To hate the person I've become and ask for your help?

[NameChangeNeedHelp]

Okay I'll admit, posting here for traffic and maybe the harshness of AIBU is what I need.

I hate the person I've become in the last couple of months.

DP says I'm emotionally and physically abusive. And he's right. Over the last few months I've thrown stuff at him, shouted and sworn at him and just generally become an awful person. God only knows why he's still with me. He deserves so much better. I don't even realise I'm getting so bad until way after things have calmed down. How can I stop being so awful when I don't even realise what I'm doing?!

I'm on a counselling waiting list and I'm also waiting to see the psychiatrist. I'm off work at the moment as I'm feeling so unwell.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to lose him and he'd probably be so much better for it.

I got a disciplinary in work because I shouted and swore at somebody and DP stopped me from killing myself last night. I should probably tell the crisis team I need to be admitted but I'm so so scared of being stuck in there without DP and I realise that in itself is messed up.

TheMShip I had it put in in May. I've gone through so many different contraceptives this is really the last option. I'm allergic to latex so can in theory use non latex condoms but I'd much rather other options. Implant made me bleed almost constantly for a year, combined pill made me even more emotionally unstable than I currently am, progesterone only pill was the worst for emotional instability and the copper coil gave me period pain that was completely unbearable.

That's really unfortunate. Would you be able to stand say 6 months of non latex condoms? Give your body a break from the hormones? It's just a suggestion, but given you mentioned the combi pill made you emotionally unstable, it might be worth a trial. Plus of course pursuing counselling as you are already doing.

Your DP sounds lovely. Perhaps he might benefit from individual counselling too, as he's been a victim and caretaker, and will no doubt be experiencing a great deal of mental and emotional stress in this situation.

Hi NameChangeNeedHelp,

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is brilliant and we can see there's a lot of support for you here so we hope you can take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's always best to seek RL help and support as well so we pleased to hear you're pursuing that too.

Sorry for hijacking your thread NameChangeNeedHelp and we really hope things look a lot brighter for you soon.

Thank you fliss for the links.

MShip I totally agree with you about my DP. I have suggested counselling to him but he doesn't think he'll get anything from it. It might be worth a trial with regards to the Mirena. I think I'll give counselling a go for a few months and if I'm still just as unstable I'll speak to the GP about getting the coil removed. Thing is this is my second coil, my first one fell out. So I don't know how they'd feel about taking it out and then potentially putting another one in after 6 months or so if my moods haven't changed.

OP You're sounding firmer and more stable today. Your plan seems sensible to me. I hope you're able to access counselling very soon.

Thank you TheMShip

Sorry to drag this up again. I'm really struggling. Started seeing a counsellor this week which has made things worse.

I feel out of my depth and overwhelmed with everything. Ended up having a huge row with DP this evening. He told me he wished he'd not phoned the police that night and that he'd just left me to it

I said I'd go to a hotel for the weekend but then panicked when I got there and couldn't stay. I'm now back home crying in the kitchen whilst he avoids me upstairs

I don't think I want to be here any more.

Didn't want to read and run Namechange . I'm so sorry - that sounds horrible. Do you have any friends you could go to/ talk to? Or the crisis team or the samaritans? You are amazing for getting this far and you can get through this. Don't give up on yourself.

Side note... Counselling often makes things feel worse for the first couple of sessions - it's something about having to dredge up things you have been repressing in order to cope. If things aren't better after a few sessions though it might be that the counsellor is wrong for you and that's not a problem with you - it just means you haven't clicked and need to try someone else.

Thank you for replying MissClimpsons

I only have one friend and she lives on the other side of the world where it's currently 1 am. Crisis team are useless. Last time I called them they said they could see me in the middle of the night but my medication makes me fall asleep well before then.

I've dropped the Samaritans an email so hopefully they'll respond soon.

Oh you poor thing. I relate to this so much - I've been where you are and It's relentless.

When you've been living at such an intense pitch, with suicidal thoughts the norm, you kind of forget how not-OK that is. If someone was physically in as much pain and imminent, life threatening danger as you are on a regular basis, you wouldn't think twice about driving them to a and E and insisting on treatment, right? Please do that for yourself - the service is hugely overstretched as you know so you very unfairly have to shout to be heard but it sounds like you need urgent intervention. If they do admit you, it'll kick start much closer attention to your needs within the NHS.

Sending lots of love and luck, and please pm if you need a friendly fellow MH sufferer to talk to xx

name I think thats a normal reaction. Being able to open up releases a lot of demons. I dont know what to suggest about dp, just remember he did want to help, and im sure he still does. Hes weathered many a storm with you already, was maybe hoping for a quick fix?

I don't have a lot of advice, I'm sorry, but please, please remember that you know that you aren't thinking rationally. Despite what he may have said tonight, neither is your partner, he has stuck by you for a reason - he loves you, he may be struggling with the results of your illness, but he loves you.

I have read through this post, and while I don't know you in real life, it is clear that, despite your actions, you are a caring, kind-hearted person who is struggling with an illness. The people who have posted on this thread have done so out of concern and care for you, your friend who lives on the other side of the world also cares for you.
Please focus on the fact that you matter to a lot of people, even if it doesn't feel like that right now.

namechange, BPD is heavily associated with childhood abuse and a resulting fear of rejection so you will have, of course, found rejection by your family very hard. They are abusive and this rejection is part of the abuse and not a reflection on you. You are not bad or wrong or to blame for the abuse, they are.

Another characteristic is that people with BPD tend to 'test' the people they are with by pushing them as hard as they can to reject them because they want (at some level) to prove their self destructive belief that they are unlovable and unworthy of being loved. Do you think that might be what you are doing at the moment?

Your partner sounds great and really supportive. I do think that calling the crisis team might be a good idea though.

With you right now
Xxx