Can't take anymore

[icanttakeit]

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I have to get it out and can't talk to anyone irl.
I've also nc, as I know I will regret it later.

Last night me and my husband had another blazing row. I'm convinced he's on heavy drugs and now on a downer. I went to bed at 10.30 and from then until now he's been sat on the bed telling me how he's leaving, I've fucked the kids life up, I'm pathetic just like my mother etc. And in the process woken up the baby 8 times.

Bit of back story as to how I ended up here. I can't believe I'm going to say this, I've never told anyone, tried to tell OH when we first met but he wasn't bothered. He said something along the lines of that's my past and I should deal with it. Anyway, I was abused from the age of 8 up until I was 13/14.
I spent everyday terrified, and to take control back I thought I was only good for one thing (I'm sure you get the picture). I met now husband when I was 15 and because I was so desperate to escape that situation, I married him at 17, I should have seen the warning signs from the beginning, but in my rush to escape my past I over looked that.

The last 12 years have been hell on earth, I've been beaten by oh, emotionally abused to the point I've questioned my own sanity.
Honestly, it's only my 3 dc that keep me going.
Im a Sahm, have no money, no car( he's written off the one I bought with my only savings) and now I feel like I well and truly have fucked up my kids life and I will have to explain to them why daddy has gone. Because I can't keep my mouth shut.

Not really a aibu but I had to let it all out.

I hope you’re doing ok this morning xx

Just checking in to let you know that we are all rooting for you. Your new happy safe life awaits

You're bloody marvellous and you are so doing the right thing for you and the children.

Keep drawing support from here and don't look back x

Morning ladies,
We have just woke up, had a pretty late night last night as the kids wouldn't settle. I've phoned the school up and explained the situation, the boys won't be in school until I've spoken to a solicitor (on my to do list today) I'm hoping I am entitled to legal aid because I have fuck all to my name ( until the insurance pays out for my written off car)
I will be going back to the house after 5pm to get some bags together. My mum is adamant she doesn't want me anywhere but with her. So my dad is coming for us this evening.

STBX, is sending messages saying he's sorry, he loves me, blah blah fucking blah.

You
Are
Brilliant

@icanttakeit STBX, is sending messages saying he's sorry, he loves me, blah blah fucking blah.

Quite. He had his chance and blew it. What a loser. Blah fucking blah indeed.

You are amazing, things will take on a momentum of their own now that you have taken the first step. You can be so proud of yourself. I had a couple of years at home with my mum and dad who helped me with childcare as well, so I could re-establish myself at work. Thank goodness for lovely mums, old and young!!! Your kids are so lucky to have you and trust me, they are more resilient that we can ever believe, they will be fine. So sincerely wishing you all the best, dear girl.

Morning OP

You are doing a fantastic job. As I understand it you can claim legal aid if you have fled DV and meet the financial conditions obvs. Hope it goes well with the solicitor.

Good. Well done.

Thank you everyone. Honestly I wouldn't have been able to take the first step without all the kind words and support off everyone on here. This is all thanks to you!

I'm waiting on a call back from the solicitor who helped me last time. I've got to keep blazing forward, I can't second guess myself because if I do, I'll have a major wobble.

You are doing a brilliant job op you can do this one step at a time

Keep going op your doing fantastic

Even if/when you have a wobble, that's all it will be. And you will get through it because you have been so brave by taking the major first step. Now it's one step at a time, slowly slowly until one day, you will realise how much better your life is. Then you will spot a post on here by someone you recognise as being in a similar situation as you were. You will offer support and tell them "Here's how I did it.

It's by no means an easy task you have ahead of you, but with each day that passes, each small achievement made you will gradually regain your life. And you have such a life ahead of you! With you in control, gaining more and more strength. You are still young enough to change it around for you and your children

You are amazing . keep going. your parents sound really good too! don't read his messages. they'll be a toxic controlling shitstorm (i imagine).

I've kept checking in on this thread, love your latest update. You sound so strong, well done! Your kids are lucky to have you and will really appreciate what you have done for them. Best of luck!

So super proud of you. In a year's time you will look back at this as the beginning of your life. Stay strong x

You can do it. Keep your chin up and you'll show your kids a positive role model. They'll see what you did for them. Lots of love and strength to you x

Keep strong. Come back here if you start to have a wobble. Everyone is here for you.

Don't wobble OP. You're on the road to freedom x

Just wanted to add another voice of support! You are doing great! Keep going brave lady.

I love your attitute so inspiring. Well done op.

I'm really happy for you OP. You've made the first major step to a happier life for you and your children.

Love seeing this sort of achievement of mumsnet. Well done op. You’re so courageous

On*

Just read the whole thread and you are amazing! Keep on keeping on, you're doing great.

My Mum left my abusive father when I was 2, I'm so, so thankful she did and I think she's a wonder woman, your children will too. The only affect I still have is that any male shouting makes me panic, it's like a primal fear.

You are doing what's best for your children, you and all your futures, well done and