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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't take anymore

329 replies

icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 05:03

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I have to get it out and can't talk to anyone irl.
I've also nc, as I know I will regret it later.

Last night me and my husband had another blazing row. I'm convinced he's on heavy drugs and now on a downer. I went to bed at 10.30 and from then until now he's been sat on the bed telling me how he's leaving, I've fucked the kids life up, I'm pathetic just like my mother etc. And in the process woken up the baby 8 times.

Bit of back story as to how I ended up here. I can't believe I'm going to say this, I've never told anyone, tried to tell OH when we first met but he wasn't bothered. He said something along the lines of that's my past and I should deal with it. Anyway, I was abused from the age of 8 up until I was 13/14.
I spent everyday terrified, and to take control back I thought I was only good for one thing (I'm sure you get the picture). I met now husband when I was 15 and because I was so desperate to escape that situation, I married him at 17, I should have seen the warning signs from the beginning, but in my rush to escape my past I over looked that.

The last 12 years have been hell on earth, I've been beaten by oh, emotionally abused to the point I've questioned my own sanity.
Honestly, it's only my 3 dc that keep me going.
Im a Sahm, have no money, no car( he's written off the one I bought with my only savings) and now I feel like I well and truly have fucked up my kids life and I will have to explain to them why daddy has gone. Because I can't keep my mouth shut.

Not really a aibu but I had to let it all out.

OP posts:
Timetogetup0630 · 06/12/2017 05:46

No, SS will not take your kids. YOU haven't done anything wrong.

bastardkitty · 06/12/2017 05:47

He has you in a state of threat and fear so you can't think straight.

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 05:53

My kids don't deserve this, I'm afraid it will scar my oldest for life.
That poor boy, has heard far too much. Right from the day he was born.
He needed help breathing when he was born and I was hysterical, Once we were left alone he started taking the piss out of me and laughing.

He choked me while I was holding ds1 at 6 months old, then flipped a table at me when DS was one.

Reading this back I want to shake myself. The first thing I'd say to anyone is leave, run and run fast, why can't I seem to take my own advise

OP posts:
BulletFox · 06/12/2017 05:55

You'll do it, it just takes time and you're tired.

Have you had a snack/hot drink yet?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/12/2017 05:56

You are not his sister. You have the mighty power of mumsnet.

If he has the house keys, how are you going to get out? Are you locked in? I would call 999 this is imprisonment.

Bowerbird5 · 06/12/2017 05:57

I agree with Cantchoose someone in school will help you. We have a pastoral support worker because we have such a lot of families needing support. Don't be embarrassed they will have heard it before. They need to support the children but will also need to make sure they are safe.
If you can't phone the police why don't you email local constabulary look up the local page if you need help now otherwise do it when you take the kids to school. We have had families arrive from other counties to flee abusive partners. We have helped them with clothing (always clean lost property) and social services have helped with housing. Some had a few days in a local refuge then transferred to our refuge and usually have a house within a month. Sally Army will help too. If you move they will help with clothing and furniture and have food banks as do other churches. I know it is hard but don't stay where you and the children are unsafe. If he is on drugs he may be quite unpredictable. Make a better life for the children on your own. I work with vulnerable children all the time and believe me emotional abuse of them or their parent does affect them from a young age. They often can't express what they are experience and have behavioural problems or become insular. It will affect them possibly for life. You can change this by acting now. If you can't leave yet get some counselling. See yourGP today. Tell them it is an emergency you don't have to tell the receptionist what the problem in just say it is personal if the ask. If the GP is unavailable ask for the practice nurse. Please have a cup of tea and at the very least a piece of toast. You can't think straight without any food as others have said. You need your strength. Please ask someone for help today and don't go back this time.

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 06:03

He'll be up when he hears me wake the dc up for school, when he's like this, he likes to stand over me and watch my every move. I normally have own set of house keys with me which he'll give back when it's time for school.

I've managed half a banana and a glass of water.

I don't understand any of this. I'm a good wife, yes I admit when pushed I do argue back and yes the kids are present at the time, but he sees how much I try. How busy I am with the kids, keeping the house clean and presentable, doing the little things like making him a cup of tea and taking it up to bed to him.
I do everything myself, he is home from work most days at 3.30am, he stays downstairs until he hears me wake up. Goes to bed so he doesn't have to help with the kids. The doesn't wake up again until 4pm.

