designed for adults with additional needs and worth £15 .He obviously grew out of it as he got older but for few years was miracle worker yes bit more faff but he went from looking like a gaunt skeleton to normal side or thin...just a thought

My DS1 refused to have anything to eat apart from formula , blueberries, tomatoes, ricecakes and two certain ready baby meals he was about 1 year old. At some point he was below centile chart and we used to fight with him, which made it only worse.
Then we let go and just offered food as - take it or leave it.
Anything we would have for dinner was also on his plate, if he didn’t eat - selection of healthy plain foods like pasta, fish, different veg, cheese, pieces of cooked meat etc.
No unhealthy options - no sugary cereal, no crisps, no sweets, chocolate, no chips or other fast food, no juice or milk until something decent eaten - only water allowed meal time or if nothing eaten.

Obviously if you know they hate certain foods, don’t force them.
My children won’t eat fresh veg in a salad with dressing/ olive oil but will eat the same veg cut into pieces separately on the plate.
Lettuce only in the sandwich, no mayo, no butter (but that’s very healthy).
No sauce on the meat but DS2 will eat pretty much anything that has ketchup on top.

When I was a child I hated milk, cooked carrots, bananas and pasta. I would eat pretty much everything else and my mum just avoided these foods (she would still add carrots to meals but tried not to put too much on my plate).
Warm milk used to make me sick and vomit - definitely no go but that never changed and I’m not able to have it as an adult ( at the same time no issue with fridge cold milk in my cereal or in a glass).

You know your daughter best and don’t give in with for example only certain brand of pizza or unhealthy options (chocolate etc) but don’t torture her with something she hates.

Good old treat when food is either finished or acceptable amount eaten works wonders with my children, they will eat pretty much everything from their plates for a piece of chocolate or a biscuit 😂😂😂

Try very different foods you don’t have in your menu - your daughter might surprise you. My DS1 eats grapefruits, mangoes, blackberries and papayas but won’t touch apples or bananas. A bit pricey but at least he eats different fruits.

I had exactly the same with my middle child. Would only eat crackers, cheese and yogurt!! I had health visitor out, along with play specialists. The way we got through this was a 2 stage approach. Firstly. Everything we ate was buffet style. So the food would be put in the middle and we would serve ourselves. It was amazing how much fun this was for her and she ate new things. Secondly, I didn’t do packed lunch for school. She had school dinners. Sitting with her friends and having fun meant she followed their lead and didn’t realise exactly what she was eating.
She is now 11 and although a vegetarian by choice for over a year, she will eat anything that’s out in front of her.
We never forced her or made an issue over her fussiness. We merely gave her the choice and control.
Good luck

Ps. It doesn’t happen over night. It took a couple of years to finally turn round. But looking back now it wasn’t that hard

Oh and only water to drink. Anything else filled her up so she didn’t need to eat 😉

I would give her a good multi vitamin / mineral just to cover any gaps in her nutrition. My daughter ate a fairly wide range of food but it is more limited now. Part of her fussiness now is around mixtures, she likes each individual food to be separated from everything else, so things like stews or casseroles are a no go. Maybe you could try your daughter with isolated lumps of things, a piece of cheese, a slice of boiled egg etc.

Have you tried getting her to help cook? My 6 year old DS is usually a fussy eater, but if he made it or had some part in making it you can’t stop him eating it.

Have you tried getting her to help cook?

Probably a good strategy for usual fussy eating, but for children where it is much more ingrained they would rather starve than eat something they didn't like, cooking won't help unfortunately. And sensory issues often goes along with this which means they might be reluctant to handle certain foodstuffs.

Plus the OP has already said that her dd enjoys helping her to cook, but it doesn't help:

'I do get her cooking, very frequently. We make all sorts as I really enjoy cooking and she is always super excited to cook but when it comes to eating it she point blank refuses.'

My dd was the same, and even now when she cooks she is often not interested in eating afterward. I don't think that's that uncommon.

for children where it is much more ingrained they would rather starve than eat something they didn't like, cooking won't help unfortunately.

Being involved in food preparation isn't a magic bullet but it is helpful. Part of the fear of new foods can be reduced by making the texture and smell more familiar. The step to tasting them is then smaller than it is when being presented with something brand new.

Keep the cooking going, even if she isn't willing to try anything she helps with at the moment. In time and with the pressure off, it will support her ability to try new things.

Sheepyfun try reducing the amount of milk. It worked for me when my dd didn't want to eat as much as she should have been. Milk is good bit fills them up.

We do stories (as well as audiobooks and very rarely TV) at dinner times - but they don't get the next page (to carry on) unless they're doing good eating. It moves the focus somewhere else and rewards progress, so they get on with eating and encourage each other. I have fed my youngest food he hated whilst he was watching TV - he didn't even notice, because a lot of it is in their heads, not their tastebuds, so a distraction gets them over it and then they've achieved something they're proud of, which reframes it.

Dd (6) is incredibly fussy too. And it differs by location. She will eat a jacket pot at school but not home. Meatballs at nannas but not school. Roast beef at home but not nannas. Pita.

