Aibu to "starve" my 5 year old daughter

[Arrowfanatic]

Ok, hear me out.

As a baby my 5 year old ate a wide variety of food, she's my 3rd child and was the best eater. However as she has gotten older she has started to refuse more and more food. It has gotten to the stage now where all she will eat is chocolate cereal, shreddies, ham sandwiches and cheese and tomato pizza. She will eat crisps, chocolate, sweets and Apple's but "meal" wise that is it.

What do I do? I have never pandered to her, she gets exactly the same served up to her as the rest of the family and she just won't touch it. She is the most stubborn child ever. My health visitor said to refuse to cook anything she likes, that she won't let herself starve. Well that wasn't true, she went 3 days only eating cereal at brekkie and a sandwich for lunch. Would cry she was hungry but refused anything else until eventually on day 4 I relented and cooked pizza.

My aibu I guess is, would I be unreasonable to again refuse to cook what she does like even though I know she won't try to eat anything else. She's always coming down poorly, and gets sore lips and things which I'm sure is from a diet lacking in goodnss. I tried to get her to take vitamins, but she refused them totally.

Help me, I just don't know what to do??

Yes, what worked for my child, worked for my child.

And he's not a different species. You don't know if it might work for OP's child because she hasn't tried.

And some people know it wouldn't have worked for their child. Some people tried and it didn't work. The majority won't try because they misinterpret demands for a favourite food as genuine hunger, which it is not.

Also what is helpful is a ban on the words "yuk" "blegh" "I don't like it" "I hate that".

They can leave it, and not a word will be said. But complaining is attention seeking.

Hazeyjane, you're just being fucking snotty

So your banning them from expressing emotion?

I don't let either of mine sit at the table found bleurgh, yuck or gross! I think it's quite rude to sit there saying stuff like that when food has been prepared for them. (Mine are older!)
They can say they don't like it. They can say what they don't like about it. That's fine. I just reply "well that's dinner!" We don't get into a discussion where I try and force them.
Our rule is eat what you want and leave what you don't want. I always make sure there is something on the plate they will eat so they don't go hungry. And if they leave some I never comment.

Ok, Becotide, you're right, I am being snotty. I just get tired of reading people coming out with fairly glib advice, and re iterating that children won't starve.

My situation may be different from the op's (ds is 7 and has an extremely restricted diet along with complex needs), but I'm sure you know, because you've been there, that sometimes it can be scary to have a child who's restricted diet is impacting on their health and their life. Our dietician's advice is to give ds what he will eat, along with fortified prescription foods and drinks, to let him graze and eat little and often, to give him pudding with tea, because he has not put on weight in a year, and has barely grown heightwise. No he may not starve, but he may have to have to have tube feeds to supplement his diet if he doesn't start growing, as he us now just under the centile scale.

In ds's case I think there are a number if reasons why he struggles with eating (autistic tendencies, severe reflux, bowel issues, sensory issues, rigid behaviour), getting to the bottom of those reasons, whilst keeping him as healthy as possible is complicated and it is hard, so when I read some of the posts on here, yes, it makes me fucking snotty.

You know your own child. I treat a refusal to try as bad behavior and I go so far as to naughty step. They don't have to eat the whole lot, they just have to try 3 spoonfuls of it. We have battles. If they don't like it after 3 mouthfuls, they don't have to finish it.

There's always something on their plate that they like.

They are always much more willing if they're hungry but not starving and tired when we sit down to eat.

Good luck OP, it is so annoying when the obviously hungry child won't bloody eat

I used to give my DD something familiar and but something new/different on my plate when they were younger.

Would that help at all? So she has her plate with her choice of food and something you would like her to try is within sight, but on your plate, so making her feel pressurised.

I don’t think providing something she likes is pandering to it. I give my child the same as me, but I make sure that 1/4 of her meal is something I know she will eat. For weeks she would eat 1/4 of a meal and ignore the rest. Fine (well, actually I had to bite my tongue!) Recently, I’m amazed to say, she has been actually picking up and nibbling some of the other food! I have to stop myself doing a happy dance or making any thrilled fuss! I find that the more positive or negative I am over what she eats, the more she will refuse. So I put her food down and ignore it. She sometimes refuses and I just say “ok, that’s fine but there is nothing else”. I don’t think I would go down the road if not cooking anything she likes. Some children will starve themselves, especially if they are still getting breakfast and lunch and just holding out miserably at dinner! Good luck OP, it is so hard when you get all kinds of advice.

Rockin I disagree it's bad behaviour. I wouldn't try certain food. The very idea makes me want to vomit. Eating three spoonfuls is torture. Sometimes my kids aren't sure about a food. They may try a nibble. Or not. I'm not forcing them.
Food should never be a battle.

Wolfie Like I say, you know your own child. Mine is just saying no and trying it on. He's not genuinely upset. I do not force feed him FFS. All he has to do is try enough to get an idea of if he likes it.

Last night we did mince meat tacos. I could tell from the genuine reaction that he didn't like the meat so he just had what he did like. Happy all round.

Unless there was a reason such as additional needs, I'd really do anything I could to avoid my child not eating food that meets his nutritional needs.

Food genuinely does taste nicer when you are hungry so there is some sense in the idea that allowing a child to miss meals will give them more incentive to eat the next meal. It is possible to make a child feel hungry and defeated enough to eat a meal even of they don't like it and it causes them distress.

