Aibu to "starve" my 5 year old daughter

[Arrowfanatic]

Ok, hear me out.

As a baby my 5 year old ate a wide variety of food, she's my 3rd child and was the best eater. However as she has gotten older she has started to refuse more and more food. It has gotten to the stage now where all she will eat is chocolate cereal, shreddies, ham sandwiches and cheese and tomato pizza. She will eat crisps, chocolate, sweets and Apple's but "meal" wise that is it.

What do I do? I have never pandered to her, she gets exactly the same served up to her as the rest of the family and she just won't touch it. She is the most stubborn child ever. My health visitor said to refuse to cook anything she likes, that she won't let herself starve. Well that wasn't true, she went 3 days only eating cereal at brekkie and a sandwich for lunch. Would cry she was hungry but refused anything else until eventually on day 4 I relented and cooked pizza.

My aibu I guess is, would I be unreasonable to again refuse to cook what she does like even though I know she won't try to eat anything else. She's always coming down poorly, and gets sore lips and things which I'm sure is from a diet lacking in goodnss. I tried to get her to take vitamins, but she refused them totally.

Help me, I just don't know what to do??

The starving phase only works if you don’t give her her favourite foods for breakfast and lunch. It has to be applied consistantly and through school holidays really before you can judge it a failure.

I do agree with Roo though that if she had free access to preferred breakfast & a ham sandwich for lunch there wasn’t much incentive to try anything new- anyone can last till breakfast if they know it’s gking to be what they like.

I’m not advocating starving DD, tho - you need to take the pressure off, not ramp it up.

As you work through the various food strategies, I would still make sure a multivitamin supplement was taken every day. There are kids versions that look like sweeties (and do have sugar). If you play it right, you can use them as an incentive!

But lock them away the rest of the time, obviously.

Can you agree a menu with her of meals she will eat, that includes pizza once a month, and meals that aren't chocolate and maybe get her involved in cooking them? It sounds like a bit of a power struggle to me. Maybe giving her control would work?

Honestly take her to the GP, sounds like there is more going on here than being a picky eater. She sounds very similar to my ASD dd.

I can only imagine how you feel I have been that kid and yes I would have rather starve than eat (physical felt sick when eating certain foods still after 30 years struggle with yogurt). But mostly because it could actually be a health concern - see GP with little one and explain to him. I know a amazing little girl who has this, all her Brothers and Sister eat fine but some food she will not eat- some even in picture form make her throw up, she is receiving treatment and it is helping. Her Parent found it so hard they first blamed themselves etc especially as she started eating less and less food choices - luck for the little girl her mum is a nurse with a specialism in child physiology so fought to get her the help she needs.

but most of mumsnet are more keen on pandering to fussyness than I am

Ffs, dealing with a child with serious food refusal isn't 'pandering to fussyness'.

just tell her the truth - that people who have narrow palates are usually slow witted people with small horizons, and she should aspire to be someone who tries exciting new foods and new things from around the world, not a sad little person that only eats potatoes and never leaves their home town - thats sad people.
What a load of bullcrap.

Op - how his her height and weight?

I’m too bleeding tired to RTFT, sorry.

I would what reetgood suggested on page 1, but also stop buying the sweets/crisps/chocolate. I know that may be hugely unpopular with the rest of the family, but I’d do that for a few months at least.

just tell her the truth - that people who have narrow palates are usually slow witted people with small horizons, and she should aspire to be someone who tries exciting new foods and new things from around the world, not a sad little person that only eats potatoes and never leaves their home town - thats sad people

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I don’t think you meant that to be that hilarious did you?

Fucking Hyacinth Bucket 😂

Op you don’t need to tell her anything. (If you do just mention anyone who associates palates with wits is a bit slow)

It’s a nightmare and naturally you are worried, but really most children grow out of it. Just give her what she will eat for now, as long as she isn’t under eight and the gp is happy she’ll be absolutely fine.

This sounds like my son. However, both my DH and I have chosen not to make a deal of it. We cook dinner - if DS won't eat it I will offer simple alternative of / ham / fruit / yoghurt / whatever. He had porridge for tea the other night - so what? He wasn't feeling great and I reasoned it was better having porridge and fruit than nothing. I think you will be storing up trouble if you take HV advice - you will cause food stress / possible issues in the future. Food should be enjoyed in a relaxed environment - not be a battlefield. And if it helps - after months of DS saying he wants mushrooms then refusing to eat them - he bloody ate the lot on top of a home made pizza the other day. I was gobsmacked.

