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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't take anymore

329 replies

icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 05:03

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I have to get it out and can't talk to anyone irl.
I've also nc, as I know I will regret it later.

Last night me and my husband had another blazing row. I'm convinced he's on heavy drugs and now on a downer. I went to bed at 10.30 and from then until now he's been sat on the bed telling me how he's leaving, I've fucked the kids life up, I'm pathetic just like my mother etc. And in the process woken up the baby 8 times.

Bit of back story as to how I ended up here. I can't believe I'm going to say this, I've never told anyone, tried to tell OH when we first met but he wasn't bothered. He said something along the lines of that's my past and I should deal with it. Anyway, I was abused from the age of 8 up until I was 13/14.
I spent everyday terrified, and to take control back I thought I was only good for one thing (I'm sure you get the picture). I met now husband when I was 15 and because I was so desperate to escape that situation, I married him at 17, I should have seen the warning signs from the beginning, but in my rush to escape my past I over looked that.

The last 12 years have been hell on earth, I've been beaten by oh, emotionally abused to the point I've questioned my own sanity.
Honestly, it's only my 3 dc that keep me going.
Im a Sahm, have no money, no car( he's written off the one I bought with my only savings) and now I feel like I well and truly have fucked up my kids life and I will have to explain to them why daddy has gone. Because I can't keep my mouth shut.

Not really a aibu but I had to let it all out.

OP posts:
Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 12:57

Monkeysee-I wouldn't set up a go fund me, not when there are so many other worthy recipients but thank you from the bottom of heart, to everyone, your words are worth more than anything.**

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 06/12/2017 13:00

OP you can do this - stay strong and just take whatever baby steps you need to keep you and the DC safe from him, one step at a time. Flowers

I was once in a v similar situation to you - I stayed for years, partly because I had grown up in an abusive situation and had no sense of self-worth. He then helped to stamp out every last bit of confidence from me so I felt I had no other choice but to stay.

But I did eventually leave him after something he did just pushed me over the edge and everything clicked into place in my head. When I finally opened up to the Police, the DV Unit and SS, they did everything they possibly could to support me and my DC. We were rehoused, I had a Victim Support volunteer to come along to Court Hearings with me, I had help every step of the way. I'm not saying it was easy, but once I asked for the help and committed to staying away from him, the help was always there, and from then on every single day was a steady move upwards from the miserable pit of a life I had been living in.

Almost twenty years on I am married to a lovely man and together we have the family I never dreamed I could have. And most importantly, my DC are happy and secure.

I'm keeping everything crossed for you OP - you can do this.

butterfly56 · 06/12/2017 13:11

Dragongirl10 and Icantakeit

Thank you for saying those great things! Flowers
I wish I was Prime Minister too!...haha

It's the first time I have ever written that down and it's only a small part of the story! But if it helps one person to have hope and get some strength from it it will be worth it.

Everyone who has ever been through this should feel proud they got through it

The one thing I think is trying to find the courage to get the help because you can actually feel as though no one will believe you.

In answer to your question Icantakeit .....

Mrsdraper1 Flowers is absolutely correct that you will receive help with housing and benefits so don't worry about money.

calamityjam I am so glad your DSIS managed to get away and she is super lucky to have a DSIS like you Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 06/12/2017 13:14

Please do call Womens Aid when you can - 0808 2000 247
They can help you with local support services.
The danger may increase now so do call 101 - ask for the DV team and tell them everything you have told us.
They can put your number on a priority list so if you need to dial 999 they can get to you very quickly.
WA can help you with the money side. They can tell you all about housing, benefits, tax credits etc....
Sounds like you have a plan but get all of the professional services involved that you can. You will need that support.
Honestly, my stomach is churning for you. I can't begin to imagine how terrifying this is but you are doing fantastically well.
And YES, the police will help you. Although I put DV it's now DA (domestic abuse) and that is illegal. It's not all about the physical side anymore. It's well known that mental abuse is very damaging to you and your DC.
Good luck today.

StarsAndStripes18 · 06/12/2017 13:15

OP, I've just came across your thread & must admit tears were falling... I never comment on DV threads as (unfortunately) there are lots of other posters who have been through it and know better how to advise.