Ive stopped cooking her whole meals and now she has picky plates. So i will serve one sausage, one chicken nugget, one slice of roast chicken, one roast potato, two small servings of random veg. As i put down the plate i say "eat what you want, leave what you want, im not discussing it with you".

Afterwards I always praise what she has eaten and ignore what she hasnt.

I simply cannot be arsed to make a whole meal for her to refuse completely.

@rabbitsdontlayeggs

It’s been very gradual. Lots of different factors have helped her along. She still has days when, she’ll just choose not to eat something and then a week later she’ll eat it really well again. She refused to eat Shepard’s pie/fish pie/pasta constantly but I found little ways around it. I stopped stressing and let her eat whatever she was happy eating. I would still offer new options a few times a week(dd would refuse) but I tried.

I took away her mid-morning milk at 14 months and only let her have an evening bottle. It was difficult for her, I bf and she always preferred milk over food. I also gradually reduced all the snacks I relied on to wean. They were so easy to fall back on when she refused everything. I started trying all different types of dried fruits and I’d put little milk in her cereal. I introduced ‘wet food’ slowly. Hot cross buns with jam - it’s a bit of a treat but it worked. Even mash was a big step for her. I’ve let her get really comfortable with one type and then moved onto another... Chips>roast potatoes>Jacket potatoes>mash

Her nursery have really helped too. She’s stubborn and will still have the odd day when she’ll chose not to eat something she likes. When she first started at 14 months I would pick her up every lunchtime and they’d say “she hasn’t eaten anything” It was like that for month’s (she goes for 5 mornings a week) I asked them to deconstruct her food so for example: the other kids were having chilli con carne, she’d have mince, rice and veg. Once she eventually started trying more, they put sauce on the side of her plate and let her decide whether she wanted some or not. Now they only give her what everyone else is eating and she’ll try most things. At lunchtime, she always has a hot meal and then I’ll give her something smaller for dinner at home.That’s worked really well. She still eats better at nursery then at home but the difference is amazing. She’s like a different child.

Your DD will get there. Just take it slow, don’t forget about the progress she has already made

My son (aged 10), used to eat wide variety of foods when pre schooler but gradually started cutting things out of his diet. I concentrate on the foods he does like and get him to help me cook which over time has led to him tasting and gradually reintroducing foods or accepting new ones. A favourite he likes to now cook himself is scrambled egg, also jacket potato. He has ASD and has real anxiety over perceived hygiene factors. For example he once saw an ant on the outside of his sealed school lunch box and refused to eat everything that day, despite it all being inside the bag and individually wrapped. The more I involve him with shopping and cooking the more he will experiment with food. Thankfully he loves most fruit and a fair selection of veg (mainly raw but he does like cooked carrot). He likes home cooked burgers and plain foods so will eat a steak or chicken breast but not those items in sauces based meal (but will now eat chicken tikka). He goes through phases with cereals for breakfast so used to only eat weetabix, now it is only coco pops. He only started eating toast recently. He will eat a daily vitamin (I used to eat them and call them my sweetie vitamin treat which captures his interest). He loves milk as long as it is drunk within 2 minutes of taking from fridge. As long as he is getting a fair daily nutritional balance I don’t get stressed. I think he preferred to eat the same things every day as it seemed safe and predictable for him. Perhaps you could have weekly ‘cooking’ session with your daughter and take her shopping to pick items. Even if she doesn’t eat it you can teach her about the nutritional value. By looking at, touching and talking about different food items she will become educated about food and hopefully inspired to try more things.

Ds is 4 and also eats mostly only white food.

Weirdly he will eat fruit and veg that's in season locally. Then won't touch it again. So we started growing veg and he'll eat most of it if he's picked it himself.

Children seem to go through phases when they will eat a certain food non-stop and then refuse to even look at it. A little bit of choice of items included in the meal may help and if full refusal too up with fruit. You may find in another few days that ignored do if all of a sudden becomes a favourite. Very common but a nightmare!

The thing is, it’s all so changeable. Dd ate everything from a young age, people were amazed at what she’d try. Hit puberty, now 15, and she eats a horrible range of things and has given up on all healthy food. Her best friend was the worst picky eater I’ve known - like OP it was chocolate, crisps sweets, bloody Smiley faces and boiled ham. That was it! She hit puberty and now, at15, eats absolutely everything!

Can’t win.

Like many people have said I would avoid turning it into a ‘thing’ more than anything else.

I would not be offering her sweets, chocolate or crisps unless she ate meal. If you allow her to snack on crap she won't be hungry for proper food. Offer fruit as snacks and tell her no sweets/choc/crisps unless eats meal. If she eats ham/cheese sandwich would she eat hot panini?

My little boy was a little bit like this, I buy pizza bases and make a tomato sauce with veg in, blitz it and freeze it (silicon muffin trays are good for this) easy, not unhealthy dinner with a sprinkle of cheese. We never made any fuss about food, if you want to eat it you don’t have to (but agree with cooking something you know will be eaten on a regular basis!) Putting things they don’t like on their plates, in small amounts, gets them used to it, I’ve read somewhere, that they’ll eventually just eat it (not sure this is true!!). Good luck and try and stay relaxed, not always easy though!!

Sorry, should read if you don’t want to eat it you don’t have to!!