Ps - my son refuses to take a kids multivitamin - can't say I blame him. I tried one. It was vile - horrible gelatine texture

Sorry I haven't RTFT before posting but I am reading with interest and relief to hear my DD isn't the only one who eats like this! She is only 2.5 but up until about 6 months ago she would eat pretty much anything and had a great varied diet. I think I'm slowly starting to accept that she is a snacker rather than a meal eater and after reading this thread, especially the experiences of fussy eaters, I'll just cater to that!

We've also gotten to the point where I have very very few meals I can offer her, and the last few nights I've been at my wits end after clearing up plate after plate of barely touched food. She will only eat plain sandwiches, pizza, chicken dippers (only birdseye battered ones), beans or plain noodles with a bit of sesame oil and soy sauce. Occasionally chips too. She will however eat pretty much any fruit, cheese strings and various healthy snack items aimed at toddlers. She also drinks plenty of milk and diluted fruit juice.

The only other thing I can think of is could you give vitamins in a drink to sort of hide them? I give my DD ferroglobin (full of B vits and Iron) in the liquid form as she's not keen on meat and has quite a lot of dairy so I mix it in with diluted orange juice in the morning. If she is happy to drink milk, we have Arla big milk or my DD will usually eat a couple of Petit Filous yoghurts a day which have vitamin D in them. Between the 2 drinks she is covered for most of her vitamins without having to give any pills or chews which might make you feel more relaxed about what she eats?

My DD was like this. She pretty much ate 1 meal only for about 10 years. she's also on the ASD spectrum.

Sensory issues are very real and forcing food into a person who doesn't want it is really quite horrible. How can you force someone to put something into their body that they think will make them vomit? Because that is what happens when you force kids to eat.

How do you cope with it? Ask her what she wants to eat. Have some things like white bread always on hand, talk to her about what she'd like to try/leave out etc.

btw - DD has almost no sense of smell so texture is important. She can, however, tell the difference between different brands of milk, even if I've put the kind she doesn't like in a container from the brand she does like. She can tell me with 100% accuracy if it's the only brand of milk that she drinks. (and I've done several blind tests, just to be sure)

DS has ASD and at 5 he would literally eat brioche and fromage frais for breakfast, throw his school lunch on the floor to avoid eating it and Nutella sandwiches for dinner every day, with fruit as snacks (thank God he loves fruit!).

I always felt it was better that he ate than we got into a battle and in the end that paid off. He now eats a much wider variety of food - meats, fish, veg, pasta, eggs. He's recently added jacket potato to his repertoire and loves it with a separate portion of beans or cheese. He trusts food from packets more than home cooked, usually things where you can see the cooked product on the front. So ready meals have become an excellent way to increase his variety and I just have to turn a blind eye to the salt content.

We have tried making our own versions of things - some he likes, but others, even if he's cooked them himself he can't manage.

I always offer him a try of things and he does try most of the time. If he says he wants something new he gets it - sometimes it works, other times it's a no, but he's tried. We intersperse these new foods with pizza. Yesterday he looked up the difference between the ingredients in tinned tomato soup vs homemade and now wants to try homemade as he's realised it's all things he likes. But I couldn't have made a batch unless he asked for it as he'd just refuse it.

As far as I'm concerned, relax and as long as she's eating some things then don't put any pressure on her at all. Always offer her a different type of cereal when shopping, or an alternative pizza topping, but smile and say it's fine if she refuses. Try putting a separate 'trying' plate on the dinner table, with just a dab or two of what you're eating but no pressure on her to try any of it.

With any luck over time she will try bits tell you she likes something different now. It was only when I completely backed off and didn't react negatively (instead just praised DS when he had eaten well from his limited diet) that DS relaxed and started trying things.

I usually say to just try one piece or just touch it to your mouth & suggesting she might like it if she tries it.

It’s really hard but don’t mention it. If she says she hates it, just say ‘no problem’ in an uninterested way.
No persuading, no ‘it’s teally tasty / you’ve had it before and liked it / you don’t know unless you try it’ etc. No getting her to touch/smell/lick/taste, etc. Just leave it completely up to her.

Don’t mention your food either while eating, so no ‘mmmm, this pasta is lovely, mummy loves pasta’ or anything like that.

If she does try something, don’t comment on it at all. No ‘well done for trying’. Your aim is to take the pressure completely off. If you want to praise her, commenting on sitting nicely at the table is good.

It’s really hard but once you accept that it’s out of your control what she eats it will make it easier and she will probably sense that there is no pressure from you which will help. Kids pick up on so much more than we realise so she probably senses that you are stressed/anxious over her eating which won’t help her to try things/eat more. It could take years though (sorry) but just keep making sure there is something she will eat and put other foods on offer for her to try.

I know a few extremely fussy eaters as children who as adults eat a wide variety of very healthy foods.

