To hate the person I've become and ask for your help?

[NameChangeNeedHelp]

Okay I'll admit, posting here for traffic and maybe the harshness of AIBU is what I need.

I hate the person I've become in the last couple of months.

DP says I'm emotionally and physically abusive. And he's right. Over the last few months I've thrown stuff at him, shouted and sworn at him and just generally become an awful person. God only knows why he's still with me. He deserves so much better. I don't even realise I'm getting so bad until way after things have calmed down. How can I stop being so awful when I don't even realise what I'm doing?!

I'm on a counselling waiting list and I'm also waiting to see the psychiatrist. I'm off work at the moment as I'm feeling so unwell.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to lose him and he'd probably be so much better for it.

I got a disciplinary in work because I shouted and swore at somebody and DP stopped me from killing myself last night. I should probably tell the crisis team I need to be admitted but I'm so so scared of being stuck in there without DP and I realise that in itself is messed up.

How old are you?
I’m on a peri menopause fb page and there are a lot of women on there sounding like you.
Peri does strange things to us women.

What has triggered all of this?

I'm only 27. I don't know what's triggered all of this. I don't even know how long things have been this bad for.

DP said things got a lot worse with my mental health when my abusive family disowned me earlier this year.

Calling the crisis team sounds reasonable - you cannot throw stuff at people, it's not on.

I hope you get the help you need. You won't get it from uneducated and uninformed posts here though. You need professionals who have the details to hand.

Good to see the first reply is so supportive of DV.

Never mind throwing things, the fact you had to be prevented from killing yourself is extremely worrying.

Can you call your GP and explain and see if you can be seen quicker? In my area they have a five day turnaround for this sort of situation.

Give yourself a break too. You're taking all the right steps towards getting some help.

If you're suicidal you need to call the crisis team or someone needs to do it on your behalf. They won't necessarily admit you but they can help you.

Good luck OP x

I have a doctor's appointment on Friday as I need to get a sick note for work. Is it reasonable to wait until then and tell him how bad things are then?

Can you safely wait until then? I would phone the doctors and ask if they have an earlier appointment. Do not harm yourself - you know things aren't right and you are taking steps to address that - things WILL get better.

Thank you Jam I phoned them today and the earliest they'll see me is Friday

OK, so only a couple of days to wait. Is your DP ok with this plan? You need to be safe and he also needs to be safe. Can you hold things together until Friday?

You've recognised you're ill, which is a start.
Also, though your treatment of your DP and your workmate is unacceptable and needs to be stopped, you may well respond to either meds or counselling. Because, unlike many domestic abusers, you are displaying bad impulose control rather than an attitude of entitlement to punish your partner for disobedience.

You're doing the right thing by seeking help. It would be good to have a plan in case things deteriorate before then.

If access private therapy.

I say that as someone who has done that and has found it much better than the nhs 10weeks or whatever. Try a few people out.

rather than an attitude of entitlement to punish your partner for disobedience.

This ^^ made me cry. He's the gentlest, kindest person I have ever met. He doesn't deserve any of this not that it would change things if he wasn't. I know that nobody deserves to be shouted and sworn at and have things thrown at them.

DP seems okay with this plan. He has said he feels I would benefit from counselling a lot more than I would benefit from being an in patient at the psychiatric hospital (or department, whatever it is, I don't actually know).

Caulk I'm on the waiting list for the NHS but I'm losing hope on that front. I phoned Mind and hopefully they can help on the counselling front. I'm seeing them tomorrow. I don't know if that's free or paid for - last time I paid and the waiting list was really short, I was seen within a week. I've moved though and it's a different Mind group and I'm unsure how this one is run. Guess I'll see tomorrow.

Failing that I'll look up private counsellors but I'll wait until I've seen Mind.

That's good he's ok with this. You need some strategies in the meantime to deal with the rage - punching pillows for example or running until you are knackered or stamping on egg boxes. And remind yourself things will get better, you just have to do one step at a time until you get there

Do your symptoms match with those of Borderline Personality Disorder?

Some mental health issues can be triggered by emotional turmoil and crisis - being disowned by your family certainly sounds like it might be big enough to trigger something.

You need to visit your GP and get signed off.
You need to sit down with your partner and tell him that you will access help. Ask him if he needs you to temporarily leave while you do that.
You say that i don’t even realise how bad things are until I’ve calmed down and this strikes me. Are these escalations sudden? Slow building? Why aren’t you realising?

You need urgent professional help to tackle this. There sounds like there is a background of abuse in your family. That’s likely a trigger - at the same time you are responsible for your behaviour - am abusive background may explain why you are struggling to control your temper but at the same time cannot be an excuse.

Counselling and therapy is a long term process and it’s inportant your realise that you can feel worse before you feel better (I certainly did.) it will hopefully be a long term fix for you, but you also need to address a shorter term handle on behaviour.

Can you access the crisis team earlier?

BPD by the way responds very well to DBT therapy.

What happened that caused your abusive family to disown you? Was it just another part of their abuse towards you? Do you think that maybe it's triggered something for you, since your DP says that your MH went downhill after this happened?

Jam I say okay. But I mean how okay can one be with this shit situation. Thank you for the ideas of what to do.

merry I do have BPD.

I'm not sure you need a talking to. You understand what you are doing but don't understand why nor can you seem to control it.
You need medical help so continue to push for that.

Cross post with so many people. Sorry.

The escalations are really sudden and really fast. And then before i know it things are massively out of hand and I have no idea how to bring things back down to calm again.

I think my family disowning me has triggered something but I don't know what. I can't explain how it makes me feel.

And I hate more than anything that my response to it is exactly how my dad was with me growing up.

BPD is the pits, perhaps you and rage somewhere on your own, write all those things you are feeling down. Obviously tell your DH, just think it may help instead of trying suppress what it is going x