Aibu to "starve" my 5 year old daughter

[Arrowfanatic]

Ok, hear me out.

As a baby my 5 year old ate a wide variety of food, she's my 3rd child and was the best eater. However as she has gotten older she has started to refuse more and more food. It has gotten to the stage now where all she will eat is chocolate cereal, shreddies, ham sandwiches and cheese and tomato pizza. She will eat crisps, chocolate, sweets and Apple's but "meal" wise that is it.

What do I do? I have never pandered to her, she gets exactly the same served up to her as the rest of the family and she just won't touch it. She is the most stubborn child ever. My health visitor said to refuse to cook anything she likes, that she won't let herself starve. Well that wasn't true, she went 3 days only eating cereal at brekkie and a sandwich for lunch. Would cry she was hungry but refused anything else until eventually on day 4 I relented and cooked pizza.

My aibu I guess is, would I be unreasonable to again refuse to cook what she does like even though I know she won't try to eat anything else. She's always coming down poorly, and gets sore lips and things which I'm sure is from a diet lacking in goodnss. I tried to get her to take vitamins, but she refused them totally.

Help me, I just don't know what to do??

Ten yes.

I believe in not making an issue out of food.

Most children will get a fairly varied diet despite slight fussyness. And for those who are extremely fussy because of some of the things mentioned, like autism or sensory issues, adding stress to the situation isn’t going to help.

With ds a one bite rule would lead to him eating nothing!

yes, I don't allow them to express negative emotion about the food.

At one point I was feeding 4 kids between 4 and 8. it only takes one "Yuk!" and you're chucking 4 untasted meals in the bin because kids are pack animals. If they don't want to eat it, fine. Sit and look at it. There is nothing else. You don't get to complain about it in front of everyone else eating and the person who cooked it, that's shitty and rude.

Have you tried getting her to help you prepare the food? Maybe a children's cooking course might help? I get the stubborn starving thing. My daughter is fussy about breakfast and will go without until lunch if she doesn't like what's on offer. I negotiated a healthy breakfast before school with the promise of being allowed cocopops on the weekends. I also read once about a parent who paid her children pocket money basked on the healthy food they ate. I.e. 10p a serving of carrots. I tried it for a week and it did work. After a week though we did kind of forget it but they were still eating the healthy food! Good luck!

Doctors told me same with my son and he did starve himself to the point where it made him sick through lack of food.
I was then at a point where i have to give him what he will eat. I have 4 children all given the same foods and brought up the same. He is very picky. Wont eat veg, or fruit. Ive tried just about everything, he is now 14 and the same. My brother was also the same growing up he is now 35, still the same way, he was one of 7 kids and we all eat normally, we grew up with proper home cooked meals everyday. I dont understand it. Have you tried the chewy jelly sweet type vitamins, they have them in our local poundland. Pop them in a tub and give one a day if you can make it seem like a sweety, at least that way you know she is getting her minerals.
I really hate it when health visitors or docs says a child wont starve themselves because some absolutely will and its really not helpful advice. And noone wants mealtimes to turn into a fight everyday, it usually just makes your blood pressure rise and makes everyone stressed.

Those advocating the no-pressure approach - do you think it's worth doing similar on a nearly 2 yo fussy eater?

There should be no other approach at any age.

It is the adult's job to provide the healthy balanced diet. It is the child's job to select from what is on offer, the foods they wish to put in their mouth. This applies from the first mouthful of milk a newborn takes and there isn't an age at which it should change.

If you don't put the pressure on, you won't cause any issues. That isn't to say that no child would ever be fussy or develop an eating disorder because there are other factors at play. All you can do is make sure you don't contribute to them.

I think being allowed to express your emotions about food is important. Preventing that is just another form of control, as is a one bite rule.

I like the approach of "If you don't want to eat it, that's fine but I'd still like you to stay at the table and tell me about your day because mealtimes are important, enjoyable social occasions."

Pressure off definitely. No going head to head and giving her food she should eat but doesn’t like, no starving her, she’ll just learn how to suppress her appetite, never a good thing.

It’s also totally natural to start disliking more food after 16 months.

Pizza every day. But give it with a couple of options, small ones. Don’t ask her to try it. Just put on a plate. Tell her to eat what she can and leave the rest.

No snacks between meals.

Give her a option of a milk shake or vitamin enriched drink or cereal suitable for kids.

Ham sandwiches. Apple for lunch.

Shred dues for breakfast. It’s not the worst.

I have two fussy eaters that even from babies where never good eaters.school and eating with classmates has helped.does your child drink milk/ juice? I hide healthy start vitamins in them.They are £1.70 ish and u put 5 drops in.ive just tried jelly vitamins thinking they would eat them as they looked like haribo but it hasnt worked.Back to the drops!

