To hate the person I've become and ask for your help?

[NameChangeNeedHelp]

Okay I'll admit, posting here for traffic and maybe the harshness of AIBU is what I need.

I hate the person I've become in the last couple of months.

DP says I'm emotionally and physically abusive. And he's right. Over the last few months I've thrown stuff at him, shouted and sworn at him and just generally become an awful person. God only knows why he's still with me. He deserves so much better. I don't even realise I'm getting so bad until way after things have calmed down. How can I stop being so awful when I don't even realise what I'm doing?!

I'm on a counselling waiting list and I'm also waiting to see the psychiatrist. I'm off work at the moment as I'm feeling so unwell.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to lose him and he'd probably be so much better for it.

I got a disciplinary in work because I shouted and swore at somebody and DP stopped me from killing myself last night. I should probably tell the crisis team I need to be admitted but I'm so so scared of being stuck in there without DP and I realise that in itself is messed up.

you cannot throw stuff at people, it's not on

Ah yeah, I think she knows, having acknowledged that in her opening post.

I definitely think you need to talk to someone to get to the bottom of the (probable) sadness that's triggering the anger.
It sounds to me like there's lots of emotional distress manifesting as anger and irrational behaviour. You need, in a psychological sense, a big deep breath and a pause, so you can step back and work out why (though what you said about your abusive family is a good place to start, eh).
I hope you can stop the cycle soon.

Don't blame yourself for being mentally ill. Being disowned by your own family is not a small thing, it's a huge thing and it's normal to be angry, confused and depressed about that. Although hitting out at your partner is wrong, lots of wrong things have happened to you to make you feel this frustrated and miserable. Please don't think about ending your life again, you are are worthwhile person and you do deserve to be happy and have a life even if your family don't support you. I hope you get some real life help asap and things get better OP.

Well, the good things are that you have noticed what's happening, you don't like it and you are trying to do something about it.

All those things make you different from your Dad, so please take that as a positive!

You're seeking the help that you do clearly need and I hope that your partner can stick by you while you go through whatever process is required. I don't know much about BPD in terms of whether meds would help, but if you have that diagnosis, then it should help with accessing the right help, including meds if appropriate. Hope you get an understanding GP on Friday. xx

OK, ignore my post, it's irrelevant. I should have hit 'refresh' before posting.

Have you ever had DBT? If not, call mind back tomorrow and talk to them about it. BPD responds well to it.

Getting angry suddenly is sign of worsening depression for me. Try to push to access support. I had a course of mindfulness and ACT therapy which really helped. Slows down your thinking and stops the reaction. Worth a try but we are all different and have to see what works.

Clearly speaking to the GP would be a good option and there are meds - but I’ve never had an luck with that route.

Find things to do you enjoy and relax you while you wait for the help. But keep pushing.

I am not going to kick you down, you can see there is an issue and that you are not managing things. I feel for you

GET SOME HELP, visit GP, and put down what the issues are in 5 simple bullets

I am suicidal
My family are abusive
I am suicidal
I am now being violent to my partner

when you see it in black and white surely you can see you are deserving of help

Apologise to partner, tell him you know its off and that you are getting help immediately. tell him you understand if he doesn't want to be around you until you have a plan to address this.

good luck

I think you've been really gutsy posting on here and I wanted to just show support for you addressing it.

I wonder if you suffer hormonely , like severe pmt? I realise now that patterns in my life were effected by this. I'd be easygoing say 20 days of the month and sometimes like a banshee for four; even knowing that pattern my behaviour,mindset could be angry, anxious, irrational, it was like I forgot still and the whole thing could take over.

You are amazing.

I'll say that again. .. you are really amazing

You have survived an abusive childhood, and recognised these behaviours in yourself. You really and truly understand that your dp should not have to accept this, and you are doing your best to change.

You ARE amazing.

You will need to do a lot of work to keep making improvements, but you have already started.

One to one support is better than mumsnet. Have you tried Listening Post? They are wonderfully non-judgmental, and very highly trained.

I wish you and your family all the best

You sound emotionally unstable with poor impulse control. Did you actually try to kill yourself or was it to get a caring response from your DP?

Write down a list of points including whats been happening with family so GP can build up a good picture.

Therapy sounds most sensible

Just want to add that I am a woman recovering from serious domestic abuse.

If my ex dh had demonstrated even half of the insight you have shown on this thread, I would have given him another chance.

I'm not saying you will be able to keep your dp... I don't know how things are between you. But I do feel sure that the future is bright for you if you can be the woman you want to be.

I have vivid memories of my dad trying to throw my mum down the stairs. But he has done some serious work on himself, and my stepmum is not afraid of this happening to her

Be positive. I'll by honest and tell you that I am a Christian/follower of jesus and all that.

If there is a friendly and welcoming church near you, give them a try. You'd be amazed at what Christian people can understand and forgive ( most of us have been there!!!)

I hope it's okay to post that. .. but really, local churches ate a great source of non-judgemental support, if you are lucky to find a good one.

How're you doing this evening ?