Some great advice here. Ignore the few posters who think this can be solved by "not pandering".

Dd1 are everything until 18 months. By 3 she was pretty much only eating pasta pesto and fruit. She is now 11 and we know she has SPD so massive sensory issues over food. She is also a super taster.

I now can feed her a different meal every night of the week and she will eat stuff like griddled chicken salad, spaghetti with chilli, lemon and prawns! She is still fussy but is so much better. (Won't eat bread,doesn't like cheese, struggles with breakfast, can't eat anything soggy or mashed). Not sure how we got here. I think I took the pressure off, took things she liked and cooked something different with it whilst serving the thing she liked at the same time. Always had something she would eat at mealtimes, even if fruit and crackers, it took ages before she would try new things but gradually she did. We Didn't do the "have to lick it" - still pressure. We stopped talking about food and I took the pressure off myself. Also don't worry that good x isn't a "dinner" food. At the moment food is fuel so don't worry about it not being "dinner" or "breakfast". Hope that makes sense!!

Who on earth said that about palates and slow witted people?

What utter offensive tosh.

My fussy eater is only 2.5 years so its not the same but to echo most of tube other sentiments - we werecategorically told by SALT in the hospital to back off the pressure. DS was maybe 13 months? Literally refusing everything. He has complicated operations etc in this period and sensibly associated food with bad but it meant him just refusing. He would have starved himself.

Some people just don't feel hunger in the same way.

We made food fun and we put options in front of him that he used to like as well as new food. At 2.5 he will now eat anything from a pig, chicken, cheese, sometimes panini bread, loves chocolate and crisps, water, crackers etc but so little over a day that it isn't enough to sustain him. But compared to 6 months ago its massive.

Your daughter is older and smarter but the same logic applies. Less pressure, stop it being a battle, some of what she will eat and something new. Chocate cereal isn't the end f the world of she cleans her teeth after. Ham sandwiches and an apple for school are fine.

The reason I asked about being picky in relation to other things, is because the way she's acting with food seems similar to the way a few of my mates are around specific food groups. One of them will literally gag if pasta goes into her mouth, for example. She says it feels like slime. Another one can't touch anything with sauce, so things like baked beans etc are totally out, no gravy or the like. They're both on the autism spectrum, and also are INCREDIBLY gifted with tech stuff, numbers etc BUT, they have a number of sensory issues that cause havoc for them. Allistic folks (non autistic people for those who aren't aware) assume that we all feel things the same way, and we don't. Stuff that feels pleasant for us can feel like nails on a blackboard for others.

Does she value things like routine and does she prefer a set structure to things? Are there any compulsions that she might have? Sorry if this seems invasive, I'm just trying to paint a larger picture.

Its not just ASD though. My DD has Dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder but no sign of ASD. Not sure whether being a super taster is part of SPD but she also has Synesthesia so loads going on with her.

She will still gag if she sees mash but is great with anything crispy, so its defintely textural for her. She can now manage pizza if its super thin and crispy but if you served up a deep pan she would gag on it. And she is 11.

But I also know some fussy eaters who don't have any other issues.

So for those saying "fussy children are just being pandered to" you are wrong.

I'm not getting into the politics of picky eating, but I have to pint out that you aren't "starving" her even when you think you are. She's never getting the opportunity to become truly hungry. She eats favourite breakfast, favourite lunch. She won't care about dinner under these circumstances.

Hunger is the best seasoning and you aren't letting her have any. Decide what you want her to eat and NEVER serve her favourites again, or at least for a few years.

So instead of cereal, serve scrambled eggs and banana on the side. Instead of sandwich for lunch, give her a pasta salad with ham and sweetcorn. And for dinner, no oven food. Switch your oven off at the plug. throw away your breaded items. Serve her a meal, nicely presented and freshly cooked. Throw it away if she won't eat it. And HARDEN to the wails.

If she actually faints with hunger, it hasn't worked, but until then, it hasn't worked because you haven't really tried.

Twofalls, this kid used to eat fine. She's being fussy./

PS - my son has spd, autism and adhd. He went through this "I only eat beige things" phase, and you do have to push them through it vigorously. He eats a balanced diet now. He did not "grow out" of sensory issues, he had to be desensitised and you can't do that if they are given pizza every time they howl for it.

becotide you honestly don't know what you are talking about.

If you had tried that on my daughter she would have ended up in ill because she would not have eaten. She gags if she is sitting at a table with someone eating eggs. And you would have probably given her food issues for the rest of her life. As it is, at 11 she now has a pretty varied diet, is healthy, has excellent teeth, is not overweight and has a sensible approach to food.