Sorry you can get them from the health visitor/surestart

I feel compelled to add my 2p worth

My son was a fussy eater - from birth I hasten to add. Only would have breastmilk - we tried to wean him onto follow on at 6 months - wasn't having it.

Didn't eat most of his calories from food until about two years old. Still b/f up to three (and I wasn't particulaly happy about it!)

Very limited diet for many years, took the no pressure, family meals at the table approach, by god it was hard, when your son is 13 and still eating a limited diet it's really fustrating

Anyway - lots of other issues - very clever and articulate child, prolific reader but really struggling with organisation and writing at school. Referral to peads at 14 with serious anxiety and above, late diagnosis of Dispraxia (Which I'd never heard of up until then)

I knew there was something not quite right and spent a lot of time fighting his corner at school - they had no behaviour issues (Polite, compliant boy) but he was forever being in detention because writing was so stressful he'd rather do that.

So - looking back in hindsight his eating issues were sensory and I'm so glad that we didn't end up fighting that battle.

If she is eating cheese and tomato pizza, ham and apples I think your DD is getting a fair amount of nutrients. I would put her meal out on her plate like a little buffet. A couple of slices of pizza, some apple slices, and then one other thing, e.g. A spoon of pasta in sauce, potato wedges, carrot slices. No pressure but the opportunity is there for her to try if she wants.

Actually, thinking of when DS was a toddler he was very limited in what he ate but sometimes he'd look at what was on our plates and want to try it. An example j can think is sharing a plate of pasta with him, pasta in tomato sauce with olives - do I gave him the pasta And sauce I knew he'd eat but he chose to eat all the olives!!!

I also found that he ate food at nursery that he wouldn't have eaten if I'd given it to him at home.

I know this must be a hard time but don’t stress....

I refused to eat anything but Bourbon biscuits dunked in coffee, muller yogurt corners and French fancies, I was also seriously underweight when the school wouldn’t let me eat these items and I did starve myself...

Growing up I would quite often go through stages of eating only one food for a long period and then change overnight to something else and forget the later! (Bit like you daughter by the sounds of it)

It may be harder but I would suggest to try and encourage new things were you can otherwise allow for her to eat what she wants...

Honestly I now eat anything you put in front of me and only dislike aniseed I’m one of the most creative people I know in the kitchen also...

Also maybe get her more involved in the cooking seeing the food being made may help!!!

Good luck, I am sure anything you choose will be right for you and your DD

OP you mention that she eats very slowly and tiny amounts - my dd used to do this and I concluded that it was due to her having HUGE tonsils. She would gag on anything overly chewy, and took forever to finish a meal. However, the ENT specialist wasn't concerned, and she did grow out of it. Could there be a physical reason for her difficulty in getting some foods down?

DS2 was always a picky eater. We 'fixed' it by developing his tastes slowly. Like if he loved burgers, we'd slowly start making the burger patties with ground onion in them (he would never eat onions) and then we'd put gherkin on but smother it in ketchup. Slowly he started to try new foods and realise he actually liked quite a lot of things.

Now he'll eat almost anything! It takes patience and time but it's worth it.

My DD is 20 month and has been extremely fussy since she started weaning. She started of ok but refused to eat anything but corn snacks and puréed fruit for months. She would then only eat whole food with no sauce etc. She’s only recently improved after slow progress at nursery. I’m so happy with where she is now, even though I wish she would eat more types of fruit and veg. We just take it day by day now.

How is she with fruit juice/smoothies? They can be high in sugar but if they’re not from concentrate and they’re drank in moderation, then they can be a good option for a couple of her 5 a day.

I was 'fussy' but it only became an issue when do gooders tried to push me to eat, putting a plate of food in front of me and telling me I couldn't leave the table till it was gone was the worst!

My niece in law is getting like this. Her parents are fine but grandparents seem to go into panic mode if she doesn't eat every piece of food, so the put it on a fork and push it in her mouth

Just play it down, if you draw attention it'll get worse

Apologies I haven't read the whole thread but Asda do pizzas that have carrots in the base. You can't see them. Might be a way to get some veg into her.

I remember at school not eating my packed lunch (because it was rank.....squashed sandwiches make me ill) I was sent to the heads office!Lol she sat me down and told me I HAD to eat a KitKat. I didn't like them, she went out and I slipped it down my sleeve..... spent the afternoon with melted chocolate up my sleeve, very uncomfortable

At one point I was feeding 4 kids between 4 and 8. it only takes one "Yuk!" and you're chucking 4 untasted meals in the bin because kids are pack animals

See this has never happened in our house, ds expresses his disgust with gagging, crying or removing himself, but his sisters enjoy their food, I guess they have become hardened to the wails.