Really hoping other posters wise advise helping you?

My anxiety manifests itself as rages. I fly off the handle so easily when my anxiety is ramped up. CBT helped me a lot. It taught me coping strategies and how to identify when I was starting to feel the early stages.

You’re very brave for posting.

Sorry for the delayed response.

I feel like I'm not even half deserving of the supportive responses I have had here. Thank you, all of you. Even though I do not feel I deserve it, it does help, a lot.

Last night I asked DP if he wanted me to leave whilst I sort things out, he said no and that if we can get through this, we can get through anything.

I'm feeling pretty anxious about my meeting with Mind today. I think I need to write things down before I go to hopefully help in case I end up feeling overwhelmed (which so often happens when I'm trying to seek support).

SomeBananas won't the local church be judgemental of the situation? Do you think they could provide support without me going into details? I'm so sorry you were subject to DV.

Ceebs I don't know. I did actually try to kill myself but maybe part of is was wanting someone to care... I don't think I actually want to die. I think I'm completely lost on how to change things. I just want the pain and suffering to end. It has felt over the last few weeks that nobody actually cares, particularly with my family disowning me.

I don't feel amazing, or gutsy, or worthy of support. I feel totally and utterly pathetic.

He adores you. He's commited to you. You must be a good person.Whilst I don't know how to advise you on mental health, show him how much you appreciate that.

We don't know what happened with your family but are they self righteous , emotionally stunted? I can't imagine disowning my family and god knows a couple have tried my patience to the limits.We can't try change others over night but having to look after ourselves will shed light x

You Sound like a decent person worth of a chance to be happy

Why have your family disowned you? , as they are so abusive is that necessarily a bad thing long term

I don’t know OP these Abusive families leave such horrible scars . The way you speak and Post should s that you are intelligent , self aware and have a chance for getting to the other side . But you can’t do it alone

Good luck with MIND my dear

Are your outbursts linked to your cycle? I was diagnosed with bpd in my thirties. Got worse and worse, I'm now 44. I then saw a gynae for my horrendous periods, perimenopause for me was becoming awful. Twenty days a month of me being intolerable. Complete red mist. I had a hysterectomy in this year and I do not have bpd, I am well again. Now you are only 27, but there are things they can do. You'd be surprised at how many women are misdiagnosed with bipolar or bpd and a whole host of other conditions but it's pmdd. Have a look into premenstrual dysmorphic disorder and see. Might be worth tracking your cycles for a few months.

I don't think so ExtraSpecial but then I have a coil and no periods so I don't know my cycle.

Thank you inashizzle Sometimes when things are really bad I need somebody to point out how much that person cares, as all I can see is the negative. I'm trying my best to show him how much I care and I'm trying to take on board his comments about how I've been over the last few weeks / months. My family are definitely self righteous and emotionally stunted. I spoke to DP about this and he can't imagine a situation where he'd disown his DC. It just reminds me how rubbish this situation is and it's not normal to disown ones family, particularly over one argument. Although may be it's not just the one argument, may be it's the accumulation of all of the arguments over the years...

Thank you stopfuckingshoutingatme

So Mind were marginally helpful. Their counselling sessions are only in the day in the middle of the week which means I'll have to look at other options. The centre is too far away from my work for me to justify leaving in the middle of the day. I will look at private counselling options again. They have however offered me a course for anger management. They've put my name forward and I'm awaiting their call back about whether I can join the one that's starting soon.

Sorry ExtraSpecial. Reading that back it comes across as dismissive. Thank you for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it.

Sometimes when things are really bad I need somebody to point out how much that person cares

This is one thing a good therapist would explore - with the hopeful end result that you are able to find an internal solution to control emotions. The current situation is that you’re displacing the control for the outburst onto someone else (he needs to tell me how much he cares or I get angry.) that in itself an abusive behaviour.

I digress anyway. It’s well worth exploring the PMDD angle as well as that responds well to low doses of SSRIs (I think escitalopram is approved for PMDD?)

i could be totally on the wrong track but is there a possibility you may be having meltdowns. Have you looked at aspergers presentation in women. I know im going to get blasted for even suggesting it, but just have a google and disregard if im out of line x

Anatidae can one get PMDD with the mirena coil?

The current situation is that you’re displacing the control for the outburst onto someone else

^^ I can certainly see how it comes across this way. I'd never thought of it like that before. Thank you.

I'm trying to take ownership of my mental health. Sadly Mind are unable to help due to everything being in the day and at some point soon I'd like to go back to work. I am looking into private counsellors although I suspect I'll be very lucky to find someone who can fit me in this side of Christmas. Fingers crossed I can get someone soon.

Although I am signed off by the GP, I refuse to just sit at home and wallow in self pity like I've done in the past. I've been out for a walk today which I always find helpful.

Branleuse - I've just had a Google and some parts sound like me and other parts really don't

Yes you can. It doesn’t mean it needs removing though, just that it doesn’t stop it from happening

The coil is a flag for me. When did you have it inserted? There are many reports of issues with MH from women with mirena which are resolved quickly after it is removed.