Aibu to "starve" my 5 year old daughter

[Arrowfanatic]

Ok, hear me out.

As a baby my 5 year old ate a wide variety of food, she's my 3rd child and was the best eater. However as she has gotten older she has started to refuse more and more food. It has gotten to the stage now where all she will eat is chocolate cereal, shreddies, ham sandwiches and cheese and tomato pizza. She will eat crisps, chocolate, sweets and Apple's but "meal" wise that is it.

What do I do? I have never pandered to her, she gets exactly the same served up to her as the rest of the family and she just won't touch it. She is the most stubborn child ever. My health visitor said to refuse to cook anything she likes, that she won't let herself starve. Well that wasn't true, she went 3 days only eating cereal at brekkie and a sandwich for lunch. Would cry she was hungry but refused anything else until eventually on day 4 I relented and cooked pizza.

My aibu I guess is, would I be unreasonable to again refuse to cook what she does like even though I know she won't try to eat anything else. She's always coming down poorly, and gets sore lips and things which I'm sure is from a diet lacking in goodnss. I tried to get her to take vitamins, but she refused them totally.

Help me, I just don't know what to do??

Having written that, DS doesn;'t actually seem that fussy! Sorry, not that helpful if your child will really only eat a couple of foods. I would still rather they ate something as healthy as possible rather than nothing. A pizza can be healthy if topped up with tomatoes, cheese, veggies on top etc. Sure she will grow out of it soon.

Was she ill at 16 months just before the refusing started? I can’t remember the details, but there is a phenomenon where if children get gastro illnesses at that age it can have a huge effect on their food repertoire.

I’ve learnt to try and go with the flow - but it’s hard, especially when you’ve got other normal eaters to cater for. Dd, nearly 4, won’t touch vegetables and is fussy about potato (neither of mine like chips!) but her older brother will eat anything and, as we all eat together, I don’t want to cook the same bland meal every evening! I try to make sure there is something she will eat but it does sometimes mean she doesn’t eat a lot. For example, last night we all had stir fry; dd ate the prawns and one kernel of sweet corn...

Pudding is always yoghurt or fruit and isn’t dependent on them eating dinner. Anything special for pudding is only for those who eat a decent amount of dinner.

Will she eat variations on those items? E.g. quesadillas, for a bit of variety? Could you serve bread with some meals so she can eat that if necessary?

My DD was the same, and would (and has) starve herself rather than eat.

I used to give her small portions and perhaps put one new thing on the plate (she would often just move it on to ours!) and never made a fuss of meals. She did get better, she will try more now.

She has a very strong gag reflex, she wouldn't take medicine either!

As a child I used to be forced to finish the food on my plate before leving the table, and would sit there sadly for ages. I grew out of it but have never had a big appetite. As an adult I realise I am lactose intolerant, and can manage a lot more if I avoid lactose and my stomach has not started grumbling halfway through a meal.

The kids have always been pretty good with various foodstuffs, but obviously had some dislikes. I always told them that sometimes your tastes change as you grow up, so it's always worth trying things you don't like when young later on, so that you don't miss out on any potential favourite food. They've both tried that and changed their preferences.

Not sure if this will work for you, but my 6 and 8 year old are both picky and stubborn and the only thing that makes mealtimes less of a battleground is divided plates with 3 sections.

In the large section they get something they like and will eat without complaint, in the small section they get something they have to try in the medium section is something non-negotiable but they are only allowed to not finish it if they finish whatever is in the try section.

Changing the names of things sometimes helps, he's eaten venison sausages tonight because he recognised the packaging as ones he's tried before and liked but guaranteed if I told him what they were he would have gone ewww I am not eating that. On the flip side they were irritated to see broccoli referred to as "little trees"

Changing the texture sometimes works but not always for example my daughter will tell you she "hates carrots" but she eats them raw. She will also have a pretty epic meltdown if I cut them wrong (unfortunately right varies and sometimes even after asking her she changes her mind and screeches at me).

What sort of things are you hoping to get her to eat?

The only thing I can think of that changed was at 14 months she quit nursing literally over the course of a nap. Nursed to sleep, refused to touch it again having previously breastfed every 2 hour day and night from birth until that point. Her stubborn side came out a treat then and has just grown since.

I just want her to eat more variety. Vegetables would be great, a range of fruit. Pasta, mince, pies, noodles, meat that's not in the shape of reformed ham (the only ham she will eat), healthier cereal options. Potato, that would be awesome if she would eat that, the girl won't even eat McDonalds chips haha.

I find myself getting so stressed at mealtimes, especially if like tonight I do a quick meal I "know" she'll like as we have a club to get to (and she ate it last week) and find today she's just refusing it saying she doesn't like it. It's been a week, how can she not like it now???