You need to make sure food is not an issue but I wouldn't pander to it either. I would explain that at mealtimes you will serve the same meal as everyone else. No one gets different food. She either eats it or doesn't. She doesn't get anything else. No fuss. Don't even comment on it. Certainly don't say "try one mouthful" or "put it to your lips". You are creating pressure and giving her attention for not eating. You must have no reaction to what she eats but stick to your guns on the rule (very calmly!).
No food at all or even too many drinks between meals that fill her up.
No pressure on her at all to eat, absolutely no reaction. Here is the food I am offering, there is nothing else, take it or leave it. I am not bothered!!! (Even though you are of course inside!!).
Another way of doing it is to have lots of food like a buffet on the table and everyone helps themselves. Again no comment on what is eaten or not eaten but there's nothing else.
Had a few tears for a few weeks adjusting to the new rule with my DS but it worked and after that he ate almost everything and we were able to identify what foods he really couldn't stomach.
Some fussy eaters do turn it around, some don't and become food phobic. Years of a very restricted diet is very bad for your health so you need to nip this in the bud as quickly as possible.
Remember whatever you try the key is stop reacting IN ANY WAY to what she eats or doesn't eat.

...still snotty

My son can be a fussy eater at times- he has been much more adventurous lately- like someone else said mealtimes was not a battle I was willing to enter but I also didn't want to make two meals at a time. So I just made one meal but included something I knew he would eat - and gradually he has ventured over to the things he wouldn't have touched previously.
Another really helpful thing I read was not to overwhelm the child with too much of what they don't like- I started off putting 3 peas- one piece of chicken and a quarter piece of potato on his plate. Then adding more if he ate that. He's 3

My DD has travelled the world, worked on 3 continents, has a first class honours degree and was the fussiest eater known to man or woman. Throughout her school career she had marmite sandwiches every single day.

Please don't do the narrow palate people are dull witted as it is rubbish. Try to relax and as my doctor said to me if all she will eat is chocolate then give her chocolate, mind you my DD was severely underweight at the time and I was warned if she lost any more weight it was hospital and tube feeding.

My GP told me that there's a really interesting evolutionary explanation for the 16 month (roughly) onset of conservatism around food. The thinking is that that's when babies really turn into toddlers, and start to be allowed more freedom - good walkers, speech begins, wilfulness grows. And in a hunter gatherer society, a baby like that would put anything and everything in their mouths, and be a lot more likely to die. So we have this very common thing where around that age, they suddenly prefer bland, because in nature, brightly coloured and strongly flavoured is a lot likelier to kill you.

I think anxiety around that stage can lead food to become a battle, absolutely, because we all want to feed them well, and they know how much we care. But I can't help but ask: does she have issues with anything else, such as sensations of clothing or anything else on her skin, or sound, or lights? A lot of kids have sensory sensitivities which makes food a lot stronger/odder to eat than it is for most of us. My kid can smell like a bloodhound, so it makes eating really overwhelming. Once I realised that a lot of the angst about his restricted diet went, and I just tried loads of different things and picked up on what he could eat (list isn't long, tbh, but thankfully includes 3 vegetables and some fruit, and two sorts of plain baked fish). It's probably irrelevant but if she does have such sensitivities, then to her, being expected to eat perfectly nice food can be like asking us to eat some disgusting non-food. And that can create anxiety around eating anything new, too, as you can imagine.

@Blu99 (sorry to derail OP) how have you managed to make progress? My DD is 20 months and she's exactly as you described yours to be! Lived on smooth purée and baby snack food until about 3 months ago (I used to blend Ella's dinners, she wouldn't eat home made after she was about 10m) and now she'll only eat certain whole food. Berries, cheese, crumpets, toast, fish fingers etc. No sauces and no 'meals' - she'll eat an omelette and toast, or a sausage and potato bites but wouldn't eat a spaghetti bolognese or shepherds pie. It's doing me in! She takes a vitamin but I do worry about the lack of veg.

OP I don't have an older child but I was a very fussy eater. I would have starved rather than eaten something I didn't like and when I was made to lick things and put them to or in my mouth it made me heave. I'm not really fussy now but there are certain things that still make me like that. I wouldn't starve her or force her. Just feed her what you know she will eat and offer other things too that you'd like her to try and leave her to it. She will try some things, eventually. If she tries something don't make a huge fuss, just a quick well done.