I get so jealous seeing other couples, he doesn't want to see my dreams come to life, or support me. Heck I can't remember the lag time he said something nice to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 06:11

If I get the counselling, which agencies will be involved. I can't risk him finding out anything at this point.

I have pictures of my bruised face from the last time this happened is it too late to show the police? I didn't call them at the time because oh drove to my mums home and was sending me pictures of open windows, probably to scare me.

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 06/12/2017 06:14

Please call someone. What area of the country are you in? I can do a Google search for aid that won't come up on your phone.
He is abusive and dangerous so please be careful.

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 06:14

I've now been awake for 24 hours, and I can't take any more abuse. I'm tired and my body is drained.

If I didn't have my kids, I'd end it all now. No questions asked. I often find myself at the stove thinking how painful it would be if I stuck my hand on it, or what if I just walked into the path of that lorry coming down the road.

OP posts:
Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 06:15

How do I do on a mobile site?

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/12/2017 06:15

Please, get out and get to a refuge, involve the police and social services. The more they know about this hideous man, his drug use and violence, the easier it will be to keep your kids safe from him. Right now you are all in danger.

Justanothernameonthepage · 06/12/2017 06:21

But if don't want to reveal anything, then yes, get to the school and go to reception and ask for the pastoral worker.
And yes, please go to the police-once you're safe. To keep the children safe, you don't want him to have unsupervised access. So that may mean pushing charges.

Rollmopsrule · 06/12/2017 06:23

Op you must get help to get your thoughts straight. You have done nothing wrong. You and your kids deserve so much better.
Contact Woman's Aid - they specialise in domestic abuse and can advise you on your options.
0808 2000 247 - 24hr helpline
[email protected]

PumpkinPie2016 · 06/12/2017 06:28

How are you doing OP? I can only day how truly sorry I am that you are in this situation and reiterate that this is NOT your fault.

It's really hard but there is a way out of this.

As other posters have said - take all of your children (baby included) with you to school. When you get to school, wait until the eldest children have gone into class and then go to the reception. Tell them that you are in desperate need of help for you and your children - doesn't matter if you break down, they will have seen it before.

There will be someone who can help you. Don't worry about him turning up at school to look for you - he won't be able to get in and if he persists they will call the police.

Please, you owe it to yourself and your children to get help.

Keep posting - there is support on here Flowers

Dailystuck71 · 06/12/2017 06:31

OP, I dont know what to advise or how to help but just know I am listening.

Eatalot · 06/12/2017 06:36

I think you should call police now ask for them to remove him. You are in danger he has hit you before and is now on drugs. He took keys. Ie holding you and kids prisoner which is breaking the law. 999 can be silent I think you can type 55 (ill check) and they willl trace and come. Just having to do that for fear if he hears you tells you why you should be calling.

sparklepops123 · 06/12/2017 06:36

You need help and nothing will change until you reach out for it , you owe it to your kids to get them away from this monster. It sounds like your the only security they have. Don't leave it any longer. He's one sad pathetic man and with help you can remove him from your lives. Good luck

Eatalot · 06/12/2017 06:38

They will ask you to cough if cant type 55.

serendipia2812 · 06/12/2017 06:46

OP, please, you need help. Get some help ASAP, run and never look back. And if he finds you, never ever let him convince you you need to come home.

Rainbowcolours1 · 06/12/2017 06:54

Please tell the school. I've been here with parents before and they will help. As other posters have said, take all your children, let the oldest go into class and then speak to reception. Don't worry about being emotional, they'll have seen it all before. Tell them as much as you can. They will be able to help you. If you can't take the baby then tell School that you have left the baby at home and that you are scared...they can contact the police. You will doubt yourself which is why you need to let others help you. It won't be easy but you can do it and the fact you are posting on here shows you want something to happen. You are a lot stronger than you think and you know your children deserve better.

MrsPringles · 06/12/2017 06:56

Op, I know it’s hard and scary. But please try and seek RL help, go to the police, or the doctors or the school office when you take your DC to school and just tell someone.

People will help you, they will, I promise. you can get away from this horrible situation but you need to somehow take the first step which I know is hard

Good luck 😘 xx

clippityclop · 06/12/2017 07:02

You and your children deserve so much more than this. Get something else to eat (protein) and follow the advice you would give someone else. Are you in the UK? Do you work? Get paperwork together and a copy of the front door key. Report him to the police.

Ohffsmalcom · 06/12/2017 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dsmummy · 06/12/2017 07:06

You deserve a happy life, so do your kids. And you can have one. Get out, today. Follow the advice people have given, you really can do it

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