How can I cater for someone who from one day to the next will change what she likes. I asked her what hot meals I could cook for her that she likes, she said pizza. But she will only eat either papa johns take away pizza or one variety of Tesco frozen pizza. Make our own pizzas and she refuses them point blank.

Could it be something that she has eaten earlier in the day that has bloated her or otherwise taken away her appetite? I remember starting a meal "liking" an ingredient and then "going off" it half way through because I had no appetite.

Have you had her tested for any allergies or any other physical problems? Maybe try a food diary???

Stop giving her stuff she can say no to.

So, serving dishes in the middle, help yourselves, a bit of everything on her plate and none of this nonsensical 'touch it to your mouth' stuff. Take all the conflict and 'winning' and 'compliance' out of it.

Fruit bowl in the house, small snack in between meals if you do, and just diffuse the situation.

DD1 went through 3 months of not eating anything except cereal, milk, scrambled eggs and baked beans - she grew out of it and now eats brilliantly.

DD2 has food allergies and has a very restricted diet between what she can and will eat. No veg except sweetcorn, no fruit except apples and grapes. Dietician says not to worry, just accept it and don't make it a battlefield and give her time. I've learned not to try and hide veg or adjust her accepted foods in any way or she will refuse them. Best advice is chill and take the heat off, give her what she wants.

I'd be taking her to a doctor to be quite honest with you. The fact that she's chopping and changing what she will and wont eat is a red flag for the start of an eating disorder. There's a fine line between being a picky eater, and the manifestation of an ED. I had a strange one as a child, very complicated and I got so ill from it but I had to be frog marched to a doctor before anyone realised what it was.

Even if you're told it's NOT an ED, it's worth checking out.

is food the only thing she is picky about?

I was the exact same as your daughter.

I have no advice but I wouldn't turn eating or food into a battle. The first or second person who posted after you made this thread had some really good suggestions.

OP, please don't take this the wrong way, but does she have any other behavioural issues you're concerned about, or any other sensory issues?

DS2 has ASD and eats an extremely limited (and becoming more limited over time) range of foodstuffs. Some of it has to do with texture, some of it with familiarity. And he is certainly capable of starving himself.

She sounds like my DS (8). He drops off items from his food list too, and if I try and make him eat something he doesn't like (like vegetables) he has a melt down. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing but I just give him what I know he'll eat. This is quite limited and no veg at all. But he eats some fruit. I hope he'll change but I can't stand the thought of having tears every tea time. And he'll never eat it anyway. I've thought about putting things in his plate and telling him he can leave it if he wants (among with things he will eat) but it would just be a waste of food.
(He is also never ill, unlike my DD who eats quite well!)

Laudanum- I wouldn't say shes picky about anything else but she is incredibly stubborn. If she doesn't want to do something there is no way you'll change her mind. She'll happily go toe to toe with her 8 year old sister and not back down and my 8 year old can be a tyrant .

Some foods she gags on, like mashed potato so I won't give her that. Other food she won't even try, I suggest to her she may like it if she just tries it but she will not.

She's a very smart girl (yes I know, every parent thinks their kid is smart but no ego brushing here she is genuinely very clever) and so although she may only be 5 she can conversate like a child twice her age, which always sounds so cute in her squeaky little voice.

I'm going to try some of the suggestions out on this post, and sincerely appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to me. You're all a great help xxxx

Luckily I didn’t listen listen to the HV about ‘waiting dd out’.

Dd was shortly after diagnosed with autism, and she certainly would starve herself before touching certain things.

However she has been eating a lot more since I stopped putting things I knew she wouldn’t eat on her plate.

For example if we are having a roast dinner (she has one of those plates that have four different compartments in) I will put only carrots, peas, gravy, pieces of beef (mysteriously the only meat she will touch) in the compartments.

She is so much happier at the end of the meal times now, she often comes to show us her plate as she loves the praise she gets for eating a variety of it. It’s like I’m not setting her up to ‘fail’ before we even start.

I feel guilty for almost making meals a ‘battle’ previously as I was so scared she wasn’t getting the nutrition she needs.

Also occasionally I put the odd ‘new’ thing on and she will rarely try it. She seems more confident.

Will she eat lasagne or pasta and tomato sauce?

If she likes pizza even you can blitz vegetables up in a tomato sauce and she can make her own pizza with it.