You are one strong lady and you can absolutely do this!!
You have been given fantastic advice and I've nothing to add except I wish you and your kids all the love and luck in the world and (even though I don't know you) I believe in you - that you will escape and I know your children will not resent you but thank you for doing it..
ThanksThanksThanks

butterfly56 · 06/12/2017 13:15

BadTasteFlump
So happy to read your story and how you managed to get through it all with courage and you got your happy ending
hugs and Flowers

StarsAndStripes18 · 06/12/2017 13:17

Butterfly56, you are made of strong stuff and I really admire how you escaped from him!
I hope everything continues to go well for you..
ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 13:19

Butterfly does sound amazing. Send some strength my way. I'm just out for a walk with dd, need to gather my thoughts

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 06/12/2017 13:30

Keep going OP! You can do this Flowers

butterfly56 · 06/12/2017 13:30

Icantakeit Flowers
Sending you strength, hugs and hope you find courage to make the phone call to Womens Aid...you can do it even when you have got to your mum's. I'm in Lancashire so not far from you! Flowers

passionflower50 · 06/12/2017 13:36

Hope you are ok please let us know how things are going and please please ask for help x

BadTasteFlump · 06/12/2017 13:50

Butterfly thank you FlowersWineCake

OP just remember, so many women have been where you are now, and have got away and made their lives 100% better. Every one of them probably doubted they could do it ... I know I did. His threats and scaremongering are par for the course - ignore it - he's trying to scare you into staying because he knows if you go he loses all the power. You can do it Smile

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 13:58

Badtasteflump I think he knows he's losing his grip on me, I've learnt to stand up for myself over the years and with that the threats have got worse.**

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 14:01

I'm sorry, but you're living a half-life with this man, and so are your children. You're only happy when he's asleep, or away. Please, PLEASE listen to the advice you've had on here and get away, get away, get away from this man. With the right support and planning, you can leave for good.

Original poster
icanttakeit · 06/12/2017 14:20

Will be heading to school soon, and then straight to my uncles home, a school mum will drop us off

Will update later x

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 06/12/2017 14:26

I escaped a violent partner op with this help of women's aid here in Ireland.

Please stay safe.

You said earlier your poor boy has seen so much, too much.

Keep reminding yourself of that.

When I didn't know my own worth, I knew my children's worth and it spurred me on a bit more.

I'm 3 years away from him now and life is wonderful.

Wishing you all the very best x

sandytime · 06/12/2017 14:29

Thanks op I wish you and your dc all the best!

Angelicinnocent · 06/12/2017 14:49

Well done on finding your inner strength. The more you use it, the stronger it gets until one day you look back and wonder how you ever doubted yourself.Flowers

Shakey15000 · 06/12/2017 14:51

Sending strength to you. Thanks

ConciseandNice · 06/12/2017 14:54

I escaped and you can too. You need to and your kids need you too.

You are worth more than this. There is a whole world and life out there for you, away from your abuser.

Let us know what happens.

MrsMotherHen · 06/12/2017 15:06

You can do this! Today is the day your life will change forever!

PossiblyPFB · 06/12/2017 15:16

Sending strength and prayers for you and your dc. Please stay safe. Flowers

StormTreader · 06/12/2017 15:17

You absolutely can do this, theres a better life out there waiting for you and your kids :)

OhCalamity · 06/12/2017 15:18

I'm another one who did a daytime flit.

Anyway, I got my parent's to come around on a day I knew DP had meetings and wasn't likely to pop home and we cleared out my stuff. If they hadn't been available I would have probably got the police.

I didn't need accommodation, but WA were brilliant to talk to. The relief to speak to someone who just got it. Who just understood that even though a situation sounded innocuous, it made me fearful.

My ex though was ultimately a coward and was only confident enough to bully me. I was tiny probably weighed less than 7 stone dripping wet. Your's sounds a bit more volatile so do be cautious.

The very best of luck with your escape and your new life.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 06/12/2017 15:19

Good luck, OP!! I'm really rooting for you and your lovely children....you can do this!!