However there is no need to strong-arm a child into eating. It is possible but not necessarily ethical and there are better ways to do it.

Most importantly, some children will literally starve themselves and it is possible to create situations that lead to eating disorders by entering into battles of will. Why would you take that sort of unnecessary risk?

Providing a balanced diet that contains a reasonable amount of food that the child will find palatable and then letting them decide what to eat is undoubtedly the best course of action. Once the pressure is off and the child stops feeling under pressure they will feel more able to start trying new foods voluntarily.

You can get some children to that point with more confrontational methods but it isn't desirable or necessary and it can do a lot more harm than good.

They have to eat three spoonfuls.
Or they get put on the naughty step.
You are forcing them.
Food shouldn't be a battle. Ever. That way massive issues lie.

Wolfie just because you type it, it doesn't make it true. There is no force feeding.

Refusing to try is bad behaviour in my book. I treat it as such. Refusing to address bad behaviour leads to issues with children that won't listen to their parents, presumably like yours do?

Nope. My kids listen fine. They understand that I will listen to them too. As a child I couldn't stand certain food. Forcing me to eat it would have resulted in vomit on the table.

Agree that she didn't starve. Eating breakfast and lunch is not starving.

I agree with Robin , food shouldn't be made into a battle/behaviour thing :( if it's behaviour you're worried about teach them not to moan about food or to sit at the table until everyone else has eaten etc. Forcing them to eat food they don't like is just so pointless and unnecessary. I encourage my DD consistently to try stuff but if she doesn't I'm not going to turn it into a battle or something resulting in punishment. I never see that approach recommended by any professionals and it can cause anxiety and food issues. You sound quite stubborn that your approach is right but please think about that.

Sorry I mean I agree woth Wolfiefan

I know it is routine in France to insist kids try a little bit of food they insist they don't want. There is a difference between real dislikes and simply preferring some other food.

Those advocating the no-pressure approach - do you think it's worth doing similar on a nearly 2 yo fussy eater? (Sorry to thread hijack)

Yes I do.

And it’s always worth offering and asking them to try. The key is to keep it low pressure, no fuss or bribery and no consequences

Six magic words - "you don't have to eat it". No threats, no hovering, no battles, just shrug your shoulders and walk away or eat your own dinner without any further comment. Remove the audience and the performance ceases. She will eat something eventually but it will take time before you get back to where you were. As a fussy child who was forced to eat, I swore I would not do that to my kids.

I agree with Wolfiefan too, food should not be related to good/bad behaviour or a punishment/reward.

By having a punishment that if DC don’t try 3 spoonfuls they go on the naughty step you are setting up a ‘reward’ association with the food if they do try it.

So many adults have a poor relationship with food and reward themselves with food, often without even realising.

There’s a lot of good ideas I read so far on this but haven’t read the whole thread. Generally I will include at least one thing I know each person will eat in each meal. However there is also a rule in my house that you must try one mouthful of each different thing on your plate. My eldest now 9 went through a stage from about 3-5 where he was extremely fussy and ate hardly anything. We would eat chocolate biscuits Doughnuts bananas and carrots. So I would do dinner and include carrots so that I knew he would eat something. He would complain soon after that he was hungry but would have to wait until morning for more food unless he tried one bite of each thing on his plate. I’d give him cereal and banana and mid morning he’d be allowed a biscuit. Then lunch I’d make finger foods or sandwiches and raw carrots on the side. At first he really resisted the one bite rule but now it’s like a family tradition. Even when I make a roast and include broccoli which is the only vegetable I don’t like but my youngest loves they’ll all cheer when I will eat one small piece of broccoli. Quite often when trying new things they decide they like them after a while. But we don’t ever say they have to eat it all. If they tried a bite of each thing on their plate at dinner then I would give them either pudding or something they were willing to eat afterwards if they were hungry. One bite often became several. And fortunately both of my children now eat most things.

jessebuni you wouldn't have that rule if you lived with my DD... I would say that originally, but after the third time she brought all of her dinner back because the texture of cooked veggies made her gag and be sick, we stopped insisting.

I hate it when health visitors do that. My children eat a good variety of food but don't always eat what is given to them. One is more of a meat eater, one is more a carb eater & the other eats pretty much anything. Sometimes they refuse to eat at all so I keep their dinner out but once the rest of us are finished & they still haven't eaten any, they can have some fruit/yoghurts/sandwich. I'd rather they ate something than nothing at all. My eldest was a fussy eater & rather than force him to eat food he didn't like or 'starve' him, I just gave him an alternative along with what we were all eating. He never got anxious at dinner & now tries pretty much everything (apart from veg) & if he doesn't like it, that's fine. My nephew has autism & eats very little. Chips but only McDonald's. Brioche buns, milkshakes, Heinz ravioli. That's pretty much it. My sis gives him vitamins for what he misses out on for his diet but health visitor hasn't been much help. She told my sister to make him eat what was offered or nothing else. He starved himself for 3 days apart from milk & then went backwards when it came to at least trying new foods. Go with what works for you & your daughter. No point you and her getting stressed out over her eating habits because a health visitor told you what you should feeding her. They're only there to advise anyway. You're clearly not putting her at harm by giving her a pizza for dinner, that she'll actually eat. Keep doing what your doing, no doubt she'll expand her diet when she's ready.