Obviously the idea is not to say it’s in there but rather allow her to eat the food she likes - and it just so happens that there’s veg in there and she likes the sauce

Ds 2 is causing me so much worry with his eating. He has a diet of petit filous, dry rice krispies, cheese sandwiches, chicken nuggets, fish fingers and chips. He eats cake, biscuits and crisps but no fruit or veg at all. The last few days have been terrible, half a yoghurt today and a few crisps (we had a party, he didn't eat his sandwich). Then he licked the ketchup off his plate and didn't eat the chips or fishfingers.
His nappies are revolting, I have been thinking about what to do with him all day.
We used to tell him there was a dinosaur in his tummy and we had to feed him, it worked for a few weeks but then he got tired of that.
I am going to stop giving him drinks before and during meals as I read it can curb appetite. He gets a bit of fruit in smoothies but refused the last one we made. He cooks with me, makes his own sandwiches, makes jelly, makes pizza and then refuses to eat it. Sometimes he sits back in his chair and laughs when I try to feed him like I'm joking.
I explained that his bottom is sore because he isn't eating his dinner and asked him to eat some more, but I don't know if he will.
His Christmas dinner will be the cheese out of the middle of a sandwich.
I am going to use the tips on here too, thanks for the thread, I hope it gets better for you.

No real advice but I have a similar scenario with my 2.5 yo so less ability to try and "reason" with him.

I do think taking pressure off is key. But in the meantime I make sure there's a little bit of what he'll eat every day and if he won't eat anything I'll give him toast. And reward him handsomely with pudding when he does eat well (rare).

But am convinced that he must be hungry 90% of the time.

My DS also 5 is terrible. He will refuse most foods, does not like sauces and pretty much only likes plain meat, carrots and bread.

He will eat raw veg sticks so has those on his plate sometimes

I was a very fussy eater and my mum made food into a battleground so I just didn’t eat. I ended up under a consultant as I was very underweight and she was told to just give me what I liked, but each week add one new thing to the plate and not make a big deal out of it. To this day I eat almost anything but I do have issues with texture and don’t like tomato sauces - my mum mainly served things like bolognaise which probably explains why it was such an issue.

I would just take away the battle. Make things she likes but add new things to them, veg on the pizza and so on. Then just gradually introduce new things.

I would see your gp for advice as I really don't agree with your health visitor. My son would eat anything including veg until he was about 3 and he refused everything except boiled eggs, half a bag of crisps or a couple of biscuits. He lost quite a bit of weight and it was very worrying. We saw a dietician who advised giving him what he would eat and not making into a battle and he did eventually grow out of it. He's now a strapping 27year old

I too thought ASD, especially as she appears clever and converses like a much older person. I would mention all of this to your GP.

Will she drink milk? smoothies? milkshakes?
Ds went through a really picky and peaky phase, not helped by going down with every bug, so losing appetite, so run down, tired, grumpy etc etc.
Vitamin enriched chocolate smoothies (complan and chocolate ice cream blitzed with full fat milk) went down nicely and met most of his nutritional needs so I could relax about what he did or didn't eat.

On the other hand, we probably now eat a much more varied diet than most humans have ever had, so if she's eating sandwiches, cereal, pizza and apples she'll probably be fine, so long as there's some green leafy veg in there somewhere. Have you tried the sweet-like kids multi-vits?
But I think if you cook her something off her 'like' list and she refuses it she goes without, frankly.

You've had lots of good suggestions.

I have a v fussy ds who also has reduced a few things from a time when I already considered him fussy. Says things like "I'm growing up without vegetables". Loves chocolate and sweets and all that stuff- always having to hide them as he goes looking.

He will eat random healthy things though- sweet potato, mangoes, grapes, bananas. Can you try some different things. He likes smoothies and anything similar so we make our own as well as buying some easy stuff. Would she go for a smoothie? I have even managed to sneak some veg in.

Pizza at least has tomato on. Lots of kids will go for fish fingers which is at least fish. My ds weirdly likes smoked salmon which you wouldn't guess.

I really like Ellen Satter and the division of responsibilities too.

Serving dishes in the centre, and meals that have separate “components” are good.

So everyone serves themselves what they think they’ll eat. You have to deliberately pay NO attention to whether fussy DC is choosing something. One day they will, when the attention is off.

So, say - serving bowls with plain pasta, grated cheese, broccoli, chopped up hotdog, pesto in a bowl, salad.

Or pizza, salad, ham, crudités (including apple) & dips.

Or baked potatoes, ham/hotdogs, grated cheese, beans, stew, crudités (including apple)

Put the variety on the table so it is always available but make no comment on trying anything new. Pay NO attention. Keep offering things she’s liked in the past, alongside current favourites.

If you’re more of a plate-it-up Family it will take getting used to, but worth it.

I’d knock the chocolate cereal in the head totally, and really limit “treats”. Offer shredded for breakfast but put out other cereal like Cheerios too - or yoghurt & fruit available. Start small.